My Ship Has Sailed

AGE OF LOVE: ALL THE RECAPS, IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

By Laura Ainsworth

Brace yourself, masochists! Here is the entire series, from start to finish...

EPISODE 1: Age of Love (20 vs. 40)

Imagine you're watching the first episode of one of those "dating" reality shows.

You see a handsome, hunky blonde man in a white dinner jacket, waiting expectantly at the bottom of a staircase for the first of a dozen beautiful women to walk enticingly to him and introduce herself.

The first woman, stunningly attractive, descends the stairs. There's a cut to a reaction shot of him as he suddenly realizes she is black.

She approaches him and takes his hands in hers in a confident-yet-vulnerable way. "Hi, I'm Latisha. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you. Oh, and, by the way, I'm black."

A true gentleman, he tries to hide his confusion. What has he gotten himself into? "You look beautiful tonight," he says. "I've never dated a black woman before, so it'll be a new experience for me. It's a little out of my comfort zone. But I do think you are absolutely lovely."

She moves to the other side of the room, as another gorgeous woman starts down the stairs. Again, we see his reaction as he realizes that she, too, is black. What is going on here?

She gives him a friendly hug. "Hi, I'm Pam. I think we could have a lot of fun getting to know each other. There is one thing...in case you didn't notice, I'm black."

At this point, the guy's mind is racing; he can only say, "You look beautiful tonight." They chat for a few moments, and then it's time for the third black woman to walk down the stairs.

By the time he's met and talked with all 12 beautiful black women, and after they've all broken the news to him that - yes - they're black, he's completely open to the idea of dating someone black. He says he has put the issue of race out of his mind.

Then, at the very end of a show filled with curves, he's thrown a new one. A tableau is revealed, featuring the other 12 women from whom he is to choose his Special One over the coming weeks. These women are all classic blonde beauties, and they are presented as the ones to watch, the real competition. The announcer says, "Things just got a lot more complicated...the women just got a whole lot WHITER. Will he pick a white woman, or a black one?" (He even refers to this show as "the ultimate social experiment.")

Doesn't this sound outrageous? Of course it does. YOU WOULD NEVER SEE THIS!

A show like this would never be broadcast! Why? Because it's racist and horrible. Yes, there is still some racial prejudice -- and will be as long as there are idiots -- but racism is no longer a culturally-acceptable bias.

Ageism is.

Case in point: the actual dating show that debuted on NBC Monday, June 18, called "Age Of Love (20 vs. 40)." It proceeds exactly as I've described above, except the women in the first group are all 40-plus. (The guy is 30.) I merely substituted "black" for "older" and "white" for "young."

In the real show, each woman has to tell the man her age. He registers confusion and a touch of disappointment at first, but ultimately is open to the experience. The women are so warm and appealing, and, most importantly, they look no more than 30. But then, at the end of the show, he catches a glimpse of the twentysomething hotties he'll be meeting next week. Wowwweeeee! They're YOUNG!

I had a much stronger emotional response watching this show than I had anticipated. After the first few minutes, I was trying not to cry. Any hope I'd had that the issue of age would be incidental to the proceedings was dashed. It seemed to me that each woman was participating not just as herself as an individual but on behalf of her particular "number." If the 48-year-old wins, she wins for all 48-year-olds. Because, obviously, 48-year-olds have something to prove.

Although we don't get to meet the twentysomethings till next Monday night, the first episode had a few clips of them and some choice quotes: "The 20s vs. the 40s? You've got to be...joking." "I'm young and definitely hot. Deal with it." "Men naturally want to date younger women." "Hopefully, when I'm 40, I won't still be dating. Desperate for a man...it's pathetic, really."

Now, I don't know how much of this dreck has been staged. The producers, if they're targeting a market of over-30 women, may have deliberately weighted the show with wonderful, worldly-wise 40-year-old babes and shallow, nasty 20-year-old babes. These are cliches, of course. If there's a correlation between youth and shallowness, then I'd say that anyone connected in any way with the creation or airing of this show couldn't be over 11.

I hope it tanks.

Ironically, by the end of the first episode, the participant who seems to be thinking the least about age is the central male character. That might have led some women to think, "Hey, this is great! This is demonstrating that older women can compete with younger women, and that age is irrelevant."

But that's not what it's demonstrating at all. Just the fact that this show even exists demonstrates that age is EVERYTHING.

I'll be forcing myself to watch further installments of this drivel every Monday night, tissues and barf bag in hand, just so I can write commentary on it. (See the things I do for you?) I hope you'll stay tuned, not necessarily for the show, but for my comments!

EPISODE 2:

Episode One of "Age Of Love (20s vs. 40s)" had me seething, but I promised to dance to the masochism tango and watch the entire run of this travesty, just so you wouldn't have to.

You probably recall that at the end of Episode One, 30-year-old Mark had met all the beautiful 40-something contestants, only to learn that he'd also be choosing from a group of foxy 20-somethings. The announcer ended the show with a warning to hold onto your hats -- the women just got a whole lot younger!

Episode Two starts predictably: Mark meets the hot, vivacious younger women, one by one, and each chats briefly and tells him her age. But this time, the presentation is very different. The 40-somethings had been dressed in classy evening wear (introductions took place after dark, by a swimming pool), while the 20-somethings are flashing their tans in the bright afternoon sun by that same pool and wearing...bikinis! These are rowdy girls; they're loud and proud. Message: These are the fun babes!

Later, the camera follows the younger girls to their rooms (on the 20th floor, natch), where they jabber incredibly ageist comments about menopause and hot flashes. "Mark is gonna want to be with a younger woman," says one. "My mom is 40," says another. My hunch is that comments such as these (if they are not concocted by the producers and put into the girls' mouths) come from fear; it's probable that these women are already terrified of looking one day older, so they attack the older women like a herd of wild animals attacking the sick one.

The 20-somethings are definitely going for a particular look. Although there's some variation, the most common body type is very skinny and hard with huge, obviously fake breasts and fake tans. (If you're watching the show, think Tessa.) I'd guess that the younger women have had every bit as much plastic surgery as the older ones have. No doubt these girls think they're sizzling hot, but I wonder if a guy like Mark necessarily likes such hard edges - or hard implants.

Mark spends some time conversing with the 20-somethings, who mostly talk about themselves. Afterwards, he remarks that talking with some of them was "like pulling teeth. It felt like I wasn't getting anything in return." He's noticed that most of them are doing "more than one thing" and are "still finding themselves." He says he's more attracted to women who know what they want. "When I'm with the 40s, things are a lot more relaxed."

"To be 100 percent honest, I miss the old women." (Yes, I'm pretty sure he said "OLD WOMEN.")

But he doesn't have to miss them for long, because he's sent on a group date with the 40-somethings, at a roller rink. The women are dressed in fun, flirty outfits and look great. "That statement, '40 is the new 20,' really is true," beams one 40-year-old.

The 40s have to compete in a limbo contest to see who gets to spend some one-on-one time with Mark. Talk about bending over backwards for a guy. (I'd have lost this contest even in my 20s.) The winner: Jen, the oldest contestant at 48. They have a lovely conversation, with Mark in voiceover saying, "The whole time, I cannot believe she's 48 YEARS OLD." It freaks him out a little that her son is 25. But she tells him she was married to a man 18 years older than she was. Coincidentally, the age difference for Jen and Mark is also 18 years...but, of course, this is older woman-younger man. Not the same thing at all.

After this date, he meets the 20-somethings in his hotel room to play a dance game of some sort. Afterwards, he says, "My opinion of the 20s changed in a positive way," but for the life of me I can't understand what has changed his mind.

Later that night, by the pool, the 20s and 40s meet. The 40s laugh quietly with each other. "We saw breasts...we saw size 2 waists," says one.

The announcer explains (in case some dim bulb still doesn't get it), "We brought you here because we wanted to see if age matters when it comes to falling in love."

Mark gets the last word: "Age and numbers mean nothing to me." Ironic, since it seems to mean everything to the producers of this show.

EPISODE 3:

The announcer reminds us: "These women are old enough to be their MOMS." As for Mark, "He had no idea what he was getting into!" But "the 40-year-olds exceeded his expectations by far!"

Hey, they're old hags. How high could those expectations have been?

It's explained that at the end of this episode, one 20 and one 40 will be going home. (No, it can't be two 20s or two 40s, even though numbers don't matter to Mark.) The 40s tend to be more philosophical about losing, with one observing, "The guy who wants the 20-something girl is not my guy." "You know, I'm 40 years old," says another. "I've had my heart broken before. I just want to find that someone."

But the stress is already taking its toll on others. One of the 40s says, "Whew! I might start looking my age by the end of this!" (Okay, what does "40" look like? If she's 40, wouldn't it by definition have to look like her?)

The 20s have quotes of their own. Whether by their own design or the producers', their comments are the most ageist of all. Example: "What's a synonym for 'old'? 'Decrepit.'" There are also references to (yes) bingo and old folks' homes.

The 40s plan a date for Mark to go on with the 20s, and vice versa. They send the 20s on a "play date" with Mark and groups of little kids, thinking it would make them (the 20s, not the little kids) seem immature. This tactic backfires; many of the 20s show themselves in a good light. Then, the 20s send the 40s on a date with Mark at the swimming pool at the senior center, thinking it will reinforce the image of them as dried-up old prunes. This strategy also fails; the 40s look fabulous in their bikinis, especially next to fat, flabby centenarians. The 40s end up saying, "Thank you, 20-somethings!!"

One twist: Maria, 42, decides she will leave. She has sensed that there just isn't a connection, at least on her part, so she says a good-natured goodbye. The other 40-somethings, for the most part, also seem to have this "que sera, sera" attitude, while most of the younger women see this as a contest to be won at any cost. That seems to be their approach to life; they do everything they can to reach a state of what they regard as physical perfection, so they can be Alpha Female and get the hunky guy. Gee, I'd always heard it was the older women who were the desperate ones!

Mark does manage to talk Maria into staying, but she asks him to be "more present." It's a good exchange.

Jen, the oldest at 48, is asked by Mark to stay. He looks at her with smiling, astonished eyes and says, "YOU REALLY DON'T LOOK YOUR AGE AT ALL." Afterwards, Jen, newly energized, makes a comment more characteristic of the competitive 20-somethings: "The 20s better watch out. Game on!"

I can't wait for Episode Four, in which the 20s and 40s move in together. Obviously, they've figured out how to take an awful concept and make it ten times worse. I promise to tell you all about it so you don't have to watch it, and I've laid in a big supply of barf bags for the run of the show. Of course, my main problem isn't sitting through this show - I have a high tolerance for pain -- but just the simple fact that it exists.

(To wash all this out of your brain, here is Conan O'Brien's parody, "The Math of Love," in which Max Weinberg demonstrates all the enlightened sensitivity of the NBC executives who greenlighted this thing.)

EPISODE 4:

It's announced that "you are all going to be living together." Groan.

Until now, the 40s have been together in a suite on the 40th floor, and the 20s have been on the 20th floor. Mark is on the 30th floor. (Get it? The producers are milking this age thing for way more than it's worth.) From now on, all the women will be on the 40th floor.

"It's our house, and they're gonna respect it," warns one of the 40s. "I don't trust these women," sneers a 20. Already, the stage is set for a "divide and conquer" mentality - one age group against another.

The announcer does his part to inflame the hostilities between "young" and "old": "These women are just out of college," he reminds us about the 20s. As for the 40s, "These women are old enough to be their moms." Yeah, yeah. Even though the older group starts at a mere 39 years of age and the younger group includes women in their late 20s, we're going to be hearing that tired observation many more times before the contest is thankfully over.

The women do seem to divide automatically into two camps; it's ironic to me that they are the ones who think about age the most. Mark, to his credit, doesn't seem very age-conscious, at least on the surface. "They're all incredible personalities. They're all sexy."

The competition today is a Triathlon. Now, are the producers coming up with all this athletic stuff because Mark is an athlete and wants a Bionic Woman who can keep up with him, or simply to make the 40s sweat to keep up with the 20s? If it's the latter, they must be disappointed, because the 40s and the 20s perform equally well in these physical contests, and they look just as good doing it. One 40 comments, "These younger girls are skinny; skinny doesn't mean strong."

Anyway, the triathlon consists of biking (teams of two women sharing bicycles-for-two), running and crossing water on a surfboard to get to Mark's yacht. Jen, at 48, is extremely competitive here, maybe because she's conscious of being the oldest woman in the contest, but every woman is pushing as hard as she can to reach the yacht first, or die trying. Is this guy really worth such heroic effort? It all seems a bit pathetic to me.

As if reading my thoughts, Mark comes on screen, saying, "I felt so bad. I thought, "I'm not worth it! Go back, go back!"

One of the younger women, 23-year-old Tessa, pushes too hard and sprains her ankle badly. Jayanna, 39, is the first to reach the yacht. (She's very skinny, but apparently also strong.)

Unfortunately, no one comes on screen to mirror my next thought: "Is this any way to choose someone to date?"

Mark spends some time with Jayanna and finds her relaxed and easy to talk to. The 20s are not happy that an old lady of 39 won time with him. "The 40-year-olds are stepping up their game,” says one. "They're intimidated by us." Apparently, one skill that younger women possess is that of mind-reading.

Mark arranges for the women to meet him at (sigh) the tennis court. Some of them are dismayed by yet another athletic trial, especially poor Tessa, who's limping around on crutches. He has two 20s and two 40s play against each other while he watches. (Note: if I had to win a contest this way at 20, 30 or 40, I'd lose and lose big. Not being a sun baby, I just haven't played outdoor sports at all. My tennis game may have suffered, but my skin thanks me every day.) The 20s have a much louder, flirtier style on the court, though all the women look equally fit and sexy in their tennis clothes.

Tessa winces out to the court and tries to play with her injury, and in doing so wins points with Mark, who has said he's looking for a woman who will try new things. He asks her to join him on a date, as the other women try to suppress their gag reflex. The 40s have actually played better tennis than the 20s, but the younger women have won more time with Mark, and that's the important thing.

It's time for more confrontation, with one of the 20s calling the 40s "prima donnas." The 40s are struck by the insecurity of the 20s, with all their whining and pouting. Mary, especially, cries at EVERYTHING.

Tessa goes on her date with Mark, in a lovely cocktail dress that contrasts nicely with her Ace bandage. He really seems to like her. They have a lovely, romantic dinner, during which Tessa tells him, for some reason, that Amanda has strong feelings for him. "If you don't have strong feelings for me," she says, "let me know." After the date, Mark admits to the camera that he is baffled; why would a woman on a date with him be talking about the feelings of another woman? (I have to admit that I'm puzzled, too. Perhaps Amanda has hypnotized her into saying this; she definitely would if she could.)

The date over, Mark asks for one-on-one time with each woman. Jayanna feels a real connection with him, and tells him so. Later she says to the camera, "The 20-year-olds don't have the kissing skills I have. I left him wanting more." Give me a break.

In fact, Mark would not agree with Maria's self-assessment. In his one-on-one with Amanda, he tells her, "You're the first one I've wanted to "KISS' kiss."

Jen and Mark have a pretty steamy makeout session themselves. "She blew me away with her kisses," Mark says afterwards. Jen must be giving it all she's got; she opines to the camera later, "I'm the oldest one...time is running out." Jen, Jen! I have to hope the producers manipulated you into saying that, or that they took you wildly out of context.

Time for two of the women to say goodbye. First, poor little Tessa has to hobble away, but maybe she's on so much Vicodan for her ankle that she can't feel any pain. Mark says she "ruined things" on their date by bringing up Amanda.

Then, Kelly, who is 40, is told it's over for her. She says she feels blindsided. The show ends with a comment of hers that makes me wonder why she'd agree to be on this show in the first place:

"I don't need to be reminded of my age - I know how old I am every day."

The remaining women - along with us in the audience - will continue to be reminded constantly until this travesty is over.

EPISODE 5:

The announcer, who is becoming the most annoying part of this show, sets the tone once again:

"It's the biggest dating experiment this summer!...Old or young, the women are starting to fall for Mark!...The competition between the 20s and the 40s is starting to get vicious!...The claws come out.

"In the end, will he choose a woman in her 20s...or a woman in her 40s?"

Are you throwing up yet? If not, maybe the theme music will do it: they're playing "The Look Of Love."

By episode 5, all contestants have been eliminated except for three women in their 40s and three in their 20s. In order to get to know the women better, he takes several of them on a date.

Surfing.

You know, I really can't think of a better way to get to know a woman.

If I were a contestant on this show, I'd probably be the first to go home because I'm just not the sporty type. With my red hair and porcelain-white skin, I'm like Woody Allen: "I don't tan, I stroke." Though I do work out and am very fit, I don't surf or do any water sports at all. (Regardless of how well these women swim, many of them could use their enormous fake breasts as flotation devices.) I don't play tennis. I don't ice skate, although it might be fun to try that. On second thought, I'm the kind of hothouse flower that perishes in temperatures below 68 degrees. Just wondering: Are the women doing all this athletic stuff because Mark himself is an athlete, or because the producers want to pit young against old? If it's the latter, I'm happy to say the 40s hold their own quite well against the 20s - and look just as hot in their little outfits.

Mark and his "dates" surf, romp in the sand and get physically close, but they don't discuss movies, books, or stories in the news. For the most part, they don't bring up their families. Forty-eight-year-old Jen does share a little about her son -- but in terms of age, because at 25, he's just five years younger than Mark. He and the women, in one-on-one conversations, do talk about their feelings and relationships in general, but they don't bring up religion or politics, or their opinions about anything potentially controversial. (The only controversy encountered here is the "older woman-younger man" issue.) I doubt that a woman vying for Mark's attention would even tell him if she really didn't like surfing. Jen says, 'I want to show Mark what a 48-year-old woman is all about." Are all 48-year-olds "about" the same thing? Shouldn't she want to show him very specifically what this particular woman, who happens, incidentally, to be 48, is all about?

Only one woman appears independent enough to be totally honest about her likes and dislikes: 42-year-old Maria. She seems quite blasé about the whole process when she says, "At this stage of my life, I don't chase."

Another woman in the 40-plus group is frustrated and jealous that Mark has spent so much on the beach with 21-year-old Megan, the youngest of the group. Her comment: "I didn't come here to meet a man who finds it titillating to be with a 21-year-old for, like, five hours."

After the beach date, Mark has (sigh) another date, with two more women, 39-year-old Jayanna and 25-year-old Amanda. It's an elegant evening outdoors in a Moroccan tent. (Now, I could go for that!) He says he has a good feeling with Jayanna; after the date, she says, "I can't see him not choosing me."

Amanda is already completely moony over Mark. Her soppiness is pretty sickening. In fact, the way most of these women are scrapping for a tiny crumb of attention from this guy is off-putting. It's just tragic that Mark can't be cloned so that every contestant - except, perhaps, Maria, who's fine without him - could have him for herself.

48-year-old Jen is annoyed with "everything" when she's the only one left who hasn't had a date with Mark that day. But it turns out - lucky her! - that he's been saving her for last. He's going to take her on a motorcycle ride! And it just so happens that there's a hot-looking biker outfit for her to wear. Mark and Jen have a lovely time riding (and parking) together. There's lots of smooching. We cut to: ...

The apartment, where the 20-somethings make nasty comments about Jen's age. "That has to be weird...18 years older?? She could be his mom!"

Mary, 24, is certainly the most immature of the bunch...boo-hooing constantly because she just hasn't had the chance to get to know the fabulous Mark. (Believe me, if they don't get together at all, it will be the best thing for both of them.) I really can't imagine any of the 40-somethings behaving like this, although I can see Mary doing it when she's 40.

Back to Mark and Jen. They play pool and have a great time. He says he feels very comfortable with her. A candid comment from Jen after the date: "What's most important to me is what I need and what I want. And I want Mark."

Well, okay, then.

Maria, on the other hand, says, "I know Mark's not the guy for me, so I need to be out of here, so he can find the one who is right for him." She tells the other women that she plans to say goodbye to Mark. They take the news well.

Now it's time for Mark and all the remaining women to gather poolside, so that Mark can tell one to go home. Jen (48) is asked to stay, along with Megan (21), Jayanna (39) and Amanda (25). (I find it interesting that in this group are both the oldest and youngest of all the original contestants.) Then it's Maria's turn to walk to him.

Maria tells Mark that he hasn't shared himself in the way she had asked, so she's made up her mind to go home. But Mark makes it clear that he really wants to have that kind of time with her. He wants her to stay. She didn't expect this -- what now? She just laughs and laughs, while the other women steam with anger and resentment.

Twenty-four-year-old Mary is the one going home. Boooo-hoooo-hoooo! She doesn't accept even Mark's gentle rejection well; the way she takes her leave must make him sure he made the right decision. Afterwards, she pouts, "The one thing that sickens me is that Jayanna and Jen are going to be here longer than I am."

I'd like to think that all the 40-somethings are more mature than that. Not to mention all the other 20-somethings.

Whom will Mark reject next? Will Maria change her mind about him? Can I sit through another hour of this vapidity without upchucking like a fashion model after brunch? Oh, Lord, I don't know! But I vowed to do it, so you wouldn't have to. So let's fast-forward one week, and you can read about....

EPISODE 6:

Here's that annoying announcer again: "Two women in their 20s and three women in their 40s remain!"

By now, I've thoroughly had it with the age references. At this point, can't it just be about the individual personalities? We KNOW Jen is (gasp!) 48. We KNOW Megan is a mere 21. WE GET IT. But no, they have to club us over the head with it. Sometimes, the contestants are happy to play along.

One of the 40s does sound a lot like me: "I see a lot of myself in Mark, but that's not enough to fall in love with someone in such a short period of time."

Twenty-five-year-old Amanda, on the other hand, is just a drooling idiot, with her romantic feelings towards Mark out of control.

Mark announces that they're (aaauuuggghhh!) ALL GOING CAMPING TOGETHER.

See, there's another activity that's just not for me. I've never been camping in my life. Take me to a movie, or a museum, or the theatre, or the zoo, or even a romantic picnic to watch the sun set, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TAKE ME CAMPING. Not the 20-year-old me, not the 40-year-old me. But Mark has decided that a camping trip is one way for him to see some different sides of the women's personalities, and I have to admit after seeing the show, he may have something there.

Guess what they do on the camping trip to reveal more about themselves? That's right - they play "Truth Or Dare!" Somehow, one of the dares becomes "show your ass." Mark turns his back, lowers his jeans and does this (pixilated on TV), and Jayanna says with a self-satisfied smile, "I'm 39 years old...I've got a great ass, and if I've gotta show my ass, perfect!"

The wine flows, and that more than anything seems to be the way for Mark to find out more about these "ladies." Anger erupts among them. I don't really understand what they're arguing about, but the confrontation between Maria and Jen gets so heated that Jen walks off. Mark talks her into coming back and apologizing for whatever it was she said. It's clear that, when drunk enough, women of all ages can behave just like teenage girls.

As Mark says, "When you're a little tipsy, the truth comes out."

Twenty-one-year-old Megan has quite a bit to drink, and she actually tells him she thinks it's weird that he's hanging out with a woman who's the same age as her mom. At this point, I'm starting not to like Megan so much. Go home, Megan.

Amanda sees all the attention Mark is giving the tipsy Megan and laments that the time she spent with him that she'd thought was "special" really wasn't. "I'm so naïve, just like always," she wails.

The announcer poses the question yet again: "Who will Mark send home...a woman in her 20s, or a woman in her 40s?"

At this point, I'm reinforced in my view that age doesn't matter, because all these woman are acting like five-year-olds.

Much more immature behavior follows; it's just too tiresome to recount here. By morning, it seems that even Mark may be getting tired of some of the girls' cattiness.

Jen, the oldest of the group, does seem to be the most mature. But I'll bet she seemed mature "for her age" when she was younger.

Mark takes each woman, in turn, on a walk and tells her whether or not he wants her to stay. Staying: Jen (hooray, and not because she's the oldest), Amanda, Maria and Megan. Two 40s and two 20s; there's always that symmetry. Going: Jayanna. It seems that Amanda, while cuddling with Mark in his tent, told him some things about Jayanna that disturbed him. Jayanna defends herself; she had given Amanda advice and support, and it had been used against her in a "whisper campaign." Ah, the intrigue!

Jayanna says, "I guess I was duped." She accuses Amanda of immaturity and concludes, "I've learned that I'm really happy to be the age that I am, and I don't want to be 20 again."

The show ends with Mark saying, "One of them could be the mother of my children."

Please, PLEASE, don't let that be the focus of next week's show!

Now, where's my bottle of Pepto-Bismol?...

EPISODE 7:

The ever-more-irritating announcer intones:

"Two women in their 20s and two women in their 40s remain...

"The dark side of love emerges...

"In the end, will he choose a woman in her 20s, or a woman in her 40s?"

The theme song plays. Yes, it's The Look Of Love. For one tiny redeeming moment, a nice quote comes up:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing." -- George Bernard Shaw.

And, by God, these women are playing. Playing rough. Playing to win. This episode ramps up the tension and jealousy considerably. You might recall that last week, Jayanna was let go by Mark after Amanda's "whisper campaign" against her. This week, 38-year-old Jayanna returns (on video) to warn the other women about the "desperate" 25-year-old Amanda. But her remarks are so backhanded against all the remaining women that her words go largely unheeded.

In the words of one of the 20-somethings: "She's almost 40 - like, get over it."

Jen, the oldest and seemingly most sensitive of the group, feels bad for Jayanna. Her comment: "If I didn't know Mark, I would hate him for what he did to my friend." But since she knows him, he apparently can get away with anything, because she definitely still wants him.

Mark chooses Maria and Amanda to go on the first date of this episode with him. "Maria doesn't get stressed about everything," he says. "I get a very cool vibe from her." And Amanda "is a great girl." After a commercial for Neutrogena anti-aging products, the three of them go to a dance club together for private salsa lessons. Amanda brightens at the idea.

"I know that my age really gives me an advantage," says Amanda.

In a way, she's right. The producers have brought outfits for the women to wear on the dance floor. While Amanda gets to wear a hot, stretchy little two-piece outfit with long, sexy fringe, Maria is put into a white, matronly ruffly dress that subtracts three inches of height and adds 30 pounds. "A woman in her 40s can still pull off a hot little salsa outfit," smiles Maria, and I didn't do too bad." Maria, dear, nobody except perhaps Catherine Zeta-Jones could pull off that dress.

Maria, taking the spirit of competition a little far, goes completely nuts on the dance floor. "She just tries so hard - it was pathetic, I think," says the always-sensitive Amanda in her critique. When Amanda takes to the dance floor with Mark, she's much more relaxed and self-assured, secure in the knowledge that her flattering outfit makes her look slinky and fabulous. "I feel more sexual with Amanda, says Mark. "She is just hot. Maria was, like, sweating..."

Later in the evening, while they're just sitting together talking, Maria asks Mark to pretend this is his last date with her. What would he want to talk about, to say to her? She's obviously trying this approach to get him to open up, but Mark says afterwards that it was a "buzz-kill...Maria's being Maria again. She totally killed the mood."

His next date is with Megan, by herself. Mark laughs, "She's only 21, but I do like hanging out with her. She says the funniest things!" (Yeah, I remember her joking to Mark last week that Jen was as old as her mom. That was so FUNNY!)

The date is for an afternoon "high tea." But Megan doesn't care for the idea. "I feel like my date was definitely more suitable to the 40s. I don't know anything about tea at all." Tea is for old-maid aunts who shop together at flea markets, I suppose. Judging from last week's camping trip, the problem with tea is that it is not booze.

But Mark and Megan enjoy each others' company and even salsa dance a little (no music) after nibbling on scones and tea cakes. "I'm definitely falling for him," she remarks afterwards.

The final date: a call to Jen to say, "Your carriage awaits. Bring your swimsuit." The carriage turns out to be a fantasy right out of "Cinderella." Jen looks completely gorgeous as she heads out the door; the other women look as though they could rip her apart. Jen beams, "Right now, I feel like the most special woman in the house. I really want Mark to choose me." Mark seems smitten with Jen, too; he even says, "I'm saving the best for last." Jen tells him that this is the most romantic date she's ever been on. The implication is that, coming from a 48-year-old woman, that's saying a lot!

Later, after changing into their swimsuits, Mark notes that "her body is just ridiculous. She is in incredible shape." They talk easily, as always, and get very close. Then it's time for massages, in the dark. Jen comes back to the suite beaming, and can't wait to recount her date to the others, who are decidedly nonplussed.

After the date, Mark, who has commented repeatedly that he's not thinking about age, says, "Jen, without a doubt, gives the women in their 20s a run for their money." Jen reports that "tonight, after my date, I've fallen for him."

Naturally, the other women are petulant. The youngest, Megan, whom Mark finds so endearing, pouts, "It SUCKS! I've always asked that someone take me on a friggin' carriage ride!" Amanda is once again stuck on the realization that she's not being treated as "special" after she's put herself out there.

Maria's talking about leaving -- again. "I have learned, at 42, that I need to follow my instincts," she says. The other women have noticed that she's talked repeatedly about leaving, but she never does.

Mark has a brief one-on-one with each of the four women. Megan's is over before I even realize what they've said to each other. Jen tells Mark, "Now I am definitely in this." Amanda admits it's hard for her to watch him make connections with the others. For the second time, she attempts to sabotage another woman - this time, Jen -- saying, "I got a full report of the massages..."

Finally, Maria. "At 40, I don't know if there's tomorrow," says Maria. (Hey, does anyone?) "I get turned off when I'm opening the door and inviting you in, and you're slamming it shut. So, I'm eliminating myself." Mark had wanted her to stay; they talk for an hour, after which Mark says he's "emotionally drained."

Afterwards, Maria says, "At my age, I just kind of know what I need." So, for Maria, it is about age. And even if she knows perfectly well what she needs, she hasn't learned to communicate it very well, except for some vague idea that Mark "share himself" with her. I'm not sure what she's been trying to pry out of him; no wonder he's frustrated. This dynamic, with the woman constantly demanding that the man talk and share his feelings, goes on in many households, I'm sure - many unhappy households. Mark is better off without it.

So he moves on. He goes to the women's suite and tells them that (1) Maria has eliminated herself, and (2) they need to pack immediately for...Australia! That's where his family is, and he wants the remaining three women to meet them.

How exciting! And the fact that she is the only 40-something left is not lost on Jen. "Age is nothing but a number," she says. "I hope I can be the one to prove it."

But Megan is so severely flight-phobic that her white knuckles burn out the camera lens. As they all board the plane and prepare for takeoff, she becomes increasingly pale and sick. She can't go through with it. The flight is delayed so that Mark can escort her off the plane, out of the airport and into a cab. They kiss, actually for the first time. It's sweet; she manages not to throw up on him. "Why now??" he laments later. "It shouldn't end like this. I did not want her to leave."

Indeed, my prediction had been for the competition to come down to Jen and Megan, the oldest and the youngest in the entire contest. I think that if Megan hadn't left on her own, that's the way it would've been. Now Mark will be choosing either Jen or Amanda. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out Amanda had spiked Megan's drink with some sort of anxiety-producing drug. As for Jen, Amanda will probably find some way to off her during their 14-hour flight. Amanda observes, "I never thought I'd be vying for Mark's heart with someone almost twice my age."

The plane takes off for The Land Down Under, as our smarmy announcer leaves us with this:

"Only two women remain: a 48-year-old woman and a 25-year-old, and it's finally time for him to choose between young and old."

If I ever meet the author of those lines, it's going to get violent. His arm is going to snap like a 100-year-old woman's.

EPISODE 8 - Finale:

Hooray! This is the last night I'll have to hear those horrible lines from that obnoxious announcer. "Mark answers the question, 'Does age really matter?' Will Mark choose a woman in her 20s...or a woman in her 40s?"

But I rejoice too soon. This night, in the beginning minutes of the final episode of "Age Of Love," he outdoes himself. He actually says, "EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO FIND TRUE LOVE...BUT WHEN IS IT TOO LATE?"

(I'll pause for a moment. Sorry even to have to write that. Yes, it is a word-for-word quote.)

"Two women remain," he continues. "A 25-year-old and a 48-year-old." During a brief recap of previous episodes, he says, "Before long, age was all but forgotten, and hearts got broken along the way." Of course, age hasn't been forgotten in the slightest on this show, as the announcer asks AGAIN, "Who will Mark choose: a woman in her 20s...or a woman in her 40s?"

They play the opening theme again, "The Look Of Love." This show is overwhelmingly about looks, and the 40s are judged not just on their beauty but in large part by how young they look FOR THEIR AGE. As I say in my show, years after the Civil Rights movement, it's still all about skin, and attractive women over 40 are just "tryin' to pass." I should mention that it's all about looks for the 20s, too; some women from both age categories have no doubt financed new surgical wings for their plastic surgeons and aetheticians with all the work they've had done.

Anyway, back to the show. They're touching down in Melbourne, Australia, to meet Mark's family. Amanda, 25, says, "This is it." Jen, 48, says, "This is it." Mark, 30, says, "This is it." (Seriously, they all say it. These three do have something in common: an uninteresting way of expressing themselves.)

Elaborating a bit more, both women admit they're in love with Mark. As for Mark, he says he first felt chemistry with Amanda, right from the start. (Cue flashback.) He's found Amanda to be "more in the moment than the other girls." (Impressions can be wrong. Based on footage the producers chose to include, Amanda is seriously thinking longterm and is the biggest strategizer of the bunch.) Mark says he was also drawn to Jen from the beginning. (Cue flashback.) "It freaked me out that she's one of the most beautiful women here," he says. "If I'd been asked to go on a blind date with a 48-year-old woman, I wouldn't have gone. She's changed that for me."

By the way, that last remark strikes me as the most honest statement and perhaps the only redeeming moment in this entire mess. It reflects something else that I talk about in the show: that once people know "the number," they automatically have an image in their heads. They can't help but categorize, even if what they're thinking is completely wrong. And that can affect a person's life! Mark has hit upon the reason - the only reason -- I don't tell people my age. If other people are going to play the numbers game, I simply refuse to play.

Anyway, the time has come for Jen and Amanda to be introduced to Mark's family. "It's very important for my family to like the girl," says Mark. Jen has brought a gift, and she seems so relaxed and comfortable with Mark's relatives. When asked, Jen tells them her age, and after a momentary surprise, she gets the usual comments that she's "so beautiful." His mother offers this: "We have a saying, you can't judge a book by its cover. I think it's the same with age."

Jen does most of the talking, while Amanda seems nervous and intimidated. Jen helps with the salad; Amanda apparently has never made salad and doesn't know what to do. After a nice Greek dinner, Jen says, "Absolutely I could see myself as part of Mark's family." The family likes both women; shy Amanda makes points with Mark's mother because she is also shy. Another win for Amanda: somebody mentions grandchildren.

Now, it's time for Jen to go on her date with Mark; she says she's nervous "for the first time." They take a snuggly, romantic boat ride, during which Jen tells him -- I'm not sure why -- how many times she's, well, you know, during an intimate encounter. Then, on to dinner inside the glass-walled Melbourne Aquarium. Now, to me, this is just about the most astonishing and romantic setting for dinner that could ever be imagined - although I might have to order something other than my favorite, seafood.

Jen says, "You're spoiling me. How can I ever go back to real life?" Kudos to her for recognizing that this is not real life. I've always thought that even regular dating was an artificial way to find the right person.

The un-age-conscious Mark mentions age again, but at least with a positive spin: "Jen has opened my eyes and my heart to the fact that age doesn't matter in love."

Jen wants to know how he feels about her, not just the age. (Thank you!!) They agree that they both feel like themselves when they're together and laugh a lot. Jen says, "You've given me hope again for love." (oh, gag) "And I thank you for that." After dinner, they cuddle into some pillows, talk some more, and look at fish.

After the date, Mark says, "More and more, I'm pulling for Jen."

After the commercial break, Mark and Amanda go on their date. Mark drives Amanda into the country to a wildlife sanctuary, and this makes her very happy! (Wow, it would make me delirious! As the owner of 16 exotic birds, including cockatiels, a budgie and three different species of cockatoo, I've dreamed of going to Australia just to see the wildlife. But, I digress.) Amanda may not have Mark eating out of her hand quite yet, but she does have kangaroos and koalas doing it, which for all I know is preferable.

Yet, judging from comments she makes afterwards, Amanda's mind seems to be mostly on Jen's date, and how that went. Mark may think Amanda is "in the moment," but how can he really know that? His impression seems way off the mark to me.

They move on to dinner, at a Japanese restaurant that features huge, explosive balls of fire as part of the décor. Mark says later, "When I kiss Amanda, I feel something." Well, of course you do, Mark, and it's probably one of those gigantic fireballs scorching your neck.

Amanda is honest with Mark about her strong, strong feelings for him. And after the date, Mark seems to be having a very hard time choosing. He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt anyone. I know from experience that if he likes them both but that "not hurting someone" is his primary motive, he will pick Amanda. He knows Jen is strong and could deal with his rejection philosophically, but Amanda would be destroyed by it and probably go jump off a building.

What better reason could there be to pick that special someone?

Before Mark tells them his decision, Jen and Amanda have a quiet conversation about the elimination and also about their age difference. Jen says, "You're just getting started...I'm glad I'm 48 because I know who I am." She's reasoned this out; Mark's choice will depend on the kind of man he is. Does he want to be able to show someone new things, or would he rather have someone who will show him things? At the same time, she sounds more like one of the 20-somethings when she likens being chosen to winning "the grand prize." Moony Amanda admits that, for her, not being chosen "could be devastating."

After the commercial break, Mark meets Jen to tell her his decision. Through the magic of editing, he also meets Amanda at the same time of day in the same spot. The camera cuts back and forth:

"Jen, you blew me away when you told me your age." (Oh, please. More about her beauty, yada yada yada.)

Then, "Amanda, from the very first, we had a connection....."

Back and forth, back and forth; then he finally tells Jen that he doesn't think it'll work out. There's not much more to say. She smiles sadly, kisses him lightly and walks away.

When Amanda learns she's been chosen by a man who is still a stranger to her in many ways, she beams, "I'm the happiest woman in the world, because I have my man. I have Mark." (Permission to hurl granted.)

Mark says afterwards, "Amanda is the first one I felt a connection with...If you click with someone, you click. Doesn't matter about age."

Jen's not so sure. She says, "We had a very strong connection. But he got scared. I know if I had been younger, he would've chosen me."

So, I have to wonder. Though I hate the fact that this show existed at all, what if it had been set up differently, with the 40s mixed in with the 20s and Mark not knowing anybody's age, not even being told that the contest was about age? The unsuspecting Mark probably would have figured Jen to be at least ten years younger, and I'm with Jen in thinking he probably would've picked her. He kept saying that "the number" didn't matter to him, and he may not have consciously thought it did, but the only way to know would be to see which woman he picked under these revised rules.

The announcer still could've asked, "Who will Mark pick...a woman in her 20s, or a woman in her 40s?" But Mark, oblivious to the social experiment he was a part of, might have chosen differently.

A Post-Script...

I'm now fully recuperated from my marathon reviewing of "Age of Love" and once again ready to crawl from my hole and join the world of the living. I have only one more thing to say about that: after the show finished airing, the SportsByBrooks website revealed that Jen Braff, the 48-year-old "executive assistant" rejected for the young flibbertigibbet, has done semi-nude modeling, including a 1999 Playboy shoot, and sold autographed (clothed) photos of herself at Glamourcon, the L.A. porn convention. I wonder if Mark would have chosen diferently had he known that.

The full story is here, along with photos that are really pretty discrete, but if you're at work, you make the call. I wouldn't get too worked up about this; the discovery that hot women who volunteered for a humiliating TV dating show were really aspiring models and actresses is about as shocking as discovering rampant Botox use on the "Desperate Housewives" set.

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