Thanks to everyone who attended recent
performances of "My Ship" and"Cole
Porter" with Michael Gott (right, with Laura). You can read
the BroadwayWorld.com
reviews here
and here.
Laura and Michael will present two
public performances of "Cole
Porter" at Bass Hall's beautiful McDavid Studio listening room in
downtown Ft. Worth, Friday May 30 at 7 and 9:30 p.m. Tickets are
now on sale through BassHall.com. Click
here to reserve your space now!
We will
schedule more public shows as soon as possible. If you would like
to book either show for theaters, cabarets or private
events, click
here.
This blog is where
I expand on the ideas in "My Ship Has Sailed." I also comment on
news about ageism, fashion, plastic surgery, cosmetics, diets, health
and looks that
we
find every day while writing The Comedy Wire radio service;
discuss
what
it's like to do a one-woman show; and post some of the best comments I
receive from people who want to share their own experiences with the
"last
big culturally-acceptable bias." Write me at laura@lauraainsworth.com.
To see photos
from
the show and the "Ship" TV special and shots with Rob Becker, Eve
Ensler, Irma P. Hall, Bill Paxton, Michael Urie and other favorite
people, click
here.
To be informed
when new public show dates are scheduled, keep checking back
here.
Or subscribe to our free, no-spam newsletter for first notice of new
bookings,
plus lots of funny stuff and the occasional freebie. To sign up,
just write to webmaster@lauraainsworth.com.
You may also write to that address for info on booking the show for
clubs,
cabarets, theaters, corporate events, private party concert
performances,
or on having Laura give a humorous after-dinner presentation to your
group
about the show and ageism in general.
Laura's
husband Pat has a
hilarious new website based on his book, Hollywood Hi-Fi, about
wannabe celebrity singers. Hear Bette Davis, Robert Mitchum
and more trying to be music stars!
And now...The Blog! (Warning: Older
links
may no longer be active!)
April 3, 2008
Lots of news piling up to comment on, but I'm in the middle of moving,
so I'll get to it ASAP. In the meantime, two quick messages:
The May 30 date for "Cole Porter: Elegance & Decadence" is now
firm. The magnificent Michel Gott and I will be performing two
shows, at 7 and 9:30, on Friday, May 30, at Bass Hall's McDavid
Studio. It's a beautiful 200-seat listening room with great
sound. We plan to do a lot of promotion for the date, and I want
our friends to be there, so please get your tickets early! They
are available only through BassHall.com. Click
here for tickets and full info!
Secondly, thanks so much to everyone who came out to Grand Prairie for
the four shows last weekend! That was my first professional
performance in the town where I grew up, so you can imagine how much it
meant to me. A million thanks to the Grand Prairie Arts Council
and the Women's Club for bringing in the show, for all their
hospitality and for providing us with such a terrific venue.
March 26, 2008
Incredibily busy this week with the Moonlady Fest showcase (very nice
gig, and thanks to everyone for their warm welcome and laughter),
moving and preparing for
the shows (you will be there, right?), but I wanted to take just a
minute to say thanks for all the wonderful media coverage of the
show. I have done interviews with both the Grand Prairie
newspaper and cable TV channel, and articles have appeared in the Dallas
Observer and last Sunday's Dallas
Morning News Metro section. It's all much appreciated.
Just one minor note: not to quibble, but the DMN article makes it sound
at the end as if we've given up getting the show into Vegas and are
sort of moving to retire or something. Perish the thought!
We are working feverishly to book the show nationwide, we are in talks
about getting it into a great theater in Vegas (we could have done it
in January, but the notice was too short to clear the schedule), and we
are moving to streamline our lives and make it easier to sell the
bigger house we're in now. So if you know someone who'd love a
great deal on a four-bedroom, Preservation Dallas award-winning 1913
house, drop me a line! Or better yet, talk to me after one of the
shows! Gotta run (and no, it's not to get Botox).
March 11, 2008
Very busy getting ready for multiple shows (see links at the top of the page),
but here’s a shortie for you:
Two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons recently surveyed colleagues to find
the most requested celebrity body parts, and the Star tabloid figured
that if you combined them all, it
should create the perfect face. To find out, they pieced together a
photo of a woman with Katie Holmes' eyes, Katherine Heigl's nose, Keira
Knightley's cheeks, Jessica Simpson's long blonde hair and Angelina
Jolie's lips; and a photo of a young man with Daniel Craig's blue eyes,
Leonardo DiCaprio's nose and Matt Damon's lips. To be perfectly frank
(or perfectly Frankenstein), the woman just looks to me like a lot of
women who’ve had too much plastic surgery, and the result of stitching
all those perfect young male parts together is a face that looks
surprisingly like a young Jay Leno with a smaller chin. I guess this
means Jay Leno is just one chin surgery away from perfection.
Ironically, if Jay Leno went to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, he’d
probably come out looking exactly like a young Jay Leno with a smaller
chin.
I suppose if a woman didn't want to have all that done to her face, she
could just get Dolly Parton's breasts. Then she'd never have to
worry about any man ever looking her in the face again.
Feb. 24, 2008
Ooohh, tonight is Oscar night! Of course, for me, the nominated films –
for the most part, a depressing and bloody lot this year – must take a
back seat to the annual Red Carpet parade of The World’s Most Beautiful
People. The Perfect People. The Sexiest People. The Perpetually
Youthful People. The People Who Are Supposesd To Make Us Run Out And
Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Them.
But in order to maintain that essential illusion, Hollywood actresses
will each spend untold thousands on designer gowns, hair color and
extensions, weeks of intensive personal workouts, radical “cleansing”
diets, diamond-particle “signature” facials, fat injections, wrinkle
fillers such as Radiesse, subtle “one-stitch” facelifts for
30-something actresses, “spot” lipo to smooth every molecule of bulge,
foot surgery to help them stand in stilettos, dental bleaching, and
even calming doses of anti-anxiety drugs. If the Hollywood economy lost
billions of dollars during the writers stike, the money spent on
looking beautiful for Oscar night should make up for it.
Jeez, if I had this much pressure on me to look fabulous, I’d probably
be popping Xanax, too.
I haven’t even mentioned Botox yet. Goodness, movie stars photographed
outdoors in the afternoon sun can’t look squinty, so virtually every
one of them will be Botoxed on the forehead and between the eyes. Of
course, some Hollywood stars will come close to mainlining Botox. A few
will look very pointedly paralyzed. Botox is also injected into the
armpits to keep stars from perspiring on the Red Carpet or while
waiting nervously for that possible Academy Award. Finally (this is
something I just learned about, in a more
detailed article in the London Daily Mail), Botox is now used to RAISE THE CLEAVAGE and make breasts
look more youthful. (With all the breast implants in Hollywood, I would
hope the dermatologist would take extreme care using needles around
breasts!) There’s even a special cleavage “facial” that’s essential for
anyone wearing a low-cut dress.
Oh, and here’s a newly popular but squirrely idea: false eyelashes made
of mink or squirrel fur! They cost thousands of dollars a pair, but it
you take good care of them, they’ll last five to seven wearings.
Madonna got some that were made of mink and diamonds.
If all this isn’t enough to make the actresses look drop-dead gorgeous,
they’ll also be dripping with diamonds and other precious stones. Many
will have every square inch of skin airbrushed the perfect glowy color.
They’ll strut in Jimmy Choo shoes -- and if their feet don’t look
perfect in them, there are anti-inflammatary injections. Also, did you
know that celebrity makeup artists can charge several thousand dollars
for creating just one Oscar-caliber makeup? Appointments are booked
many months in advance.
Sometimes an actress can do all this and still be savaged by the snarky
TV and tabloid critics. So I understand why stars want to look as
lovely as possible. At the same time, we out here have to keep all
their efforts in perspective. There is so much we can do to take care
of ourselves and look like real, relaxed, healthy, beautiful women
without obsessing about our looks the way narcissistic movie stars do.
Really, who do you think would make the more interesting dinner
companion – you, or a perfectly-manicured J-Lo in hair extensions and
mink eyelashes?
Of course, the mink might be a better conversationalist than J-Lo.
Feb. 6, 2008
DEMOGRAPHICS AND THE PRESIDENCY
Disclaimer: The following commentary
about age as it applies to the Presidential campaign has absolutely
nothing to do with my choice for President of the United States, which
reflects, as it should, my very close examination of the issues facing
this nation and how they might be addressed in the real world by a real
person. What does this individual think about the role of government?
Is he or she able to communicate his views well? What philosophy might
affect his or her choices for Supreme Court justices? What might we
ACTUALLY SEE in the world as a consequence, intended or not, of this
person's election? In my opinion, race, gender and, yes, even age are
not relevant to this analysis and should be set aside so voters can
consider the things that really matter. So there.
***************************
I'm writing this on "Super Tuesday," though I live in Texas and
thankfully won't have to go out into the hailstorm (no exaggeration!)
to vote now. But if I were voting today, the choice, as it's been
presented in the media, seems clear: Do I want the young, dynamic black
guy? The older white woman? Or maybe the super-old white guy? Hey, the
Baptist or the Mormon? The only major demographic contest we don't have
- at least, as far as we know - is gay vs. straight.
In fact, I'm reminded of an episode of "Will & Grace" in which Will
(gay) and Grace (Jewish) are trying to decide whom to back for City
Council: the gay man or the Jewish woman. Will, predictably, backs the
gay man, while Grace, just as predictably, backs the Jewish woman.
Later they realize they can't support either candidate -- not because
of their demographics, but because of their incredibly horrid views.
But let's get back to our real election, where the stakes are higher
because they are not fictional. Here, the young black guy has a
Kennedyesque coolness and a hopeful message that inspires blacks as
well as whites, some of whom perhaps long to recapture that wonderful
media creation, Camelot. The older white woman is doing well among
Latinos, Asians and, not surprisingly, older white women, some of whom
have remarked, understandably, that they just want to see a woman
president before they die. (Additional disclaimer: Please do not assume
that I think everyone supporting these candidates is doing so strictly
because of demographic kinship, but many obviously are.) The really old
white guy is doing very well in the polls, but in spite of that was
recently deemed too old to
be President by columnist Anna Quindlen.
("Race, gender - they're both up for grabs in this election. It's age
that has become the new taboo in a vitality culture.")
Quindlen refers to McCain's age as "the elephant on the campaign
trail," saying, "There's been plenty of talk during primary season
about gender and race; it's age that has become taboo." Personally, I
think all three should be immaterial and are a convenient way of
tap-dancing around real issues. There has already been too much playing
of the race and gender cards, not so much from the voters themselves as
from those candidates -- and their husbands -- who think it can help
them. If candidates truly believe that race and gender shouldn't play a
part in this election, then they should refrain from bringing them up.
But now Quindlen plays the age card. She dismisses our society's
so-called "age is just a number" mentality - oh, how I wish we had that mentality, instead of
obsessing about age the way we do - and goes on to say this: "The
gentle but inevitable passing of the guard that once gave young people
an opportunity to rise has stuttered and sometimes stopped." WHAT?? I'd like to know what planet
Ms. Quindlen is living on. As a woman in my chosen field, I'd see my
opportunities increase exponentially if I were in my twenties today.
Quindlen also points out that Old Man McCain suffers infirmities from
his years of incarceration and torture: the inability to climb stairs
quickly or to raise his arms to comb his hair due to multiple fractures
he received at the hands of the Viet Cong. My first observation: What
hair? My second: I wonder whether she would've supported the young,
dynamic-looking, poufy-haired John F. Kennedy if she'd known he
suffered from Addison's Disease and almost incapacitating back pain?
When the cameras weren't on, he must've climbed stairs as slowly as
McCain. What about Franklin D. Roosevelt, so ravaged by polio that he
had to use a wheelchair? How much correlation does age have with
vitality and ability, really? If the writers of the Constitution had
seen such a connection, they never would have specified that Supreme
Court justices could serve for life.
In fact, I recently saw McCain's 95-year-old mother, Roberta, on the
news and she is incredibly youthful and gorgeous! Oh, my god, have you
seen this lady? She must use Perricone. And she's had the vitality to
accompany her son throughout the campaign, city after city. McCain
definitely got some good anti-aging genes.
When I think of the years of excruciating torture and lasting pain
McCain has endured, I have no reason to conclude that this has left him
a hobbling, feeble man. Instead, I'm reminded of the saying, "What does
not kill us makes us stronger."
George Washington first took the oath of office when the average life
expectancy was under 40, so even at age 57 he was way past his physical
prime -- including his teeth, which had long since been replaced by a
full set of painful dentures. He served two terms and left at age 65,
which in those days was considered positively wizened. Ben Franklin,
though never elected President, was active in government affairs into
his 80s at a time when few even survived to that advanced age. We've
had Presidents who were young, old, athletic, frail and even morbidly
obese. Granted, Grover Cleveland could never be elected in the Media
Age - not with the camera adding ten pounds to a body that already
fluctuated between 300 and 332 pounds! It was only after serving as
President that he relieved his severe sleep apnea by losing 80 pounds,
and then he continued to serve, as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
No one who publicly asserted that a black person or a woman shouldn't
be President would be respected today, no matter what rationalizations
he or she might employ. But not so long ago, if we'd had a woman at the
top of the ticket, there would've been dire warnings day after day
about the emotional fragility and hormone swings that render all women
-- with the possible exception of Margaret Thatcher -- unsuitable for
high office. Thank goodness we're past that. Yet some are starting to
talk about age in a similar way. It's as I always say...AGE IS THE LAST BIG CULTURALLY-ACCEPTABLE
BIAS.
Of course, with a 71-year-old candidate, the choice of his running mate
rises in importance, and Quindlen addresses this, posing the question,
"If you enter the process stressing a hedge against mortality or
incapacity, shouldn't that suggest something about suitability for the
job in the first place?"
Answer: NO. Just the fact of
being President is as much a risk of mortality as being older. It's a
hazardous job in ways that have nothing whatsoever to do with age. I'm
sure Presidents Kennedy, Lincoln, Garfield and McKinley, all
assassinated while in office, would agree if they could speak to us.
The choice of a running mate is always
important. If you scan the obits, as I often do, you see that
death or incapacity can strike at any age.
It's great that we have such demographic diversity among our candidates
this time. Still, we won't be over our prejudices until these
differences are simply incidental and play no part in our choice for
President. I think we're still a long way off.
(I'll now pause to review the
election returns from Super Tuesday, and wrap this up in the morning.)
******************
Well, it's just as I thought. According to a detailed demographic
breakdown from Katie Couric and the gang at CBS News that made me want
to tear out my hair, Hillary did well with white women, Latinos and
Asians, and not so well with blacks. Obama received most of the black
vote and did quite well with younger whites. The pattern was so
striking that pundits expressed concern about the preeminence of
"identity politics" among Democrats.
Among Republicans, Romney didn't fare too well; he won his home state
of Michigan and also states with high populations of Mormons, who
wouldn't vote for Huckabee, a Baptist, if Huck paid them to. Huck can't
afford to do that, anyway - he runs a very low-budget campaign! Thus,
another stereotype is shattered: rich doesn't necessarily trump poor in
the Republican Party.
But it's the short, balding, white-haired, achy-jointed candidate who
really won the night. That's right, the Grand OLD Party came out for creaky old
John McCain. Thankfully, his age wasn't an issue to the voters, and I
didn't even hear it mentioned by the pundits.
But if he gets the nomination, mark my word: we'll be hearing about it
a LOT.
Jan 23, 2008
A LATE WORD ON DONDA WEST – CELEBRITY
DOCS CAN BE BAD NEWS
Well, did you miss me?
Perhaps you noticed – God, I hope somebody did – that my last blog
entry was a few long months ago. As luck would have it, just at the
time I was assessing the myriad news reports of the plastic-surgery
death of Kanye West’s mother, I
broke my hand. Kid you not. I slipped on a bit of nonstick
cooking spray that had drifted onto the kitchen floor and, after doing
a fabulous impression of Kristi Yamaguchi careening about on the ice,
landed smack on my left hand with such force and at such an angle that
my ring finger was turned completely around to the side. Oddly, there
was no pain at all involved in this.
X-rays showed that the finger itself wasn’t broken, but there was a
complicated “spiral” fracture of the metacarpal below that finger. So I
had to have hand surgery, involving a long metal plate and numerous
little screws, a few of which I can actually feel in the palm of my
hand. Pity the person who has to stand behind me in line for the metal
detector at the airport. Also, there’s now a long, red scar on the back
of my hand that makes me glad I wear gloves while performing. It seems
to be healing well, though; nice to know I’m a good “healer” in case I
choose to go in for a facelift someday!
I found that recovery from hand surgery can really put a crimp – and
even, at times, a cramp – in keyboard-related activities. Surprisingly,
the pain didn’t start until after my finger had been put back in place,
but then it was brutal. While I was slowly recovering the motion in my
hand, so much age- and beauty-related news accumulated that I didn’t
know where I’d begin. So I procrastinated, even after I was able to
type, and more news piled up. You know how it is.
But let’s pick up where I left off: the sadness and horror of Donda
West’s death. What a tragedy. “My mother is my everything,” Kanye West
said at the time. The story of her death so dominated the celebrity
tattle-shows that by now it must be “old news” to the relentlessly
forward-moving press; still, a woman died under shocking circumstances,
and I believe it’s not too late to weigh in:
Apparently, fame lends such an aura of infallibility to TV doctors such
as Dr. Jan Adams that their patients don’t even wonder why they’re
being operated on in an outpatient facility in a SHOPPING MALL. Donda West was
going in for a breast reduction and a tummy tuck – increasingly common
procedures but still major, major surgery – and that’s where the work
was performed. AT THE MALL!
Then, instead of being moved to some type of recovery facility where
she could be watched, she was taken back to her room and LEFT THERE ALONE. (Pardon all the
total caps; I have no other way to express in print my sheer contempt.)
This was so wrong that only someone who’s been falsely told her surgery
will be a breeze would ever agree to it. She certainly could have
afforded the best of post-surgical care if she’d been under the
impression that she needed it.
I had better surgical facilities and follow-up for the little bone in
my hand than Ms. West had for her two major surgeries. And I had great
confidence in my doctor, a specialist who does nothing but repair
hands.
TV doctors are on TV because they’re good on TV. Never, ever give your trust to any doctor
– or political candidate, but I digress -- just because he or she is
telegenic. Even a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon “to the stars” isn’t
necessarily any good – look at some of the stars! They look godawful!
We tend to think celebrities are special people, with special
abilities, but they’re not. According to “The Insider,” Dr. Adams has
had 15 malpractice suits filed against him since 1998. My hunch is that
the best plastic surgeon on the planet has a name known only to the
lucky few who’ve been referred by word of mouth.
By the way, the “mommy
makeover” -- breast surgery combined with a tummy tuck -- is
rapidly gaining popularity. Women shocked at what pregnancy has
done to their bodies, leaving them with sagging breasts, flabby
stomachs, stretch marks and loose skin, are rushing to plastic
surgeons. I haven’t had children, so I can’t write from firsthand
experience, but it’s easy to understand their haste to undo the damage.
Still, with all the physical, hormonal and emotional changes that take
place in the months after childbirth, many doctors advise waiting on
breast operations until at least three months after breastfeeding has
finished, and postponing a tummy tuck until at least six months after
giving birth.
Now, I’m not an A-list actress trying to schedule the birth of my child
with shooting a movie in a bikini three weeks later, but this advice
makes sense to me.
Of course, celebrity or not, in this age of political correctness, any
time a woman considers having plastic surgery, the debate can’t ever
just be about what the woman
wants. Thanks to organizations such as the Boston group "Our Bodies
Ourselves," it has to be about why she
wants it. Is she doing it for the right reason? Columnist and
mother-of-two Theresa
Walsh Giarrusso, writes, “Yes, your body changes after having
children. And, no, it’s not going to be the same again. But that’s OK.
You’re a different person mentally and emotionally after bringing
children into the world. Why shouldn’t you be different physically? Do
we really need to look good enough to compete with 20-year-olds?”
Jeez, it’s not enough that we’re under societal pressure to maintain
our sexual allure. We’re also under societal pressure to let go of our
allure, from the very people who claim to be fighting societal
pressure.
Personally, I really wouldn’t want to let it go. If I didn’t recognize
my body anymore after pregnancy, I’d probably wait the recommended
length of time, lose the baby weight, get super-healthy, and have the
surgery.
But I sure wouldn’t have it at the Mall.
Coming next: ABC News asks, “How far
will Chinese women go in the pursuit of beauty?”
Oct. 21, 2007
Sure, as always, there’s plenty in the news relating to age and beauty.
I’ll get to all that. But first, I have to satisfy an urge I’ve had for
awhile: to create my very first official List Of Pet Peeves. If you haven’t
ever made one, try it sometime, just for fun, because it can tell you a
lot about yourself. For example, I don’t consider myself that easily
peeved-off, but my list of peeves turned out to be pretty darn long!
Some of these relate directly to The
Age Thing (how could they not?), some only peripherally, and
some not at all. Also, I chose not to include things we all hate, such
as loud cellphone talkers, bad drivers and anything having to do with
air travel. These are personal; some you will no doubt share, while
others may just reflect my own quirks. They’re in no particular order.
So, here we go, with the things that make me say, “Give me a break!”
LAURA’S LIST OF PET PEEVES
the term “baby boomer,” also any variation such as “boomer,” “aging
boomer,” etc.
being pointed at or gestured at from a music video
competitive eating contests
MORE magazine (if you read my
blog, you know why)
fake call-in radio talk shows that are really infomercials
phrases such as “most unique,” “more perfect,” “the most complete”
the Nobel Peace Prize
“over-the-hill” birthday parties with black balloons
flawlessly PhotoShopped models
Magazine lists such as “The 50 Most Beautiful People,” “The Top 100
Movies Of All Time,” etc. (there are many of these, and they all need
to go away, but they won’t. Maybe I should list the Top 50 Reasons for
Them To Go Away.)
white walls and beige carpet
“tear-downs” and starter castles in once-charming old neighborhoods
being lectured to on global warming and foreign policy by Hollywood
stars, many of whom didn’t even graduate from high school
concert reviews that insist on critiquing the age and degree of hipness
of the audience
awards shows – come on, how often does the most deserving person win?
thug culture
Christmas overkill: Christmas season starting before Thanksgiving is
over (let alone Halloween!); also, 90 percent of all the Christmas
songs that have ever been recorded
on the other hand, having to call the Christmas tree a “holiday tree,”
when everybody knows it’s a Christmas tree
fashion magazines’ monthly lists of “must-haves”
the term “reinventing oneself”
the age limit on “American Idol,” also the constant references to
contestants’ ages
extremely passionate, argumentative people who are absolutely convinced
of something that’s factually incorrect
today’s Saturday morning cartoons – the worst politically-correct
pablum! (where are Rocky and Bullwinkle when you need them?)
saying of any actress with millions of dollars to spend on herself that
she is “perhaps the most beautiful woman in the world”
gross-out comedies – I won’t go see “The Heartbreak Kid” and will
never, EVER see “Kingpin”
again
using “they,” “them” and “their” as singular, as in, “Give your child
the things they deserve.”
Hollywood-style celebrity “justice”
overuse of the phrases “if you will” and “at the end of the day”
seafood from China
impenetrable business jargon
image politics
politicians who run on an issue that disappears off the radar screen
once they’re elected
dividing us by decade, as in “your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond”
ads for mascara in which the model is obviously wearing fake eyelashes
child beauty pageants
adult beauty pageants
reality shows, except for “American Idol” and “Dancing With The Stars”
food companies that sell their products as healthy when one look at the
label tells you they are SO NOT
swarms of paparazzi – arrest those locusts for stalking and harassment
my frustrating and unending quest for sexy shoes that don’t hurt
rappers yakking over great old hit songs written by real songwriters
those not-so-fabulous fakes: dark spray-on tans, chopped-off noses,
wind-tunnel faces, expressionless eyebrows, clown lips, chalk-white
teeth, bowling-ball breasts
Dennis Hopper talking to children of the ‘60s about financial services
Hardee’s (The “Monster Thickburger”? Please, Hardee’s, stop the
obesity!)
those long loops on dresses for keeping them on hangers – I can never
seem to keep them tucked inside!
Conan O’Brien’s opening, with the loooooong,
earsplitting trumpet blast at 12:30 AM (11:30 AM Central). Conan has a
fantastic band, but how many thousands of times have they done that by
now?
laugh tracks
televangelists, “psychics” and “faith healers”
hearing any actor called “the greatest actor of his generation,”
especially if it’s Sean Penn, because he probably believes it
the term “generation” (because unless you’re talking about someone’s
family tree, people are born on a continuum and generational divisions
are arbitrary, so there!)
commercials that say, “Get the (whatever) you DESERVE!” (because, hey, for all
they know, I’m an axe murderer and don’t deserve squat)
status designer handbags that cost as much as a new luxury car
Whew, that turned out to be a long list! It’s good that I don’t get
very worked up about most of these things, or my life would be
miserable. Fortunately, I’m an easygoing sort; there are only a few
things that seriously chafe me. And I need this long list of annoyances
to write comedy about.
Besides, the list of things I love would be much, much longer.
Next: "Absolutely Safe," a new documentary on breast implants.
Oct. 14, 2007
In honor of October, National
Breast Cancer Awareness Month, here is my wonderful friend and mentor,
queen of the satirical folk song, Lu Mitchell, singing her hilarious
song, "The Mammogram," and actually finding humor in what we all have
to go through...
Oct . 13, 2007
PLASTIC SURGEONS LOSING PATIENCES WITH
PATIENTS
Definitely check out the October issue of Allure
magazine. I was at the hair salon just long enough to read the
article on plastic
surgery patients who present themselves to their doctors as
self-styled experts. This is becoming a frustrating problem for
cosmetic surgeons and dermatologists.
These patients – almost all female -- have never graduated from medical
school, but they’ve spent a lot of time on the Internet, where the real
truth is, and they walk into the doctor’s office armed with stacks of
single-spaced typewritten pages of exacting instructions. They’ve
created computer morphed “Before and After” shots of themselves. They
know all the medical terminology and sound well-informed to the layman.
The problem is, they’ve never actually performed surgery, injected
Botox and wrinkle fillers, or learned the hazards of many of the
procedures they want their doctors to perform.
Nevertheless, they’re insistent. And they’re never satisfied – they
have to keep tinkering. Ultimately, they have even more procedures to
“fix” the bad results caused by the original procedures. Then they have
to “fix” the “fix.” And then “fix” that.
One doctor quoted in the article spoke of a patient who had returned
from Mexico with a vial of some kind of bone cement (I’m not kidding) that she wanted him to
inject into her face. As any reputable physician would, he refused,
explaining that he had no guarantee of what was in that vial. He could
literally be injecting her face with anything,
and he wasn’t going to be responsible for that. So she waved bye-bye
with her perfectly-manicured hand and continued her search for someone
who would do it for her.
No doubt she didn’t have to search for long. I've heard of
dermatologists in Dallas who very openly perform procedures – or have
their assistants perform them – that are unapproved by the FDA and pose
serious risks to one’s health and/or appearance. You can probably find
their names on various plastic surgery websites that extoll the virtues
of such procedures. Go ahead, look them up, so you’ll know who not to patronize.
This problem seems to be a variation of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which
is what makes anorexics see themselves as fat when they’re actually
starving to death and Michael Jackson think he’ll be perfect after just
one more plastic surgery. Often it’s a focus on one particular physical
flaw, but once that flaw is addressed, it can morph into a pathological
appetite for perfection that will never be satisfied.
My friend Dr. Brown, who’s known as one of the best plastic surgeons in
Dallas (and that’s saying a lot!), tells me he has women come in and
tell him exactly how to make over their breasts. A common instruction
is, “Make me as big as you can make me!” But Dr. Brown doesn’t do that.
Often, he’ll counsel a patient that because of her height and bone
structure, he can’t make her more than, say, a “C.”
I think I can safely say he didn’t do Pam Anderson’s breasts. Or the
breasts of any woman who aspires to look like her.
Quite a long time ago, I actually consulted Dr. Brown about a possible
reshaping of my nose, and the experience taught me a lot about the
psychological aspects of plastic surgery. If you look at pictures of me
on my website, you’ll probably say, “Her nose looks just fine! Why
would she want to change it?” (at least, I hope you'd say that). Well,
the reason was one photograph,
taken from an odd angle, that really did make my nose loom large. So I
told Dr. Brown that I didn’t want to change the shape of my nose, just
make the proportion a little smaller.
He listened, then had me come in for some “Before” pictures, both front
and side view. The assistant behind the camera looked confused and had
to ask me, “Now, what is it that you wanted changed?”
I’ll never know if Dr. Brown had told her to ask that question, but it
sure made me think. “If this person,” I wondered, “who sees hundreds of
plastic surgery patients every year, can’t even tell that it’s my nose
I’m concerned about, then what is my problem?”
Then, when I saw the photos and realized that they looked more like
“After” pictures, I told Dr. Brown that I’d decided against having any
work done on my nose. He must have been relieved. And I’m glad that he
trusted me to come to my own conclusion; if he’d just said at the
outset, “You don’t need it,” I might have just answered, “Well, I think
I do.”
Unfortunate, overdone nose jobs are as common as paralyzed faces these
days. One big difference, though: Botox wears off in a few months,
while, to paraphase James Bond, a nose job is forever. And if the first
attempt isn’t right, there has to be another procedure, and perhaps
another. I’ve seen many hypershortened noses that are beyond saving.
Then the question becomes like a bad trip to a casino: Do you want to
walk away with your losses, or risk what you have on another procedure,
knowing you’ll probably come out worse but might come out better? In
that sense, the addiction to plastic surgery seems to me a lot like the
addiction to gambling. With this kind of risk, you might lose the ranch
or lose your nose – or, like Michael Jackson, you might lose both.
This isn’t to say that a nose job is never a good thing. If you really
don’t like your nose, if it’s caused you to suffer comments and
heartache all your life, then I say, “Rah-rah, rhinoplasty!” If you’re
in show business, and a slight change in your nose will make you
photograph significantly better, then go for it, as lovelies from Paula
Abdul to Halle Berry have. But find the best surgeon you can, one who
will get it right the first time. Find one who will listen to you, and
then…LISTEN TO HIM. Have the
work done. And then, if at all possible, consider it a finished work of
art.
Your life is a work in progress; your face shouldn’t have to be.
Oct. 10, 2007
A round-up of news from all over...
THE HALLUCINATORY HALO OF HEALTH
The famously shrinking Jared lost tons of weight by eating all his
meals at Subway. So everything they have at Subway must be healthy,
right? Wrong!
Cornell
University found that people who eat at Subway, billed as the
healthy, lowfat alternative to typical fast food, tend to consume more
calories than McDonald’s diners. They gave students coupons for either
a Big Mac (800 calories) or a 12-inch Italian sub with cheese (900
calories) plus any free extras they wanted. Subway eaters were more
likely to add chips, a cookie and a non-diet drink because, researchers
concluded, Subway has a “health halo” that makes people assume
everything is low-calorie. Subway eaters were also more likely to snack
later in the day because they think they ‘deserve it” for eating so
healthily.
Also because, as everyone knows, free food has no calories.
Their snack of choice? I’m betting it was a Big Mac.
Does anyone really think Jared lost all that weight by eating 12-inch
meatball subs with cheese? I’m thinking that most of the people in this
study were college students with fast metabolisms, who got the extra
cookie because it was free and Subway has really good cookies. The ones
who did have weight issues probably just thought, “Well, this is free;
I’ll diet tomorrow.” And maybe it’s not that Subway has a “health halo”
but that McDonald’s has the opposite: an especially bad rep as
unhealthy fast food that makes people choose more carefully. This study
may have some merit, but I’ve noticed that researchers, after
painstakingly accumulating and analyzing their data, often interpret
the facts in an incredibly subjective way. On the bright side, if
deluded people keep chowing down on Subway meatball subs, Jared has
plenty of big old pants he’d be happy to sell them.
BIG SOUTH AMERICAN BREASTS
I didn’t know this, but it’s become a tradition in Venezuela, a truly
beauty-obsessed nation, to give one’s daughter breast implants for her
15th birthday. There’s more plastic surgery taking place in Venezuela
than anywhere else on earth – is it any wonder that it produces the
most beauty queens? -- and the 15th birthday implants are so popular,
they’re advertised on TV. Breast augmentation has become a rite of
passage, like nose jobs in Beverly Hills.
Proving the old adage that even
a broken clock is right twice a day, socialist president and
aspiring revolutionary Hugo Chavez has come out against the ridiculous
fad, calling it “horrible” and “the ultimate degradation.” He also
wants his country rid of “Western icons”such as Barbie dolls. He
lectured the country about this on a recent Saturday TV appearance that
ran eight hours.
I hear that people actually watched the whole thing, transfixed. Maybe
because it was illustrated.
Obviously, Chavez hasn’t thought this thing through. If he wants a
socialist revolution, what could be more helpful than a country full of
giant boobs? Also, his stand against fake breasts could be the final
straw that makes Venezuelans rise up and overthrow him. He’s said some
crazy things before, but this time he’s gone too far!
MORE ON BOOBS
Scientist Patrick
Mallucci presented a breakthrough report in London this week. He
thoroughly researched photos of hundreds of female celebrities with
fake boobs to help plastic surgeons create perfect-looking breasts for
clients. (Millions of guys do this job on the Internet, and he’s
apparently the only one who gets paid for it.) Speaking to the Breast
Enlargement Conference (yes!), he said he’d found the ideal breast job
is a “45-55 percent proportion,” with the nipple at least 45 percent
from the top and not at the halfway mark or lower.
He also declared British model Caprice to have the best fake boobs in
showbiz (they’re absolutely capricious), while the worst are Victoria
Beckham’s, which are “unnaturally round.” I tend to agree. Of course,
they look that way because in honor of her husband, she had two soccer
balls installed.
Also, her nipples are in the bottom 10 percent.
This researcher had wanted to study female celebrities with real
breasts, but, unfortunately, he couldn’t find any.
THE RULES OF ATTRACTION: HIGHS AND
LOWS
McMaster
University in Canada studied the Hadza tribe of Tanzania and found
that men with deeper voices had more children than men with
higher-pitched voices. Researchers said previous studies found that
women find males with deeper voices to be more attractive, judging them
to be older, healthier and more dominant and masculine. Also, men
perceive women with higher voices as more attractive, subordinate (!),
feminine, healthier and younger.
Okay, then, I want to know why Jessica Rabbit, the most seductive
cartoon character ever, was voiced by Kathleen Turner, not Jennifer
Tilly or the woman who voices Minnie Mouse. And why have men
traditionally been attracted to sultry-voiced women like Lauren Bacall
and Susan Hayward?
Conversely, why did women like the Bee Gees in the ‘70s? Sting sounds
as though he’s on helium, yet he’s perceived to be all the things on
the above laundry list. And look at Mick Jagger and Robert Plant: they
don’t have deep voices, and I’ll bet they’ve got more children than
anybody. Some they don’t even know about.
I personally tend to like lower voices, for both men and women. My
husband has worked in radio and doesn’t have the basso profundo “voice
of God” announcer’s voice, but it’s still pretty low. It makes him more
attractive to me than he’d be with a high voice. On the other hand, he
doesn’t have kids. I think this may be another one of those studies in
which subjective conclusions have been drawn. Or maybe those
conclusions are just particularly true in Tanzania.
Wife #1 became enranged, grabbed a kitchen knife and nearly deprived
him of his manliness. He managed to get to the hospital and have it
sewn securely back in place.
Though the wife could get up to three years in jail, she’s not worried.
All she needs is one woman on
the jury. Then it’s “justifiable penicide.”
Men, listen up. Never, I repeat, NEVER,
compare your older first wife to your younger second wife. Especially
when you are naked, and there’s a kitchen knife within reach.
STILL TOO FAT FOR THE RUNWAY
Have you seen the billboards that show anorexic French actress Isabelle
Caro nude? The
shocking pictures of this emaciated woman are captioned with the
slogan, “NO TO ANOREXIA.” There’s a magazine ad, too, and Caro has been
featured on Entertainment Tonight
and other TV shows. Critics say girls might look at Caro as a role
model because she’s getting to be a celebrity, and they have a point.
But photographer Oliviero Toscani said that girls with anorexia who
look at it would say to themselves that they have to stop dieting, not
that they have to look like Isabelle Caro.
My thought is that girls with anorexia will say to themselves that
Isabelle Caro looks fat.
Or maybe they’ll look at the pictures and say, “Hey, I’m not that thin... I’d like to be…”
I’ve seen what she looks like, and it’s a skeleton with some skin
stretched over it. I don’t know how this woman is still alive. In fact,
my theory is that she’s not actually alive. I think there’s been some
taxidermy involved. She’s been stuffed and mounted.
Well, mounted.
THE BRITISH ARE PHYSICAL WRECKS
A study
by the gym chain L.A. Fitness has found that the fitness of Britons
has reached a new low: 53 percent can’t touch their toes, 68 percent
can’t do 20 sit-ups, 60 percent can’t carry their weekly shopping home
from the supermarket, and a quarter of British women are too fat to
fasten their own bras. It has occurred to me that these are the very
women who really need to wear bras! I suppose many of them just give up
and wear tube tops.
The Brits seriously need to start getting in shape. Here’s one
suggestion: If they’re having trouble carrying home their groceries,
maybe they should stop buying so much food.
Next: In October’s Allure
magazine: Plastic surgery obsession from the doctor’s point of view.
Oct. 7, 2007
DON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES...OR ANYONE ELSE'S
I’ve just watched two absolute must-see videos. The first one, Onslaught, a Dove film at campaignforrealbeauty.com,
opens with a closeup of a lovely fresh-faced girl, maybe about 9 or 10
years old, and then takes off into a bombardment of edgy media images
at breakneck pace: flawless faces, perfect bodies in tiny bikinis, and
“transformed” skin, interspersed with yo-yo weight loss and even a
brief flash of the toilet bowl as it awaits an upchucked meal. (This
all happens so fast that one may need several viewings to take it all
in.) It ends with another shot of the young girl with her friends as
they walk to school and the message, “Talk to your daughter before the
beauty industry does.”
Bravo, Dove! Of course, it has to be said that Dove is a part of the beauty industry,
but they deserve a huge commendation for their unique approach.
Several months ago, I was surprised by the cynical reaction to the Dove
campaign expressed by an acquaintance of mine. “I can just see the
executives and ad people sitting around the table, talking about how
they need to position their company to cut through the clutter,” she
said (I’m paraphrasing here), her eyes rolling. “That’s all it’s really
about.” And she considered it exploitative to show the women of various
body types in their underwear.
I must confess -- cynic though I am -- that I love the Dove Campaign
For Real Beauty. The quest for perfection forced on us from all sides
can be so damaging; this campaign shows how we can be suckered by it
and helps us find our way back to the real world. Even if, in the end,
it is just a way to sell products, at least it’s the right way. May
they break all sales records with this campaign.
Dove has another great video that rapidly details the amazing powers of
Photoshop to “beautify” a woman’s face. It’s called Evolution, and it's been on
their website for some time; but there’s a new one, not associated with
Dove, that does the same thing with a woman’s entire body. It’s called The Power Of Photoshop. Unless
you’re a professional photographer who’s already skilled at this
process, you have to see it to believe it.
In the video, an extremely heavy woman is posing with much of her ample
flesh exposed. The Photoshop artist gradually reproportions the woman’s
body and face, much as a sculptor chips away at a block of marble to
create his vision of Aphrodite. The woman’s dimply skin becomes
flawless, her breasts are lifted and shaped, her dark hair triples in
volume as her hips become one-third their original size, and the light
around her glows like hundreds of buttery candles. She has become a
completely different woman, and the effect is totally realistic. Now,
she’s ready to post her picture on eharmony.com.
Wow, this is even faster weight loss than they promise in those ads for
weight-loss products. No hunger, no surgery, no sagging skin, and the
weight stays off!
I’m urging every woman to watch this, in the hope that she’ll never try
to compete with Photoshopped media images again.
*************************
A WORM’S-EYE VIEW OF TIME
As any reader of this blog knows, I follow the Perricone Prescription.
That means no sugar or other high-glycemic foods and plenty of
antioxidants, both in food and as supplements. I think it’s had quite a
remarkable effect, not just on how I look but on my overall health, so
much so that I even sing an aria, “O Worship Dr. Perricone,” in my
show.
Glamour, their advertisers and their presumed
readership care very much. In fact, they seem pathologically obsessed
with it.
There’s a whole section called the “20, 30, 40 Special – Inspiration
for every age” that includes features such as “What Will You Look Like
In 20 Years?,” “Look And Feel Your Sexiest at 20, 30, 40” and (my
personal favorite) “Everything You Need To Know About Being 20, 30,
40.”
Spread throughout the magazine are pages such as “Look-great ideas at
20, 30, 40.” I learn on this page that the 20s are a great time to live
out a travel fantasy (like Claire Danes), the 30s are when you make
time for a cause (like Queen Latifah), and the 40s are the time to “be
proud! ‘I’m aging like a fine wine and showing young women, look at
what you can grow into'” (like Mariska Hargitay). Okay, thinking of
yourself as a role model is great, but can’t you travel, work for a
cause, or be proud of yourself at any age? What’s with all the
categories?
And while we’re at it, what are the 50s the time for? Apparently,
they’re the time for death, because there is nary a mention of anyone
in this magazine who’s over 49. Yet they keep repeating the mantra, “at
every age…at every age…,” as if there were
no women over 49. Many women I know who have the digit “5” in their
ages, not to mention “6,” “7” or even “8” (one of my dearest friends is
a very current 80), might legitimately wonder what the editors of Glamour mean by “every age.”
Of course, they’re not going to target women that old, because their advertisers
obviously want to reach the – you guessed it – 20s, 30s and 40s. This
is why so many magazines make a point of specifying these decades over
and over, month after month. Their advertisers want to sell clothes and
skincare products to 20-year-olds and 40-year-olds. My guess is that
demographic research has convinced the editors that this is about as
wide a net as they can cast and still keep those valued 20-year-olds,
who are also – surprise --
turning into a big new market for anti-aging products. So Glamour can have a full-page ad for Aveeno “clear
complexion foaming cleanser” (to fight acne) and also one for
Neutrogena “anti-oxidant age reverse day lotion” (to fight aging).
Gosh, there’s even one full-page ad, for Revlon Age-Defying Makeup,
that screams “DEFY AGE” in
huge red letters.
More magazine, in contrast,
covets advertisers who are selling to women 40-plus, and they try –
again, way too hard -- to define themselves in terms of that particular
golden demographic. In this magazine, it’s the 20s and 30s who don’t
exist. Virtually everything in More
is devoted to reminding one of one’s age; I can hardly get through an
issue without throwing it across the room. Jeez, give me a break! I’ve
ranted about More magazine
before and will do so again; for now, let me just say that, although it
often contains wonderful writing from insightful contributors (all over
40, of course), it’s based on a concept at odds with my philosophy of
truly “ageless living.” Sure, it puts a positive spin on aging, but it
also puts a not-so-positive spin on my
head by obsessing relentlessly over everybody’s age.
This particular issue of Glamour is
just about as bad. I say “just about” because there’s still quite a bit
of content that’s more like their usual thing, with no reference to
age. They have a spread on “the best fall clothes for your body type”
as opposed to “for your age,” and another one on “a power look at every
price” as opposed to “for every age.” They include tips for making more
money, losing weight and enhancing one’s understanding of the male
animal – things women in general truly are interested in. (Aside: I
listed those three things according to relative difficulty.)
But then we get to page 253, and the headline: “20, 30, 40…Hot at every
age!” Here, we get to see which decade of life all our favorite
Hollywood stars (under 50) are currently enjoying. Superimposed in a
little circle over each star’s picture is – you guessed it – her age.
Who’s 20? Who’s 30? Who’s 40? We have to know! Who’s younger than we
would’ve guessed? Who’s older, but passing for younger? Who’s had
plastic surgery? (My guess: virtually all.) Have you had enough? Ready
to throw the magazine across the room yet?
But then, turn the page, and there’s something that, in spite of the
“20, 30, 40” in the headline, I actually like: “Doing it all wrong at 20,
30, 40. Women explain the value of throwing out your timeline.”
All right! We hear from a woman who moved back in with her parents at
31, graduated college at 37, had a baby at 45. No, these are not the
same woman. Three different women made choices that ignore the
traditional timetable, and they’re glad they did. It’s a great message
-- although the parents of the 31-year-old might disagree.
On the very same page, though, is another groaner: “The Perfect Woman
In Each Decade.” This pushes me towards the precipice of violent rage,
for so many reasons. But here it is: According to a Glamour poll, the perfect woman in
her 20s is (for men) Jessica Alba, 26, and (for women) America Ferrera,
23. Men and women agreed on the perfect woman in her 30s; that would be
(ugh) Angelina Jolie, 32. Wow, they sure didn’t ask me. They also
agreed that the perfect 40-something woman is Salma Hayek, 40.
Does everything have to be
broken down into decades? Is our view of ourselves based entirely on
the fact that we use a base-10 numerical system?
I turn the page in frustration, and there’s more: “Celebs at 20, 30,
40,” which shows how 40-something stars have changed their looks
through the decades, and “We asked guys, what do you love about women
in their 20s, in their 30s, in their 40s?” I don’t even want to hear
it.
I turn the page again, and this is the worst part of all! “Guess the
star’s age! 20? 30? 40? A good outfit never tells. (Bonus points if you
can spot the 61-year-old!)” Yes, it actually says this! We see six
fashionably-dressed celebrities, but only from the shoulders down. You
check a key to see if you guessed right; it turns out that 61-year-old
Jaclyn Smith is third from the left.
So, okay, I have to admit, one woman
over 49 does appear in this magazine. But does the picture of a
headless woman thrown into the mix as a novelty in an age-guessing game
really count?
It just goes on and on. In “The Secrets To A Happy Life, three
generations of smart, successful women mouth off about what happens to
your head and your heart (and your knees!) as you grow from 20, to 30,
to 40 and beyond.”
Oh, wait! I’ve spotted someone else over 49! It’s Kathleen Turner,
identified as 53, saying, “I had a great time being young, but I have
no desire to look the same now.” I find it meaningful that the picture
of her they chose to run was taken when she was much younger. It even
says, “Turner in her thirties.” Apparently, the editors desire that she
look the same.
Even the feature story, “It Took Three Women To Make This Baby,” leads
off this way: “When a couple in their forties, an egg donor in her
twenties and a surrogate in her thirties used science to create a
child…” Normally, I’d find a story like this interesting, but in this
context, I’m thinking, “Enough already!”
Towards the back of the magazine, after some luscious fashion spreads,
there’s “Look And Feel Your Sexiest At 20, 30, 40!” We learn that
Claire Danes thinks her metabolism is slowing down at 28, that Queen
Latifah has lost her sexual hangups and is now happily enjoying the
“dirty thirties” at 37, and that 43-year-old Mariska Hargitay says,
“You hit your forties, and you’re fearless, you’re just unstoppable.”
Okay…
If my blog about this magazine seems unusually long, remember: it did
say that it would tell you EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO KNOW about being 20, 30 and 40. So, hey, I had to
cover a lot of ground! Now, it’s time to sum up with what I think is
wrong with this whole approach.
When I see a magazine like this one, I know I’m on the right track with
my beliefs about age. It’s why I write this blog, and one big reason
why I perform “My Ship Has Sailed.” My dream is for one’s age to be
thought of as essentially meaningless, like one’s shoe size. Maybe
someday we’ll get there, but, judging from this magazine, I think it
may have to get worse before it gets better. I hope that twenty years
from now, my nieces -- for the record, now in their twenties -- will
find this old copy of Glamour
in a garage sale somewhere and just laugh and laugh.
What does it mean to be in a particular decade of life? This question
was on my mind this past weekend, because it was the fourth anniversary
of my mom’s death. Mom died of something totally unrelated to her age;
the hospital was never forthcoming, but I think she developed an
infection there that shut her organs down two days after a routine
appendectomy. She’d been in great health all her life, and I think she
would’ve lived many years longer. Over the past few days, I’ve been
thinking back to where my mom was in her life when she was in “my
decade.”
It was totally different. She was dealing with the personal problems of
a husband and two daughters; I’m married but have no kids, unless 16
parrots count. (Mom would never
have had parrots!) She had a great head for business but no career.
I’ve worked all my life as a writer and performer and am only now
shifting the career into high gear. Mom and I were so different; she
didn’t really share my interests in the arts or theatre or humor. She
hadn’t taken care of herself well and in “my decade” underwent a
complete facelift; something I wouldn’t need at all and can’t even
imagine contemplating for many years. In “my decade,” mom even became
widowed; my father died tragically at a young age. She lived for two
more decades as a widow, spending most of her time taking care of her
grandchildren as they arrived and, as far as I know, not going on even
one date for the rest of her life.
So what does it mean to be 20, 30, 40? I say there’s no way to answer
that question. I say it’s a stupid question. I can only conclude that
it’s a stupid question that sells magazines.
Sept. 5, 2007
MEN: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BALD
Every day, I see stories in the news relating to The Big Age And Beauty Thing, but
today it's an embarrassment of riches - mostly embarrassing to men, I'm
sorry to say. Where to start?
First of all, did you know that when choosing women to date, men look
almost exclusively at appearance? It's true! Let me tell you, I was
shocked. Researchers
from Indiana University who studied speed daters in Germany found
that while women considered such things as wealth and status,
commitment to family, good health and, yes, physical appearance, men
kept it simple and concentrated on physical appearance. I'm guessing
that by "physical appearance" they meant "breast size."
To be fair, women were looking at attractiveness, too. Interestingly,
even though they said they were looking at numerous traits, the men
they picked tended to match their own self-assessed level of
attractiveness. Coincidence? The researchers think not; their report
speculates that women know what they can get and aim for men who are
about as attractive as themselves. They don't "overshoot" by picking
men who are more attractive because a gorgeous man might run off with
someone hotter.
This is called "the Jennifer Aniston Principle."
Personally, I think women hesitate to choose men more attractive than
themselves because they hate to have to share the bathroom mirror.
Men have always been open about their tendency to rate women by
appearance; in fact, I've always hated it when a man would say that a
particular woman was "out of his league." Of course, this means that
beautiful women will most often get asked out by men who think of themselves as outrageously
attractive. Ever date a man like that? Ever want to again?
So the man and the woman are both thinking about relative hotness, but
at different levels of awareness and for different reasons. The woman
is thinking long term: would he stick around?? The man is thinking in
the moment: can I get her to go out with me and sleep with me on this date??
Sometimes I think it's amazing that most of us remain heterosexual.
********************
It gets worse. Did you know that women are pickier
about whom they'll kiss than men are? (I know, another shocker.) A
New York State University team surveyed over 1,000 students and learned
that women use kissing as a way to assess a man as a potential partner
and increase bonding, then later to maintain intimacy and check the
status of the relationship. Men, on the other hand, kiss to increase
the likelihood of sex, and they're willing to have sex with someone
whom they don't find attractive or think is a bad kisser or whom they
haven't even kissed at all.
Especially at closing time, after many beers.
It seems that men are driven to have sex with virtually anyone, even
someone they would never kiss! Of course, there are women with this
attitude; they are called "hookers."
And, to think, women agonize over what flavor of lip gloss to wear.
********************
Here's
another study about men, sex and age that'll make you cringe:
Researchers at Stanford University believe that humans live as long as
we do because of horny old men. They say that generally, living beings
die soon after their reproductive stage ends, but human males are able
to continue reproducing long past the age at which females go through
menopause. Because men in their 70s are still able to impregnate
younger women, and often do, humans have evolved to live well past the
age at which women lose their fertility. The implication: we women
should be grateful!
The researchers stopped short of saying that post-menopausal women had
no real reason to keep on living. Perhaps there are reasons for
non-fertile women to exist: for example, to care for the grandchildren
if their own daughters run off to live with Hugh Hefner.
Just think, now that we have Viagra, soon we'll all be living for 300
years.
I'm wondering if evolution is perhaps lengthening the time of a woman's
fertility as well. I recently heard of a record-setting birth that took
place when the woman was 59. The conception was completely natural;
she'd taken no fertility treatments. It only makes sense that, as human
lifespan increases, the span of fertility will increase as well.
But men will still be chasing 18-year-olds.
********************
Okay, I've bashed men enough for one day. Though you might not be able
to tell so far, this blog is actually for both women and men as we all
deal with issues relating to age and attractiveness.
So let's talk about something men typically face with either
resignation or blinding fear. That's right: baldness! Humorist Matt
Wixon (mwixon@dallasnews.com) has
a column about his hair, or lack thereof, in the September 3 issue
of The Dallas Morning News. It was inspired by the fact that after
using the same photo in the paper for six years, he now has a current
one -- one that shows him with a different shirt and, by the way, with
decidedly less hair. Wixon's column, besides being really funny,
testifies to the pressure men as well as women face to keep looking
young and, uh, beautiful.
I love his speculation about where his hair went, especially that a
bird might have picked up some of it and used it in a nest. (Birds love
our hair; some of my pet parrots like to gently preen and "style" my
long locks, while others don't know their own strength and can end up
snipping off a strand!) Perhaps his hair is just trapped inside a
vacuum cleaner bag, he writes, but maybe it's in an exotic part of the
world.
I'm reminded of what Charlie Brown says of Pig Pen's dirt in "A Charlie
Brown Christmas": "Think of it as maybe the soil from some great past
civilization. Maybe the soil of Ancient Babylon. It staggers the
imagination..."
"I'm OK with balding," Wixon continues. "It was a difficult adjustment,
however. How could it not be? Our superficial culture values
appearance, especially youthful appearance, over just about everything.
There is no "aging gracefully" anymore. Nips, tucks and faceli
