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Nov. 10, 2005

I know, I know, it's been forever since I posted!  But we have been incredibly busy for the past month.  Last weekend, we were at the Texas Radio Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony one night, at a funeral the next day, and at the Leon Rabin Theater Awards the third day.  I had never seen my husband Pat in a suit three days in a row.  He told me that the next time he wears a suit for that long, it will be in the days following his own funeral.

One of the world's best singer/songwriters, Amy Rigby, had dinner with us before her show last month at the All Good Cafe, then performed what I think is the best concert I've ever heard her give, and we've seen her multiple times.  Amy has a great new album out called "Little Fugitive," and how is this for brave: the cover is a collage of all her old driver's license photos!  As always, the songs are terrific, particularly "The Trouble With Jeannie," one of Amy's wonderfully funny/sad/well-observed songs about discovering that your ex-husband's ex-wife is going to be a part of your life whether you like it or not, and the most disturbing thing about it is that "she's so nice."  Go here to learn all about Amy and buy her new album and all her old ones.  Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

We also saw Rob Becker's "Defending The Caveman" (a great show, and he's one of my role models because of the way he turned his nightclub act into a touring theatrical presentation/personal crusade, which is my goal, too).  Since we also write a syndicated radio humor service, Pat was able to arrange an interview after the show, and Rob invited us to his dressing room for a lengthy private visit.  He was extremely nice, told us all about the genesis of "Caveman," and even took my demo DVD to share with his wife.  If you've never seen this show before, Rob is retiring from it, but he's personally trained several other people to continue in his footsteps.  Schedules and information can be found here.

We have been talking to a number of venues about presenting "My Ship Has Sailed" in 2006, both in Dallas and in other cities, and we're working on making the "show" aspects of it bigger and better.   There's a beautiful new theater space downtown that's interested in having us, as well as the West End Comedy Theater and a third downtown venue.  It's very exciting, and I'll keep you posted on new developments as soon as they're confirmed.

In the meantime, I have a mountain of news piling up, so I'm just going to do a document dump to give you plenty to read.  I'll do some now and more later.

Let's start off with some of the quotes I've been saving up.

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Here's a great line from Linda Stasi, the witty TV critic for the New York Post, in her review of Geena Davis' new series, "Commander-In-Chief":

"Davis, often the most glamorous woman at the Academy Awards, is very good, and gets double kudos for being the only woman over 40 in Hollywood who hasn't had so much surgery that she looks like the tragic victim of a horrible wind-tunnel accident."

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Antonio Banderas has some choice words for producers who won't hire his poor, decrepit wife Melanie Griffith because of her advanced age:

"She deserves to work, she is a wonderful actress. Hollywood is very cruel with women that cross 40. With women it's very strong, and it's very unfair sometimes.  Hollywood just goes for fresh flesh.  I feel bad for her because they are just missing actors who still have something to say."

No wonder women go ga-ga over Antonio Banderas!  What a swordsman he must be!

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Next up, Jessica Alba volunteers to be a role model for plus-sized girls, show them you don't have to be skinny to be sexy, and encourage them not to diet:

"At the end of the day, I just had to think that girls who have curves and aren't the skinniest things in the world are going to feel more comfortable seeing me as the main character than someone else.  So I had to just think that maybe I would help young girls with their body image."

Yeah, nothing makes an insecure, overweight girl feel better about herself than seeing that poor bloated Jessica Alba in a bikini.  Although I suppose that by Hollywood weight standards, Jessica probably is considered to be a cow.

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There are few experiences in life more fascinating than listening to Anna Nicole Smith expound on her breasts.  She admits she started with C-cup implants, moved up to D's, then double-D's, then F's (sounds like her breasts followed the same trajectory as her report cards) before settling on her current size, which she refuses to divulge.  Or maybe she just doesn't know what letter comes after F.  Anyway, she says she gets them changed every five years or so to remove scar tissue, so they're like tires.  Or maybe they actually are tires.  Tractor tires, most likely.

Here's the money quote:

"I've heard a rumour that I have two implants in each boob.  Now, if anyone could show me how that would work, I'd really like to see it myself."

If someone does show her, I bet we'll all be seeing it soon.

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My heroine this month is model/actress Lauren Hutton, who refused $1 million to pose nude in the 1970s, but she's doing it now at age 61 (I hate telling her age, but they make such a big deal about it in the story, I almost have to).

Big magazine is doing an issue in her honor and asked her to pose nude.  She said she was shocked, but her 14 godchildren said she looked okay in a swimsuit and it would be "inspirational."  She insisted that the photos be unretouched, to show women they can be beautiful at any age.  Hutton said she wants women to stop listening to 2,000-year-old patriarchal standards and being "ashamed of who they are when they're in bed."

And who is the 2000-year-old patriarch who sets the standards for what women are supposed to look like nude?  You guessed it: Hugh Hefner.

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I should also offer a salute to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, who got married since last we spoke.  Naturally, all the stories about it concentrated on their 15-year age difference, which would mean nothing at all in Hollywood if it were the man who was older (to prove it, Demi's ex Bruce Willis is reportedly dating someone more than 15 years younger than him, and nobody bats an eyelash).  For a guy who makes a living playing idiots, Ashton has been pretty eloquent in denouncing people who constantly question him about the age difference, saying he loves Demi, the age gap is irrelevant and he never even thinks about it.  In fact, maybe they're setting a new trend: here's a story about similar younger man-older woman couples in Hollywood.

Of course, no matter how little the age difference matters to the couple themselves, the Hollywood press can't stop harping on it.  The nadir had to be reached with a story I read that referred to it as a "May-December romance."  Demi Moore is 42!  If 42 is "December," what's 45?  "Year after next"?  Or just "borrowed time"?

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Okay, that's installment #1.  Much more still to come.  Check back later!
 
 
 

Oct. 18, 2005

Still on a little break, but I promise more stories will be added soon.  We are also working on booking more shows and have interest from several Dallas theaters.  But we have to wait until Brian is through with "Wicked" and records a live CD with the Brian Piper Trio in early November.  Stay tuned!

In the meantime, I hope you'll join us this Thursday, Oct. 20, at the AllGood Cafe in Deep Ellum when one of our favorite singer/songwriters, Amy Rigby, makes a rare live appearance.  The cover is just $10.  Amy writes great songs with memorable melodies and heartbreaking or hilarious lyrics, mostly from the point of view of a middleaged single mom who refuses to pipe down and stop being hip.  Her songs include the very funny "Cynically Yours" (about settling for a less-than-perfect man because you're "just too tired to look around anymore"), the gorgeous "Magicians" ("we make reality disappear"), and my favorite, "Invisible," about the world ceasing to notice women after they turn 35 or so, which I perform in "My Ship Has Sailed."

Amy has a number of brilliant albums out.  We own them all, and you should, too.  The good news is that if you come to the AllGood Cafe, you can not only hear Amy perform live, you can buy her CDs and get them autographed, too, including her brand new one, "Little Fugitive."  I haven't even heard it yet, but I know it'll be great.  Tell your friends, and I'll see you there!
 
 

Oct. 10, 2005

Sorry to be gone for awhile, but I’ve been very busy and also fighting either a cold or an allergy attack.  The West End Comedy Theater gig went very well – well enough that we set a box office record for Monday and were invited back for a Friday or Saturday.  Thanks to everyone who came out, especially a great lady and one of my songwriting idols, Lu Mitchell.  I’ll have more on that and some goofy news items soon, so check back.  In the meantime, I’ve been writing something that just kept growing into a bit of an epic, and I’d like to share it today…
 

Check out the October 2005 issue of “O” magazine, with the cover headline:  “Age Brilliantly!”  You’ll recognize this issue because it has Oprah on the cover.  (Just kidding.)  I just picked it up yesterday, but I’ve already found some wonderful food for thought.

By the way, two years ago, Oprah did another “age” issue, headlined, “Age Well – Start Now.”  (Well, okay, but I’d like to put it off for a little while.)  The timing of that issue couldn’t have been better; I was just starting to do my show, and it communicated to me that I’d really struck a nerve.  For example, one woman was quoted as saying she had started to sense the doors closing on her to the things she wanted to do in life.  Her age:  36.

Now this latest issue brings it all home to me that, yes, our society truly is age-obsessed to the point of mental illness.  If that weren’t true, Oprah would have no reason to publish articles like, “What Scares Women About Getting Older?  EVERYTHING!” and “The Truth About Dating After 40.”  There’s even a sidebar article called, “How Not To Get Pushed Out Of Your Job,” in which you’ll learn why many life coaches and human resources professionals -- both male and female – like me, do not reveal their ages.  They know firsthand that age discrimination is real!  One sample quote, from career coach Scott Kane:

    “(In advertising and public relations)…once you’re past 40, you should be
    looking for another occupation.”

Are you shocked, or just relieved that you’re not in advertising?  This is the sort of thing that makes me say in my show that age is the last culturally-acceptable bias.

Keep in mind that I’m an actress…also working as a performer in the music business…and co-writing a radio comedy service.  In all of these fields, you’re getting “up there” once you pass 30!  Any wonder why I don’t go around shouting my age from the rooftops?

Still, I have to say that I do not share many of the fears expressed in the article “What Scares Women About Getting Older?  Everything.”  Here are a few of them, along with my own perspective:
 

WHAT IF I NEVER MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN?  It was never my goal to “be married.”  I’m married because I met the particular man I wanted to be married to, and he shared the desire.  I knew I was marrying my best friend in life.  If that hadn’t happened, I would have continued being single, rather than “settling” out of fear of being alone or wanting to have children.  There is so much else one can do in this world!  It also helps if you have even just a few incredible friends, and I do.

As for kids, I don’t know why, but I’ve never had the strong desire to have them.  And I’ve never felt pressure from family and friends; I guess they knew me too well.  For some reason, I wanted birds.  (My first words as a child were, “Birds outside.”)  Now my husband and I have 13 parrots; we take in homeless and handicapped birds.  If I really loved being around children, I’d teach children’s drama or something like that.  Most importantly, I hope that I’m helping to change the world in ways that will help the next generation.
 

BUT IF I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN, WHO WILL CARE FOR ME WHEN I’M OLD?  Well, my parrots won’t be able to do that—although some of them will almost surely outlive me.  But having kids is no guarantee that they’d take on that responsibility, either, or even live nearby.  When my mom got into her 70s, she became almost obsessed about this.  She wanted to be independent and not become “a burden” to my sister and me.  At the same time, she knew she might not be able to live in her house forever.  My sister and I only wish we’d had to opportunity to be there for her in the coming years in whatever way we could; she died very unexpectedly two years ago.  The dependency she feared so greatly never had time to materialize.

I do fear becoming mentally infirm. (Really -- my mind would be a terrible thing to wasste!)  The way I’ll be remembered is becoming increasingly important to me.  I wouldn’t want my loved ones’ enduring memory of me to be that of an old lady who didn’t even recognize them.  And how awful to have to care for someone whose mind has already left you.  One reason I hope “My Ship” becomes a huge success is that I’ll be able to send more money to the Alzheimer’s Foundation and help end that nightmare--soon.
 

I’M WORRIED ABOUT LOSING MY LOOKS AND FEELING THE PRESSURE TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY.  I like the quote in this article from Joan Hamburg, host of the Joan Hamburg Show on WOR Radio in New York:  “Would I have plastic surgery?  No!  I’m sure I’d be the one whose nose would end up on my boobs!”  Okay, so she swears she’ll never go under the knife.  I think it’s interesting to note, though, that she’s on radio.  Not TV.  Radio.

Please don’t let anyone tell you there’s something morally wrong with having plastic surgery.  (As I say in My Ship Has Sailed, I’m doing the show to raise money for my plastic surgery account.  Ha.)  It doesn’t necessarily mean you have no self-esteem, although it can.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being unrealistic about your age, although it might.  It may just mean that you recognize the age bias that exists and know that a little fine-tuning might help compensate.  You don’t count on it to change your life, but you know that – depending on what you want to do -- your “old” looks might possibly hold you back.  You’ve already found other ways, like diet and exercise, to take care of your looks and health.  You don’t spend the rent money, and you seek a realistic, natural result – not perfection, because the demand for perfection can lead, ironically, to destruction. (Think Michael Jackson.) You’ve also done your homework and found a skilled, respected cosmetic surgeon who understands and shares your goal.  If you’ve made a carefully-considered decision, don’t feel that you’ve angered the Political Correctness God by having plastic surgery.
 

I DREAD THE FEELING OF BECOMING INVISIBLE.  WHAT IF I NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN?  I have to say that I’m disappointed by the responses the article provides to this one.  Fiction writer Abigail Thomas says, “One day in my 50s, I realized I really didn’t care about the rest of it (sex, etc.), and hadn’t for quite a while.  The heat was gone, and what replaced it was an avid desire for life.”

That attitude may be fine for some, but for the rest, it strikes us as, well, fiction--the kind of fiction that arises from denial.  To give up on sex and romance in one’s 50s is a great way to say to men, “I know you’re going to reject me, so I’m rejecting you first.”  I do a song in my show called “Invisible” about walking into a bar or onto a beach and going totally unnoticed.  Just about every woman over 35 or 40 has experienced that.  Most of us are hard-wired to want at least some attention from the opposite sex, and I’m sure this desire doesn’t just vanish with the last menstrual cycle, let alone the first little visible signs of age.  The article is sadly dismissive of a mature woman’s sexual feelings.
 

I’M TERRIFIED OF ENDING UP ALONE.  Again, this is a very common fear, but I guess you know by now that I don’t share it.  I think I will always find ways to be connected in ways that are important to me.  It’s the process of loss that leads to being alone that I wonder if I can take.
 

WHAT IF I LEAVE MY JERK HUSBAND AND FIND MYSELF TOO BROKE TO SURVIVE ON MY OWN?  There were some good responses here; I think this fear must be very common!  One respondent quoted Helen Keller:  “Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.  Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”  Those words from a deaf-and-blind woman should inspire anyone who’s scared of being on her own to choose a “daring adventure” over a life that’s miserable but more secure.

I saw a “Dr. Phil” the other day about women who were married to pathologically controlling men.  I mean, these women might as well have been wearing burqas.  Of course, they’d been brainwashed to believe they’re too stupid, unattractive and untalented to make it on their own.  They hadn’t been allowed access to household finances, and virtually their every movement had been monitored.  Thankfully, Dr. Phil offered them and their children help with the transition out of their homes.  Anyone in this kind of sick relationship needs to realize that help is available and reach out.

Of course, many women find themselves married to jerks because they were eager to get married at the time society sets for wedding bells and babies.  (As I say in my show, life doesn’t have to happen on a timetable.)  They probably had second thoughts, but they “settled.”  The men were able to make them feel that nobody else would want them.  Or maybe a pregnancy “happened.”  Listen to your inner voice.  Does this man insist you fit a certain mold?  Do you have to walk on eggshells around him?  Do you want a baby so much that you’re willing to raise it with disaster all around?  Make sure the man you marry truly loves you, is fair-minded, responsible, emotionally healthy and treats you beautifully.  And if you’re not at a point in your life where you know you deserve to be treated that way, then you’re not ready for marriage.  (There!  I’ve just saved you the cost of a divorce.)
 

I’M ANXIOUS ABOUT THE BURDEN OF CARING FOR AGING RELATIVES.  As I said, I lost my mom a couple of years ago; my dad died very young in 1984.  If they were alive, this would be a tremendous worry for me—particularly the prospect of Alzheimer’s disease.  I don’t know how anyone who cares for an Alzheimer’s patient survives emotionally.  In a way, it’s a relief to know I’ll never see one of my parents with dementia, but, still, I cry sometimes at the realization that I’ll never see them…period.

In the article, Cicely Tyson responds simply and impressively to this fear.  She explains that she lost everyone in her immediate family and was left as the sole survivor.  She says, “I did what I had to do.  I think all human beings would do the same thing.”

I’d like to point out that this sort of responsibility can hit at just about any age.  My mom was in her teens when she had to start caring for her mother, who started to develop severe rheumatoid arthritis and a host of other medical and emotional problems at age 35.  This is yet another reason why I say you just can’t tell much about a person by his or her chronological age.  There are only trends; everyone’s life is unique.
 

I’M SCARED ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO WORK AS I GET OLDER—AND ABOUT SOCIETY’S ULTIMATELY THROWING ME AWAY.  There were some really great responses to this one.  Here’s what Joan Hamburg said:  “I just about fainted the day, at age 50, I received information from AARP.  I threw it in the garbage.  That’s not me.”

My reaction would be exactly the same.  I refuse to retire.  Ever.  As George Burns used to say, “I can’t die, I’m booked.”

Yes, there’s big-time age bias out there, but we have to meet it head-on.  Our success depends mostly on our own attitude.  We have to have passion for the things we do--and still want to do.  It’s up to us to reject the message that we’re “too old.” As Abigail Thomas says in this article, “Society has little to do with it.  You throw yourself away.  You decide that you’re irrelevant.”  Well, I’ve never felt more relevant or cared more about what I was doing than right now, this minute.
 

WHAT IF I END UP A BAG LADY?  Whew!  You know, I’d never even considered the possibility until I read this article. There’s a powerful quote here, from psychotherapist Florence Falk:  “To be a bag lady is to be cast out—and women have always been cast out of society unless they’ve made it a point not to be.”  Well, dammit, make it a point not to be!

Also, I suppose that if someone were so paranoid about appearing older that she spent her last dime on plastic surgery, she might become a bag lady.  At least she’d be a hot-looking bag lady.  And that’s the important thing.
 

There’s much more in this new issue of “O” that I’m looking forward to reading.  Example:  “Nora Ephron On Maintenance,” which is bound to be a scream.  Now, I haven’t looked at this yet, but I think most twentysomething women spend just as much time on their looks as fortysomethings.  They just do different things, like researching the 2,000 different brands of mascara to find the right one, perfecting their spray-on tans, and achieving the ultimate pair of breasts through whatever means necessary.  They color their hair and line their lips. They may not get Restylane, but some of them are already getting Botox.  So it’s really not just about being older—it’s about being female.  We all spend hours blow-drying our hair until we think we just can’t stand it anymore, then get up the next day and do it all over again.

I hope you’ll pick up the October issue of “O” magazine.  We’ll talk more about it soon!
 
 
 

Sept. 23, 2005

Sorry for not blogging for awhile, but I've been very busy this past week, preparing for the show Monday at the West End Comedy Theater in downtown Dallas, and now it looks as if we'll be performing on the edge of a hurricane.  How's that for timing?  Well, don't let it scare you!  Come down and see us!  If the water rises, you can all climb aboard my ship.  After a certain age, we're all in the same boat anyway.

Lots of interesting news has piled up.  Two stories are too serious to joke about, but they are interesting and on the topic, so you might want to check them out:  they involve the first face transplant and someone suing "Extreme Makeover."

Now, let's plow through the fun stuff...

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Some wonderful news first:  The London Daily Telegraph reports that the hottest new trend in romance novels is no longer "chick lit" but "matron lit": books about widows or divorcees in their 40's or 50's who find new love (or as publishers call it, "science fiction".)  They're like "Bridget Jones" books for people who find granny panties to be really sexy.

Older writers who were dumped by publishers are being snapped up again, and say they're thrilled to be able to write about mature women with interesting lives instead of young singletons they don't understand.  One author said her next book even includes a romance between two 80-year-olds.  The man is afraid of kissing because his dentures might come out, and when he gets down on his knees to propose, he can't get up.  Not what a girl wants to hear at a moment like that.  "I've fallen in love...and I can't get up!"

As much as I love this literary trend, why do I get the suspicion that when they make the movie version, those two characters will be played by Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie?

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The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons slammed two magazines and several plastic surgery providers for offering free cosmetic treatments as contest prizes or promotions.  They say it belittles the serious risks of surgery, reflects badly on providers, and may encourage people to have more procedures than they need.

One clinic offers 200 pounds ($358 US) off your fifth procedure after you buy four (or buy 29 facelifts, and the 30th is free!).  Their spokesman defended the frequent user card, saying it was launched in response to customer demand.  Cher, Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson use it more than their Subway Sandwich Club cards.

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Manhattan plastic surgeon Dr. Howard Sobel says cosmetic surgery patients are getting younger and younger (isn't that the whole idea?)  Actually, he means they are literally younger than ever:  they're getting nose jobs at age 13, liposuction at 16 and breast implants in high school.

While Dr. Sobel says he turns down most teen patients, he said he has injected Botox into girls as young as 17 who are worried about developing crow's feet, probably from constantly worrying about looking old.  One woman in her early 20s who's already had implants and Botox explained to the A.P. that she wants to stay young forever.

Too late: she's already in her TWENTIES!!

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The latest unlikely nude calendar by mature women is the "Desperate Librarians 2006" calendar from Waupaca, Wisconsin.  It started as a normal gift calendar for a retiring librarian, but then someone suggested they make it a nude calendar to raise funds for the libraries.  Six librarians refused, but five librarians and an assistant, aged 32 to 60, were game.  They posed in the libraries, apparently nude but with oversized books (in some cases, giant road atlases) covering their dewy decimal systems.

They must look pretty good, since men are now trying to check out the librarians.  And the calendar is selling well.  Click on the link to contact them and order one.

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Probably the story that got the most publicity (for the least reason) this week was that supermodel Tyra Banks is tired of being accused of having breast implants.  So to prove it, on her new talk show "Totally Tyra," she removed her bra from under her shirt and let a plastic surgeon squeeze her boobs on national TV and give her a sonogram to officially confirm that they are natural (and that they are spectacular).  Of course, the sonogram alone could have confirmed this, but the squeezing made for much better TV.

Anyway, being a top plastic surgeon, he announced that they are 100% natural, then he recommended she get implants.

Just kidding!

For the record, Tyra claims that her bustline is not the result of silicone but the result of push-up bras.  Which still leaves one vital question unanswered:  "What the hell brand of bra is  that?!"

This story has sparked a number of Internet spoofs.  I'm tired of it already, but if you just can't get enough jokes about this subject, try here and here and here...

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In other celebrity fake breast news, Contactmusic.com reports that ultra-thin actress Lara Flynn Boyle is really feeling like a boob because she desperately wants breast implants but can't get them.  It seems that her breasts are too small because her mouth is too big: she said when she was given "great boobs" for "Men In Black II," she belatedly realized their importance, but she can't get implants because she's already been such a vocal advocate against plastic surgery.  She said, "I got myself in trouble.  Who wouldn't want a boob job?"

Answer: Aretha Franklin.  Each of her boobs already weighs more than Lara Flynn Boyle.
 
 
 
 

Sept. 16, 2005

Before you put on your makeup, brace yourself for this news item:  In an investigative report, the UK Guardian newspaper discovered that a Chinese cosmetics company was selling lip plumpers and skin beauty products in Europe that were developed using skin and collagen from the corpses of executed Chinese prisoners.  ("People!!  Lip gloss is PEEEEEOPLE!!!!")

The company spokesman publicly denied it, but the paper said he'd told an undercover reporter posing as a Hong Kong businessman that using skin from condemned convicts is "traditional" in China, and he's shocked that western nations "make such a big fuss about this."  He'd expect a fuss if they used bunny rabbits to make cosmetics, but come on: these are prisoners!  They had it comin'!  Plus, it's very high quality collagen: some of the prisoners were 13, 14 years old, tops.

It does give a whole new meaning, though, to the phrase, "Is that Mary Kay you're wearing?"

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Now that I've put you off your food, let's do a diet story:

Australia's National Institute of Aging is testing a new fad called "The Warrior Diet."  Dieters can gorge themselves on three meals a day, even hamburgers, sausage and ice cream, but only during a two-hour period; then they have to fast the other 22 hours.  It's based on the idea that evolution meant for humans to be hunters who kill their prey and eat one big meal a day (you remember those episodes of "The Flintstones," where Fred killed off a giant ice cream sundae.)   It sounds dubious, but researchers report promising early results: some people have lost a lot of weight, and their health appears to be improving.  Soon, they'll be as healthy as our primitive ancestors and die at 30.

Incidentally, the test subjects said that gorging-and-fasting was hard at first but they quickly got used to it.  Fortunately, most people already had the "gorging" part down.  Except they gorged for 22 hours a day and slept for two.
 
 

Sept. 13, 2005

Tonight is Women In Film's annual Chick Flicks Film Festival.  Women filmmakers will be showing their short films at the Angelika at Mockingbird Station, starting at 7, and there's an afterparty where you can meet the filmmakers.  I'll be there (I'm a WIF member), but non-members can get in, too, for $10 each.  Come on out, and say hi if you see me!

And now, a little news...

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This is a pet peeve of mine, and I often tell my husband that if I ever start doing this, he should point it out or throw a glass of water on me or something:

The University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, has discovered why older people ask embarrassing personal questions or go on in gross detail about their health problems in public (and invariably at the dinner table.)   A study found that young people were just as likely to ask personal questions about their friends' health, family or sex lives, only in private, while people aged 65 to 93 were more likely to blurt it out in public.  It turned out that older people realized this was inappropriate and embarrassing, but due to changes in the brain caused by aging, their ability to inhibit their conversation seems to weaken.  This is called "Estelle Getty Syndrome."

Now that we know, can we please start working on a cure?!  And preferably one that doesn't come in suppository form, because I don't want to hear that story over dinner.

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The New York Post reports that model/TV host Tyra Banks is having doppelganger trouble: the September cover of the porn mag Xtreme features a naked model who looks just like her.  The woman was discovered by a porn director at a mall, and has now posed nude, made a movie called "Boned" and launched a website called "TotallyTyra.com" (and she is so totally not Tyra!)   Next, she'll be hosting a TV show called "America's Next Top Porn Star."

Banks' spokeswoman saw the Xtreme spread and said, "Clearly, this is not Tyra.  Tyra doesn't smoke or drink, and she wouldn't pose nude in a million years."  Of course, for a model, one year equals a million years.

I finally understand why some people go to plastic surgeons to look like celebrities: you really can make a career out of it.
 
 
 

Sept. 9, 2005

Please keep donating to help victims of Hurricane Katrina, and don't forget to help the people rescuing pets.  We've volunteered to be a foster home for parrots or other birds, but so far, nobody has called us.  Maybe they don't have any this far away (Dallas), but we're more than ready if they get some.

And now, let's take a break from the sad news and look at the lighter side of age and beauty news...

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In a study partly funded by Kellogg (surprise!), Dr. Won O Song of Michigan State University found that women who eat cereal for breakfast tend to weigh less than women who eat other foods or who skip breakfast, since the latter make up for it by snacking.  In bad news for Jerry Seinfeld, for some reason, men who ate cereal showed no similar weight control effect.  Possibly because they ate mixing bowls full of Captain Crunch.

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Jane Fonda has joined Jamie Lee Curtis' crusade against unrealistic images of beauty and agreed to become the oldest-ever cover model for Good Housekeeping magazine, but only if they did no digital retouching.  Although she admits having some plastic surgery, Fonda said she's now proud of her wrinkles and doesn't want them removed to make her "look like everyone else."  She said, "The long-awaited realization that good enough is good enough liberates the spirit.  And, of course, good lighting is important too."  She said recent rumors she's had a facelift are all the result of lighting, and that thanks to lighting, "I can look 100 or 50."

So in other words, 50 is the new 30, and lighting is the new digital retouching!

She's right, by the way.  I have also discovered the miracle of lighting.  You can make your wrinkles disappear entirely, simply by switching all the lights off.

A funny sidelight: the London Telegraph website apparently searches for keywords in stories and places ads that match them onto the page.  So the story in which Jane Fonda urges women to be proud of their wrinkles popped up on my screen surrounded by ads for anti-wrinkle creams and plastic surgery clinics.  Thanks to the latest high tech Internet technology, our messages are mixed for us automatically.

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FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY!
A survey of 2,000 British women by Health Plus magazine found that 77 percent of those over 40 say sex is better now that it was in their 20s.  Nearly half say their sex drive is greater now, and large majorities are more sexually adventurous (they didn't define what was meant by "adventurous British sex") and most pleasantly surprising, feel more confident about their bodies.  Only 33 percent prefer a younger man, which is a good thing because Ashton Kutcher is exhausted!  They didn't ask how many men prefer a younger woman, but this is a feel-good story, so let's not dwell on it.

Great quote: Health Plus editor Colette Harris said 40-plus women know how to enjoy pleasure more now than when they were younger; they are tired of people thinking sex is only for 16-to-39-year-olds, "with the possible exception of Liz Hurley or other celebrities who wear Versace and pout a lot;" and they "have far better sex lives than binge-drinking, bed-hopping 20-somethings."   They know they do because the 20-somethings are all sleeping with their ex-husbands.  Of course, it's possible the binge-drinking 20-somethings do have better sex, but they just can't remember it.

On a side note, when my husband saw this story, he said, "No man should have sex with 40-plus women.  Three women at a time is enough."  And I was forced to strike him.

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While hunting for an Oscar Wilde quote on telling your age -- I found it: "Never trust a woman who would tell one her age, because a woman who would tell one her age would tell anything" --  I came across a shorter version off it in a Miss Manners column in which someone asked how to deal with nosy people wanting to know your age.  Since this is right up my alley, and I love Miss Manners, I thought I'd share it with you.

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Let's finish up with a celebrity story:  Elton John says he loves playing Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, but he's noticed a strange new reaction: when he goes out shopping, he gets chased by 60-year-old women (even though he'd obviously prefer 30-year-old men.)  Elton said he and his manager Bob Hailey were being chased through a mall and were laughing very hard when Bob realized, "We're being chased by 60-year-old women!"  To which Elton replied, "Bob, we are 60!"

This should give you an idea of just how desperate some 60-year-old women are.   Personally, I prefer to think they just wanted to know where Elton got his fur coat, and if he paid retail.
 
 
 

Sept. 2, 2005

Sorry to go so long without a blog update, but we have been watching the terrible news from the Gulf, and I just didn't feel like posting humorous material.  We have to write comedy for our radio service no matter what else is happening in the news, and it keeps piling up, but I just didn't feel like posting it.  Now, I have to get back to work.  But first, let me urge you to visit NetworkForGood.org.  At the top of the page, you'll see a link to Hurricane Katrina info.  Click on it, and it takes you to a list of reputable aid agencies who need donations right away.  Please give whatever you can.

And now, let's give ourselves a little break and enjoy a chuckle over the more trivial news from the world of age, beauty and fashion...

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In an Elle magazine interview, Pamela Anderson is continuing her campaign to urge women to avoid plastic surgery and grow old gracefully.  There will be a slight pause while your mind reels.

Back? Okay:  Pam said she'll never get plastic surgery above the neck (easy for her to say: what man ever looks at Pamela Anderson above the neck?)  She also said, "Don't buy into all the anti-aging secrets.  It's a conspiracy.  We're all getting older so accept it.  Don't waste your money on loads of products.  Don't stress!"  As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I should note that she did not address the problem of all the women who feel stress because they don't look like Pamela Anderson.

But Pam did offer one beauty secret: espresso.  She said "it goes right to the nipples" and makes them perky.  In fact, it keeps them up all night!  Iced coffee also works very well, but only if it's applied directly.

*****************************************

"Entertainment Tonight" seems to be suddenly jumping on my anti-age discrimination bandwagon (of course, they devote 30 seconds to an older star decrying age and lookism, then the rest of the show to glorifying people for being young and beautiful, but what the hey, it's a start).  In the past week, they've had heavily-hyped, then annoyingly brief, segments on both Melanie Griffith and Raquel Welch blasting age bias in Hollywood.  Sample quote, from Raquel Welch:

"I started telling my age when I was about 40, and it's a big no-no...It's cost me a fair amount of work...I don't want a monkey on my back, and I don't see why you shouldn't be considered attractive because of a number."

This could come right out of my show, except I suggest that you never tell your age, since Raquel is living proof it will just be used against you.  Of course, Raquel was always considered attractive because of a number: 38.  But it wasn't her age, it was her bust size.

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More showbiz quotes: Young hottie Scarlett Johansson complained that after making "Lost In Translation" with Bill Murray and extolling the virtues of older men, only old men would ask her out.  She's now dating Josh Harnett, so I guess she finally got past that, but she's put her foot in it again by telling Cosmo that her choice for the sexiest man in Hollywood is Woody Allen.  Well, at least Woody won't be bugging her to date him.  She's much too old for him.

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From the Science Desk comes a study by UCLA and UC-Irvine researchers, debunking the cult belief that cutting your calorie intake by a third and always being hungry will help you live to 120.  Starving mice lived longer, but the researchers say there are so many complicated factors influencing human longevity, starving yourself would, at most, extend your life only by 7 percent.  However, it will seem much longer.

This must mean that when Janice Dickinson calls herself an immortal supermodel, she doesn't mean it literally.

On the other hand, here is news of an exciting new study of an age-defying protein called Klotho.  Mice who had an excess of it lived up to 30 percent longer.  Let's hope that someday, researchers stop trying to create a race of immortal mice and start sharing some of this stuff with us humans.

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Health clinics in Scotland report that since "Desperate Housewives" began airing, there's been a fourfold increase in women aged 30-50 suffering teenage-style eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia (and they're not just throwing up because they're eating Scottish food).

Doctors say women see the very thin cast members such as Teri Hatcher leading glamorous, sexy lives, and get the idea that they have to stay ultra thin to remain young.  Listen, ladies, If you want to live like the women on "Desperate Housewives," do it the healthy and natural way: get a lot of Botox and hire a hunky gardener

*****************************************

I confess I find this next story highly amusing, since I'm here in Dallas and can see the subject firsthand.

The New York Times reports that the boom in breast implants, particularly the humongous ones favored in Southern California, Texas and Florida, is causing problems for fashion designers.  They make clothes that fit slender, flat-chested models, but women who have inflated their busts to a D or F cup find that their waists and chests now require two different sizes of clothes and their outfits still fit funny, even after expensive alterations.

This part strikes me as hilariously ironic:  The Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills (that's L.A.: Land of Anorexia) now sells more size 12s than any other US store, because women there need a 12 to fit their breasts, while the rest of the garment has to be cut down to a size 2.  (Size 2?  In Beverly Hills, that's a cow!  Make it a zero!)

Frankly, if you've gone to that much trouble to look like a stripper, I don't know why you'd want to wear clothes at all.  Just be like Pamela Anderson and go naked everywhere.

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As long as we're on the subject of plastic Hollywood boobs, let's wrap up with a story about Tara Reid.  The rail-thin actress whose incongruously large breast once fell out of her gown on a red carpet and she apparently didn't even have enough feeling in it to notice (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did an hilarious bit about this on "Saturday Night Live") has finally admitted her breasts are fake.  After denying the rumors for years, she now says, "I mean, everyone does it.  I don't know why I'm the one who gets so much attention."

I don't know...Maybe because you're the one who's standing on a red carpet with your boob hanging out?
 
 
 

Aug. 24, 2005

Not much blogging recently because my husband/webmaster Pat has been preoccupied with getting our Comedy Wire website onto a new server and back up after a two-week interruption.  There's still only a barebones placeholder up, but he's working on it.  In the meantime, here are a few things to chew on from the age and beauty front...

One thing I joke about in my show is the age limits for contests like "American Idol" (28 -- so I still have time!) and Miss America (26, I think...so I still have time!  Hey, it's my blog, I'll say what I want.)  But here is a little glimpse of the perfect world that is to come after my show changes our culture and I get to make all the rules:

Philippa and Cressida Grant are the first mother and daughter to compete in the Miss Great Britain beauty pageant.  Philippa, 40, is a former model, and when her daughter Cressida, 17, noticed there was no age limit in the rules, she suggested her mom apply, too.  She did, and made it.  Cressida says her mom is still "drop-dead gorgeous" and will probably go farther than her (40 is, after all, the new 17).  Philippa says she hopes they both make the finals together and have fun, and there won't be any rivalry.  Yes, the 40-year-old and the 17-year-old will share everything, even Botox needles.

And in our perfect world, they will both make it to the finals, then be beaten by Camilla Parker-Bowles.

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Here's good news: your wrinkles will now be toast, thanks to the French company Noreva, which is marketing a new "anti-wrinkle jam." They say their studies found many women were tired of taking pills, so they put the same antioxidants and anti-wrinkle substances into a form they could spread on toast.  It comes in three flavors: green tomato and green tea, melon and mango, and blueberry and blackcurrant, at $8.50 (US) for a 4-ounce jar.  Nearly 90 percent of women who ate a spoonful a day for 10 days said it improved their skin.  Noreva calls it "the first anti-wrinkle product you can savor."

I don't know; if you're out of cream cheese, some of those avocado cold creams aren't bad on a bagel.

If you can't afford $8.50 a jar, just eat one jar of any jam per day, and soon, all your wrinkles will fill out.

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Here's the kind of story I love:  In Klaipeda, Lithuania, two young robbers knocked on the door of 93-year-old Soja Popova, then shoved her to the floor.  But she reached up and grabbed the closest one by the testicles as hard as she could.  Soja said he started "screaming like an animal," and his friend was trying to pull him free, but she has a "grip like iron" from years of milking goats.  Neighbors heard the noise, and she finally let go when the police arrived.  They said the crooks wouldn't have gone far anyway, since one could hardly walk "and seemed pleased when he saw the police car."

I'll bet the goats used to run from her, too.  In fact, that's probably the animal he was screaming like.  Anyway, I nominate her for a Crimestoppers award, for taking one more crook out of the gene pool.

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Finally, here's a link to a comic strip I appreciated.  One of the major things to which I credit my good complexion (aside from the Perricone diet, of course) is a lifetime of avoiding sunbathing and using sunscreen.  This strip really hits the nail on the head.
 
 
 

Aug. 19, 2005

Very busy week, and some interesting news is piling up.  I'll try to get it posted over the weekend, so check back soon.

We tried to book another public show in September, but Pocket Sandwich Theater wasn't available, so we are looking for another venue.  It will be posted here as soon as we have a date.  It will have to be before the State Fair starts, since Brian will be playing the piano in the orchestra for the national company of "Wicked" at the Dallas Music Hall (yes, he's really that great a musician!  My show is more than just Cher jokes, you know.)

Finally, the Dallas Observer printed a lengthy letter I wrote to them in response to an article about women in comedy that got me all riled up.  The original article is here (scroll down to "Funny Girls"), and my reply can be read here.  The headline is "The Laugh Ceiling."  And yes, it does include the word "uterus."  No matter how many times you say it, it's always funny.
 
 

Aug. 15, 2005

Catching up on the news from the age and beauty front, let's kick it off with a celebrity quote, this time from Susan Sarandon on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show":

"I'm scared of plastic surgery. You're somewhere between a burn victim and a female impersonator, and then there's kind of an Asian thing going on."

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Fox News reports that the hottest trend in Hollywood is "Lollipop Heads."  This is a term given to emaciated women with larger-than-life heads, accentuated by big hair, jewelry and sunglasses, so their silhouettes look like suckers on a stick.  Examples given include such starlets as Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, who are technically more like Blow Pops: stick bodies and big round heads with nothing but bubblegum inside.

The look also includes bohemian-style clothing so oversized, they look like they're swimming in it.  While health experts condemn it, some young women say they like the oversize clothes and accessories because whether you're thin or fat, they make everyone look tiny.  Yeah, I'm sure Kirstie Alley darn near disappears.  Plus, it makes men feel compelled to take you out for a meal.

The big hazard with this look is that the girls are so skinny and their earrings so big, they can't lift their heads.

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Actress Mimi Rogers has always refused to get plastic surgery, but she finally had one procedure: a breast reduction.  The star of the appropriately-titled "Weapons of Mass Distraction" had her famously large boobs shrunk from 34DDD to 34D.  She explained, "When I walked into a room, my breasts were always several steps ahead of me...Men were talking to my chest the entire time, but I couldn't blame them."

They couldn't look her in the face: they had to stand so far back, they couldn't see it.  But now that men are looking her in the face, she'll probably rethink that "no facelifts" rule.

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The University of California at Irvine found that false memories may be an effective way to lose weight.  Using "false feedback," researchers managed to convince test subjects that they'd had an unpleasant early childhood experience, such as vomiting or nausea, after eating strawberry ice cream.  Afterward, they were significantly less likely to want it.

However, this did not work with potato chips or chocolate chip cookies.  They said it's possible they've had so many good experiences with those foods that one unpleasant memory isn't enough to ruin it.  True, so true...

So now, the test subjects have switched from strawberry ice cream to chocolate chip.

In extreme cases, they try to implant a false memory of being molested by Willie Wonka.

*****************************************

Finally, Jamie Lee Curtis is continuing to blast the plastic surgery- and Botox-crazed atmosphere in Hollywood.  She told the London Daily Mail, "The way they are injecting things and freezing things, people are looking like aliens."  She added that her husband Christopher Guest once asked her to guess who he thought was the most beautiful woman in the room at an awards event, and he told her it was the completely-natural, 82-year-old Jessica Tandy, star of "Driving Miss Daisy." Jamie Lee said, "He was absolutely right.  I have taken that to heart."

So Christopher Guest is either a very sensitive, enlightened man, or one shrewd cookie.  Of course, an even better answer to the question of who the most beautiful woman in the room was would have been, "Why, you, my dear!"  But Jessica Tandy was a pretty good second choice.  If he'd said Angelina Jolie, then she'd really have something to worry about.
 
 

Aug. 13, 2005

Sorry to go so long without blogging, but I've just been swamped, and my husband/ webmaster Pat has been too busy doing income taxes and handling other business issues to post new material.  But I have a huge backlog of stories and celebrity quotes that will be appearing very soon, so please check back in a day or two.

In the meantime, here is a Dallas Observer article about female comics that got my ire up enough to prompt me to write a response.  If they print it, I'll link to it, and if they don't, I'll post it here (ah, blogging: most democratic of media!)   Scroll down to the headline, "Funny Girls."

And here is a MUST-VISIT LINK!  If you have ever looked at a model or celebrity in a magazine and despaired, or if you have a teenager who thinks she needs to diet, get plastic surgery and trowel on makeup to look like images in glamour magazines, then you have to check out this link.  It's called "The Art of Retouching," and it's the site of a glamour photographer who works with professional models and celebrities to create the perfect, gorgeous images you see in magazines and on CD covers.  Just click on any of the small photos and wait for the larger version to load completely.  Then put your cursor on the photo, and watch it change to the unretouched version.

See golden, glowing, evenly-toned skin suddenly sprout blotches, blemishes and cellulite!  See round, heart-shaped bootys flatten, perfect flat stomachs pooch out, gravity-defying boobs deflate, jawlines lower, and piercingly bright eyes turn bloodshot.  Or remove the cursor and see Beyonce's rolls of rib fat magically disappear!  In other words, see flawless models and celebrities revert to human beings! (Well, Halle Berry still looks ridiculously good even unretouched, but check out the rest. I especially recommend pictures 1 & 3 in row 1, #5 in the second row down, and #4 in row 4.)

So the next time you see a perfect model or celebrity and start to lament that you don't look like that, think about this website and remind yourself: they don't look like that either!  NOBODY DOES!!!!!
 
 

Aug. 2, 2005

Just wanted to do some quick blogging before our performance tomorrow at Pocket Sandwich Theater (see info above).  We're bringing in terrific stand-up bassist Chris Clarke as a special guest, so the music will sound especially sublime.  And it's not only centrally-located in Dallas, it's a NON-SMOKING VENUE!!  So I hope you'll come out and see us, and please bring your friends.  We live by word of mouth!

BTW, the story I wanted to tell you about appearing on the "Jack E. Jett" TV show is that one of the other guests was a male porn star who prepared for his segment by entering the fairly crowded and quite public make-up room and getting stark naked, for no clear reason.  I don't think he really needed makeup all over, at least not for this particular shoot.  I guess it was just force of habit.  Anyway, the makeup lady and I just kept staring straight ahead, keeping our eyes on our business (and not on his).  I told her, "Well, this is another story for that book I'll have to write someday."

Also, I called in to our friend, recovering Hollywood stand-up comic Julia Duffy's, show on WBAP last night, and she gave me a nice plug for the show Wednesday and plans to be there.  Be sure to listen to her on Tuesday and let WBAP know you liked her.  They are deciding who should get the evening slot on 820-AM, and we think it should be a funny, local woman rather than yet another syndicated blabber.

And now, the age and beauty news...

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Sometimes, I read news that tells me I'm on the right track doing this show, but being right can still be a little depressing.  Here's a story like that, from the London Daily Telegraph.

The UK magazine Top Sante surveyed women, average age 38, and found that 80 percent think our culture of surgically-enhanced, airbrushed celebrities has made men's expectations for them too high, and reversed the trend of prizing women's intellects.  Half think they would go farther at work if they were prettier, and 46 percent would change careers if they had a better body (who knew their ideal career was working at Hooters?).  In fact, 12 percent would even change partners.  Possibly switching to a man who's less shallow, as well as younger and better-looking.

More depressing still, most of the women said they looked their best at 31, after which it was "downhill all the way."  And they are terrified of looking old: 58 percent are jealous of women their age who look younger; 42 percent are jealous of good-looking women friends; and 36 percent envy all younger women.

No wonder 60 percent of medical students are going into plastic surgery.

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On a more positive note, Britain's Advertising Standards Authority ordered alcoholic beverage makers to use uglier men in their ads.  Citing an ad in which three hot women come on to a slim, young man who's drinking Lambrini sparkling wine, the board members said it implied a link between drinking and sexual or social success (A link between drinking and sex?! Perish the thought!)

To remove this link, they suggested the handsome young man be replaced with someone "clearly unattractive... overweight, middle-aged, balding, etc."  You know, like, say...the guys on the Advertising Standards Authority board?

Of course, they are being ridiculous.  Everyone knows an unattractive, overweight bald guy with a hot woman isn't a British booze ad, it's an American sitcom.

Meanwhile, I won't hold my breath waiting for anyone to demand that beer commercials start featuring normal-looking middle-aged women.

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A plastic surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic is planning to perform the first face transplant.  She says reattachment microsurgery has progressed enough to make it possible, and they are looking for a patient with severe facial disfigurement (burns, gunshot wounds, looking over 30, etc.) who wants to get a new face transplanted from a corpse.  They just have to find someone for whom having the face of a corpse would be an improvement.

Just insert your own Michael Jackson joke here.

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Canada may be the only place left where a woman can't get a boob job.  Tiffany Freisen of Penticton, British Columbia, was thrilled to win the "Sextreme Makeover" competition at the Element Nightclub, with a first prize of free breast implants (I assume she won by coming in last in the wet T-shirt contest.)

But now the B.C. College of Physicians and Surgeons says she won't be able to find a doctor to do it, since they have strict rules against providing free plastic surgery to contest winners because the patient might not understand the risks.

Something tells me they don't understand the risks of telling Tiffany no.

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A study in Britain by Saga magazine found that grandparents are getting younger.  The average age of a first time grandparent in the UK is now just 49, and they will be grandparents for at least 35 years.

Saga editor Emma Soames said with people becoming grandparents so young, the blue-haired image is "greatly out of kilter with reality."  They put today's grandparents into five categories: Hearts of Gold, Traditionalists, Quiet Reminiscers, Racy Role Models (mostly male, they have busy social lives and like flirting, dancing and dating.  This category would include the Rolling Stones), and Adventure Seekers (mostly female, very active, love traveling...these would be the women who are dumped by Racy Role Models for girls young enough to be their granddaughters.)

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DIET CORNER!

Here's a shocker: in news hailed by both nutritionists and cows, the low-carb Atkins diet has fallen in popularity so quickly that on Sunday, Atkins Nutritionals Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, to reorganize as a smaller company.  See?  The Atkins diet can help you get leaner!

I am still trying to figure out, though, how anyone could go bankrupt telling Americans to eat more bacon.

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First, it was diet sodas with one calorie, then zero calories.  Now, Coca-Cola is planning to launch Enviga, a green tea-based carbonated drink that they claim speeds up your metabolism so you burn 50 to 100 calories just by drinking a can.  If it's like some of the teas I drink, you probably burn off the calories running to the bathroom.

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Our closing celebrity quote comes from young actress Scarlett Johansson, who said she nearly wrecked her car in L.A. after she screamed and slammed on the brakes upon seeing a gigantic billboard for "The Island."   She said her breasts were so huge on it, her cleavage was "the size of a brontosaurus."

She shouldn't feel embarrassed.  Every man who drives by there slams on the brakes, too.

With a billboard like that, I'm surprised the movie was such a flop.  Maybe if they'd advertised it as being about an island full of actual brontosauruses, it might've been a hit.
 
 

July 29, 2005

I know, I know: I owe you a backstage story about the porn star at the "Jack E. Jett Show."  I just have to plead that Pat and I have been so busy preparing for and promoting two shows and helping promote the entire Dallas Comedy Festival, that we haven't had a spare minute and we're running on no sleep.  And I have to attend an improv seminar that starts at 9 a.m.!  Apparently, the festival organizers aren't aware that a recent Harvard Medical School study proved that it is physically impossible for anyone other than morning show DJs to be funny at 9 in the morning.  Even they need help, which is why they buy the material we write for them at 3 a.m., when it is possible to be funny.

Anyway, I promise the backstage story will appear soon, along with several fun news items.  Please check back over the weekend, and I hope to have it up.  In the meantime, come out to the West End tonight and see us!  We'll be closing out the "First Date" showcase, which starts at 7 p.m. in the Lone Star Room, which is directly across the hallway from the West End Comedy Club.  There are dozens of great comics, so if you like to laugh, you need to be there!  See you tonight!  And don't forget to make your reservations for the full show at the Pocket Sandwich Theater this Wednesday!   Phone 214-821-1860.
 

July 21, 2005

A very busy time, between work, seeing a lot of theater for the Leon Rabin Awards and friends such as Tom Grounds appearing at the Festival of Independent Theater, plus promoting and preparing for two shows.  Pat and I spent last night at West End Comedy Club, helping make "protest signs" for a mock anti-comedy rally this Saturday at City Hall, to promote the upcoming Dallas Comedy Festival.  I'll be speaking briefly there, and the subject of my harangue can be guessed from a protest sign I made: "Laughter Causes Wrinkles!"

I also appeared Monday night on live national TV on the "Jack E. Jett Show" on Q Television.  That was a wild show, and I plan to sit down tomorrow and write more about the backstage experience with my fellow guests, the porn star and the transsexual rapper (both of whom were very nice, incidentally) when I have a little time.  Check back for that!  By the way, I guess I went over well since I've already been invited back.  They must've been impressed with my unflappability.

Meanwhile, let's catch up on the news...

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Nurses in Spain are demanding an apology from Dermoestetica.  The plastic surgery company, which says its goal is to make beauty affordable to all, launched its stock onto the market with an event featuring 50 mini-skirted models dressed as hot nurses with stethoscopes (even more amazing: their average age was 71).  This did not go over well with the national nursing council, which said "women dressed as objects of desire...is not the image of a person who saves lives."  They are demanding that Dermoestetica take action to "repair the honour and good image of nurses."

And Dermoestetica replied, "Okay, what'll it be: facelifts, boob jobs or Botox?"

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"Blondie" is about to celebrate her 75th year in the comic pages.  Most readers are too young to remember that when Blondie married Dagwood in 1933, she was a sexy flapper named Blondie Boopadoop, which means she must be at least 95 years old.

I want the name of her plastic surgeon!

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Apparently, Drew Barrymore is not planning to age well.  Drew announced that when her looks start to fade, she'll quit acting.  She said, "If my boobs fall down to the floor and it all starts sagging and is hideous and gross and I shouldn't be in front of a camera, I love producing and I'd love to direct."  Preferably, from behind a curtain.  Although she might return to acting if they ever do a female remake of "The Elephant Man."

I thought the best line on this came from Conan O'Brien: "This is how Michael Moore got into directing."

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Here's a new cosmetic procedure to chew over:  Manhattan dentists are doing a booming business in seling celebrity smiles.  For about $100 per tooth, they can create snap-on veneers that fit over your teeth but look exactly like the far more expensive teeth of such stars as Halle Berry, Julie Roberts (those are hard to fit in your mouth because there are 46 of them), and Tom Cruise (put those in, and you won't be able to control your mouth).  You can't eat with them, but they can give you a Hollywood smile on a date or in photos.  One Manhattan woman said she has three sets to choose from for various occasions: "Julia," "Gwyneth" and "Sarah" (Jessica Parker).  She said they're all different looks, with "Gwyneth" being the sexiest.

Maybe Gwyneth has them herself: nobody's ever seen her eat.

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Here's some interesting external reading: a column by Canadian fashion expert Jeanne Beker called "In Praise of Age," in which she explains why she doesn't want to be 17 again, or even 30.

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Let's finish off with celebrity news:

Yoko Ono announced that her new crusade is ageism.  She struck one blow by posing for a photo in hot pants (and looking hotter than she did 30 years ago).  Click here to see the photo, read Yoko's explanation for why she did it, and see the reaction from the public, some upset and some shouting hooray.  That's when you know you did the right thing: when half the people love you and the other half hate you.  If everybody hates you, you might be doing the wrong thing; and if everybody loves you, you're probably not doing anything; but if you elicit kudos and vitriol in equal measure, you're likely on the right track.

And here is another interesting interview in which Yoko talks more about ageism.  A sample...
 

    Advancing age is, she says, an issue that particularly affects women. "Because,
    you know, men, even in newscasting, the male newscaster is always like daddy,
    you know, 50 or 60 or something, and then the women have to be 18 and blonde.
    They get blonder and blonder."

    It is an issue that first struck her, curiously enough, at a dance party in New York
    when she was in her 20s. "I was dancing with some guy and we went to have
    coffee or something, and he was saying, 'Well, you know, you look alright now
    but another three or four years and you're gonna start looking old.' He was saying,
    'Well, that's what women are, they start to get old very quickly.' And there was a
    kind of myth about women, that they don't age well, and men do." The mouth
    purses defiantly. "Well, I think it's the other way round! How did we manage to
    be convinced by an idea like that?"

    With each passing decade, she says, she has been anticipating the arrival of a
    feeling of dread, but it has yet to come. "Thirty, 40, 50 ... each time I didn't have
    that 'oh-oh' feeling at all. And then suddenly 70," she says with excitement,
    "that's when I thought 'Wow!' And, you know, it was not the wow of 'oh'. It was
    like 'Wow, this is great! I survived! I'm 70 and, you know, life is beautiful or whatever.'"

    (snip)

    Ono herself hopes to live for another 30 years. "I've tonnes of things to do,"
    she says with evident glee."You know, something happened to me when I
    became 70. I started to feel a tremendous love for the human race, and life
    and this planet, the universe, the whole shebang. And whenever I'm just crossing
    the street or something in New York and just feeling the weather, I think, 'This
    feels like Paris as well!' or 'I remember when ...' I'm always in a parallel world."
    And suddenly, beneath the beetle-black shades, a broad smile spreads
    through the sharp angles of her face.
 
 
 

July 12, 2005

Vacation was nice while it lasted, but time to get back to doing a little blogging in between preparing for and promoting the upcoming appearance at the Dallas West End Comedy Festival and the full show at Pocket Sandwich Theater on Aug. 3.

And now, here's a little news you can use...

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Think a lot of people are getting plastic surgery now?  You ain't seen nothin' yet!  The London Daily Telegraph reports that in a Grazia magazine survey of 1,000 British women, average age 34, more than half said they are tempted to have cosmetic surgery, and nearly all "constantly worry about their body shape and size."  (I call these women "My Target Audience").  80 percent wish they were thinner, even though only 27 percent were overweight.  They were also asked to list the body parts they'd change, and here's how the article described their response:

"They are unhappy with their hips/thighs (81 per cent), waist (71 per cent), legs (70 per cent), breasts (66 per cent ), bottom (73 per cent), ankles (63 per cent), feet (63 per cent), arms (73 per cent), face (68 per cent), hands (62 per cent), teeth (65 per cent) and hair (50 per cent)."

What, they don't want to do anything about their hideous earlobes?  And what about those repulsive shoulder blades?!

Remember, their average age is 34.  What will this list look like when they're 44?!

Come on, ladies, you are being way too hard on yourselves!  I'll bet your husbands and boyfriends only listed your breasts.

In the same poll, the women chose Demi Moore as the celebrity who's been most improved by plastic surgery (or at least who's had the most plastic surgery), and Angelina Jolie was the celebrity whose body most women want.  And knowing Angelina, eventually they'll all have it.  The men, too.

It's obvious from this poll that most women are not only being made horribly insecure about their looks, but they've been convinced that plastic surgery can miraculously turn them into the image of pure femininity.  What the heck, it did for Michael Jackson.

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If you don't want to go under the knife to resemble your favorite star, how about going under the spray can?  The London Sun reports that Naturasun Inc. is marketing ten spray-on tanners, each of which promises to match the shade of a celebrity.  The line ranges from Chocolate, which gives you J-Lo's skin color, down to Regular Bronze, which will make you match Paris Hilton (if you want to match Paris completely, huff the fumes until you get brain damage).

A spokeswoman says if you work with a beauty consultant, you can match the shade of any celebrity.  For instance, to get the Charlize Theron Oscarcast tan, I suggest soaking in a tub full of orange Kool-Aid.  To match Michael Jackson, try three coats of whitewash.  But if you want to match George Hamilton, you'll have to ask Sherwin-Williams.

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So many senior citizens are doing exciting, unusual and age stereotype-defying things (and hooray for them!), I no longer try to chronicle them all, but here's one I have to pass along.  It's from the "What Hath Viagra Wrought" File...

Ruth Meister, 83, of Bonn, Germany, has divorced Georg Meister, 81, after 60 years of marriage, because she caught him having sex with his mistress at work.  Georg was having a quickie with a woman 30 years his junior at the animal breeding center where they do volunteer work (talk about animal husbandry!), and he forgot to close the curtains.  He's since moved in with her.  Ruth said, "It's a sad end for us, but I showed no mercy.  I just threw him out.  I see them kissing on the streets, and it is disgusting."

If she thinks that's disgusting, she'd better not walk past their bedroom window, where the curtains are most likely open.

Of course, the most amazing thing about this story is that an 83-year-old man can have a "quickie."  He must be lacing his Viagra with amphetamines.

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I always like to end with some celebrity news tidbit, but in this case, you should read the entire article.  This is about how top Hollywood actresses make a lot of movies that aren't the highest quality just to work as much as possible because they know that once they hit 40, all they'll get is roles as Lindsay Lohan's mother.  The article includes an interesting quote from Sigourney Weaver about over-Botoxification, and this scary observation from Ellen Barkin:

"My peer group was all panicked about turning 40.  But I sat with an actress friend the other day who is under 30 and who makes over $10 million a movie and is concerned about turning 30.  So now it isn't even 40 -- it's 30."

So keep cranking out movies and slather on the sunscreen, Lindsay.  By this time next year, "over the hill" in Hollywood might mean 21, the same way it does at Playboy.
 
 

July 8, 2005

Long time, no update, but we're on vacation this week, mostly working on promoting the upcoming shows and catching up on the movies we've been too busy to see in the past, oh, 14 years or so.  Although we did watch "Scarlet Street" with Edward G. Robinson the other night, and we've managed to miss that great one since it first came out in 1945.  I should point out here that 1945 was way, way, way, way, way, way, way before my time.

It was really thrilling to be chosen as one of the showcase performers for the first Dallas West End Comedy Festival.  This is a big deal, with national performers coming into town for three days of seminars and performances.  We'll be doing a 12-minute excerpt from our show as part of the "First Date" showcase (comedy that's suitable for mixed company) on Fri. July 29, at 7 p.m. in the Lone Star Room.  And shortly afterward, on Wed. Aug. 3, the full show returns to the Pocket Sandwich Theater, so please help spread the word, tell the kids and wake the neighbors, and come out and see us!

I hope you had a great Fourth of July, and of course, we send our condolences and prayers to the victims of the terrorist bombings in London.  I'm glad we're not writing comedy today.  I'm not in the mood.  But I do have something for you that was written a few days ago and I'm just getting around to posting it, so maybe it will help lighten your mood a little.  It's good news from the age front.  At least, I guess it is, sort of...

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Two researchers at the University of New York in Stony Brook and the Vienna Institute of Demography have a new concept of age that explains why people today seem younger than their parents did at the same age (and surprisingly, it's not all the plastic surgery).  They say because of improved health care and affluence, we're living longer, so instead of measuring our age by how long we've already lived, we should tell our age by how long we have left before we die.  See, depending on your viewpoint, that could be either really good news or really depressing.

For instance, according to their stats, the average German today is about 40 and will live another 39 years.  But by 2050, the average German's age likely will be 52, and they'll live 37 years beyond that.  So today, middle age starts at 40, but by 2050, people won't reach middle age until they're 52 (even though they'll die at 89 and not 104, so the math seems off.)  But just like today, they won't admit they're middle-aged until they're 70, which I heartily endorse.

Better yet, forget all those meaningless and confusing numbers and adopt my concept of how to tell your age: Just don't.
 
 

June 28, 2005

Again, sorry for the irregularity of blogging, but it's that very weird combination of the dog days of summer making me feel like doing nothing, while at the same time having too many other things I have to get done.  Is there anything worse than feeling lazy and overworked simultaneously?

I'm preparing for the Women's Festival next Saturday and working on a fun little freebie to give away, so I hope you'll come see me.  I may also have some other exciting show-related news to announce very soon, so keep your fingers crossed.

And now, let's catch up on some news...

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Last Friday, a newly-discovered poem by Sappho (not the lesbian sister of the Marx Brothers, but the greatest female poet of ancient Greece) was published.  Sappho is famous for her love poems to her female companions on the Isle of Lesbos.  The poem was found on a papyrus wrapped around an Egyptian mummy, or possibly just a woman who was recuperating from a facelift.  It's hard to tell the difference.

Showing that remarkably little has changed in 2,600 years, the poem was about watching a beautiful young dancing girl who makes the poet feel old and lament her weak knees and gray hair.  She was probably 23 at the time.  We can only imagine how rotten she'd feel if she were still around today and knew that she was considered an antiquity.

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If you're a blushing Southern belle, you might want to skip this one:

Newsweek reports that men's underwear makers are borrowing designs from the Wonderbra to make briefs with enhancing front pouches that give men a boost in...er... "confidence!"  Volunteers tested them, with mixed results.  One pair was described as "like wearing your mother's underwear" (if mom was a transsexual) and prone to cause wedgies.  Another was so tight, the man couldn't wear them for more than an hour.  A third had a sling sewn into the pouch for a bra-like "lift and separate" effect which the tester found "damn sexy," but so complicated, he needed directions to put them on (that's right: men won't ask directions when they're lost on the highway, but they'd request directions on how to put on their pouch-enhancing underwear).  The top-rated pair, DSquared, were "fairly comfortable" and "filled me out more," so said the testers (or testees), but they cost $79 at Sak's Fifth Avenue.  Heck, you can buy a cucumber at Minyards for 39 cents.

I'll let you in on a secret, guys: just spread the word that you shop at Sak's Fifth Avenue, and you'll probably attract women who won't even care how big your "bulge" is.
 

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Here's the latest news from our "Surgically-Enhanced Buttocks Wire"...

Ileana Valdez of Quincy, Massachusetts, was stopped at Logan Airport because she was carrying $46,950 in cash in her bra.  She said she was going to Texas to get plastic surgery on her buttocks and breasts, and that a DEA agent seized the booty (her money, I mean) and told her that her buttocks didn't look like she needed an operation (I'll bet he also thought she didn't need breast implants, what with all that cash stuffed in her bra).  He then asked her to take off her clothes and show him her rear.  As flattering as it must've been to hear that her butt didn't require surgical enhancement and that a man really wanted to see it, she refused, but she did allow a female agent to examine her.

The DEA questoned her story and refused to return her money.  She's filed a legal claim, saying it's money from her business and she has no connection with drugs.  I hope she gets her money back, but let this be a lesson to us all: never hire a plastic surgeon who charges $47,000, cash only, in advance.

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In other butt implant news, Miss World, Maria Julia Mantilla of Peru, may sue plastic surgeon Dr. Cesar Morillas for allegedly using her for publicity by claiming he "created" her.  She said he's using altered photos to convince people he trimmed her ears and gave her butt implants.  Mantilla told RPP Radio, "I'm not the creation of a surgeon.  He just did my breasts and nose."

"...27 times."

No, I'm just kidding.  Having nothing but a nose job and breast implants qualifies any modern beauty pageant contestant as 100 percent natural.
 
 
 
 

June 22, 2005

Big news from the plastic surgery front, which in one way, at least, is a smaller front than it used to be.

The Harley Medical Group, which operates a chain of plastic surgery clinics in the UK, reports a deflationary trend in breast implants.  You don't need to be Alan Greenspan to know that this is a leading indicator of a looming depression among men.

Ten years ago, during Pam Anderson's reign on "Baywatch," 60 percent of breast implant patients wanted to go up three or more cup sizes.  Now, two-thirds go up just two cup sizes, and 11 percent go up just one cup.  Hardly seems worth the trouble.  If that's all you want, you could just buy a Wonderbra and save yourself a lot of pain and money.

To prove this is a trend, even Pam Anderson got smaller implants, saying that she decided she looked like a cartoon.  Nah, not even comic book artists draw 'em that  big.  But she probably was tired of toppling over.  And of wearing the truss.  The good news for Pam's male fans is that when Pam came down two cup sizes, she was still three cup sizes bigger than most women who came up four cup sizes.  Trust me, her new sitcom is not called "Stacked" because it's set in a bookstore.

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It is worth noting, however, that the smaller implant trend story is from England.  I live in Dallas, and frankly, I haven't noticed it around here.  The New York Times also took note of that, with this interesting article.

They report that in places such as California, Florida and Texas, many wealthy women who already have the best (i.e., "biggest") boobs money can buy are complaining that most designer clothes only look good on flat-chested women (now, why would most fashion designers think flat chests are sexy?  Hmmmm...)  One Dallas boutique owner said "breast enlargements and designer dresses do not go together," and many of his customers are butchering expensive dresses to try and get them to fit.  It would actually be cheaper to buy smaller breasts, but Dallas gals need big breasts to balance out their big hair.

This whole problem really just stems from a misunderstanding.  These women are under the misapprehension that Texas men want their women with big, fake breasts to wear clothes.

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Finally, another of those celebrity stories  I hate, where they make a big deal out of the woman's age.

This one is about Jane Seymour, who is about to do her first topless scene, being groped by Owen Wilson in the upcoming comedy, "The Wedding Crashers."   By the way, I am informed by my movie buff husband, who seems to know a little too much about this particular subject, that Jane actually doffed her clothes in several earlier movies plus a fairly discreet long-ago Playboy spread, but I don't care about that.  Her conveniently-forgotten on-screen nudity means nothing to me: what riles me up about this story is the way it is written.  I quote:

"She was a glamour girl in a Bond movie and the maverick Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman, renowned for her ladylike image on screen.
Now, at the ripe old age of 54, actor Jane Seymour dared to go topless on screen for the first time."

Memo to the London Daily Telegraph: 54 is not "old age."  Although when you look like Jane Seymour at 54, you can fairly be described as "ripe."  If you think 54 is too old to look sexy in a nude scene, go ask Owen Wilson how much he suffered during the filming of it.
 
 
 

June 20, 2005

Sorry to be so long without an update, but I've been very busy with everything from working on the new show demo to hosting a big dinner party Saturday night.  I'll also be appearing at the Women's Festival, Saturday July 2 at Reverchon Park in Dallas.  There will be lots of fun things there, including contests, a 5K run, all sorts of vendors, a volleyball tournament, entertainment, and a fashion consultant advising on makeovers. Click here to learn more.  We'll even have a table there to promote the show and website, so drop by to say hi!

We did post some new photos here, including a couple of me with "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" dreamboat Kyan Douglas and the wonderful cabaret performer and friend, Tom Grounds.  I also have a ton of stories about age and beauty to catch up on, so check back soon!   In the meantime, here is an very valuable tip:

A study by the Smell and Taste Institute of Chicago found that if a woman wants men to think she's younger, she should smell like grapefruit.  Dr. Alan Hirsch wanted to see what makes a woman smell young (but not too young -- you don't want to smell like lollipops, unless you want to attract Tom Cruise, and that's a less pleasant thought than it used to be).  So he smeared middle-aged women with banana, broccoli, spearmint and lavender, all the while denying that this study was just a front for his fetish for smearing food on women.

The results: none of those scents had any effect on male perceptions, but when the women smelled of grapefruit, men estimated their ages at about six years younger than they really were.  Possibly, the acid just tightened their skin.  Unfortunately, this still wasn't enough for the men to date them.

I'll bet the biggest losers of all were the middle-aged women who were smeared with broccoli.  They might attract rabbits, but that's about it.

By the way, when men were smeared with grapefruit, it had no effect on women.  Other than making the women want to lick their handkerchiefs and wipe it off their faces.  If men want to attract women, try smelling like really good chocolate.
 
 

June 13, 2005

We're still very busy with working on a new demo, preparing for an appearance at the Women's Expo coming up July 2, getting ready for a big dinner party we have to host next week, and catching up on shows we had to see as Rabin judges, so sorry that these dispatches are coming slowly.  There will be more very soon, I promise, but for now, here's a link to an amusing column about plastic surgery by Cindy Adams.  When she goes into a list of all the names of anti-aging products, I'd swear she's heard my song, "These Are The Very Promise of a Youth That is Ephemeral."
 
 

June 8, 2005

Many thanks to our friends Juanita Brown and Joann Holt for getting us in to see the opening night of "The Producers" at the Dallas Music Hall.  We've been waiting two years to see that show, and it was worth the wait!  You must get out to see it, either in Dallas or at its next stop in Ft. Worth!  Pat and I have seen a lot of musical theater in our lives, and there may be shows with greater music or more moving characters, but we have never seen a show that was that funny and that entertaining.  Your face will ache from laughing!  It is as great as the critics said, maybe even more so, and the national touring company is top notch!  It was also a great night because we got to meet longtime Metroplex entertainment reporter/critic Bobby Wygant at the cast party.  We've both admired her for so long, and it was a real thrill to get to talk to her.

Well, back to business: there's lots of news piling up about age and beauty, so let's plow through some of it...

When I first started doing "My Ship Has Sailed," it included a bit about all the horrible things Chinese people do to be taller, the same way Westerners have surgery to be more beautiful.  This bit was accurate, pointed and had some really evocative sound effects, but it made the audience a little sick, so I dropped it.  If you want to know about these practices, though, you can check out this link.  Warning: not for the squeamish.

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Here's some good news: if you're always forgetting little things, like where you put your car keys, or your car, Washington University Prof. Mark McDaniel, author of "Memory Fitness: A Guide for Successful Aging," says not to panic.  When people start having memory lapses, they worry that they're going senile, but more likely they're just losing their ability to pay attention.  He said there are so many things competing for our attention today that it's natural that by the time you're 50, your brain gets overloaded with information and slows down like a computer with a full memory.

Yeah, that's why we can't remember anything: our brains are just too full!   By the time we're 50, everything we learned in college has been deleted to make room for the lyrics to "American Pie."

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The good news just keeps on comin': McMasters University in Ontario found that six minutes of intense exercise a week improves fitness as much as a six-hour workout.  One group of test subjects used a stationary bike moderately for two hours, another rode harder for 10 minutes in one-minute sessions, and a third group biked intensely for two minutes in 30-second bursts.  This was repeated three times a week.  After two weeks, the health improvements to all three groups were the same.

A spokesman said if people can stand 30 seconds of intense exercise at a time, then they can't use the "I don't have time to exercise" excuse.  Unless they can't find 30 seconds when they don't have food in their hands.

My question:  How about if I pedal the bike really, really, really intensely for five seconds?

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Here's yet another reason why you should come see my show:  it turns out you actually can laugh your ass off!  A study by Vanderbilt University in Nashville found that laughing can help you lose weight.  Volunteers were shown clips from comedy films, and researchers found that 10 to 15 minutes of unforced laughter burned off enough calories to offset a medium-sized square of chocolate.  Better yet, watch a Farrelly Brothers comedy and lose your appetite entirely.

No wonder Americans are so fat: the sitcoms just aren't funny enough.

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Northwestern University is testing a "stomach pacemaker": a device implanted in the stomach of obese people which regularly emits a mild electrical pulse that supposedly curbs hunger.  If you can't afford that, just hook up some electrical wires to the door handle of your refrigerator.

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I'll wrap up the weight stories with a celebrity version:  Renee Zellweger is putting on weight again, but not for another "Bridget Jones" sequel.  Heat magazine reports that her new husband, country singer Kenny Chesny, is a Southern boy who likes women with a little meat on their bones.  So as a belated wedding gift to him, the wafer-thin Renee is eating chocolate cheesecake and other goodies with a goal of putting on five pounds.  That will bring her weight up to...five pounds.

Most of us can look at chocolate cheesecake and put on five pounds.  I'm just surprised Renee doesn't put on five pounds the way most movie actresses do: get breast implants.

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Our obsession with youth is now affecting our view of doctors, just about the last group of people who used to get more respect with age.  Traditionally, the image of the perfect family doctor has been the old, white, male "Marcus Welby" type.  But a survey of British medical patients found they were now perceived as among the least expert doctors, while the most sought-after doctors today are young, white or Asian women.  Translation: people now watch "Gray's Anatomy."

Frankly, I'd think that In Britain, the ideal doctor is any doctor who'll give you an appointment before 1997.

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The director of the new kids' movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded" denied a report that Disney got complaints from parents that Lindsay Lohan's curves were too sexy so they hired computer techies to digitally reduce her breasts by two cup sizes.  This is the exact opposite of what they do when they retouch photos for the Internet.

I hear what they are really doing is renaming the movie "Lindsay: Fully Loaded" and marketing it to dads.

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Police in Lindenwold, New Jersey, were stunned when they raided the apartment of the alleged madam of a prostitution ring and found it was run by an 80-year-old woman who uses an oxygen tank to breathe.  Her sideline was a sex chat line that specialized in heavy breathing.

At least it's nice to hear that some people don't feel pressured to retire at 65, when they're at the peak of their abilities.

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Let's close out with a celebrity plastic surgery story.  This one is highly unusual because it's about a celebrity not getting plastic surgery.

Britain's Daily Mail newspaper apologized to Michael Caine after they erroneously reported several times that he'd had a facelift, and he took legal action.  In its apology, the paper said, "Sir Michael Caine has never had any plastic surgery."  To erase any doubt, they printed his photo.

The paper also paid his legal fees and made a donation to charity.  The charity: "The International Fund to Buy Michael Caine a Facelift."
 
 

June 5, 2005

More news will be added tomorrow, but I had to share a celebrity quote, from the continuing feud between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields.  It was started by Tom (who, when he isn't announcing his love for Katie Holmes in the same manner that most of us would announce that our hair is on fire, goes around denouncing psychology and drugs that treat mental problems, due to his deep immersion in Scientology).  He slammed Brooke for using medication to deal with crippling post-partum depression.  She replied that he should stick to battling aliens and stop telling women how to treat their medical problems.

Here's the latest: Brooke is starring in the London stage production of Chicago, and she told reporters...

"If (Tom Cruise)  wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one adult, one child."

I'm assuming she meant Katie is the child, but with Tom's recent behavior, it's hard to tell.
 
 

June 4, 2005

I'm sure you heard last week about the death of Frank Gorshin.  Pat and I were shocked to hear it, since we were both big fans and we finally got to meet him last year on my birthday.  We saw his brilliant performance in "Say Goodnight, Gracie," and he seemed very robust and energetic, even immediately after doing a two-hour solo show.  A friend of ours in PR arranged for us to meet him and his wife backstage, and they were both the epitome of graciousness.  Mr. Gorshin gave Pat an autographed photo that's now framed in his office, and his wife took a snapshot for us that's posted on this page.  He was a phenomenal talent with an amazing career that stretched over more than five decades, still doing new things in his 70s, such as earning a Tony nomination for a one-man show about George Burns, an impression he'd never done before!

He should be an inspiration to us all.  Pat and I send our sincere condolences to his wife and family.

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Did you catch the report on ABC's "Primetime Live" about Protandim, the supplement that supposedly reverses the signs of aging on a cellular level?  While nothing's been proven, theoretically, it could help you live to 130 by keeping you young inside, although it doesn't make you look younger.  I know what you're thinking: "Who needs that?!  That just gives me four extra decades of looking old!"  Yes, but if you live to the year 2075, imagine the advances in plastic surgery you'll see!

Here's a more skeptical take on Protandim, in which the author warns that it will not turn us into "immortal supermodels."  Which is a shame, because modern society is working so hard to turn us all into a race of immortal supermodels.  Wouldn't that be cool?  Never again would we have to worry about famines because we'd all live forever and none of us would eat.

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According to Rutgers anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, author of "Why We Love,"  someone who has a vastly more attractive partner has a 50 percent chance of being dumped.  Fisher told the New York Post that surveys show over 50 percent of people admit to trying to poach someone else's mate, or allowing themselves to be poached.  So the only unattractive person with a younger, hotter mate who never gets dumped is Donald Trump.

Fisher claims "mate-poaching" is Darwinian, and that women think gorgeous males are a good catch (if they think that, they're so dumb, they should be dumped and get out of the gene pool).  However, she says these women spend all their time and energy trying to keep the gorgeous male and would be better off setting their sights lower.   The ultimate example: Jennifer Aniston is very pretty, but she actually managed to find a man who was even prettier, and along comes the gorgeous Angelina Jolie.  Of course, Jen's revenge is that in a few years, Brad will be "ruggedly handsome" and Jolie will be "over the hill," and he'll dump her.  Probably for the daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.

The moral of this story: women have to kiss a lot of princes before they find their toad.

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Speaking of handsome princes that a sane woman would be better off without, Hollywood is buzzing that Tom Cruise may be ruining his career with his wackball behavior.  The New York Times' Sharon Waxman reports that studios are hesitant to put up $150 million for "Mission Impossible 3" when the new impossible mission is to stop Tom from running around like a chimp with a hotfoot, promoting Scientology, attacking psychology and prescription medication for mental problems, and screaming his love for Katie Holmes, who is 16 years younger than Tom but looks 16, period.  Tom's over-the-top ardour brings up disturbing memories of Jerry Lee Lewis singing "Great Balls of Fire" to his 13-year-old cousin/wife.

Many women told USA Today's Whitney Matheson that he'd turned them off forever by apparently scaring their idol, Oprah, with his physically-aggressive behavior (don't worry, ladies: if push came to shove, I bet Oprah could kick his butt).  And his unprovoked attack on Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants prompted her to tell People magazine, "Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens, and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them."  (If she weren't on medication, that quote would be, "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!") Ironically, it is Tom who is fast becoming the world's best argument for Lithium.

Having alienated women in general, and women celebrities in particular, Tom may soon have no fans left except other middle-aged male movie stars.  And if he makes the public finally get sick of seeing middle-aged male movie stars panting over women young enough to be their daughters, they'll kick his butt harder than Oprah could.

By they way, know who seems really calm and at peace these days?  Nicole Kidman.
 
 

June 2, 2005

I think I've found a prison Michael Jackson can survive.  It's Peterborough Prison in England, where the managers practice a "holistic" approach to cure inmates of their anti-social behaviors and help ease the stress of prison life (you know, the stress of not working, lifting weights, watching TV, living off the taxpayers, etc.)

Toward that end, the prison is advertising for part time holistic therapists to supply male and female inmates with "reflexology, aromatherapy, acupuncture, Indian head massage, reiki and shiatsu, alongside general relaxation and other health promotion groups."  When prosecutors said, "Give them the chair!," the prison wardens must've thought they meant the vibrating massage chair.

The ad sparked howls from critics, who said it sounds like taxpayers who can't afford a spa vacation are paying for criminals to enjoy one (I know I'd have to rob a bank to get services like that -- nice to know I'd get them whether I was caught or not).  They said convicts should be given help only with basic things, like how to read and write.  And if they want aromatherapy, make do with all the evocative aromas already available in prison.

Here's my idea for a compromise: let them have the acupuncture, but only if it's administered by their victims.

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Speaking of unusual health and beauty treatments in unlikely settings, the Starkenber Beer Myth Resort in Austria's Tyrol region has filled seven swimming pools with beer.  This could replace Ft. Lauderdale as the Spring Break capital of the world.  They claim swimming in beer is good for the complexion and for healing various skin diseases.  Some guests have admitted to drinking it while swimming, but the manager said he prefers just swimming in the pool beer and getting beer to drink from the poolside bars.  Especially since they started attracting people with skin diseases.

I'm with him: my #1 summer rule is "Never drink amber-colored pool water."

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Wednesday in London, Percy Arrowsmith, 105, and his wife Florence, 100, celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary.  They hold the Guinness world record for longest marriage and oldest married couple's combined age.  Asked for their longevity secrets, Florence said she likes sherry at lunch and whisky at night.  As for the secret to marriage, she said they still love each other, plus they never go to bed angry.  Percy added that his secret to marital success was just two words: "Yes, dear."

He's said them 14 million times.

By the way, her secret for a happy marriage is four words: "Pour me another one!"  To which he replies, "Yes, dear."  And that's why they never go to bed angry.

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The upscale British fashion magazine Harpers & Queens asked 1,000 beauty experts from fashion, arts, the media and plastic surgery to choose the 100 most beautiful women in the world, and they claim that blondes are out.  Editor Lucy Yeomans said it shows a shift away from the traditional, deified blonde to women "with a more unusual beauty."  The top five were all brunettes, with Angelina Jolie at #1, followed by Christy Turlington, Queen Rania of Jordan, director Sofia Coppola and chef Nigella Lawson.

Plastic surgeons chose Sofia Coppola as the most potentially beautiful.

I have a feeling if they'd asked regular guys to choose the women, the results would've been different.  For one thing, Sofia's place would've been taken by the Levitra Girl.

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Finally, as Norm MacDonald says, here's another groundbreaking report from the journal "Duh":

In a year-long study, Kansas State University masters student Courtney Fea found that compliments make women feel better (I guess there are some men for whom this will actually be news).  It took only one compliment a day to improve test subjects' moods and their attitudes about their looks and body images, and it didn't matter if the compliments were about their bodies or their personalities.

So if you want to compliment a woman, don't mention her body.  Just say she has a "great personality."

Let me know how that works out for you.  I'm doing a study.
 
 
 

May 30, 2005

Once again, sorry for such long delays in posting recently, but we've been very busy with behind-the-scenes stuff on the show, plus spring cleaning and some bird issues.  Perhaps I should explain for latecomers that when I'm not singing, acting or writing comedy, I'm taking care of (currently) 13 pet birds, mostly homeless and handicapped parrots of all sizes and types who needed homes and ended up in ours.  I have written a column ("Welcome to the Bird House") about them for years for Companion Parrot Quarterly magazine, and here's a link to a story with photos from several years ago, before I started doing My Ship Has Sailed.

Speaking of parrots, we just saw the best movie we've seen all year: "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill."  You don't have to be a parrot lover to be moved by this beautifully-made documentary.  In fact, the fate of Connor, the brave, lonely little blue crown conure, packs a more devastating emotional punch that all three of the last "Star Wars" movies put together.  I can't even write about it without crying, so I'll just urge you to go now and see this film on the big screen.  Don't wait for the little TV screen for this one!  If you don't believe me, visit RottenTomatoes.com, where the major critics' reviews  are 100% raves!

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Turning to the news, a 10-year-old boy in Frosinone, Italy, was put on a diet after the family doctor told his parents he needed to lose weight.  So they were baffled when he kept putting on weight.  They finally discovered the reason: he'd been stealing the dog's dinner.  His dad told local media they'd noticed the dog was looking thinner, but didn't put it together until the dog bit the boy on the rear to keep him away from the dog dish.  Or possibly because his rear looked so succulent, and the dog was so hungry...

The good news is, the kid didn't retaliate by eating the dog.  And he is losing weight now: his parents put him on Cycle 4.

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"A Hard Man Is Good To Find" Dept:   Dr. Stephen Lamm of Manhattan has written a new book, "The Hardness Factor," in which he tells aging men ways to enhance their virility other than Viagra.  He suggests that men who want to boost their sexual stamina exercise, avoid stress, get enough sleep, don't smoke or overeat, take the supplements L-arginine and horny goat weed (it turns you into a horny old goat), and don't name their manhood, because you should see it as an extension of yourself, not a separate entity (and if you must name it, don't name it "Pee Wee").  He also recommends a number of foods, including chocolate, chili peppers, figs, caviar, oysters, asparagus, nuts (two very large nuts), bananas, carrots and cucumbers.

One problem: with all those bananas, carrots and cucumbers in the house, why would your wife need you?

If you want to know more about this this, for whatever personal reason it's not necessary to share with me, here's a story about the do's and don'ts of the "Hardness" regimen and another one about the diet.  It includes lots of salmon, so I guess I never have to worry about erectile dysfunction.

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Speaking of that subject, here is an interesting column about Marie Silvia, the actress who appeared in that Livitra ad, wearing a man's white dress shirt and talking about how "my man" uses Levitra.  It seems that she has become a big sex symbol to a lot of male TV viewers.  My personal view (and this is backed up by what several men have told me) is that men find it very sexy when a woman actually seems to like men, and she conveys a very natural and realistic attraction to her unseen husband.   The reason I talk about this here is because the article makes it clear she's in her mid-40s, yet there seem to be a lot of men panting over her who just yawn in the general direction of Paris Hilton and other vapid young alleged sex symbols.  So score a victory for the sexual attractiveness of mature women!

P.S. -- The article notes that despite her raging popularity, the makers of Levitra have already dumped her.  They probably found out her age and decided to replace her with a 20-year-old supermodel.

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As anybody who's seen Ryan Seacrest could tell you, looks obsession is not just for girls anymore.  A survey of 2,000 British boys, average age 15, by Sneak magazine found that 80 percent are unhappy with their looks.  Cowed by the hunky male models in magazines and TV, more than half of boys think they aren't attractive to girls, a third think they need to lose weight, 62 percent don't like their faces, and 68 percent don't like their teeth (although being British, maybe they're just being realistic.  Sorry, I can't resist a good British "bad teeth" joke).  One-quarter think they might get plastic surgery (and at the rate TV shows are dishing it out, they all just might).  The average teenage boy spends 65 minutes getting ready to go out, 90 percent use hairstyling products, 50 percent have tried moisturizer, 17 percent have used fake tanning lotions, and they look in the mirror 10 times a day.

For 2.4 hours each time.  But then, they have to make sure their eyeliner isn't smeared.

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Finally, if you just want more to read, here's a good story about the connection between diet and aging.  It's basic info for us Perricone cultists, but if you aren't as well-versed on the subject as you should be, it's a good primer that might be worth saving.

Oh well, back to work!  I'll try to post more stuff soon, or at least sooner than last time.  Have a great Memorial Day, and a huge thank you, kiss and salute to everyone who's served in the military, now or in the past!  The flag is flying at our house today for you!

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If you'd like to share a news story or your own thoughts and observations about the pressure society puts on us all to "keep young and beautiful"or else, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com.

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