June 27, 2004

Pat and I just had a meeting with Teena, the manager of Django, and finally got some things settled about the July 18 TV taping.  The footage will be used for a special that will be running on DCTV/Comcast Cable.  We will perform the full show (albeit with camera people running around in the audience, and we might have to stop and redo a few things...such is TV).  It will be open to the public, with a $10 cover charge, but no buffet this time.  However, the bar and kitchen will both be open, so you can order food and adult beverages.  Just don't get too sloshed because audience reaction will be taped, and I'd prefer it if your reaction were not barfing.  You'll probably want to dress up a little, too, and use your Perricone anti-wrinkle cream, since you might end up on TV yourself.

There will be a lot of invited guests for this, and general seating will be limited, so if you want reservations, you'll have to call in quickly to 214-370-9917 and get on the list.  I will also be giving away some free tickets as a thank-you to supporters who've asked to be on my free, no-spam newsletter list.  If you want a chance at those, you'll need to drop me a line right away to subscribe at laura@lauraainsworth.com

We've also scheduled a regular Sunday buffet dinner show (with no TV cameras, unless you sneak them in yourself) on Sunday, Aug. 15, so wake the neighbors and mark your calendars!

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And now, a totally unrelated news story that I can't get over with a step ladder...

The California legislature is considering a controversial bill that would allow dental surgeons to perform any type of facial plastic surgery, including nose jobs, face lifts and eye tucks.  Plastic surgeons are fighting the bill, saying that dentists aren't qualified for this type of surgery and are only doing it for the money (unlike Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, who do it to beautify America.)   But oral surgeons reply that they have years of training in operating rooms and often perform plastic surgery in emergency rooms (How big a plastic surgery emergency would it have to be before I'd say, "Oh, what the heck, just let the dentist do it!")

I had no idea dentists were doing so much plastic surgery in California, until I realized they were probably doing all of Michael Jackson's work.
 
 

June 24, 2004

Sorry these entries have been coming slowly recently, but I've been very busy working on the upcoming TV taping (which now looks locked down for July 18 at Django.)  In the meantime, here are a few interesting news items to mull over...

There may soon be a new diet for "Extreme Makeover" participants: Las Ultimas Noticias reports that Aguaje, a yellow-and-brown, egg-sized tropical fruit from the Amazon jungle, has become popular with women in Peru who say it's filled with hormones and is not only an aphrodisiac, but eating it for a few months helps them develop voluptuous curves (apparently, it's even better than taking two cantaloupes and putting them in your bra).  One model said if she doesn't eat Aguaje, she has to go to the gym, and "I could eat 25 a day."   (25 a day?!  If she stopped, she'd have to go to the Dow silicone factory!)

Sounds as if in Peru, all the women eat Aguaje and all the men have bananas in their pockets.  Oh well, at least maybe this will finally make Americans care if they cut down the Amazon rain forest!

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Mary-Kate Olsen has entered a treatment facility for an "eating-related" issue.  Reliable sources say it's anorexia.  Guess she thought she was too fat to be a movie actress, when in reality, she's just too old.  All joking aside, I wish her a full recovery, of course; but it is worth noting that only in our looks-obsessed society could a teenage girl have a billion dollars and the ability to get a table in any  restaurant and still manage to starve to death.

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A new era in space travel dawned Monday in the Mojave Desert as the first "people's astronaut," civilian pilot Mike Melvill successfully flew the first privately-built aircraft into suborbital space.  The reason I'm mentioning this is that Mr. Melvill is 63 years old, which means that while he's still sharp enough to pilot an experiment craft on a death-defying ride into space and back safely, he could not get a job as a commercial airline pilot because he's beyond the mandatory retirement age.

He and designer Burt Rutan appeared on "The Tonight Show" this week, and Jay Leno asked Rutan why he picked a 63-year-old pilot for such a difficult, dangerous and historic flight.  Rutan said it was because he was the best-qualified person he could possibly imagine getting.  Wow, there's a novelty!  He didn't even stop to consider whether his wrinkles might impact sales of souvenir T-shirts to teenagers!

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Our final news item is from the beauty front:  According to a survey by Wilkinson razors, British women are the least hairy in Europe, while German women are the hairiest.  More than 93 percent of British women say they shave before wearing skirts and shorts for the summer, compared with just 40 percent of German women.  French and Italian women were in the middle, but more shaved than not (unless you count underarms; then all bets are off.)

Funny, you'd think the "hairiest woman" competition would be the one arena in which France could beat Germany.  (My husband wrote that joke, so send your hate mail in French to him.)
 
 
 

June 17, 2004

We're very busy preparing for the TV shoot coming up at Django.  If you'd like a chance to be in the audience and maybe get on TV yourself, some free tickets will be available to my newsletter subscribers.  Just drop me an email to get on the list.

Tonight, Pat and I went to the Palm restaurant in the West End for a Dallas Press Club party to celebrate last month's Gridiron Show.  It was fun seeing everyone again (plus getting free wine and shrimp).  We won three Lucifer Awards, which are tongue-in-cheek trophies for the "thespians" in the show.  Joycelyn White presented me with the "Best Female Singer" trophy, which was one of the more meaningful awards (Pat put that one on the mantle when we got home).  Legendary local satirist and singer/songwriter Lu Mitchell was there as well, and it was great to see her again.  She came to my last show at Django, and she'll be appearing next Wednesday, June 23, at the Pocket Sandwich Theater on Mockingbird.  You should definitely check her out.

And now, on to the age and beauty news...
 

Procter & Gamble just released data on a promising new testosterone patch to treat sexual dysfunction in menopausal and post-menopausal women.  They say that in a test of 533 menopausal women, those using the Intrinsa patch reported a 51 percent increase in frequency of "satisfying sexual activity," and a 49 percent increase in sexual desire.  (What an odd number...Did it feel like only 48 percent at first, but inch up to 49 percent after foreplay?)  Anyway, between this and Viagra, everyone will want to retire at 50 just so they can have constant sex.

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George Bush may have skydived at 80, but Frank Moody of Holloways Beach, Australia, has him beat.  Moody is claiming a new world record for world's oldest skydiver, after he made the leap at age 101.  He jumped from 9,900 feet in tandem with an experienced diver (it wasn't George Bush, was it?)  His friends at a local football club said Moody is very "switched on, witty and charming," and they arranged the dive after he said he wanted to go for the record.  One called it "a bit of a drunken dare" and said she nearly fell off her chair when he agreed to it.  Something tells me he and his drinking buddies fall off their chairs a lot.

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A study by Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis found that liposuction does nothing to lower the health risks of obesity.  (I'll take a slight pause while fans of plastic surgery say, "So what?")   Unlike weight loss through diet and exercise, liposuction did nothing to change cholesterol levels, blood pressure or insulin sensitivity involved in diabetes.  It doesn't lower your cholesterol count, just your bank account.  A researcher said that the surgical sucking of fat from the abdomen might make you look better, but it won't make you any healthier.

Boy, that sucks.  Oh well, at least you'll look healthier, and that's what really matters.
 
 
 

June 14, 2004

Sorry it's been so long since the last update, but my husband Pat, who is the webmaster for this site, was stuck on jury duty for a week and between the trial and the Comedy Wire, he had only about two hours sleep a night and no free time.  But that's all past us, thank goodness, so let's catch up on last week's news about aging and beauty...

A Harvard Medical School study in the journal Nature suggests that the brain really does start aging at 40.  They studied people age 26 to 106 and found a set of genes in the brain that play key roles in many cell functions such as learning and memory.  The genes show reduced activity after 40, and the brain starts slowing down.  But they admit that signs of "old age" vary widely among individuals, and "one of the major conundrums of biology" is when aging begins and what triggers its onset.  This is especially confusing to scientists over 40.  Personally, I suspect that what triggers the onset of old age is the moment when your own kids become teenagers.

A separate study on aging and the brain by York University in Toronto found that people who've been bilingual from an early age suffer less mental decline from aging than people who speak only one language.  They can forget an entire language and still be on par with everyone else.

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The producers of ABC's "Extreme Makeover" are being sued for $10 million by a Los Angeles woman who claims it was her idea (that's right, she actually wants the blame for this trend).  She says she pitched the concept to them first and they rejected it, then stole it.  (But then, they changed everything about it.)  And they had such honest faces!

I don't see how she's going to prove her claim.   The idea of getting excessive plastic surgery could have come from any woman in Los Angeles.

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The Wireless Flash reports that Dr. Anthony Griffin, who made quite the name for himself by performing the first Brazilian Butt Lift on "Extreme Makeover," has created a new plastic surgery procedure for men: the Six-Pack Tummy Tuck.  Regular tucks pull the skin down like a roller shade, but after sucking out the fat, Griffin rolls the skin up on the sides like a fitted shirt and sews the abdominal muscles together to bring them forward like a pumped-up six pack.  He says it looks like you've done 1,000 sit-ups (you could just do 1,000 sit-ups, but let's not go overboard).  But it's mostly requested by women who've had children, not by men, possibly because it costs up to $15,000 (and men know how many real six-packs they could buy for that).

One word of caution: if a woman has this done, she'd better not get pregnant again.

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Here's a story very close to my heart:  Alex Kingston, who has played surgeon Elizabeth Corday on "ER" for seven years, said the producers told her she's being written out because she's too old.  She's a creaky and decrepit 41, and the producers want to focus on the cast members in their 20s.  Kingston said it's fine to bring in young people to keep the show fresh, but they need authority figures, too, and she felt like part of the geriatric "old fogeys who are no longer interesting."  She also noted that new, young cast members aren't paid as much, which may be a factor (the younger cast members were hired away from Burger King for minimum wage).  Kingston said she doesn't know how she'll be written out.  Although I suspect they'll have her fall and break a hip.  Or possibly go in for a facelift and die on the operating table.

What's next?  Will NBC replace the cast of "Law & Order" with the Rug Rats?  Better shut up before I give them ideas...

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And finally, let's close out with a celebrity quote:

June 3, 2004

Have you seen the new commercial for Botox?  It shows a bridal bouquet being tossed and caught, as the female announcer says, "Can you think of a better reason for Botox Cosmetic?"  It's not clear whether the reason they mean is to look good for your wedding or to fool some guy into thinking you're ten years younger so he'll marry you.  But then, it's always hard to determine the intentions of the Botox people.  Talk about poker faces.

I noticed this hilarious headline on the cover of Seventeen magazine while waiting in a checkout line (I'm quoting from memory, so this may not be exact, but it's close): "435 Ways To Get That Natural Beauty Look!"  This probably involves 435 separate chemical compounds, but if it can give a 17-year-old girl that naturally youthful look, who am I to argue?

Finally, here's a story that first appeared in the New York Post's Page Six, then Entertainment Tonight picked it up.  Several fancy-shmancy Beverly Hills stores are under fire for size discrimination for their shoddy treatment of Marissa Winokur, the size-12, Tony Award-winning star of the Broadway musical, "Hairspray."  In a scene right out of "Pretty Woman" (except this was more like "Not Pretty Enough Woman"), she went shopping on Rodeo Drive for a gown to wear on Sunday's Tony Awards telecast and was repeatedly insulted by snooty clerks.  At Gucci, a clerk sneered, "Your boobs won't fit in that dress," which Winokur said they never would've told Jessica Simpson (even though Jessica's boobs don't fit into any of her dresses).  By the time she got to Neiman's, she said she was nearly in tears, but they ignored her, even though the store was nearly empty (gee, I wonder why?)  When she found a dress she liked, a clerk snapped at her to put it down before she ruined it.

Winokur said she was ready to spend $10,000 on a gown, but nobody would wait on her.  At last, she called her old friend (and isn't it nice to have friends like this?), Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who called several top designers, who immediately flew gowns to her from Italy.  Of course, they're all size 2, but she still has four days to get liposuction.

To be fair to these stores, it's possible they didn't shun her because she was a size 12.  They might've treated her like garbage because she only had $10,000 to spend.  When you walk into a Rodeo Drive store with $10,000, they tell you to go to Wal-Mart.  But then, if she'd gone to Wal-Mart, they probably would've told her, "Get your skinny butt outta here!"
 
 
 

June 1, 2004

Evian sponsored a survey of beauty editors, makeup artists, photographers and model agencies to choose the 100 most naturally-beautiful women of all time, and Audrey Hepburn was #1.  The idea was to choose women who most embody healthy living and natural beauty, with a glow that comes from both personality and complexion.  That sounds like Audrey Hepburn, all right (plus she's the most beautiful by modern standards because she was the skinniest woman of all time), but the rest of the top 100 will probably set off a million fierce arguments.

The judges seem to have rather short memories (aside from #86 Cleopatra -- they must've asked Hugh Hefner what she looked like), so the results were stacked in favor of current actresses, singers and models at the expense of some of the great classic beauties who were less surgically-enhanced.  For instance, Audrey Hepburn was followed by Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett and Angelina Jolie, with the stunningly perfect Grace Kelly trailing at #5.  Madonna (19), J-Lo (26), Julia Roberts (28) and that paragon of healthy living, Kate Moss (13), were all far ahead of Ingrid Bergman (65), Catherine Deneuve (76) and Rita Hayworth (88).  If only Ingrid had gotten a nose job and breast implants, she could have been the most naturally-beautiful woman of all time!  And such obvious contenders as Gene Tierney, Louise Brooks and Carole Lombard didn't make the list at all, even though, for some reason, Marilyn Monroe is listed twice, at 27 and 36.  Maybe they let the models do the math.

Looking over this list, I get the impression that to today's celebrities, "natural beauty" means your plastic surgeon is so good, it looks really natural.

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Here's some depressing news:  Energizer has hired '80s rocker Pat Benatar to promote their hearing aid batteries.  Benatar doesn't use a hearing aid (Pete Townshend might have been a better choice), but Energizer thinks she's the perfect celebrity to reach what they see as a huge growth market among Baby Boomers who've spent years listening to too much loud music (and considering the volume of the music many of them have listened to, I'm amazed they didn't lose their hearing by 1977).   It's an odd sales pitch: "You can trust me to recommend the best hearing aid batteries because I helped make you deaf in the first place!"

In Energizer's brochure, Benatar is quoted as saying, "From Aerosmith to the Rolling Stones, our music defines us, but all those years of rockin' are beginning to take a toll."  The campaign is called "It's Hip To Hear."  Unless, of course, you're listening to Pat Benatar records.

On the bright side, at least you can remove the batteries from your hearing aid when your kids start playing rap music.
 
 
 

May 31, 2004

Happy Memorial Day to all!  I'm taking a break from arranging our next show (and trying to get our backyard and house ready for a big dinner party next week) to catch you up on the news.
 

In a delicious irony, John Rezak, 56, who was an editor for Playboy for over 30 years, passing judgments on the bodies of all those barely-legal Bunnies, is now suing the magazine for age discrimination.  He was let go for what Playboy called "a difference in sensibility and a duplication of skill sets."  Rezak claims they actually canned him because they thought bringing in a younger staff would attract younger readers.

Or so he was told by Hugh Hefner, age 76.  (Hugh keeps his own staff ever young, thanks to Viagra.)

Mr. Rezak is just lucky he's not a Playboy model, or he would've been forcibly retired 35 years ago.

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Jody Gorran of Delray Beach, Florida, is suing the estate of Dr. Robert Atkins for $28,000, claiming that the Atkins Diet raised his cholesterol so much, he needed a medical procedure to unclog his arteries.  His favorite foods were cheese every day and cheesecake three times a week, and apparently, it never occurred to him that this could be bad for your health (he should claim that the Atkins diet causes brain damage, too).  He's also demanding that Atkins put warning labels on their products.  That's one I agree with: "Warning: This product is incredibly overpriced!"

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Speaking of healthy diets, last Thursday, Hermann Dornemann, the oldest man in Germany, celebrated his 111th birthday and credited his longevity to drinking lots of beer, drinking the water he boils his potatoes in, and avoiding all exercise.  He's 111, but he's had such a good time, his life actually seemed much shorter.

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A study by the AARP debunks the idea that divorces over 40 are mostly men dumping their wives for a younger woman.  A survey of 1,147 people who got divorces in their 40s, 50s or 60s found that two-thirds were initiated by wives.  It found that women over 40 were more aware of problems in their marriages and less hesitant than in the past to leave an unbearable marriage.  In contrast, over a quarter of the men said they "never saw it coming."  They were probably too busy sleeping with younger women to see anything coming.

Judging from the tabloids, I assumed that most divorces over 40 were women dumping their husbands for Ashton Kutcher.
 
 
 
 

May 26, 2004

Thanks to everyone who came out to our show last Sunday at Django!  My husband Pat said he thought it was the best show we've ever done (and he's seen them all), and I think I agree.  The audience was great, the sound balance was perfect, nobody dropped any pans of forks in the kitchen... Heaven!

We'll be returning to Django very soon, and it's likely the next show will be an invitation-only taping of a cable TV special.  For a chance to attend, just drop me a line to subscribe to my free newsletter.  We'll give away some seats to subscribers on a first come-first served basis, so get on the list now and join my new "Don't tell your age" campaign.   Remember, when someone asks how old you are, just say, "Gee, I can't remember...How much do you weigh?"
 

And now, let's catch up on the news...

Scientists at Johns Hopkins medical school in Baltimore report that bad hair days are genetic.  Mice that lacked the Fz6 gene developed weird whorls and tufts of hair that looked normal under the microscope, suggesting that the problem wasn't the hair root but the skin cells around it.  This means bad hair may be more the fault of your parents than the wind or sleeping on it wrong.  So don't blame the wind if your hair really blows.  Just blame your parents, the same way you blame them for your nose and your saddlebags.

On the plus side, if your parents cursed you with really bad hair, maybe you'll luck out and inherit the baldness gene, too.

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The Heilongjiang Morning Post of China reports that Jian Feng was horrified when his wife gave birth to an ugly baby daughter.  He suspected her of cheating until she confessed that before their whirlwind romance and marriage, she'd had $127,000 worth of plastic surgery in South Korea.  She showed him a picture of how she used to look.  He promptly divorced her and successfully sued her for $99,000 for deceit.  He must figure that's how much he'll have to spend on his daughter's plastic surgery.

The story doesn't say whether this guy is a natural beauty himself, which I somehow doubt.  But it does bring up an interesting point: what will the kids of all these surgically-altered beauties from TV reality shows think when they get old enough to compare their perfectly-sculpted parents' features to their own?  They may wonder why mom looks like "The Swan" while they resemble an ostrich.   And remember when the two "Extreme Makeover" subjects got married?  Their kids may look like Bigfoot!  The show may have to add an extra platoon of surgeons to deal with the consequences of all this meddling with nature.

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Speaking of "The Swan," the finale was Monday night.  Rachel Love Fraser, a 27-year-old construction company clerk from Sammamish, Washington, was crowned "The Swan."  This proved that her plastic surgeons were better than the other women's plastic surgeons, but then, don't all beauty contests prove that?  Fox announced that all the contestants combined had received a total of $3 million worth of plastic surgery, or roughly a year's supply for Joan Rivers.

The oddest moment in a night of surreal moments came when the host told Fraser that if she could not fulfill her obligations, the first runner-up would take her place.  What exactly are her "obligations?"  Making personal appearances at the Dow Corning plant?

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Attention, all you purchasers of every new skin potion: Las Ultimas Noticias reports that Dr. Fernando Bascunan of Chile has developed a skin cream that really slows down aging because it's made from snail extract.  He's exporting 20,000 bottles of Elicina Cream to the US every month, and about to export it to other nations.  It was inspired by snail handlers who noticed how quickly their cuts healed with no scars. He said snails have a natural cell regenerator in their slime, and the cream is perfect for after shaving, to heal abrasions and keep your skin looking perfect.   Just don't expect it to work fast.

Of course, lawyers don't need it because they generate their own slime.  Ba-dum-bum!

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If you are already salivating at the idea of smearing snail slime on your face, perhaps you need to turn on Showtime and check out Penn & Teller's "Bulls**t," which recently focused on the anti-aging industry in an episode titled "Fountain of Youth."

On the Penn & Teller website, they describe the episode like this:

"The good news: we're living longer.  The bad news: the older we get, the more we're made to feel that there's something wrong with that, and so we make futile efforts to turn back the clock.  From nutty diets to expensive facial creams that don't do anything.  And if you're over 40, you're probably lining up for your Botox injections or extensive plastic surgery.  But beware all of the "medical" claims to extend your life 'cause they're mostly bulls**t.  Here's the bottom line.  Wrinkles are inevitable.  Get used to it."

A bit blunt, perhaps, but certainly to the point, as always.  Pat and I had dinner with Penn Jillette a few years back, and I can assure you, it's not something you want to do if you're easily embarrassed by what the people at the next table overhear.  Fortunately, we're not, and it was one of our more memorable evenings.

To see a clip from the show (about the woman who got 42 operations to look like Barbie -- see below, the May 4 entry), click here.

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Finally, NBC is planning yet another eight-episode "makeover" series in which plus-size contestants compete against each other to see who can lose the most weight without any surgery or liposuction.  It will be called (I kid you not) "The Biggest Loser."  That could be the name of virtually any reality show.

If you actually spend eight hours of your life watching this, take a wild guess who the biggest loser is.
 
 
 

May 20, 2004

Pat and I were both very saddened by the passing of Tony Randall, one of our all-time favorite comic actors.  Pat was especially moved because he had the honor of working with Mr. Randall in the 1980s.  He wrote a tribute that we sent to our Comedy Wire clients, and I thought I'd share it with you.  Just click here to read it.

For my part, I'll point out that he was definitely someone who never let age stop him from doing anything, from remarrying after the death of his wife of 54 years and starting a new family to taking on new professional challenges.  He started the National Actors Theater when he was 71, and took up rollerblading at 79!  We saw him in "The Sunshine Boys" with Jack Klugman in Ft. Worth just last year (absolutely hilarious), and he was performing in Pirandello's play "Right You Are" a month before he entered the hospital for the last time.  In one obituary, he was quoted as saying, "The most amazing, wonderful things in my life have happened since I was 70.  I think that's unique."

It probably is unique, but if we look to Tony Randall for inspiration, maybe it can be true for all of us.

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As long as we're quoting celebrities, here's a great line from Dolly Parton, who appeared on Ellen DeGeneres' show Wednesday.  Ellen asked her how she stays looking so great at 58.  Dolly replied:

"Well, it ain't cheap!  A lot of good doctors, a lot of good makeup...I'm a cartoon, so it's easy.  I'll probably look this way when I'm 100."

And you know...I bet she will!

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Speaking of plastic surgery, there's a new controversy brewing over Fox's "The Swan."   TheSmokingGun.com reports that Dr. Lynn Ianni, the therapist who counsels the contestants, is accused of having gotten her Ph.D. from a diploma mill.  If you read the entire story, she does have a lot of education and experience, but this one degree seems to be the result of an Extreme Makeover on her resume.  Let's hope the show's plastic surgeons got their training at actual medical schools and not at Fun Ed.

This week's Entertainment Weekly has a good observation about "The Swan."  They describe it as a show where women with terrible self-images are given both therapy and extensive plastic surgery, then half of them are told that they still aren't pretty enough to be in a beauty contest.

That  should undo all the therapy pretty quickly!

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If I suggested you get a "butt facial," would you think I was...

A.  Calling you a butt head?

B.  Making a gross sexual proposition?

C.  Recommending the latest beauty treatment?

The answer, of course, is C.  In the past week or so, I've come across two articles referring to "butt facials," which appears to be the charming new term for microdermabrasion performed on the buttocks.  Or to put it more bluntly, "sandblasting your heiney."   It supposedly gives you a smoother, firmer, tighter tuchus.  But according to this article by New York Post writer Barbara Hoffman, who got one herself, it also makes your butt feel just like it's been attacked by an angry cat.  So if you have a cat, you might be able to save a little money by letting it do the job.

Come to think of it, maybe your butt looks firmer because of all the exercise you'll get walking around when your butt is too sore to sit down.

In case you still think I'm making this stuff up, here's another story that not only mentions butt facials, it also discusses "MyPetFat."  This is a jar of fake lard (in one ounce, one pound and five pound sizes) that you can carry around with you, look at and get disgusted by, to help inspire you to lose weight.  As if you're not carrying around enough actual fat already!  The inventor says that for some reason, it's selling big in South Africa.  Maybe they think it's edible.

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"More" magazine is holding its annual 40+ model search, if anyone is interested in entering.  The deadline is May 24, so better hurry.  You can apply online here.

I'm torn when it comes to More magazine.  I love the idea of a magazine for women built on the premise that age doesn't matter.  On the other hand, More plainly declares that it's for women over 40 (that's "FORTY YEARS OLD!!") and scrupulously reveals the age of every woman they profile.  After all, how could you know how little her age matters if you don't know exactly what it is?  Seems to me this concept needs a little rethinking.  Still, that quibble aside, I love More magazine.  If they'd just stop giving everyone's age, they'd be perfect.

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"Troy" was the #1 movie at the box office last weekend, earning $45.6 million, but that's under the $50 million debut expected of a $200 million blockbuster.  One of the excuses given is that some critics complained the actress playing Helen of Troy wasn't beautiful enough.  You've probably noticed that today, with plastic surgery, liposuction and PhotoShop, no  woman is beautiful enough.

Slate.com reports that the producers had a hard time casting the role because everyone had to agree she was the world's most beautiful woman and therefore worth going to war over (I guess they've never seen guys on "Jerry Springer" go to war over a woman with biker
tattoos and no teeth).  I don't know why they even bothered because no woman they found could possibly be prettier than Brad Pitt.

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I'll leave you with another quote, this one from a funny young stand-up comic who made his first appearance on "The Tonight Show" last night.  His name was Daniel Tosh, and one of his lines struck me as particularly good:

"Plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance match your inner appearance: fake."
 
 
 

May 17, 2004

Thanks to everyone who came out to see the Dallas Press Club Gridiron Show on Saturday night!  Pat and I had a lot of fun doing it, but we're both absolutely exhausted and sleep-deprived, so I haven't had much time or energy to update this blog.  I promise, I'll have more stuff up soon.

If you haven't subscribed to my free newsletter yet, you should know that the Gridiron Show audience included a subsciber who won two free tickets (a $60 value!) just by being the first person to write back and ask.  And someone else who got two free tickets from us entered a raffle there and won free airfare on American Airlines to anywhere in the Western Hemisphere!  See how lucky you become when you subscribe to my newsletter?  What the heck are you waiting for?!  Another exciting offer is in the works right now!

The winner of the free newsletter tickets sat right behind Mayor Laura Miller, and she assures me that Mayor Miller laughed heartily during the song I wrote and sang, which is quite a relief.  The idea of the Gridiron Show is that local media people sing parody songs making fun of current events and the politicians in the audience.  For instance, Channel 8's Bret Shipp sang "The Night That Bolton Cried" ("The Night Chicago Died"), and Fox 4's Jeff Crilley donned a hilarious wig - actually a fake beard on his head - to play Donald Trump in an "Apprentice" sketch and fire the Dallas police chief.

My song was set to the tune of "Johnny Angel" by Shelly Fabares, and accompanied by dreamy background vocals by four female Press Clubbers dubbed "The Millerettes."  I can't get it out of my head, and it went over so well, I wish I could sing it again somewhere.  At least, I can share the lyrics with you here, and you can sing it yourself:
 

"Laura Miller,
She's our mayor,
She got elected as the pothole queen.
But the potholes still are just as big
As we've ever seen.

Laura Miller, a non-smoker,
And now, Dallas has a smoking ban.
If you smoke, you've gotta understand
Her master plan.

Laura Miller
Wants to clean up the streets.
The homeless must retreat!
The sidewalks must look neat!
All dispensers for newspapers must go.
Such thinking should unnerve her.
She worked for the Observer.

Laura Miller,
We still love her,
And we think her wardrobe is a dream.
She could be the product of an 'Extreme
Makeover' team.

Laura Miller
Has no budget to do
The things she'd like to do!
She's limited, it's true!
It must kill her
As she faces the truth:
The founders in their wisdom
Gave us a weak mayor system.

Laura Miller,
She's our mayor!
And she's taking us on quite a trip!
She wants Dallas to become a hip
Dictatorshiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!"
 

As I said, I was told that Mayor Miller laughed at this, so I assume she was not offended, as we have yet to be arrested, audited or have our property taxes raised.  Then again, it's only Monday morning, and City Hall has yet to open.   I'll keep you posted.

*********************************************************

And now, back to the regular business of this blog, mocking the fixation on age and looks... at least for one story before I go pass out asleep.

The cover story of this week's TV Guide is called "Makeover Madness," it's a look at all the plastic surgery shows, and the cover shot is a hot-looking picture of Britney Spears, with an itemized list of all the plastic surgery you mere mortals would have to get to look like her. Like Britney herself, some of the prices seem a bit over-inflated.  The whole package totals up to $75,000!

I don't know, judging by this recent tabloid picture (allegedly) of Britney, that doesn't seem like much of a bargain.  It looks as if Britney herself achieved this look by spending $70,000 on plastic surgery and $5,000 on cheeseburgers.  And 39 cents on a bathing suit.   This should show you how ridiculous it is to try to use surgery to make an actual human look like an impossible image that is professionally made-up, teased, lighted and PhotoShopped and doesn't even exist in real life.

And besides, when you have Britney's singing talent, what difference do looks make?

Okay, now I know I'm so exhausted, I must be punchy.   Goodnight...
 
 
 

May 12, 2004

Another celebrity quote, courtesy of "Jimmy Kimmel Live."  He had a clip of Cameron Diaz giving an interview to ABC in which she unloaded a major rant against "Extreme Makeover" and similar plastic surgery shows.   She said it appalls and disgusts her that there are shows that actually depict women being cut open, and that there are people who watch them.  Referring to the participants who care so much about looks over substance, she said, "Those people to me are sick in their heads, they have a mental problem."

Jimmy Kimmel responded, "Which is why she's dating Justin Timberlake."

While I certainly appreciate the sentiment (and God knows, some of the ones on "The Swan" do need the free therapy even more than the free cosmetic dental work), it's probably a bit tough for the women who appear on "The Swan" or "Extreme Makeover" to be told that they are too fixated on their looks by CAMERON FREAKIN' DIAZ!

In "Shrek," she plays a beautiful princess who happily transforms into a fat ogre so she can marry a really ugly guy with a good heart instead of a wealthy prince.  This is basically the opposite concept of "Extreme Makeover."  Maybe she could launch a show like that and see how many women who look like her sign up for it.
 
 

May 11, 2004

Not much in the news today (and due to Gridiron Show rehearsals, I missed that two-hour edition of "The Swan" -- Damn, how much sacrifice must I makee for my art?!!), but here's a good celebrity quote from actor Mark Ruffalo, currently appearing in "13 Going On 30," the movie about a woman who wishes she were 17 years older, which is how you can tell it's a fantasy:

Nice to hear that somebody else was worried his ship had sailed, even though he was worrying about it at a ridiculously young age.  But that's when actors start doing that, which is why they drop out of high school to become successful, and later inflict their painfully uninformed opinions about foreign policy on the world.
 

Ellen DeGeneres devoted her Monday TV monologue to the subject of aging, with lots of funny observations about how she's suddenly developing more interest in all the commercials for vaguely-defined new prescription drugs and thinking that there should be an age limit on sitting in bean bag chairs.  She noted that you know you are getting older the very first time you find yourself switching the radio dial to any station that advertises "Smooth Rock."   I don't know if that applies to me, though, since I've been listening to Ella Fitzgerald since I was five.   But I do agree with Ellen's declaration that she may be aging, "but I refuse to get old!"
 

Finally, on a slow news day, let's take a moment to remember Estee Lauder, who recently passed away after a long life as both a shrewd and successful businesswoman and a gal with a mission to give makeovers.  Here's a nice appreciation of her by New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser.
 
 

May 8, 2004

I always love a good celebrity quote about aging, since women in show business are in the front lines of the battle against ageism.  Some people think I'm overreacting when I talk about age bias in employment and sing my song "When Was I Born?" (about trying to conceal your age on your resume).  But check out what "Saturday Night Live" head writer and star Tina Fey had to say last week in "Entertainment Weekly."

Tina has a shelf full of Emmys, her movie "Mean Girls" is #1 at the box office, and she's on every talk show and magazine cover.  But when asked if she would leave "SNL" to try her own show, here's what she replied:

"I don't know.  There's more longevity in writing than there is in acting.  But there's prejudice against older writers, too.  So I've got to save my money."

As magazines always helpfully do, EW told us Tina's age: 33.  Believe it or not, that's actually considered an "older writer" in TV comedy circles.  Any older than that, and the teenagers running the studios think that all you can write is Gerald Ford jokes -- or they would, if they'd ever heard of Gerald Ford.  When you are 33, you are reaching the upper limits of where the TV industry considers you capable of being funny before senility sets in, so Tina Fey actually has to worry about her job security.

Thank God I'm a radio comedy writer!

*************************************

One of my suggested ways to fight back against the way society tries to put you in a box due to your age is to encourage people to refuse to tell their age.  (If you never check the age group box, they can't put you in the box!)  Newspapers and magazines insist on putting your age right after your name, because it's so vitally important - otherwise, how would readers know what to think about you?  (Even More magazine, which I love and which was founded for the express purpose of proving that age is immaterial and shouldn't limit women's ambitions in any way, always includes the age of every woman they mention -- I guess so you can appreciate how immaterial it is.)  I tell people that if they are ever interviewed by a reporter who asks their age, they should refuse to answer and say, "My age is not the point of this story!"  Unless it's a story about how you're now the world's oldest person.

Well, maybe I'm finally having some impact.  I refused to give my age when I was interviewed by Michael Precker of the Dallas Morning News' Texas Living section, and he made quite a big deal about it (you can read the article here).  But on Thursday, May 6, the Texas Living section featured profiles by writer Tracy Anchor Hayes of five prominent women who refuse to dye their gray hair...but more importantly to me, none of the profiles gave the women's ages! (Aside from that, it's also a wonderful article, so be sure to look it up at www.DallasNews.com -- sorry I can't link directly to it, but you have to register to access it.)

Maybe the tide is finally starting to turn, and we can at last eradicate this particular little remnant of journalistic ageism.  It's just too bad that it comes too late to help poor, decrepit, 33-year-old Tina Fey.
 
 
 

May 4, 2004

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post, but Pat and I are both swamped between writing the Comedy Wire, promoting "My Ship," and writing and rehearsing for the Dallas Press Club's Gridiron Show on May 15.  Also, my Saturday appearance at the Mystic Note Cafe, the monthly cabaret evening held at the Center for Spiritual Living on Midway Road, went great and all the music that night was wonderful.  I'd like the thank the terrific audience there, and especially the music director, Michael Gott, a brilliant pianist/vocalist who performs most nights at the Mansion Bar in Turtle Creek.  If you'd like to enjoy the closest thing Dallas has to an elegant romantic evening at the Algonquin Bar, canoodling to the classic music of Bobby Short, then you must drop by the Mansion Bar and hear Michael.

Not much in the news today, but here's a story I just had to share with you:

Thanks to the advent of extreme plastic surgery, there's now a real-life Ken and Barbie.  Cindy Jackson, an American living in Britain, was already in the Guinness Book of Records as the most surgically-enhanced woman in the world (and you thought it was Pamela Anderson!), having had 42 operations to become a replica of her heroine, Barbie, complete with button nose, blond hair, big (100% plastic) boobs and dazzling white smile.  (Say, this does sound like Pamela Anderson.)

Then Miles Kendall of Stoke, England, who always wanted to look like Barbie's boytoy Ken, saw Cindy on TV and contacted her to ask if he could be the male version of her.  After being assured that he was not a stalker or mentally deranged but simply a perfectly normal, mentally healthy man who wanted to surgically transform himself into a fashion doll, she agreed.  Miles spent $50,000 on 47 procedures to nip, chisel and implant himself into an exact replica of Ken.  The story notes that like the miniature Ken and Barbie, Cindy and Miles are not romantically involved.  (Not since Miles had that operation to remove his genitals, anyway).

When you think about it, this really isn't as weird as it seems.  Judging by "Extreme Makeover," "The Swan," et al, the entire aim of modern plastic surgery seems to be to turn us all  into Ken and Barbie.  At least these people freely admit it.
 
 

April 30, 2004

One of the showbiz gossip websites reports that Kim Basinger is planning to "shock" audiences by doing a fully nude sex scene in her next movie at age...brace yourselves...50!  And her leading man is a teenager (some would say a darn lucky one).  Lest you fear that you might have to avert your eyes from this terrifying spectacle, the story reassures us that Kim's "still got the body of a young woman in her prime."  Well, not really: it's much better than Gwyneth Paltrow's.

When you think about it, what's so unusual about an older actress in Hollywood having a young body?  Some of them have a face that's only two years old, boobs that are just a year old, etc.  Have you heard of something being less than the sum of its parts?  That describes most actresses in Hollywood who are over 50.   They're 50, and the sum of their parts is only about 27.
 

Columnist Deb Saunders takes a swipe at "The Swan" here that you might find interesting.  It also contains a reference to a group I hadn't heard of, About-Face.org.  They're a San Francisco-based group that blows the whistle on people in the media who promote unrealistic body images for women.  They don't denounce all cosmetic surgery, they just frown on extreme surgical overhauls to achieve a rigid standard of beauty and suggest that you can make improvements to your looks in a much healthier manner through changes in diet and exercise.  They sound like a group I could find common ground with, although I prefer not to frown on anything, since it causes wrinkles.
 

Here's a charmingly old-fashioned story:  A graphic talk about the horrors of facial reconstruction surgery by the survivor of a DWI crash had some unexpected results at a Chicago high school when students began passing out.  "They were dropping like flies in the gym," said Konrad Diebold, president of St. Patrick HS and a man who certainly has a way with words. "I saw one of them throwing up in a bucket."   Seven had to be rushed to a hospital (no doubt in dangerous, speeding cars.)

It's nice to hear that in this modern age, when they show the most grisly plastic surgery procedures on primetime network TV during the dinner hour, some high school students remain so unjaded that a simple description of facial surgery can send them running for the heave bucket.  There's hope for this young generation yet, by cracky!
 

Finally today, one of our periodic quotes on age from a Hollywood star.  This one comes from Isabella Rossellini, who told Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show that she didn't begin modeling until she was 28.  She said she had no idea models were supposed to be so young, and that was just when she was first asked, so she did it.  People liked her looks so much, she worked constantly, appeared on the cover of Vogue four times, and became the face of Lancome.

And then, one fateful day, someone finally asked her age.  She told them she was 30.  This prompted the panicked response, "30?!  You can't be a model at 30!  Models retire at 26!"  But she said nobody had ever told her that, and until that point, nobody had ever asked her age.

You just can't help but feel sorry for all those fashion magazines, paying her so much money because of her fantastic looks, unmatched charisma and bewitching personality, never realizing that they were throwing it all away on an old hag of 30 that nobody could possibly be interested in.

Thank God she finally told them her age!  What if they'd still been hiring her at 35?  The world as we know it might have imploded!  The world of fashion magazines, anyway.

This is why I am launching my new crusade, which I've begun working into the show.  I'm encouraging everyone to refuse to tell their age!  People only want to know it so they can put you in a box and decide what to think about you based on it, so make it as hard as possible for them.  If anyone asks your age, just say, "I don't tell my age, but why don't you tell me your weight?"  That should stop the conversation in its tracks.
 
 
 

April 29, 2004

If the posts here are sporadic for awhile, it's because we're in intensive rehearsals for the Dallas Press Club Gridiron Show on May 15, so spare time is as hard to find as an "American Idol" contestant with perfect pitch.  But here are a couple of items to keep you entertained...
 

Here's a heartening story about how some clothing chains such as Chico's are doing a brisk business by realizing that women between 30 and 60 actually buy clothing and don't want to look like either Britney Spears or Granny Clampett.  Sample inspirational quote, from a woman in Long Island:

“It’s either young or old.  Everything in between, you’re stuck fending for yourself.  It’s hard to find trendy, age-appropriate clothes.  I would love to sit all these designers down and slap them across the face and say, 'What the @#$%!! are you thinking?'”

I even have a song ("The Simple Joys of Maidenhood") about being a grown-up and trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans cut so low you have to get a Brazilian wax job to wear them, so it's great to see clothing makers finally doing something to fix a serious problem that I've been railing humorously about for so long.   I'm not going to stop doing that song, though.  It gets too many laughs.  But it does make me think that I need to see if Chico's would like to be the corporate sponsor of a satirical musical show.

On the more depressing side, it appears that the disturbing plastic surgery beauty pageant show "The Swan" is turning into a big hit and is now the third-highest-rated series on Fox.  A lot of other beauty pageants have been doing poorly in the ratings in recent years, so this gives me an idea: instead of the terrible "talent competition," just let the contestants' plastic surgeons come out on stage, show videos of what they did to the women, and describe their surgical talents.   Most beauty pageants hinge on who has the best plastic surgeon anyway, so let's eliminate the middle man and go right to the source!
 
 
 

April 27, 2004

Sunday's show at Django was a blast (my throat is still recuperating from talking to so many people afterward), and I want to thank all of you for coming out!  Brian and I were thrilled to perform for such a great audience, including our friend Paula Ayneworth of KERA, video pro (and darn good singer) Janet Kollmeier, a representative of the Dallas Women's Museum, and an icon of humorous songwriting, the wonderful Lu Mitchell!  What an honor to meet her!  We are coming back to Django again May 23 for another Sunday dinner show, so please tell your friends and spread the news.  We live by word of mouth.

Well, enough about me: there's BIG NEWS today!  If you recall, one of my crusades has been to knock down that age barrier of 24 on "American Idol" (not that I would want to try out for it; I just hate the general idea that if you are over 24, you are officially deemed to be too old to be a success in the music business).  That particular example of age bias was so glaring and hit so close to home, it was one of the main inspirations for me creating "My Ship Has Sailed."  Well, guess what?  The barricade has been toppled!  Well, sort of.

Simon Cowell announced that he has gotten so much criticism over the age barrier on "American Idol" that he is creating a new talent show that will allow anyone over 16 to compete, with no upper age limit.  The show will be called "The X Factor" ("X" standing for "X-tremely old," I assume), it will air only in Britain initially, and this won't affect the age rules on "American Idol," but at least it's a start.  I have a feeling that hearing the fantastically talented mom who won Oprah's singing challenge for grown-ups might have opened Simon's eyes a bit.   Or maybe he just listened to this year's crop of "AI" contestants and realized that America is running out of people under 25 who can carry a tune.   He says he hopes the new show will appeal to all the people over 35 who keep telling him there aren't any singers they like on "Idol" (people under 35 say that, too).

So finally, there will be a singing talent show with no upper age limit!  Why, you could be as old as...30!  Huzzah!

Of course, there's one condition: you still have to look 20.

*********************************************************

The New York Post's Page Six reports that "Sex & The City" vixen Kim Cattrall attended the premiere of a documentary about sex called "Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women Over 60."  Despite rave reviews at film festivals, it can't find an American distributor because TV executives told the makers that middle-aged and older women aren't a demographic that interests them (since their average age is about 25 -- and their average mental age, about 12 -- they probably get sick just thinking of women over 60 having sex).  Cattrall said she attended as research for a documentary she's making on sex that will also include men's stories.  (Kim Cattrall and men talking about sex?  Now that, they'll buy!)

You'd think Lifetime would show it, but I guess they're not interested in women who have sex either. They only show movies about women who have diseases.

****************************************************

Also from Page Six, (the world's greatest source of vital information), it seems Joan Rivers has become so synonymous with facelifts, Mercedes-Benz hired her to perform at a party to launch the "facelift" or redesign of their C-Class car.  It now has seats made of faux leather, the same material as Joan's face.  But if the C-Class Mercedes is anything like Joan, it didn't just get a facelift, it got put up on the rack for a total body overhaul.

*****************************************************

Finally, just a quick personal observation.  Have you noticed that there is a new version of "Extreme Makeover" where they send an overly-caffeinated construction crew to do a total makeover on someone's house?  I guess people and houses are now pretty much the same: both just big remodeling projects.

I hope the producer never makes a mistake and sends the wrong crew to the wrong show.  I can hear it now...

Producer:  "No, no!  You were supposed to use the jackhammer on her house, not her face!"

Remodeler:  "It was an honest mistake!  Her nose looked like a chimney!"

Producer:  "Oh well, don't sweat it.  Our plastic surgeons probably would have used a jackhammer on her, too..."
 
 
 

April 23, 2004

I'm very busy preparing for the big show at Django Sunday, and I hope you'll all join me there.  In the meantime, here are a couple of quick stories for your amusement...

There's a new book out called "Generation S.L.U.T.," in which 10-to-14-year-old girls are interviewed about all the sexual imagery and pressures put on them by the media to look sexy when they're still basically kids.  The good news here is that there is a backlash among some of the girls, who have coined a delightful term for young women who insist on wearing heavy makeup and tight, revealing clothes, a la Britney and Christina.  They call them "prostitots."  (Maybe the really young ones could be referred to as "Everybody's Babies.")  One young girl provided the quote of the day when she said she wanted "jeans that fit me but that are not so tight that I can bounce a ping-pong ball off my butt."

She's probably really sick of boys doing that.

Finally, just yesterday, I said I'd believe men were as dedicated to looking good as women are when they started willingly enduring bikini waxes.  Much earlier on this blog, I noted that writing topical humor is hard because no matter how outrageous a joke you write, somebody turns around and actually does it, and then it's news.  Well, click here and see my point being proven before your very eyes...
 
 

April 22, 2004

I'm too furious about Jennifer Hudson being kicked off "American Idol" to do much commentary today, so I'll just point you toward this story, then go back to brooding, spitting nails, and plotting revenge against faceless (and tonedeaf) "AI" voters.

Yeardley Smith, the actress best known for providing the voice of Lisa Simpson, has turned her journals into a hit one-woman show in New York called "Yeardley Smith: More."  The reason I'm including it here is that she recounts her nightmarish experiences with poor body image, which led her to start dieting at age nine, vomiting at 14, then getting liposuction to try to become an actress in L.A.

She says, "The cliché is you can change the outside as much as you like, but the inside more or less remains the same, and you are no more or less a better person for that."  But I'm happy to report that she has finally developed a more healthy attitude, or at least an attitude about plastic surgery that I can agree with.  She says, "Ultimately, I don't regret having the plastic surgery.  I do regret feeling as though if I didn't have it, I couldn't go on for another day."

I would think she might also regret going through all that dieting, purging and surgery if she had known at the time that she was going to become rich doing voiceover work.
 
 

April 21, 2004

Well, as I say in "My Ship Has Sailed," you didn't think this was just for women, did you?  If so, then I direct you to a story in today's London Daily Telegraph.  A new study by Virgin Money Loans found that nearly two-thirds of British men in their 40s said they feel under the same pressure as women to stay youthful.

The researchers say that while men having a mid-life crisis used to buy a sports car or trade their wives for a younger model, they now want to change their own looks, with 54 percent hiring personal trainers and one-third seeking plastic surgery or Botox  (So now they get plastic surgery, then trade in both their cars and their wives for a younger model).  A Lancaster University psychologist said that just as men reach the top of their fields in their 40s, they realize their success has come at the expense of their health and looks, and they've now started trying to fix that by spending £2 billion a year on everything from gym memberships to cosmetic surgery to salon facials and body wraps.   I guess this only happens to really successful men because it takes so much more money to have a midlife crisis these days.

Personally, I won't believe men are really as serious about looking good as women are until they start ordering bikini waxes.
 

April 20, 2004

We had the first rehearsals last night for this year's Dallas Press Club "Gridiron Show," the first one they've done in four years.  My husband Pat and I did a lot of writing on it, and we'll both be appearing in it.  Pat is in several sketches, including two he wrote, and I'll be singing a parody song in honor of Laura Miller.  This show will star a lot of your favorite local celebrities from the TV news world, and tickets will be available to the public.  For more info, visit the Press Club Website.

And now, a couple of news stories to ponder while we all recuperate from episode two of "The Swan"...
 

The A.P. reports that even after an extreme makeover, some people are concerned that their voices can still give away their age (they might contain too much wisdom or something...or maybe they're using words like "swell" and "whippersnapper").

But happily, there's a surgical solution: the voice lift.  It involves putting either implants or collagen or fat injections into the vocal cords to restore youthful limberness and to reverse tremors or hoarseness.  It's done under general anesthesia, so you don't even know what you'll sound like, which makes it risky for singers.  But one surgeon said for teachers or politicians who need strong voices and "don't want to sound like Marlene Dietrich," it's something to consider.  So Al Gore might want to consider it.

I hear 26-year-olds are getting it so they can sound young enough to compete on "American Idol."

******************************************************

Angelina Jolie has some good news for male fans: Britain's Daily Star newspaper quoted her as saying she plans to keep stripping on screen until she's 40.  Jolie said she's not "overly shy" about nudity, and "I reveal more of myself when I'm extremely open emotionally than when I've got my shirt off" (that would make for a memorable Barbara Walters interview).  Jolie said she wouldn't mind continuing to appear nude when she's over 40, but by then, her adopted son will be a teenager and might be uncomfortable with it.  After all, she woudn't want her son to think she's weird.

There's only one kink in her plan:  by the time she's 35, the studio will already be insisting on a 20-year-old body double.
 
 
 
 

April 17, 2004

A few bizarre stories from the health/fitness/anti-aging front today...

Canada's University of Guelph is marketing a new kind of milk, produced by feeding herring to dairy cows.  (I follow an anti-aging diet of salmon and can't get my husband to eat one bite of it, but somehow, they're getting cows to eat herring.  They must have amazing powers of persuasion.)  The milk contains a healthy fatty acid found in fish, but people who don't like fish can now get it by drinking the milk (maybe my husband would agree to drink a herring milkshake, as long as there are no chunks of salmon floating in it).  Believe it or not, one of the researchers who helped develop it claims he can't detect any difference between herring milk and regular milk.  Other than the fact that cats like it even better.

***************************************************

McDonald's is so worried about those stupid lawsuits blaming them for their customers' obesity, they are launching a campaign to show how health-conscious they've become.  At a press conference this week, they unveiled brochures telling customers how to reduce fat and calories by skipping the cheese or bun on a cheeseburger (as Jay Leno noted, you're guaranteed to lose weight because there's hardly any meat, then you hold the cheese and bun...what's left?!)  They also showed off a new children's menu that will allow substitutions such as apple slices instead of french fries (I assume the apple slices are battered, fried and dipped in cinnamon sugar); and most hilarious of all, they unveiled their new "Adult Happy Meals," called the "Go Active" meals.  They will include salad, bottled water, a pedometer and advice to walk more.  This will NOT make their customers happy.  In fact, most of them will probably use the pedometer to find out how far it is to KFC.

*****************************************************

Finally, a truly delicious item, which is the Story of The Day, or STD as I like to call it:

Russia's Miss Universe pageant was thrown into chaos recently by the possibility that an "ordinary" girl might actually win.  A friend of Alyona Pisklova, a 15-year-old who is sort of the anti-Paris Hilton, posted her photo on their website for Internet voters.  Anti-globalization activists saw it and latched onto her as a symbol of their fight against the "Barbification" of society, fake emotions, unnatural looks and conventional standards of beauty connected to waist and bust size.  She got 10,000 votes in one day, twice as many as the next runner-up.  Pageant officials thought the site might've been hacked, but it hadn't.  The groundswell of support must've panicked them like the popularity of William "She Bangs" Hung did the "American Idol" producers.

Lucky for them, they found a loophole and disqualified Alyona for being below the minimum age.  (This could mark the first time ever that a budding beauty queen was cursed by not being old enough.  They might have told her to try out for Junior Miss Russia instead - yeah, let those guys be panicked for a change.)  But as a consolation, they gave her a stereo, a karaoke machine and a puppy.

And, of course, an Extreme Makeover.
 
 
 

April 15, 2004

We've all heard of "Extreme Makeovers," but this has to be the ultimate.  A man named Michael J. Tito underwent surgery to turn himself into a woman, but not just any woman.  He wanted to become Jennifer Lopez.  So he had hormone sex change treatments, breast enlargements, cheek implants, jaw and brow sculpting, and of course, butt implants (no doubt in size XXXL).  Tito, who is changing his name to Jessica, appeared on MTV's plastic surgery show, "I Want A Famous Face," where viewers voted that he and J-Lo were "a match" (probably a better match than J-Lo and Ben Affleck).  Tito said that while nobody has actually mistaken him for J-Lo, "my people tell me all the time I am very J-Lo-ish."  But then, they have to say that; they're his entourage.

I'm sure he turned out beautiful.  I hear that to get the look exactly right, he went to the same team of plastic surgeons who created J-Lo herself.
 
 

April 12, 2004

I apologize for the long delay since the last update, but I've been sick, overseeing a major house/yard remodeling, working on my show, tending to a parrot with an injured beak, and helping write the Dallas Press Club's Gridiron Show.  No, that's not a multiple choice quiz: I've been doing ALL those things!  But now, it's time to get back to the serious business of laughing at aging until it finally gives up and goes away...

******************************************

I hope Linda Ellerbee somehow finds her way to my website and reads this, because I want her to know that she is my hero.

Her recent column, running under the headline "Too Old?" in THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS, was sparked by the "reassignment" of veteran broadcaster Bob Edwards from NPR's "Morning Edition" to a position as "senior correspondent."  Now, why, you may ask, was a popular radio host whose audience has grown by 41 percent in the past five years, someone whose show was the most listened-to morning radio program in the United States, and who has hosted that show for the past 25 years, abruptly cut loose from it?

Why, indeed.

Could it possibly be because Bob Edwards is...(brace yourself)...56 YEARS OLD?!!

The powers that be will never say that was the reason; Ellerbee quotes an NPR spokeswoman as saying a new host would "bring new ideas and perspectives to the show."  Yeah, right.

And this was in publicradio.  Blatant age bias has been going on in the commercial media for years; commercial radio stations live and die by their demographics.  Advertisers typically don't want to waste their considerable ad dollars on mature, set-in-their-ways people, preferring young skulls full of mush to brainwash into unshakable brand loyalty.  And ad agencies tend to follow the adage that only young writers and producers can appeal to a young demographic.  So if you're 45 and looking for a job in advertising, good luck, buddy.  You belong to another demographic group:  insane people.

In fact, I've noticed that even the "anti-aging" skin products advertised on TV are aimed at twenty- and thirtysomethings.  They're for the woman who wants the world to think she's still...28.  (Of course, the models demonstrating it are still 19.)

Anyway, I give advertising and marketing most of the blame for the blatant ageism that exists today.  There's a "divide and conquer" mentality that I see in radio, TV, music, fashion, magazine publishing, and almost everything else that has gradually settled like thick, fine dust into every corner of our culture.  We all think in terms of categories now.  That's why even public radio has been affected.  If the trend continues, mature broadcasters on NPR will be as scarce as Republicans.

As for ageism as it relates to media personalities, Ellerbee makes a superb point:  The assertion that a young person will accept the news only if delivered by a young person is just like the one that was used against female broadcast journalists.  TV executives actually maintained the notion that men wouldn't believe the news if it came from a woman.  These executives made six- and seven-figure salaries but should have been wearing striped hats and flipping burgers for minimum wage.

When I started in radio -- boy, I'm dating myself here! -- female artists couldn't be played back-to-back.  Almost all the voices on commercials were male, because male voices were thought to have more authority.  In fact, the lower the voice, the better.  Doesn't that kind of radio seem as out of date as the dancing cigarette cartons on 1950s TV?

My point is, things can change.  (There's a long way to go, however; executives do accept the existence of female broadcasters now, but the age bias against them is considerably worse than it is for men.)  I'm hoping that in the not-too-distant future, the idea that younger people won't choose to listen to the news from a seasoned broadcast veteran - a smart, witty and, yes, familiar fifty- or sixtyish man or woman -- will seem just as ridiculous and stupid as that damn dancing cigarette carton.

We can do more than hope.  Linda Ellerbee suggests taking action - or rather, inaction - by NOT reaching for the checkbook during NPR's next pledge drive.  Why, we're so ancient and creaky anyway, it surely would be too much trouble for us to get out of our rocking chairs and find our tattered checkbooks with our old, bleary eyes.

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In the April 3 edition of the Dallas Morning News, a local writer named Renee Schafer Horton wrote a guest editorial about plastic surgery.  (I don't know if this ran in any other papers.)  One of her fortysomething friends had just had a facelift, and this writer was thoughtfully considering the pros and cons.  She concluded that she would accept the gradual changes in her face.

It was a nice piece, but the thing that struck me most was that it ran right next to another guest editorial, this one about a film from Afghanistan called "Osama."  The headline read, "Film reveals terror behind the burqa."  I find it sad and unsettling that we have the luxury of agonizing over what to do with our faces when we know there are millions of women in the world who can't reveal their faces at all.

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Guess who's buying CDs?  It's the people record industry executives have been ignoring for years.  (As I suggested earlier, marketers target a young demographic that has developed no taste, so they can sell any kind of crap to it.)

The music industry thinks teenagers are their biggest market.  Teenagers, my Aunt Fanny!  (That's not an exclamation: turns out my Aunt Fanny is actually the one buying all the CDs).  Incredibly, Fox News.com reports that people in their forties and fifties have discovered a few new artists worth listening to, and they're buying their music big-time.  While the youngsters are doing all that free downloading, their elders are forking over their war bonds and silver dollars for Norah Jones, Clay Aiken and Alicia Keys, among others.  This is actually making news.  Mature record-buyers just may save the troubled music industry from imploding.  Real songs with melodies, performed movingly by people who can actually sing, are coming back.

I have one comment, though.  Norah Jones, Clay Aiken and Alicia Keys are all in their early twenties.  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)  What if Norah Jones had gotten married right out of high school, had a batch of kids, raised them, then gone to college and studied music, then gone to New York and played jazz piano for an appreciative over-30 crowd, and then started trying to get a recording contract?  Let's say the songs were exactly the same as the ones she's gone platinum with, but she were, oh, about 43.  Does Norah Jones get a record contract?

NO!!!!!!!  The day a 43-year-old Norah Jones (or 43-year-old anybody) gets a record contract is the day Joan Rivers doesn't  make a pit stop at her plastic surgeon's office.

Of course, as I say in MY SHIP HAS SAILED, the next step is to prove that age is no barrier for someone starting a career in music.  (That's why you all need to make me, Laura Ainsworth, a cultural phenomenon.)  Change will happen.  We'll sweep the dust out of those corners yet!

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Finally, from the "Shattering Age Stereotypes" Dept. comes this story, courtesy of the London Daily Telegraph.

A study of British grandmothers funded by the UK's Economic and Social Research Council found that they no longer fit the old rocking chair granny image.  Today's British grandmother is likely to be under 60 and have a full time job (and I bet she had to lie about her age to get it.)  Testifying to the increased brattiness of today's kids, grannies also said they don't want to spend all their time with their grandchildren.  In fact, they are so busy, some say they feel pressured to take on more child care than they want, and wish they had more time to themselves.  Probably so they can pose for nude calendars.
 
 
 
 

April 6, 2004

It's a landmark week in television, as Fox premieres what could be the most disturbing thing to hit prime time since "Fear Factor" brought good, old-fashioned stomach-turning carnival geek shows to network TV's family dinner hour.   I refer, of course, to "The Swan."

This is the show in which a group of "ugly ducklings," a gaggle of low-self-esteem women who have spent their lives wishing they could change their looks, all get extreme plastic surgery makeovers (Hmm, wonder where they got this idea?  As Ernie Kovacs once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of television".)  They are not allowed to look into a mirror until they've healed and been given new hair styles, makeup, etc.  At that point, the women -- or at least, the ones who are judged to have healed into the most eye-pleasing arrangement of scar tissue and silicone -- will compete in a beauty pageant for the title of "Miss Swan."  And yes, this is exactly how Donald Trump's Miss Universe Pageant works.

I have a feeling this will be like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but I'll probably be tuning in.  As we tell our Comedy Wire radio clients, our motto is "We watch this crap so you won't have to!"  It debuts Wednesday, April 7, at 8 p.m. CST if you're strong of stomach and want to join me.  And naturally, it's on Fox.

If you don't get your fill of surgical enhancement from "The Swan," Friday, April 9, Lifetime will present a show called "Head 2 Toe," starring Joan and Melissa Rivers, who between them have had more plastic surgery than "The Swan's" entire flock.  The show features the mother-daughter succubi tag team giving each other complete makeovers and inflicting their taste on each other for a change, instead of on hapless celebrities on red carpets.  The gimmick with this show is that they have to wear blindfolds while getting made over.

Not to be catty, but I suspect this isn't the first time Joan and Melissa have gotten makeovers while blindfolded.
 
 

April 2, 2004

At first, I suspected this story was an April Fool's Day joke, but it first appeared on the Internet on March 31, and it seems to be real, so I have to share it with you.

It seems that a 24-year-old woman in Hunan province, China, got a breast enlargement at a beauty salon that was not authorized to carry out plastic surgery -- talk about a full-service salon!  But one year later, she found two lumps growing on her stomach (hey, she asked for an "extreme makeover.")  The two lumps just kept growing and growing until she apparently had four breasts.  She finally had to get a second operation to remove her two extra breasts.

And that's when her husband divorced her.

All kidding aside, this again shows the dangers of getting plastic surgery from a less-than-reputable provider.  You might end up with four breasts -- although some women would probably tell the doctor, "Just remove the two smallest ones."
 
 

March 30, 2004

The lookism worm may finally be turning, at least in the UK.  Dove Firming moisturizer surveyed British women and found that two-thirds of them were depressed about their figures because of the thin, airbrushed models in beauty product ads.  They also chose Renee Zellweger in her pleasantly chubby "Bridget Jones" role as their healthiest celebrity role model (the skinny Renee in "Chicago" only came in 7th -- you'd think they'd pick Jamie Lee Curtis).  So Dove has launched an ad campaign featuring real women of all shapes and sizes in their underwear, with no retouching.  You can find the full story, along with the photos, here.  And these actually are real, unretouched women.  Some of them make chubby "Bridget" Renee look like skinny "Chicago" Renee.

One psychologist said it was great that a beauty product maker is finally telling women to feel good about themselves instead of implying their product performs miracles.  (It's not a miracle that a moisturizer makes you firm?)  Personally, I think they performed a miracle when they found real women who were willing to pose in their underwear with no retouching.
 
 
 

March 29, 2004

If you are like me and believe you shouldn't judge people by their appearance, then realize what an uphill battle we're facing.  The London Daily Telegraph reports that the UK financial advice company Sesame commissioned a study of 1,000 British adults and found that people with large blue eyes, blond hair, full lips and childlike features are more likely to land jobs and win court trials.  Most people, including juries, perceive those with such features as more trustworthy (what about Baby Face Nelson?), while people with small mouths and lips and more mature features are seen as less reliable.  Also, women are perceived as more trustworthy than men, as are people with clean hair and shoes (but I repeat myself).  So the lesson here is, forget that high-priced lawyer; just spend the money on an Extreme Makeover.

By the way, I would like to point out that big blue eyes, blond hair and clean new shoes didn't help Martha Stewart, did they?

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And now, one of our periodic celebrity quotes, this one from Julianne Moore, who was asked by an "Entertainment Tonight" interviewer if she would get plastic surgery.  She replied:
 

"I think it's insane!  I really, really do.  I think we're promoting this idea of a face that doesn't look like a face - that doesn't look like a person, and that becomes the standard of beauty, and the people think, 'What's wrong with my face?'  I have two kids, and I'm at this one place in my life where I don't want to look like I did when I was 22.  It wouldn't match where I am in my life.  There are things that are more important than how we look."
 

What a great quote!  Sad to say, though, if you're a Hollywood actress, you're no longer 22 and your looks match your age, where you'll probably be in your life is in the Unemployment line.
 
 

March 24, 2004

Sorry to go so long without an update, but I've been very sick for the past week and swilling cup after cup of Theraflu (most over the counter remedies do nothing for me, but Theraflu actually helped...Please send commercial endorsement fee to me, c/o this website).  Anyway, I'm finally feeling a bit better, so here are a couple of stories for you...

Tonight on "American Idol" (one of the inspirations for writing "My Ship Has Sailed"), Matt Rogers was voted out.  He wasn't one of the best singers, but he wasn't the worst this week.  The important thing for our purposes is that he was  the oldest  singer, having just sneaked in by having his 25th birthday right after he passed the auditions.  So naturally, he had to scram.  There can't be an American Idol who's been on the planet for a quarter of a century!!  That's why Simon Cowell always expresses to contestants that they were dull or lackluster by saying that they "seemed old."

I will never rest until "American Idol" does away with that stupid maximum age limit.  I still insist that the winner could be someone older than 24, but we'll never know that until they allow someone older than 24 to enter.  Also, until they find someone over 24 who doesn't sound like a bagful of cats when "singing."

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Crack out your hankies: Reuters reports that supermodels may soon be hurting for work. Glamour is the latest women's magazine to replace cover models with celebrities.  The editor said readers can't relate to models, because they seem unreal: "six feet tall, 95 pounds and genetically-blessed."  Despite their wealth, fame and beauty, celebrities seem more real because readers know, for instance, about Drew Barrymore's struggles with booze and her weight, or J-Lo's marital problems (of course, we're also sick of J-Lo's marital problems, but never mind).

The article doesn't mention that thanks to PhotoShop software, Drew Barrymore can now look 6 feet tall and 95 pounds.  Plus, all the really famous supermodels are over 30 now, so who'd want to look at them?

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Finally today, in a victory for Jurassic-era supermodels everywhere, comes word that Ultimo lingerie has signed Rod Stewart's ex-wife Rachel Hunter (a doddering 34, which is 117 in model years) to a $1.7 million contract.  Making it extra delicious is that they chose her over Penny Lancaster, Rod's current younger trophy girlfriend.  Hey, it's not children's lingerie.

I guess they saw Rachel in this month's Playboy and thought, "Boy, that old hag would look really hot if she had on some lingerie!"
 
 
 

March 17, 2004

The home renovations are just about done, and homelife is finally returning to normal, but I've still been swamped recently.  The last show at Django SOLD OUT (Yay!), and the club has booked us to return on Sunday, April 25, so please spread the word and tell your friends!  I'm working on some new material, and possibly a new song, if we have time to perfect it before then.  Also, we talked to Django about the problem with the food last time (they didn't expect such a big crowd and ran low), and they assured us that now that they know what to expect, it won't be repeated.  I promise, if they run out of food during the next show, I will stop in mid-song and order low-carb Subway wraps delivered.

And now, some fun news items for you to explore...

It's impossible to write jokes these days because no sooner do you make a joke than it becomes an actual news item.  Remember the joke from my last posting, in which I suggested we try to find a way to stop aging by equipping people with pause buttons?  Well, five days later, up popped this headline:

"Science Wants to Pause the Biological Clock"

Of course, this is mostly about prolonging fertility, but if they can stop that clock, maybe they can stop all the rest of them.  You'll look so youthful, your baby will never suspect that you gave birth to him at the age of 93.

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From the "Do Not Attempt To Adjust Your TV" department comes this story about something we noticed while watching the Oscarcast: that a lot of movie stars seem to have started bathing in vats of self-tanning cream.  The deep orange phosphorescence of Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock did not escape today's eagle-eyed fashion mavens.  E! Network fashion director Elycia Rubin said that between their golden skins and frosted makeup, some stars are starting to resemble creamed donuts (Charlize Theron made up to resemble a donut: it's Homer Simpson's erotic dream).  One celebrity makeup artist said it's not good when your first thought is "Whoa, she's tan!"  And Cosmo's beauty director said the stars seem to be getting "oranger and darker."

It does seem a tad overdone when Charlize Theron is the darkest African-American in the room.  Still, the spray-on tan look is healthier for your skin than sun-bathing, and it's probably not going away for awhile.  Nobody in Hollywood wants the Oscar to look more gold-plated than they do.

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Perhaps because of the success of "Extreme Makeover" (or just because of their own cattiness), celebrity magazines and tabloids have become obsessed with bad plastic surgery of the stars.  Last week, I was standing in a check-out line and noticed the covers of four magazines side-by-side that all featured variations on the same cruel theme.  The Enquirer mocked celebrities caught at the beach showing cellulite, the Star had before-and-after shots of bad celebrity cosmetic surgery, the National Examiner had horrifying photos of actresses caught in public without makeup (what were they thinking?!!), and US Weekly had this cover headline: "Botox: Who's had it, and who hasn't...yet."  This was illustrated with photos of Madonna ("frozen, with her eyes wide open...") and Jennifer Aniston, who was quoted as saying she hasn't had Botox but she could sure use it (well, obviously, the poor old crone.)

If you'd like to see an example of this on the Internet (either to condemn it or to revel in the foolishness of rich beautiful people), here is a link to a story in the same jugular vein, from the British tabloid, The Sun.  In this case, they are mocking famous women who've had bad breast implant surgery.  You know the type: bigger than beach balls, or so fake they look like two colanders embedded under the skin, or the type that are set far apart and go off in two directions, like Marty Feldman's eyeballs.

If these women weren't celebrities, nobody would delight in their physical imperfections or bad surgical procedures, but because they're famous, it's open season.  People now slow down and gawk at celebrity surgical blunders the way they do at car wrecks.

The Star also ran a feature on actresses who look unbelievably good "for their age."  (Of course, their age is always noted.)  The idea: that these women look "too good to be true."

Actresses can't win. They either let aging take its course or give in to a plastic surgery overhaul, which can turn out good or bad.  No matter what they do, their looks are picked apart.  It's either, "Wow!  I wonder who her plastic surgeon is?" or "Oh my GOD!! I wonder who her plastic surgeon is!!"

Years ago, one of my husband's favorite writers, Merle Kessler (who writes under the name Ian Sholes) said, "Athletes, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for other people's amusement."  It's sad to admit, but I'm beginning to think that actresses may have to be added to that list.

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I hate to leave you on a down note, so here is my feel-good headline of all time:

"Texans Get Younger Every Year"

As if we don't have enough people moving to Texas already!  Actually, it's just a story about how the Texas population under age 14 is growing, but for a minute there, it made me very happy to be a Texan.
 
 
 

March 9, 2004

Sorry to go so long without an update, but it's been bedlam at our house.  We've having extensive remodeling done to the bathrooms and back yard, and everything is turned upside down.  My computer was unplugged and pulled away from a wall that had to be replastered, things are piled up everywhere, and there was a bathtub in the hallway and a disconnected toilet sitting in the middle of my husband Pat's home office.  He said if it had only been connected, it would have been quite convenient, but as it was, it was just another thing to trip over.  Anyway, I swear I am working on a newsletter and scheduling another public show of "My Ship Has Sailed" at Django, but for now, here are a few news stories you might enjoy...
 

One of my pet peeves is people whose ultimate dream is to retire at 50  (Why? As George Burns said, "The day you retire is the day you start dying.  I can't die; I'm booked.")  That's why it was such sad news to learn that one of our greatest movie stars, one who appears so strong and vital and who still does his own stunts, is packing it in at 50.  I refer, of course, to Godzilla.

Toho Films of Tokyo has decided to make one more movie to celebrate the giant lizard's 50th birthday, then forcibly retire him (wonder who's gonna tell him?)   But there's a chance Godzilla won't have to spend all the rest of his days stomping around the golf course, since Toho would not rule out a comeback in the future.   Godzilla could be one of those freakish creations of science that retires and refuses to leave, like Cher on her Eternal Farewell Tour.

Still, now that he's over 50, it'll be almost impossible for him to find work again.  Maybe he could do commercials: "When I was younger, I could devour Tokyo and wash it down with the Kirin brewery, but now, I swallow one little subway car and I'm breathing fire all night!  Thank goodness for Mylanta!"...

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Thanks to plastic surgery, we no longer have to join Godzilla in looking like an aging reptile.  Reuters reports that a survey by Abbey Bank found that almost one in 10 people in Great Britain want or have already had plastic surgery.  Women most want breast enlargements, while men want nose jobs.  Of most interest to the bank, nearly a quarter of those wanting to go under the knife were willing to spend up to 20,000 pounds ($36,500 US) to look young and attractive, and the same percentage would happily borrow money from the bank to do it.  (Or from their kids' college fund.)

Their plan is to turn out attractive enough to marry somebody rich and pay off the loan.

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Speaking of plastic surgery, this story from MSNBC describes some of the great strides being made in developing the perfect fake breast to replace leaky silicone implants.  They range from titanium implants (I thought Pamela Anderson already had those) to the most promising of all: gummy breasts!  These are implants filled with leak-resistant cohesive silicone gel with a consistency similar to that of gummy bears (seems like most women would prefer chocolate-filled, but never mind).   The gummy boobs come in three flavors: orange, cantaloupe and watermelon.  No, wait: those are the sizes.

One surgeon said they come close to the "perfect implant" in terms of durability, biocompatibility and natural shape.  Because what could be more natural than to have two bags of gummy bears in your boobs?

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If she's not flat broke, then Margaret Christie of Dundee, England, might be interested in buying a pair of those gummy breast implants.  She was upset that her wedding dress didn't make her look voluptuous enough, so she took the dressmaker to Sheriff's Court to demand her 250 pounds ($465 US) back.  But the sheriff had her try it on and ruled the problem wasn't the dress, it was her flat chest.  He said, "Unfortunately, she did not have the necessary basic ingredients for having voluptuousness."  The sheriff thought she was making mountains out of molehills and suggested she try tape or a Wonderbra.  She replied that both suggestions were offensive and sexist, called his ruling disgusting and ridiculous, and vowed to appeal.  Good luck finding someone she appeals to in that dress.

While Margaret decides whether to appeal to "Judge Judy" or "Extreme Makeover," any men reading this should take a moment to absorb a valuable lesson from Margaret's reaction to the verdict:  This is why you never say "yes" when a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?"

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Here's some good news for people whose memories are getting a bit foggy with age:  Tim Tully, a genetics professor at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in New York, has developed a drug that helps improve memory.  It's about to be tested on humans, and if it proves safe and effective, it could be on sale within five years.  Tully says it could be used by students, actors who need to memorize lines, or middle-aged people studying languages or trying to learn to play musical instruments (or just remember where they put their car keys.)   It's called HT-0712, but it's been nicknamed "Viagra of the mind," I guess for people who can't remember "HT-0712."  I suggest you take both Viagra and the memory pill: not only will you be able to do it, but you'll never forget how.

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Finally, here is a fascinating website that I just had to share with you.  They took eight photos of the same woman at different ages throughout her life and used morphing technology to transition smoothly between them.  You can watch her age 69 years, from a young girl to an elderly lady, in just a few seconds.  If you're visiting this site, that's probably your worst nightmare!  Most touching, with all the changes, her shy, sweet smile remains the same throughout her life.

Know what I like best about this site?  The pause button.  Just click "Pause" and all the ravages of aging magically stop!  Think about it: all the billions of dollars we spend on cosmetics and plastic surgery to slow down the aging process are really just a search for that elusive pause button.  Maybe we should invest that money in computer research instead and actually find a way to install a pause button on each and every one of us.  That could solve this problem permanently.
 
 
 

March 3, 2004

Just a quick story, but one I have to pass along.  Dick Clark, who is 74, is being sued for age discrimination.  Game show producer Ralph Andrews, who is 76 and apparently not in on Dick Clark's secret of how to look like a teenager for six decades, approached Clark for a job.  He claims Clark wrote back a rejection letter wishing him well, but saying that the last producers he hired were aged 27 and 30, that TV is now being run by the "next generation" (well, in Dick's case, the generation after the generation after the next one) and that "people our age are considered dinosaurs."  Dick probably explained how 74 is fine, but 76 is too darn old; and then he had to run, because he's already preparing to host "New Year's Rockin' Eve 2005."

Personally, I think Dick Clark has to hire young producers so he can drink their blood and stay eternally young.
 
 

March 1, 2004

I'd love to comment on all the new faces at the Oscars (as Jay Leno said, they're the same old actors, they just had new faces), but I had a root canal today, so no deep commentary.  Just a couple of stories, then I'm crawling away...

From the "Chemical Preservatives" Dept., gerontologist David Demko wrote an article for Blender magazine called "When Will Your Favorite Rock Star Die?," predicting the lifespans of various rock musicians.  But he had to admit that he is baffled by one mystery: he doesn't know why Keith Richards is still alive.  Demko said Richards "defies all conventional wisdom."  He's 60 and still going strong, but judging by his history, habits and lifestyle, actuarial tables predict that he should have died at 52.  I suspect that he did, it's just that nobody's told him yet.

Either that, or the actuarial tables don't take into account the deal that he and Mick made with Satan.

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As I say in my show, "You didn't think this was just for women, did you?"  Transform Medical Group, a leading British private cosmetic surgery provider, says that one in ten plastic surgeries in the UK is now done on a man (that man: Michael Jackson!)

The number has doubled over the past two years, with nose jobs, liposuction and eye-bag removal the top requests, although tightening flabby buttocks is also popular.  One surgeon said there's been a generational shift and men in their 40s are no longer embarrassed to spend money on their looks, whether it's designer clothes, expensive haircuts, plastic surgery or gym memberships.

Of course, they never usethe gym memberships, which is why they need liposuction on their flabby buttocks.

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Finally, a good turn of events for all those who are still traumatized by their horrid high school yearbook pictures. Wisconsin has passed a new law prohibiting schools from signing exclusive contracts with yearbook photographers.  It's meant to foster competition and prevent monopolies, but the best news for students is that they no longer have to settle for a bad yearbook photo from the school photographer, but can provide their own.  And thanks to PhotoShop, every high school student will now look like either Josh Harnett or Britney Spears.

The bad news: no matter how good your yearbook photo, 20 years from now, your kids will still think you looked like a dork.
 
 
 
 

Feb. 27, 2004

We're still getting some wonderful comments on the Django show last week.  We've had interest from bookers in California and Las Vegas, and Django would like us to come back soon.  As soon as we can fit it into the schedule, I shall return!

Meanwhile, I'm running all over the place today, but here are a few news items you might find amusing...

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Here is a very interesting article about dating among people over 50.  Apparently, someone just realized that people over 50 who are divorced or never married don't just hang around the house watching Lawrence Welk reruns with their 35 cats, but actually have social lives and sex lives and go out on -- gasp! -- dates!  In fact, a spokesman for one matchmaking company says that group "is humongous, and it's been ignored for so long" (Tell me about it, pal!).

I'll have more to say about this later, but for now, I'll just direct you to the story and note that if you are a mature adult looking for a great date show, I'd recommend a little act called "My Ship Has Sailed."  Perry Stewart of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram just referred to it as a "dynamite revue," and who am I to argue with an expert?
 

This is a fascinating story about an ancient language used only by women.  It was developed in China during a time when only men were allowed to learn to read and write.  Women invented their own written language called "nushu" (that means "women's script," not that they only used it to talk about new shoes), passed it down from mother to daughter, and no man was ever allowed to learn it.  The closest thing we have to it in modern America would be the writings in Cosmo.
 

As I say in my show, "Fashion is important," and here's further proof.  William Rhode III, 53, of Paterson, New Jersey, is facing child endangerment charges after he allegedly showed up at Holy Spirit Catholic School clad in a diaper and pink stretch pants, and requested a job application.  When his request was denied, he pooped in his diaper, then fled on foot.  Not the most impressive job interview ever, but someone probably told him that if he wanted to get hired at 53, he'd have to pass as someone much younger.
 

Finally, from the "Miracles of Plastic Surgery" department, officials at the Miss Universe-China headquarters in New York ruled that Chen Lili, a Chinese man who had a sex-change operation last November, may not compete for a spot in China's Miss Universe competition.  He would have been the first (known) transsexual ever to compete.  I don't know what their problem is.  He probably hadn't had any more plastic surgery than most of the other contestants.
 
 

Feb. 24, 2004

Many thanks to all who came to my 2/22/04 dinner show at Django on the Parkway in Addison!  This was my first performance of MY SHIP HAS SAILED since going on hiatus at the end of 2003.  (I was stunned by the sudden loss of my mother last fall and had to continue at the Ruby Room for a run of several weeks.  Doing my show actually helped me get through a very difficult time, but when the run was over, I felt I needed some quiet, “alone” time.)  My return show at Django was a SELLOUT, and I couldn’t have asked for a better audience than you.

One of the most enthusiastic tables was that of a local, extremely highly-regarded cosmetic surgeon and his office staff.  (Who better to appreciate songs like “Plastic Surgery,” “Frozen,” and an aria in praise of Dr. Perricone?)  The Red Hats were out in force, as were a delegation from Curves and the ladies from Spark!  VIP guests included representatives from ewomennetwork.com.  We even had some North Texas Skeptics – and I can prove this to anyone who doesn’t believe me.  Of course, there were also some neighborhood friends of mine.  (That’s right, I’m still Laura from the Block.)  All in all, this was a fun, lively crowd that made me feel instantly at home in a new place.

This club was designed to be the best showcase in the area for live musical performers, and it must surely be!  It’s a big room, with an exotic, sophisticated look as well as great lights and sound.  The chef even worked to make the buffet diet-friendly for those watching calories or carbs. (The chef himself said he was on a low-carb diet!)  Unfortunately, all the low-carb stuff got scarfed up right away, leaving a few people at the end in search of some non-pasta sustenance.  I apologize for the problem, and we’ll make sure that does not  happen again next time.  As my husband Pat says, "Behind every glamorous showbiz event, there's some poor guy having to worry whether there's enough roast chicken."

I’m scouting a variety of venues for MY SHIP HAS SAILED (any ideas?), but the calendar will likely include a monthly-or-so Sunday dinner show at Django.  If you saw my show at the Ruby Room, I hope you’ll come to this exciting new club, bring your friends, and catch it again.  If you haven’t yet had a chance to see it, I hope to meet you at an upcoming show!

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And now, the news...

In MY SHIP HAS SAILED, I talk about “the age thing” specifically as it affects the music business.  I explain that I was inspired to do the show after watching “American Idol” and realizing the contestants can be male, female, any race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, height or weight.  They can be disabled.  They can even have a rap sheet.  But they can't be over 24 years old.  That’s when I realized that age is the last big culturally-acceptable bias.

This news story confirms my assertion.  A long-running British band, the Alarm, which had a hit back in the ‘80s with “68 Guns,” was considered by radio programmers to be too old for airplay.  They were in their 40s, and their careers were seemingly over.  Well, they decided to make a point.  They cut a new punk-style song called “45RPM” and released it under the name “The Poppyfields.”  They even produced a music video – but it wasn’t their band who appeared.  They got some local teenagers in a band called The Wayriders to lip-synch the song.  Guess what?  The song has cracked the Top 30 and is rising.  My guess is that it stood out because people thought, “Wow!  Listen to these guys! They sound just like the Alarm, but they’re young and hot!”  Their only mistake was not hiring a band of teenage girls in low rider jeans and nipple medallions.  It could’ve been #1 by now.

Alarm singer Mike Peters, 44, said they pulled the prank to prove that the music industry is more concerned with image than with the musical value of songs.  No kidding.  Of course, now that they know the lead singer is 44, it will only be played in nursing homes.

Okay, you’ve heard Clay Aiken sing.  (If not, get out there and buy his new CD.)  He has a phenomenal voice and is already having a huge impact on the music industry.  One thing I’m loving about his popularity is that people of all ages – from kids to grandmothers to those in between – appreciate him.  Plus, he seems like such a nice, unassuming guy.  Given his small-town circumstances, it’s unlikely that he would’ve vaulted to the top the way he did without appearing on “American Idol.”

Just imagine for a moment that Clay Aiken is living in his hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina.  He spends most of his time working with autistic children and singing with his church choir.  He hears about a singing competition called “American Idol,” but, darn it...he’s 25 years old.

I think that’s all I need to say.

***********************************************

On a positive note, did you happen to catch Oprah’s “Pop Superstar Challenge”?  Praise to Oprah for recognizing that talent not only exists in the over-24s, but can grow stronger and richer with age.  She had her own singing competition, and anyone could send in a tape.  The prize – besides the exposure, of course -- was a recording contract.  Eight finalists were chosen from among the thousands of tapes sent in.  I think the oldest finalist turned out to be 39 years old.

All eight competed on Oprah’s show, and I’ll have to say that the level of talent was higher than that of this season’s “American Idol.”  (By the way, the contestants also didn’t have that snotty, immature attitude so typical of AI auditioners.)  The TV audience voted to narrow the field to three, who performed again about a week later.  Another vote determined the winner:  LaShell Griffin, an unbelievably talented woman.  She has one of the strongest, most beautiful, flexible, and emotionally evocative gospel/R&B voices I’ve ever heard.  She’s spent her adult life at home with her five kids.  I still can’t get over the way she got up on that stage and soared!

LaShell is 36.

When Oprah asked her what she had learned from being in the contest, she said, "Sometimes, society can put you in a box due to your age and limit what you can achieve.  And I've learned to stay out of the box."

Until next time, let's all stay out of that box.  And while we're at it, let's push the envelope, too!
 
 
 

Feb. 23, 2004

I'm still winding down from the Django show and will write more about that ASAP, but here are two news items I just had to share with you...

It's truly amazing how many ways people have found to use Botox, but this one really takes the cake.  The Toronto Globe and Mail reports that a growing number of doctors are using Botox for breastlifts.  It all began when Botox was injected into pectoral muscles that pull the shoulders forward, to paralyze them and improve posture.  But women noticed that once they stood up straighter, their breasts stood out more and seemed higher and perkier.  (So that's why moms are always nagging their daughters to "stand up straight!")  There is another eye-catching side effect: the Botox deadens neurotransmitters that make nipples retract, so the patient's nipples remain semi-erect (or maybe that's just because they live in Canada).

Some doctors insist that they only do this procedure to improve posture, but one admitted that no men ever come in and ask for Botox to "improve their posture."  (Well, John Kerry does.)

It's interesting that Botox started out being used to give women stunned, staring facial expressions, and now, it's doing that to the men who look at them.

******************************************

And here's more good news:  A study conducted by a British think tank for GE Life pension planners found that life is getting much better for people over 50.  It estimates that by 2030, the average lifespan will have increased to 87.3 years.  Computers and flex time will allow people to work at home into their 80s, so they'll have money for vacations and sports.  Their beds will monitor their health, their showers will adjust their water temperature automatically, robotic chefs will make their food, advances in wheelchairs and prosthetics will keep them mobile, and because of their affluence, marketers and the media will court them.  Of course, all the models in those Depends and Polident ads will be under 25, but you can't have everything.

Why do I suspect that the most affluent people of all in the future will be plastic surgeons?
 
 
 

Feb. 20, 2004

In my show, I sing about being “Invisible.”  If you're a woman over, say, 35 or 40, you've probably had the experience of walking into a room and being…well, totally ignored.  This happens even to highly attractive women.  When it starts happening, some women just say, “To hell with it,” comfort themselves with Almond Joys (why else would they be called Almond JOYS?), dress in baggy jeans and XXL sweaters, and focus all their attention on their kids and/or grandkids.

Others pose nude.

One such desperate attention-seeker recently turned up on the “Oprah” show, during an episode called “The Worst Mistake Of My Life.”  Nonie Reynolds, a high school counselor (“dropout prevention specialist”) and the mother of three boys, said she was ---aha! --“feeling invisible” after turning 50.  “Is this all there is?” she lamented.  “I wanted validation that I was still okay.”

She saw a classified ad calling for over-40 models to pose for “art shows.”  When she got to the studio, the photographer started shooting relatively tasteful boudoir-style poses, but after several hours was able to maneuver Nonie into shocking, hard-core gynecological sluttiness.  The next day, the light dawned on what she had done, but when she went back to the photographer to get her pictures back (hahahahahahaha!!!!), it was too late.  They ended up in a porno mag that specializes in lewd pictures of women over 40.

How does this happen?  Oprah pressed her for an answer, but Nonie didn't really have one for her.  At least she didn't try to make excuses.  She could've said, “The photographer got me drunk,” or “The photographer drugged my Diet Coke,” or “The photographer waved a pocket watch before my eyes and hypnotized me into thinking I was Paris Hilton,” but she didn't.  She just said that, wow, this was the worst mistake she had ever made.

Indeed.  She lost her job at the high school over this, of course, and she said she thought her firing was appropriate.  I agree.  The woman did just about everything short of posing with farm animals.

Naturally, though, I am left with some unanswered questions.  First of all, how did the school administrators ever find out she was in this magazine?  Does the assistant principal have a subscription?  Maybe the football coach?  For that matter, maybe the girls' gym teacher?  What does the school board have to say about that?  Or did one of the kids bring it to class for “Show And Tell”?  Had little Jason found it under Daddy's side of the bed, paged through it till he got to page 45, and then shrieked, “Miss Reynolds???!!!” ?

The questions keep coming:  Aren't most 50-year-olds (and even most 20-year-olds, I would hope) savvy enough to see through the strategies of some sleazebag shutterbug?  Is the thought of being “invisible” so painful that a woman starting to feel this way will do literally ANYTHING to get noticed?

And, finally, getting back to my original point about feeling invisible:  Why don't men (at least men under 70) notice a good-looking 40-year-old woman?  Why don't they find her attractive in a sexual way?  I guess a few men prefer to look at nude pictures of women over 40, but “older-woman” porn strikes me as a specialty product that's designed to reach the hard-core “perv” market, like fetish porn and even (shudder) child porn.  After all, “normal” men want to look at pictures of 20-year-olds.

I'm not here to defend any kind of porn, but to discuss it as a reflection of our society.  Why does a “mainstream” nudie magazine like Playboy feature, almost exclusively, centerfolds who are young enough (barely) to be my daughter?  If Hef could legally do it, you know he'd be using pictures of girls even younger – and bedding them, too.  Girls are being sexualized at younger and younger ages.  Look at the fashion industry – it wants models as young as it can possibly find them, and yet fashion photography tries harder than ever to shock and arouse.  Little girls with breast implants, exotic makeup and smooth, naked skin are the turn-on.  And the real, exciting, experienced, vital, interesting, gorgeous grownup women find themselves forgotten, ignored…

Invisible.

I think the culture can change, and I'm trying to do my part.  In the meantime, don't do anything desperate.  Don't “pull a Nonie,” especially if you work in the public school system.  But do lay off the Almond Joys.  Take care of your body.  Do things you love. Wear clothes that make you feel exciting and wonderful.  And remember – any man who doesn't notice how great you are is not worth having.

**********************************************

I'll leave you with a quick news item...

If you've noticed that "Today" show host Katie Couric is sporting awfully long bangs ("She bangs! She bangs!"), Women's Wear Daily claims it's more than a hair fashion choice.  "Today" is about to switch to high-definition TV, and WWD claims that Katie is worried about her age lines and is planning a brow lift, and the bangs are to hide the surgery.  I guess once all TV goes hi-def, every woman will be wearing her hair like Cousin Itt.

One question does occur to me: Why is her browlift so hush-hush?  We got to see her COLONOSCOPY, for gosh sakes!  Oh right, I forgot: a browlift is embarrassing.
 
 

Feb. 17, 2004

Big run-through with Brian today to get ready for the Django show.  That plus thousands of other details (promotions, distributing posters, lining up sound and video people, etc. etc.) have kept me from writing a full update, but here are a few tidbits from the news to tide you over...

The big story, of course (and a terrifying turn of events it is) is that New York City's tax panel has suggested taxing cosmetic surgery procedures, such as Botox and breast enlargements.  They say it's one of America's fastest-growing industries, with the number of procedures more than quadrupling from 1997 to 2001, and they estimate the tax could add up to $62 million a year to city coffers (from Jocelyn Wildenstein alone).  Opponents are arguing that doctors will just start doing the procedures in New Jersey instead, which would allow Jersey to change its state motto to "Come To New Jersey and Get Your Face Rearranged!"  Seems to me that before they start trying to pay off the deficit on the backs of women who are just trying to improve their fronts, they should try giving the city budget a little liposuction first.

Speaking of huge boobs, police in Italy are searching for a woman who had a plastic surgery clinic install the biggest silicone breast implants available.  She then somehow managed to skip out without tipping over, and without paying the $9,500 surgery bill (or, I presume, the tax).  She used a fake name, but police hope that a photograph and her unusually large bust will make her stand out in the crowd.  They're staking out all the chiropractors' offices, and they've asked Italian men to be on the lookout for a woman with huge breasts, as if they really had to ask.

If they catch her, they plan to charge a cover and a two-drink minimum to watch the police lineup.

*************************************

In celebrity news, that old hag Nicole Kidman has just enjoyed her first experience with the shattering ritual that eventually befalls every actress: being told that she's "too old for the role."  In this case, the chronologically-challenged Kidman was rejected for the female lead in a movie of the John le Carre thriller "The Constant Gardener" for being too long in the tooth at the ripe old age of 36 (I guess at that age, she should retire and take up constant gardening).

Granted, the character is supposed to be 22, but what must've really hurt is that the director passed over Nickie for her Aussie pal Naomi Watts, who is a fresh-faced 35, and therefore, 12 whole months closer to being 22.  Sadly, Naomi passed, and the current frontrunner is Kate Winslet, who is 28 and might find it even easier to pass for 22.   (This movie must be produced by the creators of "Beverly Hills 90210," the only people in Hollywood who actually cast people way too old for the roles).

Nobody has yet asked the question, "Why does the lead character have to be 22?"   Oh wait, I forgot: it's because Hollywood knows that once you're over 22, nobody will ever want to look at you again.  Just ask poor, desiccated Nicole Kidman.

**************************************

As I say in my show, considering all the age bias we have to deal with in our society, I consider plastic surgery to be your friend.  The trick is just not to overdo it.  You want to keep looking good without letting the process become obvious; to make people think, "Doesn't she look fresh and beautiful," not "Whoa, her face has been remodeled more times than Marlo Thomas's apartment!"

Unfortunately, a lot of celebrities take it too far (Michael Jackson, anyone?) which has led to a thriving community of websites that do nothing but chronicle bad celebrity plastic surgery, examining every scar in excruciating and dehumanizing detail.  These sites, along with the tabloids, have the same sort of sickening allure as a car wreck: you know it's horrible, but you can't look away.  The latest victims are Farrah Fawcett, whose once-noble and prominent nose seems to have imploded like the Sphinx's, and conversely, Madonna, who apparently got a great facelift and showed up at the Grammys looking so youthful that nobody talked about how good she looked, but about how brilliant her plastic surgeon must be (she can't win, and I don't mean a Grammy).  Click on their names to follow the links, but I warn you, the Farrah link is not pleasant.

Finally, since I hate to leave you in a depressed mood, try reading this story.  I guarantee you it will cheer you up.  It certainly did me...  (*NOTE: Sorry, the link expired, but it was a story about the health benefits of eating chocolate.)

*******************************************************
 

Feb. 9, 2004

Sorry it's been awhile since the last update, but preparing for the Django show and being in the V-Day show has us really running.  V-Day was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had in a theater, with the warmth of the cast members almost (but not quite) overcoming the lack of actual heating in the theater. I'll write more about this as soon as I have a spare moment, but for now, here are a few items just to bring you up to date on the news.

First up, even though I hate boxing, I sort of have to admire George Foreman.  He already set an age record by winning the heavyweight belt at 45 (or was it a Sans-a-belt?), and now he's planning another comeback at 55.  He's like the Nolan Ryan of large men beating each other into paste.

Foreman said it's time people stopped being afraid of being 50 or 60 and worrying about their medical exam results all the time, and he wants to show them what can be done at that age.  He started working out on his 55th birthday last month with a goal of getting down to 225 pounds and said he may have to cut out desserts to drop another 50 pounds.  This could delay the rollout of his new "George Foreman Donut Grill."

More power to George Foreman, but I have a feeling that Mike Tyson will eventually break his record.  The way he spends money, he'll have to keep boxing until he's 90.

***********************************

Cue up "She Blinded Me With Science": The journal Nature reports that University of Tokyo scientists are using stem cells to try to make women's breasts bigger (and I'll bet a lot of men who object to using stem cells to help paraplegiacs walk will be all for this).

The article says that plastic surgeons often use fat from other parts of the body to fill wrinkles, but they haven't put it in breasts because the cells can die and harden, interfering with mammograms.  But the Japanese researchers think that if they mix a woman's fat with stem cells and put it in her breasts, the stem cells will keep the fat cells alive and growing.  Doctors say this would beat implants because it's a natural substance from your own body, and women are usually happy to donate a couple of pounds of fat from their thighs to make their breasts bigger.  (But -- oh no! -- most of them have already had it liposuctioned out!)

So they're taking fat from women's thighs and putting it into their breasts.  Why didn't God think of this in the first place?

Of course, if the fat continues growing at the same rate it does in thighs, you could end up with size 65 EEE breasts.  Not that any man would complain about that.

*************************************

Finally, here is a very interesting essay by Julia Baird in the Sydney, Australia, Morning Herald, which ties in to my thoughts on John Kerry and Botox (see below).  She talks about how plastic surgery is becoming routine maintenance even for men, but some people are overdoing it so much, we're in danger of forgetting what normal people look like as we all chase an impossible standard of physical perfection.  One line which piqued my interest was the mention of her friend who is thinking of getting liposuction on her big toe, which does seem to be a tad extreme.

Unless, of course, she wears open-toed shoes.  Then she might want to get lipo on all ten of those fat little piggies.
 
 
 

Feb. 2, 2004

For those of you who have been keeping up with the campaign for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, the answer to the BIG QUESTION is yes.

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Extreme Makeover” to assume that presidential hopeful John Kerry definitely has had Botox and/or a forehead lift in recent days.  Judging from my own observations and the “before-and-after” photos on the Matt Drudge website, I’d venture to say he’s had even more than that done, although it’s hard to figure out when a busy campaigner like him would be able to schedule the necessary recovery time.  (Did he ever drop out of sight for a couple of weeks?  I don’t know.)  Maybe just for now, he’s got one of those temporary “face lifters” hooked on under his massive helmet of hair, to lift his sagging jowls.  I mean it -- that hair is huge!  He could easily hide a few pounds of skin in there!  Anything could be in there!

Okay, so he’s improved his face cosmetically.  The question now is, what to think about this.  Kerry’s new look brings up a number of issues.

First, should a presidential candidate have plastic surgery?  If his face frightens small children (and the “old” Kerry face certainly did), I say he should.  Suppose Kerry actually did become president, and somehow he distinguished himself enough for his face to be put on our money.  Children would cry whenever they saw money, develop a phobia, and grow up with no incentive to earn it.  They’d have to use credit cards all the time to avoid looking at his face, and then Americans would go even farther into debt than they are now.

And while he was in office, he’d look so old and scary – oops, I’m repeating myself – that people wouldn’t even watch his press conferences.  It’s hard enough to get people to watch presidential press conferences now – or even to have them televised.  People might become even less engaged in the political process than they are now.  That would be bad for America.

Of course, there’s the question of whether he’d even get elected with a face reminiscent of a shar pei’s.  Shar peis are from another part of the world.  They’re un-American.  Kerry already has trouble because he looks vaguely French.  And remember: age is the last big culturally-acceptable bias.  Voters like youth!  They associate it with tireless energy and vigor!

Never mind that young John F. Kennedy was riddled with then-unpublicized health problems and could barely stand without a back brace.  He looked healthy and vital.  (As we all know, it’s more important to look maahhvelous than to feel maahhvelous.)  He was young, and, wow, his wife was even younger and extremely stylish, and he had that great hair (hair that John “F.” Kerry is obviously trying to emulate), and he was the father of adorable young children.  People loved that!  A saggy old candidate running against that would definitely be at a disadvantage.

Second, is there a double standard for men and women?  Definitely yes.  Hillary Clinton can get nipped and tucked, and have ten airbrushers working overtime for the cover of her book, and everyone says, “Doesn’t Hillary look fabulous?”  As long as the effect is totally natural, a woman in politics can have it done, and – especially if the interviewer likes her – she probably won’t even be asked about it.

On the other hand, if it looks artificial or overdone (Nancy Pelosi’s nickname of “the Botox Queen” comes to mind), she’ll be the subject of jokes, and I, as a professional comedy writer, will be forced to lead the pack.

But for a man, the issue is much more complicated.  To much of America, plastic surgery still isn’t seen as a “manly” thing to do.  “Vote For Me – I’m A Metrosexual” isn’t going to play.  I wish a male candidate could have plastic surgery and be open about it, but that day may not have arrived.

Which brings us to the third and most important question:  If a candidate for office – male or female -- has had plastic surgery or Botox, can that person lie and deny it?

No.  If Kerry has had it, he shouldn’t deny it.  His credibility is at stake.  Besides, it insults our intelligence.  A president – or a presidential candidate  -- should never lie about anything unless it relates directly to critical matters of national security.  (By the way, John Kerry had already misrepresented something else:  he denied that he’d had a medical problem, after he’d undergone treatment for prostate cancer.)  A president is not a movie star – what he  says matters.  (Are you listening, Barbra Streisand?)

Well, then, should the candidate tell the truth and say he’s had plastic surgery?

Again, the answer is no.  The issue of his or her plastic surgery is personal and none of anybody’s business.  Kerry’s answer should’ve been, “I think that question is irrelevant to my campaign for president.  If I’d had plastic surgery, I just wouldn’t say anything about it, so there’s really no point in asking.  Next question!”

That’s an answer I could respect.  We are owed no more comment than that.  Plastic surgery is not the same as a medical treatment for problems that might have an impact on an individual’s ability to serve.  It’s like Viagra – Bob Dole chose to tell all, but no candidate should be required to reveal something so irrelevant to his performance -- in office, that is.

None of this would be worth discussing if it weren’t for one thing:  the impact of not-so-good looks on our assessment of other people.  Yes, I’m saying that I blame the voters!  Drat those voters!  Sometimes I think we’re only marginally less primitive than our ancestors from the Middle Ages.  We still think that a weak chin means weakness of character.  A low forehead means lack of intelligence.  Protruding ears mean lack of sophistication.  Eyes too close together – better not trust that person!

But a big (albeit practiced) smile on an open, youthful, pleasing face can definitely win people over.  It can also fool them.  Perhaps we’re hard-wired to judge people this way, but if we can work to overcome racial bias, we can also start to notice the other ridiculous factors we subconsciously use to assess people.  “The age thing,” of course, is a huge part of that.  Until we, the voters, decide to focus exclusively on the important issues, candidates for office will have plastic surgery to look younger and more attractive, and I say that’s just fine.

***********************

I got an interesting e-mail this week, which the sender okayed me sharing (and if you'd like to offer comments on anything, too, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com)...
 

Hi Laura!
I am a local actress in my mid 30's. I am looking forward to going to your show!
I was reading your newsletter, and found the article in Bazaar, Bizarre, whatever, INSANE!!!
It reminded me of a recent article in O magazine along the same lines. A bunch of "stylists"
dictating fashion to the uneducated masses.
Can you believe that this article actually said that women over 40 should NOT wear blue
jeans?!!! They said it wasn't dignified.
I just couldn't believe it.
Along the same lines, I am pretty curvy, and I find that when I go to Dillard's or other upscale
dept. stores, where they have entire floors just for women's clothes, the curvy women are
relegated to the tiny far corner of the store where they have maybe two or three racks of
offensively florid fabric OR the "shameful mumu" as I like to call it.
It seems that curvaceous women aren't satisfied, and like to wear only ridiculously patterned
fabrics to accentuate their bodies, or maybe we all live in Hawaii?
Anyway, I just wanted to say "hi" and how much I admire the stand you are taking!

Christie Vela
 

Thanks very much, Christie, and welcome to the crusade!  While I don't have the exact same problem (one male reviewer of my show accused me of being "extremely thin," which I swear I'm not -- I'm just tall and lanky and always have been), I do often wonder whether some fashion designers have a secret vendetta against women.  I recently tried to buy a new pair of jeans and found that the jeans makers had decided that the only people to whom they want to sell their product are teenage Britney Spears wannabes.  About 90% of the jeans I found in the mall were cut so low that the zippers were only about an inch long.  From the back, you'd look like a plumber, and from the front, well...let's just say you'd better have a Brazilian wax job.  They were apparently meant to be held aloft by wishful thinking.

As far as the treatment of curvy women goes, clothes makers seem to have a really counterproductive attitude.  It's just good business to want to sell your products to as many people as possible and not alienate your customers, yet so many clothes only look good on fashion models, many of whom now come from a secret fashion model breeding farm on the Island of Dr. Moreau, where they create mutant hybrids from the DNA of Julie Newmar and a giraffe.

John Waters once noted a similar double standard among tabloids.  When they ran photos of their own readers, they very seldom looked like fashion models, to say the least.  Yet if Liz Taylor or some other celebrity put on an extra pound or two, they would run unflattering photos and vicious headlines mocking her weight.

On the other hand, it is possible to go too far in the other direction.  Check out this shocking story from the BBC about a society in Mauritania where plus-size women are so highly valued that little girls are sent to reverse "fat farms" and force-fed like French geese so they'll become better marriage prospects.  They make the assumption that round women come from prosperous families (here, it's the opposite: we assume that emaciated women come from prosperous families.  Paris Hilton, for example).  Also, I assume that in a land without plastic surgery, this is the only way to make women's breasts bigger.  See, there are worse things than plastic surgery.

*****************************

Finally, just when you thought reality shows couldn't possibly get any worse, leave it to Fox to "lower the bar" by announcing "The Littlest Groom," in which twelve female little people compete for a 4-foot-5-inch bachelor.  This might actually have been a positive blow against "heightism," except the producers threw a surprise at the women: halfway through the filming, a group of average-sized hot babes were suddenly brought in to compete with them.  (This bachelor must be super-sized in some other area.  Maybe his bank account).  Whoever came up with this idea should star in a reality show called "The Littlest Brain."

This cruel surprise was decried by an organization of little people, who said the women had been promised they would not be subjected to televised competition with taller women, purely for the purpose of trying to humiliate them.

The only person not complaining, of course, was the 4-foot-5-inch man whom all the tall women are fighting over.  He feels just like Tom Cruise.
 
 
 

Jan. 27, 2004

Several interesting news items have rolled in on the age and beauty front.

First up, if you think American women have a yen for anti-aging products, take a gander at this story from Japan.   A company called Noevir is selling a new "high-tech" anti-aging cream called Speciale that they claim contains bacteria, amino acids and extracts from the South American rubiaceae plant which prevent sun damage, wrinkles and aging.  But there's one eensy-weensy drawback: it costs 100,000 yen ($939 US) for a small 45-gram jar!  Noevir claims they use microscopic "nanotechnology" to make the cream.  They say the gap in dead skin cells is 50 nanograms, and the cream's ingredients are just 40 nanograms (leave it to the Japanese to make even skin cream smaller), which enables it to sink deeper into your skin.  Well, it certainly sinks deeper into your wallet, anyway.  If I were writing their slogan, I might suggest "Speciale: It takes years off your savings account!"

Next, as if you needed scientific proof, love really isn't blind.  A study by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery found that 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one feature on their partner's face.  (The angry, disappointed scowl, perhaps?)  But I'll bet if the women got bigger breasts, the men would be willing to overlook their facial imperfections.  Come to think of it, this study might be good news:  it's the first scientific proof ever that men actually look women in the face at all.

Finally, in what I hope is a good omen for my show's success, Diane Keaton won a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for "Something's Gotta Give," a wonderful (and in a big surprise to Hollywood, very profitable) movie about a romance between two adults over 50.  In accepting the award, she noted that her and Jack Nicholson's combined age is 125, which prompted a pained head shake from Nicholson.  Or maybe that was just the rhumatizz.

Coincidentally, 125 is also the combined age of Jack's last six girlfriends.
 
 

Jan. 23, 2004

Every so often, a news item pops up that reminds me of exactly why I wanted to write and perform "My Ship Has Sailed" in the first place, and this story is one of those.

It seems that the hip German fashion chain Takko needs to cut its staff due to low sales, so they put out a memo ordering managers to evaluate all Takko workers who are over age 50 "for their personal development and outward appearance."  Those who aren't fashionable and trendy enough will get the boot (I assume it's a kicky, spike-heeled boot).  Now, honestly, what chance do these poor employees have of being judged fashionable enough to keep their jobs?  Heck, just being over 50 is not fashionable!   Union officials were outraged, but management said they're trying to target customers age 20 to 45, and they won't buy clothes from people who look older and less trendy than them.

I can't help picturing the CEO of Takko wearing black leotards and tiny, black-rimmed glasses like Mike Myers' "Dieter" character on "Saturday Night Live," snapping at anyone over 50, "You haf become tiresome!"

I would suggest that if Takko's sales are low, maybe it's because they aren't interested in selling clothes to anyone over the age of 45.  Despite what you saw in the movie "Calendar Girls," older people do wear clothes.  I'm just astounded that trash-canning people over 50 for not being fashionable enough is their official, written policy.  Sure, it's the unofficial policy everywhere in the world, but everyone knows you never put it in writing!

Oh well, until the lawyers get involved, the best advice I can offer to Takko's over-50 employees is to spend your Christmas bonus on plastic surgery.  Either that, or spackle your face with an inch-thick coating of makeup and tell the boss you're a teenage Goth kid.
 
 

Jan. 20, 2004

I've noticed that lately, the fashion magazines have been big on dividing their readership into age categories for one purpose or another - to help them determine the right skincare, fragrance, hairstyle, snack food, whatever.   One recent example was in the December 2003 issue of Bazaar.  A short piece called "The Best Black Dress For You" actually dictates the type of black dress one should wear in one's 20s, 30s, 40s or 50+.  (By the way, have you noticed that all women from 50 on up are stuck in that one category, "50+"?  That means everyone from Diane Keaton to that Chechnyan woman who claims to be 122.)  Wearing the right style for your particular decade of life is VERY IMPORTANT!  It would be criminal to get this wrong, even by a couple of years, so, as a service to my readers, I've included some key points to keep in mind:

20s:  "Fashion is yours to experiment with."  Have fun with plunging V-necks, revealing slits.  Be playful.  Be "of the moment."

30s:  "It's time to get more serious."  "Pick edgy but less showy silhouettes."  "Tone it down a tad."

40s:  "Sophistication and simplicity should reign."  Recommendations:  a straight, knee-length dress, modest high-neck cuts balanced with sexy cap sleeves.

50+:  Go for "grande-dame status."  (No, I'm not kidding; it really says this.)  Long sleeves.  Look for quality, and elaborate details, like "cashmere dripping with jewels."  Major bling-bling is necessary.

(In other words, look RICH, because that's the only way you're going to get noticed by a man at your age, dear.  Hey, it helped Margaret Dumont attract Groucho Marx.)

I'd think that any woman over 50 (especially one who works out and wears clothes well) would be really offended by this.  I'd think that a woman over 50 with great cleavage could have as much "fun with plunging V-necks" as a 20-year-old could.  And might I venture the opinion that a lot of clothes that look ridiculous on a 55-year-old also look ridiculous on a 25-year-old?

But here, as always, we're being defined by our age.

.......................................

If you've seen my show, you know that I don't criticize the judicious use of plastic surgery.  (Just because I do a song about how gruesome it can be, set to the tune of "The Addams Family" theme song, doesn't mean I'm against it.)  Age bias absolutely permeates our culture, and we have to deal with that.  Sometimes a little plastic surgery can help us pursue our dreams, find romance, or simply make a living.

HOWEVER, I want to tell you about someone who died recently - from plastic surgery to tighten the skin under her neck.  She was only 54.  Ironically, Olivia Goldsmith (real name Justine Rendel) was a best-selling author who penned the comic novel THE FIRST WIVES CLUB, about women who get revenge after their husbands leave them for younger women.  Plastic surgery and huge, collagen-inflated lips figure prominently in the story.  (I don't know the circumstances of her own marriage and divorce, but she did write this book after her husband left.)  I hope you'll read her story.

I wish I could have met her; she was by all accounts funny and incisive, and, like me, she used humor as a hammer to bludgeon the "age thing."  Oh, how I wish she could have come to my show, but it is not to be.

I'll bet that before she went into surgery, she said (or at least thought) things like, "God, I'd rather die than have a turkey neck!"

(Speaking of "turkey neck," a website dedicated to pointing out the flaws of celebrities' faces has a picture of Liz Hurley - you know, that ugly old hag? - with aan arrow pointing to her neck and the words "TURKEY NECK!!!" screaming across the page.  No wonder people risk death to fix those little signs of aging.)

Anyway, in case you think that plastic surgery is no big deal, remember:  you can die from any surgery.  (Check out this story about recent plastic surgery deaths in Florida.)  If you're going to do it, make sure you're in superb health.  It wouldn't hurt to have your heart checked out; many people have undiagnosed heart problems.  Make sure the surgical facility you've chosen has a good safety record.  Talk with the anesthesiologist; if you've been under certain types of anesthesia before with no problem, you might not want to risk using a different kind. Tell the surgical staff if you're allergic to anything.  Follow all pre- and post-op instructions to the letter.

Maybe you would rather die than have a turkey neck, but let's try to avoid that, okay?

..........................................

To leave you in a better mood, let's close out with a dumb celebrity quote:

At a recent press conference with TV critics in L.A., the "American Idol" judges were asked about the importance of looks to a singing star.   After noting that Britney Spears, J-Lo and Beyonce were all good-looking, Simon Cowell added, "Madonna used to be good-looking."  Fellow "Idol" judges Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson groaned, and Cowell blurted out, "She's a housewife now!"

So's Jessica Simpson.  And looking like a housewife didn't hurt Clay Aiken, either.   I don't expect to be seeing Simon much this season, because I suspect that after that statement, Paula finally killed him.
 
 

Jan 13, 2004

One quick news item from the anti-aging industry to share today, and this one should actually be of interest to men:

The Neuzeller Kloster Brewery of Germany has developed "Anti-Aging Beer," which they plan to sell in grocery and drug stores.  They claim it contains added ingredients that slow the aging process (Vasoline Intensive Care Lotion, perhaps?)  But they may run afoul of a German law dating back to 1516 which states that anything called "beer" can only be made from barley, hops, yeast and water.

A company spokesman offered the ringing endorsement that Anti-Aging Beer "tastes like beer more than it tastes like anything else."  Oh, sure!  We heard that when they came out with lite beer!  Well, it had better not taste too bad, because you can't look younger when you have "Bitter Beer Face."

Say, if you drink enough anti-aging beer, do you get an "Extreme Hangover?"
 
 
 

Jan. 8, 2004

It's official!  "My Ship Has Sailed" will be returning to Dallas stages next month at Django on the Parkway, a wonderful supper club just off the Tollway at the Beltline exit in Addison!  The tentative date is Sunday, Feb. 22, which should be confirmed within 24 hours.  It will be an early dinner show, so you can enjoy Django's delicious and reasonably-priced food and full bar, see the show, and still get home early enough to make it into work the next day and tell all your co-workers to come back with you and see it again the next month!

Also, if you'd like to help us get our anti-ageism message out, we would really appreciate you clicking on the 2004 Bloggie Awards.  It would be unseemly to campaign openly for your vote, but if you are on the site and just happen to think of a certain hilarious, insightful, satirical site that deserves a pat on the back for its quixotic attacks on entrenched and accepted stereotypes about age and beauty, then who am I to say nay?

And now, a few items of interest, courtesy of the Dallas Morning News...

The paper reports that as a gift for National Nurses Week, nurses at HealthSouth Plano Rehabilitation Hospital were given free Botox injections.  One happily declared, "We're going to be the most beautiful nurses in the whole Metroplex."  At least, I assume she was happy; there was no way to tell from her facial expression.

I could see this catching on in a lot of workplaces, particularly lousy ones.  Your employees might be angry, disgruntled and depressed, but with free Botox as a perk, your customers will never be able to tell.   With any luck, it will even paralyze sweat glands, making sweatshops much more pleasant.

Those of you who simply must purchase all the newest wrinkle potions might also be interested in trying the oldest.  According to the DMN, you can now purchase "Creme Ancienne," a moisturizer modeled on "the world's first cream, created by Claudius Galenus (Marcus Aurelius' doctor) in the 2nd century A.D." (possibly for Joan Rivers) and made on the "pristine island of Tautra by the Nuns of the Cistercian Order."  And you know how hot those Tautran nuns are.  While you're on the island to buy moisturizer, though, you might want to dig around for a few chests of doubloons because a jar of it will set you back $250.  Apparently, these nuns are not interested in charity work.

I'll close out this entry with yet another brilliant quote from a celebrity.  Today's pearl of wisdom comes from the young jetsetting fashion model, Jade Jagger, who told the Times of London:

Considering that her family fortune is owed to people who were willing to buy albums with her dad, Mick Jagger's, picture on them, Jade might want to reconsider her prejudices against paying ugly people for their work.
 
 
 

Jan. 6, 2004

Sorry to be away so long, but the holidays were quite hectic.  I will be posting more commentary soon on outrageous news stories about age bias and beauty, as well as a review of "Something's Gotta Give" (short review: "See it!") and a definite date for the return of "My Ship Has Sailed" to the gorgeous new Django supper club in Addison.  I may also have a date soon for the show to appear in Ft. Worth.  In the meantime, I will definitely be appearing in Ft. Worth at the Scott Theater in the annual charity production of "The Vagina Monologues" on Feb. 7, which was apparently deemed to be the best time of the month for it.  Some people mistakenly think my show is just for women, but getting men to come see it is a piece of cake compared to dragging them to "The Vagina Monologues."  Still, it should be a great show, and I may be doing a song or two from "My Ship" at the "Afterglow" party, so if you're near Ft. Worth, please come out and see us and support the very worthy cause of helping abused women.

Since we are still enjoying the afterglow of Christmas, I'd like to share something with you that my husband Pat wrote and sent out to all our Comedy Wire clients and friends.  Since so much of "My Ship Has Sailed" is about the stupidity of confusing people's looks with their worth, I thought this fit very well into the topic and makes a wonderful point.  I warn  you, though, you'd better have Kleenex handy.  Here's the story of "Rosey, the Handicapable Cockatiel"...

Back?  Well, now that you're all teary-eyed, here are a few silly news items to get you back into a humorous mood.  More coming soon...

A two-year-old model/actor in Greenwich, Connecticut, cut his head at a playground and is suing the city for wages lost from jobs he can't take until his stitches heal.  Of course, by the time his stitches heal, he'll be too old to be a model.  Boy, only two years old, and he already has stitches in his face and a lawyer on speed dial!  He's a born model, all right.

Speaking of an unhealthy obsession with looks, a nightclub in Des Moines reportedly refused entry to a veteran who had lost both legs in Iraq because his tennis shoes (the only type of shoes that would fit his prosthetic legs) weren't classy enough for their dress code.  Yes, this place obviously epitomizes "class."  Say, isn't the name "Des Moines" French?...

Finally, a story I just love, from China's Information Times.  It seems that a 71-year-old man who claimed to be 66 on an online dating service made a date with a 68-year-old woman who was claiming to be 48.  They were both so embarrassed about the lies they'd told, the man sent his son on the date and the woman sent her daughter.  After their kids figured out the deception, they introduced their parents, who now plan to get married.  That way, they can lie to each other on a daily basis.  Frankly, I'm astounded the old man didn't propose to her daughter instead.

This leaves the 50-year-old son and the 40-year-old daughter still unattached, but naturally, she's way too old for him.
 
 
 

Dec. 4, 2003

CALENDAR GIRLS

I just saw a preview of the new British film CALENDAR GIRLS.  It opens in America in mid-December -- at least in a few major cities; wide release comes later, I think -- and it’s great!  You’ve got to see this one.

Here is a movie all about late bloomers!  In fact, the ladies in this film, prim Yorkshire gals who have never hitherto posed in the altogether, REMOVE their bloomers and every other stitch of clothing to make the very first creatively-nude calendar designed to raise money for a worthy cause (in this case, leukemia).

Though the script has elements of fiction, it’s based on the actual story of these women.  The actresses playing them, notably Helen Mirren and Julie Walters, create warm, charming and (yes) sexy grown-up characters of depth, experience and complexity.  It’s fascinating to watch them explore new ways of thinking about themselves.

Editorial note:  no, they are NOT “reinventing themselves.”  I hate that term; it implies artifice and contrivance.  Instead, they are recognizing and exploring aspects of themselves that have always been there but were repressed by convention.

But I digress.  The women are wonderful, but you’ll also enjoy watching the reactions of friends and husbands to their creative body-baring and the flurry of attention it receives.  The characters in the movie raise many thousands of dollars to fight leukemia, and they even get to go on the Tonight Show, just as the real-life women did.  “Calendar Girls” takes a close and entertaining look at the effects of fame -- even the fleeting kind -- on personalities and relationships.

Just a thought:  how often do you see a movie – especially an American movie – with a healthy crop of mature actresses who haven’t been snipped, pulled, stretched, tucked, contoured, rearranged, repositioned, resurfaced, augmented, lasered, suctioned, injected, implanted, color-corrected, starved, styled, waxed, plucked, perfectly made up and artfully lit?  I have nothing against the judicious use of plastic surgery (and a few of these women, let’s face it, could use some dentistry), but it takes a British import to show us natural-looking people.  American movies and TV are setting the standards of beauty, and there’s literally no limit, money-wise or any other-wise, to what actresses will do to keep young and beautiful.  Or at least unlined.

Enjoy “Calendar Girls”!

And now, a few items from the news...

A study by Britain's Harley Medical Group found that 64 percent of women who've had cosmetic surgery in the past two years said it was one of the best things they'd ever done.  And proving that it's better to have a sagging roof than sagging breasts, they said that home improvements and vacations were the top two things they had given up to pay for their surgery (also college: people are getting plastic surgery younger and younger).  It's just as well they sacrificed their vacations; if they went on a cruise, they'd only have to get liposuction afterwards.

It seems there's always some new thing to stick into your epidermis to make you look younger, and this week's innovation comes from Emory University, where researchers report great success with the chin sling.  It's a plastic lining that runs from ear to ear, implanted under the skin of the chin, and it lifts sagging necks.  If your neck sags more, they can just tighten the chin sling (apparently, they install bolts on both sides of your head, like the Frankenstein monster).  Out of 100 women who got it, 86 were so happy, they'd recommend it to their friends.  Or they would if they could open their mouths wide enough to talk.

(By the way, if this sounds good to you, go ahead and pay to have it professionally implanted.  Don't cheap out and just walk around with a chin sling hanging off your ears like a fake ZZ Top beard.)

One week before the Miss World Pageant in Shanghai, China, a young woman named Zhang Di was overjoyed when she beat out 49 other women to be named "the girl who would most benefit from plastic surgery" in the first "Miss Ugly" pageant.  She won a $12,000 extreme makeover from a local clinic.  That should qualify her to enter next year's Miss World pageant.

Finally, just to show that my message is as much for men as for women, here is some good news for male readers.  Proving that even Anna Nicole Smith can be right sometimes, researchers at the University of Arhus in Denmark found that senior citizens are more virile than young men.  A study of 1,000 men found that the average 20-year-old had half as many sperm as the average 60-year-old.  Of course, this could be because the 60-year-old has a lot more trouble getting rid of his surplus.

Unless he's very wealthy and/or Michael Douglas.
 
 
 

Nov. 17, 2003

It's been a very busy week.  Pat and I have been checking out venues that are interested in hosting the show, and several seem promising.  One standout is a wonderful new club on Beltline and the Tollway called Django.  We were there for the grand opening on Saturday night to see Johnny Reno perform.  It's designed for live music, with a raised stage, full lighting and sound system, a piano, plenty of booths and tables, an upscale cabaret/concert venue atmosphere, and good food at surprisingly reasonable prices.  It's also co-owned by our friend Teena, who is a manager at the Ruby Room and a big supporter of "My Ship Has Sailed," so this could be the place for us, at least for North Dallas.  I'll post dates as soon as it's definite.

In other news, there have been a lot of interesting comments about aging from celebrities recently.  Ellen DeGeneres told Dallas Morning News TV columnist Ed Bark that she always thought a talk show would be something she did later in life, and then she realized she was 45 and "that is 'later in life.'  In this business, 45 is ancient."  Isn't it ironic that as soon as you're old enough to finally have something interesting to say, you're too ancient to have a talk show?  But despite her advanced state of decrepitness, Ellen's show is doing very well in the ratings, so we'll consider it a victory for late bloomers.  (By the way, I saw Ellen giving away gift baskets of Perricone products to her audience.  Maybe she uses them herself.  That would explain why she looks so youthful, despite her antiquity.)

Joan Rivers also weighed in by opining that plastic surgery is like auto maintenance: it's just something you have to do every two years.  Except Joan seems to be one of those people whose car spends more time in the body shop than on the road, if you know what I mean.  When you're filling in your wrinkles with Bondo, you're overdoing it.

Then there is this, from "Sex & The City" star Sarah Jessica Parker, as quoted in the Internet Movie Database News:

"I've had no plastic surgery.  I've had no Botox, no collagen, nothing, no.  I have lines.  If the rest of my peers weren't doing it, I wouldn't think about it.  But it's a little hard to sit in a room with people who are younger and older than me and none of them have any lines.  It's an epidemic.  You go to an awards ceremony, or to the movies, or watch television and all you see is a mask.  Women's foreheads, and now men's foreheads, do not move."

Sounds like Sarah might appreciate my version of Madonna's "Frozen" ("A few injections, then you look great...You look like you are lying in state...").  These days, when actresses say they're "going over their lines," they don't mean they're rehearsing, they mean they're jabbing needles full of botulism into their faces.

Luckily, this will all soon come to an end (along with my career), thanks to the Raelians, that wacky religious sect that claims to have cloned a bunch of human babies but won't offer any proof.  They now claim to have found the secret of eternal youth, a way to use stem cells from a cloned embryo to shorten the DNA that stretches over time, reverse the damage done by aging and make everyone look 17 again.  Of course, every cosmetics company claims to be able to reverse the aging process, and they're all at least as reputable as the Raelians.  So this raises a few questions.  For instance: If our DNA gets longer as we age, how come old people get shorter?  If the Raelians can show us proof that they can create eternal youth from the cells of a cloned human baby, why are they still unable to show us a cloned human baby?  And would everyone want to be, say, 40, and have pimples again?  Enquiring minds want to know!  And that's where I expect this story to play out: in the Enquirer.
 
 

Nov. 3, 2003

Still working on the video demo.  Brian and I have some open dates in December, and we are debating whether to book a few shows in public venues (which we'd have to publicize) or do more private gigs.  Decisions, decisions!  Oh well, if you're planning a private party or corporate holiday event and want some great entertainment, give us a call and we'll see if our schedules match up!

If you are in the Ft. Worth area, mark Feb. 7 on your calendar.  I have been asked to perform in a charity production of "The Vagina Monologues" for "V-Day" at the Scott Theater.  I may also be doing a song or two from "My Ship Has Sailed" as part of the pre- or post-show entertainment.   Hope to see you there!

Finally, a couple of amazing new quotes on aging from celebrities.  First, from the Fashion Dallas section of the Dallas Morning News, there's this timeless wisdom from designer Diane von Furstenberg:
 

"It's great to be respected by women my age, but to be respected by the young girls, and they think you're hip, then you know, it's better than Botox."
 

I was astounded she could say that with a straight face, but then I remembered: "Oh yeah... Botox."

Also, singer/actress Mandy Moore, who is a ripe old 19, gave an interview to the A.P. in which she described posing for Vanity Fair with other hot young stars, such as Hilary Duff and the Olsen twins.  Moore said this:
 

"My God, at that photo shoot I felt so old!  I'm, like, there with all these 16-year-olds, and I'm, like, I did not dress like that when I was 16!  They are in these little low-slung pants, and tight tops, and they're all sexy...I felt really old."
 

Well, of course, she didn't dress like that when she was 16!  That was a different era!  Or maybe she just doesn't remember dressing like that because senility is creeping up on her.   Either way, at 19, she's, like, much too old to be dressing that way now.  At this point, Hollywood producers are probably already barking into their cell phones, "Get me a young Mandy Moore!"

I bet she'd be frowning about this, if it weren't for the Botox.
 
 

Oct. 30, 2003

The performance in Lakewood last Sunday went great: wonderful audience in a big, beautiful home from the 1920s.  Thanks to everyone who attended, and to the organizers, Marianna Armstrong and Susan Steinbach, for being such great hosts.   Brian and I really enjoy performing private gigs like this (we've found that they are some of our most responsive audiences), so if you'd like to host a private performance, please don't hesitate to call us.

Aside from working on our video demo and doing private gigs that we don't list on the website, we are also currently checking out at least five new venues where we can present the show to the general public again in the very near future.  They range from downtown Dallas to Lower Greenville Ave. to Prestonwood to Ft. Worth, and from nightclubs to restaurants to a coffee house.  If you have any preferences or suggestions, please drop me a line and let me know.

I've noticed a couple of interesting quotes about age from celebrities in the news this week that I'd like to share.  Columnist Cindy Adams had this quote from actress Juliette Binoche:
 

"I think 20 is a beautiful age but very difficult, 30 was better, 40 . . . who knows? It will be strange for me as an actress because I will have to learn different ways to be seductive."
 

Juliette, honey, if you plan to work in Hollywood after age 40, good luck finding a role that allows you to be seductive. As Goldie Hawn once noted, "There are only three ages for women in Hollywood:  Babe, District Attorney and Driving Miss Daisy."

Also today comes word from a British tabloid that Kylie Minogue is hanging up her hot pants, and no, not just to air them out.  The paper claims that at 35, Kylie thinks she's now too old to show her famous bottom in public anymore.  Of course, Simon Cowell would say she's too old to show her face in public anymore.  From what I've seen of Kylie, I suspect this means her singing career is over.   Still, 35 seems awfully young to be putting your butt out to pasture.  Perhaps her bottom is aging faster than most because it's exposed to so much light.
 
 

Oct. 16, 2003

Tonight is our final performance at the Ruby Room, where this show was launched and where we've met so many terrific people over the past seven weeks.  We hate to say goodbye to this club and hope we'll be able to return soon, since its cool, early-'60s retro setting is perfect for our show.  One lady in the audience last week who was a true theater and cabaret connoisseur told us it reminded her of the great shows she used to see in supper clubs in Manhattan many years ago, which was high praise indeed.  And she told us she was a friend of Tony Bennett's, so we were doubly humbled and impressed.

Brian has to tour out of state for a couple of weeks with a jazz band, so we're taking a little time off to produce a video demo and some marketing materials and to scout out new venues, preferably some that serve dinner, since so many people have asked for that.  If you know of (or own) such a restaurant or club, don't hesitate to give us a call!

On the news front, you might be interested in this story, which is no surprise to those of us who work in radio, or to anyone who has seen "My Ship Has Sailed."  It's about how older country singers (the one genre that used to venerate its elders) like Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton can no longer get airplay, no matter how good their records are, unless they cut duets with hip young stars.  As if a #1 hit like "It's 5 O'clock Somewhere" would not have been worth listening to if Jimmy Buffett had recorded it solo rather than with Alan Jackson.  Or heaven forbid, if Jimmy Buffett had recorded it with Lacy J. Dalton!  Sure, she's the greatest female country singer on earth, but she's over 50!  Who'd want to listen to the voice of someone that old?  Other than my husband Pat, that is, who plays her records to death, along with recent albums by Don Williams, Merle Haggard and a whole lot of other people whose undiminished talents just aren't enough to garner them radio play anymore because - gasp! - they have gray hair.  Although how people can tell that over the radio remains a mystery.   When we solve it, I'll get back to you...
 
 

Oct. 14, 2003

Fox entertainment columnist Roger Friedman has noticed that local TV newscasts in New York City have a tendency to discard women over 40 just as they reach the peak of their skills and experience and replace them with young chippies who couldn't pronounce "Pataki" if Henry Higgins coached them for a month.  He also notes that many older actresses are being written out of soap operas, often by having them die in those creatively macabre ways the soaps are so famous for.   Maybe they should just have them put some vanishing cream on their wrinkles and disappear entirely.  Click HERE to read the full story.  It's at the bottom of the column, after the story about Uma Thurman.  Of course, this is Fox, so Uma must come before the women over 40...

I also got a nice note from Harriet G., who had been to see "My Ship Has Sailed."  She wrote to share a whimsical observation that we can all relate to:

"I realized I had passed the point of no return when I found myself calling a saleswoman 'miss' and she was calling me 'ma'am,' when it used to be the other way 'round..."

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That's all for now, but keep checking back here regularly!  And if you'd like to share a news story or your own thoughts and observations about the pressure society puts on us all to "keep young and beautiful"or else, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com.

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