My Ship Has Sailed

LAURA'S DIARY
(Archive of earlier posts)

This page is where I expand on the ideas expressed in my "My Ship Has Sailed," my one-woman satirical musical show about age and beauty pressures.   I want to share news stories on attitudes toward aging and looks that we find everyday while writing The Comedy Wire, create a journal (or "blog") about what it's like for a late bloomer like me to try to get a one-woman show up and running, and post some of the best comments I receive from people who've seen the show and want to share their own thoughts and experiences on dealing with the "last culturally- acceptable bias."  I'll update it whenever possible.  If you'd like to be notified when new shows are scheduled and to receive these newsletters just for fun, simply send me a note at laura@lauraainsworth.com to be added to the list.

NEW!  Laura's husband Pat has a hilarious new website based on his book, Hollywood Hi-Fi, about  wannabe celebrity singers.   Hear Bette Davis, Robert Mitchum and more trying to be music stars!

A VIDEO OF LAURA'S PERRICONE DIET ARIA IS NOW ONLINE!  SEE IT HERE! 

TO LEAVE COMMENTS, VISIT LAURA'S NEW MIRROR SITE AT WWW.LAURAAINSWORTH.BLOGSPOT.COM!

I found a website you have to visit.  If you have ever compared your looks to the models in fashion magazines, or especially if you have a daughter who does that and gets depressed, then you must click on this link! 

It was set up to illustrate my oft-harped-on point that thanks to PhotoShop, retouching, lighting effects, makeup, etc., those images in the magazines are about as realistic as a Picasso portrait.  You can never look that good because not even the model looks that good!  It’s all created out of thin air and pixels! 

This site was created to demonstrate that.  Click on the image, wait for the pop-up image to load, then click on “Unveil The Fraud.”  It will demonstrate how each body part was altered to turn a normal 14-year-old girl into a silicone-enhanced cover girl.  It’s fascinating and scary, but also very enlightening.

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A British woman named Nicky Taylor (not the famous model) agreed to be the star of a "Supersize Me"-style TV documentary to show the bad health effects of binge-drinking like a college girl for one month.  She went out with a group of co-eds five nights a week and downed 17.2 units of alcohol a day.  To give you an idea, a glass of wine has 1 unit.  She must have a hump that stores booze, like an alcoholic camel.  The drinks also added up to about 2,000 calories a day. 

After just 30 days, she had gained nearly 7 pounds (surprisingly, not from getting pregnant); developed a spare tire and chipmunk cheeks; suffered depression and exhaustion; and embarrassed herself by passing out, vomiting, dancing on a table at a gay bar and gyrating like a stripper with an empty beer bottle.  She said she was lucky she had her TV crew to watch over her at all times.  She won't say that after she sees the video.

Worse, from the viewpoint of this blog, at least, she started out looking younger than her age, but her skin got so dehydrated, she looked at least 10 years older (it really is startling: check out the link for before and after photos).  This might not bother co-eds, who are trying to look older so they can get into bars; but for the rest of us who are (slightly) past college age, it’s a scary lesson. 

Moral:  Let your brandy age, but don’t let your brandy age you!  

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Finally, from the fashion front, a study in Britain by Churchill Home Insurance found that over her lifetime, the average woman spends $22,668 (US) on clothes or shoes she never wears (and $30,000 more on expanding her closet space).  The biggest time for buying is during January sales, and the major reason for this waste is that they buy a smaller size intending to diet into it, but never do.  Unlike men, who buy bigger clothes to “grow into” and accomplish it. 

The good news in this is that at least it’s $22,668 we won’t be giving to Ben & Jerry.

In case you’re wondering, men spend only about $14,000 in a lifetime on clothes they never wear.  And believe me, they would wear them.  Fortunately, their wives won’t let them.

Jan. 15, 2005

Busy, busy week with little time for blogging.  I've been getting ready for an industry showcase performance on Monday, the Django show on Jan. 30, and another very big event I'll be telling you about soon, but keep March 9th open on your calendar!

Thursday night, we went to Dallas Theater Center to see Julie White's one-woman show, "Bad Dates."  It was wonderful: the play was hilarious and touching, and Julie White's performance is amazing.  It also gives me hope to see a one-woman show with such a female-centric viewpoint be such a hit.  Maybe it's a good omen for us.  Please try to catch "Bad Dates" if you can: it plays through Jan. 30 (you could see the final matinee, then hurry up to Django to see me), but get your tickets fast.  We were there on a week night, and it was sold out and even the standing room area was full.

Now, let's get to the news on age, beauty, fashion and all the other silly things we worry about way too much...

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If you've been doing nothing about living longer, good: nothing is exactly what you should be doing.  That's according to two father-and-daughter health professors from Germany who've written a new book called "The Joy of Laziness" that claims you'll live longer if you exercise less.  Or maybe you do die, but people are so used to seeing you sitting motionless on the couch, they don't notice.

The book says that strenuous activity produces free radicals that speed the aging process, as well as the hormone cortisol that damages brain cells and can lead to premature senility.  The authors, both "reformed long-distance runners," say that laughter reduces stress and boosts immunity and is better for you than exercise (see, my show makes you live longer, and then you'll appreciate it even more.)

I should warn you, though, that a number of medical authorities have questioned or denounced the book's claims.  The authors just laughed at them, then felt much better.

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A GQ magazine survey found that there actually is one thing men won't do for sex (and I don't mean the dishes).   92% said they would never wear makeup, even if it guaranteed them a better sex life -- and it would: ask Gene Simmons of KISS.  Only 14% would wear makeup for a 25 percent salary increase.  But interestingly, 65% said plastic surgery is okay for both men and women.  I assume that's an average of 5% in Nebraska and 100% in California.

So a little powder is too extreme, but cutting into your face with a scalpel is okay?  Talk about manly men!
 

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I want every parent of teenagers to remember this story when their kids are sneering at them about how old and uncool they are:

The FemaleFirst website reports that Nicole Kidman says she and Tom Cruise's 12-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son are horribly embarrassed by their parents.  They're so embarrassed, they want to change their names, and they tell Tom and Nicole, "whatever you do, don't come" to their school to pick them up (this could just be a ruse to get them to send a limo.)  And Tom said when he tells them he remembers a time when there were no cell phones or Internet, "They just look at me as if to say, 'Oh God, that's unbelievable!'"

I'll bet he hasn't dared to tell them that he once did a movie where he danced around in his underwear to a Bob Segar 45.  And thank God they're too young to see "Eyes Wide Shut," or they'd die  of embarrassment!

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Here's a story to depress late-bloomers like you and me:  The #1 song in Germany is "Schanappi, das kleine Krokodil" ("Snappy, the Little Crocodile"), a ditty made up and sung by Joy Gruttman, age 4.  Her parents thought it was cute and put it on the Internet as a joke.  A radio station started playing it, it was released on record, and Joy is now the youngest artist ever to have a top 10 hit in Germany.  It beat out the new release by that old crone Kylie Minogue, and has popped up in a dance remix version in German clubs that Joy won't be legally allowed to visit for another 17 years.

Our only consolation is the knowledge that by this time next year, she'll be dropped from the record label for being too old for today's pop music-buying market.

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LETTERS TO LAURA!

Dear Laura,

I meant to save Walter Scott's column in PARADE magazine for you ... a few weeks ago, I think.  Did you see the letter asking about whether Sharon Stone would ever do a sequel to "Basic Instinct"? He replied that the sequel was supposedly about to be produced in the near future, but that "at age 46, Stone may be a little stiff when she crosses her legs this time." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want the clipping, I'll dig through our recycling bin. I mean, ohmygod. We're creaky old women at FORTY SIX? I hope Sharon clubs Walter to death with her walker.

xxx
Anne
 

Dear Anne,

I appreciate the sentiment, since the "Personality Parade" column is one of the most age-obsessed things I've ever seen, and I often catch myself growling over some offhandedly ageist remark.

It might be difficult to bash Walter Scott with a walker, though, since according to an Internet article I found that references CNN's "NewsNight," he doesn't really exist (well, that's one way to avoid aging.)  The article (actually a sermon) claims that the name was chosen by Parade editors for its literary pedigree, and the column has been written by  two different people over its decades-long life.  I assume the second guy took it over from the first when he reached Parade's mandatory retirement age of 40.

(If anyone else wants to submit any stories, comments, questions, etc. for us to share, please write me at laura@lauraainsworth.com.  I'd love to hear from you!)
 

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I always like to close with a celebrity quote on aging, and this one comes from "Sex & The City" vixen Kim Cattrall.  She was recently divorced and is now dating a man 21 years her junior.  Kim had this to say:
 

"In my 20s and 30s, I was a serial monogamist," but now at age (number redacted by me, because around here, we never tell), "I'm going to swing...Sex is about opening yourself to someone else.  Younger men are less frightening and less tentative."
 

You mean that between Viagra, Lavitra and Cialis, older men are still tentative about dating Kim Cattrall?  How many pills do they need?!

I do wish she'd added one more thing: an explanation of why the younger man might want to be with her.  How about...

Older women are sexy.  And more interesting to talk to, if men who date Kim Cattrall ever get around to talking.
 
 
 

Jan. 9, 2005

Can you guess who this 70-year-old man is?

No, it's not Claude Akins.  In fact, this man doesn't really exist: the BBC reports that some computer experts at England's St. Andrews University used a morphing program that estimates what someone will look like in the future to create a portrait of Elvis Presley, if he had lived to his 70th birthday this year.  The most amusing thing about it is that they left his hair black, on the assumption he would dye it, but added in every possible wrinkle, as if plastic surgery would never occur to the King.

Now, come on!  We all know that if Elvis were still alive and working Las Vegas, he would have the very best plastic surgeons sanding his wrinkles smooth and stretching his face tighter than a twin size fitted sheet on a King-size mattress. Here's what he would really look like at age 70.

By the way, this computer photo-aging idea is great, but they need to take it in a new direction.  Instead of creating photos that make us look older than we are, how about creating a program that creates photos that do our aging for us, like Dorian Gray's portrait?  Celebrities could remain young forever while keeping their aging photos locked away in the attic.  Can you imagine how much money the tabloids would pay for those photos?

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Here's a story that I think I'll have to tell in my show at Django on January 30:

"Bulgaria's cleverest woman," Daniela Simidchieva, who has three degrees and a 192 I.Q., was supporting her family in poverty level jobs because, as she told the media, nobody wanted to hire her because of her age.  She said she almost got a job as a sales director but the boss was appalled to learn she was 42 and told her the maximum age for hiring a woman was 40.  Makes you wonder what women at that company were required to sell.

Fortunately, after the story aired in the media, she was deluged with good job offers.  She's now been hired as an executive at the Center for Analysis and Marketing.

Until she reaches the mandatory retirement age of 45...

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Finally, a refreshing celebrity quote from one of my favorite young actresses, Scarlett Johansson (by sheer coincidence, while catching up on movies I'd missed over my vacation, I saw three films -- "Lost in Translation," "Girl With A Pearl Earring" and "A Love Song for Bobby Long" -- and Scarlett appeared and was excellent in all three.)

Scarlett credits her sex appeal to being comfortable with the way she looks, and she urges other young girls to concentrate on their own good points rather than trying to change themselves to copy someone else:

"If you're comfortable with yourself, then it's sexy.  Maybe people think I look sexy because I feel sexy.  I am a very liberated person that way.   I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, my body, my face - well, sometimes I'm not comfortable with my face, but it's stuck there and there's nothing I can do about it."  (She's probably the only person in Hollywood who believes that, but never mind.)

And what is she most proud of?  Her breasts:  "I'm proud of my girls.  They're my charms, my feminine wiles."

Of course, it's probably a tad easier to be comfortable with your looks when you look like Scarlett Johansson.  But don't worry if you don't have bewitching natural breasts like her "girls."  I'm sure any number of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons are currently adding that to their menus.  Just glance directly below Nicole Kidman's nose and Angelina Jolie's lips, and there they'll be.
 
 
 

Jan. 6, 2005

After a December full of parties that required me to talk a lot and burn out my throat, I am taking it easy this month in anticipation of the January 30 show at Django (and another very exciting booking that I will be able to reveal shortly), so I can be in top voice --  it ain't easy perfoming operatic aarias with a sore throat, even if you are singing goofy lyrics to them.  So I'll dispense with the chit-chat and go straight to the news...
 

Celebrity quote of the day, from a CBS special about the beauty secrets celebrities use for the red carpets:

           "Thanks to Oprah, 50 is now the new 27 and a half!"

                                       -- "Entertainment Tonight" style mavven Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru

As much as I appreciate the sentiment, though, I still wish Oprah hadn't told her age but had just said, "It's nobody's business, and it doesn't matter."  It would've set a great example, and if anyone has the power to tell the entire world to go stuff themselves, it's Oprah.

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One of the most popular holiday gifts this year was plastic surgery, particularly breast implants (typical male gift: they give you something they want to play with themselves.)  That must make the recipient feel great: "Merry Christmas, honey!  Your chest is flat and your nose is hideous!  I also tossed in some free laser hair removal, since you look like you're wearing fur leg warmers!"

But what's really disturbing is that over 11,000 girls age 18 and younger got breast implants in 2003, nearly triple the number from one year before.  I don't know what in the world parents could be thinking to give breast implants to a girl whose body is still developing.  For all they know, the girls could have a natural "growth spurt" and suddenly become a D-cup over summer vacation, like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson...

Uh, come to think of it, bad examples.  Moving on...

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Breast implants are truly the gift that keeps on giving, so why limit them to your wife, daughters and mistress?  Four Clear Channel radio stations caught that generous Christmas spirit ("Let's make a perfect stranger look like a ho-ho-ho!") and held contests that awarded free implant operations to 13 women.

This ticked off the National Organization for Women, which is urging people to write to the FCC to complain.  NOW has a "Love Your Body" campaign that opposes unobtainable media images of beauty (although this particular image is totally obtainable, for anyone with $5,000), and they call the contests "degrading and unethical."  But they admit they weren't indecent, and the FCC likely won't intervene.

Besides, Clear Channel said the contests were run entirely by the local stations, and the contestants entered of their own free will and even had to write essays on why they wanted bigger breasts (I can't wait to read that anthology).  The Tampa station alone got over 91,000 entries.

But most were disqualified because they were written by husbands.

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Irene Sinclair, a 96-year-old grandmother with a luminous smile who was discovered at a nursing home in London, is the new face of Dove skin care products.  The ad copy asks, "Will society ever accept old can be beautiful?"  (I've been working on that question myself; I'll get back to you with the answer in 50 years or so.)  Here's a quote from Irene:

"I got involved to be an ambassador for older people and to affirm that we have a lot to offer and we aren’t past it.  I’ve never been beautiful, but I feel I am beautiful now.  It’s all about growing older gracefully."

I couldn't agree more, although I have to add that growing older disgracefully is probably a lot more fun.

This startling ad featuring an actual human over the age of 16 is part of Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty," a revolutionary ad approach that has also featured real women of normal weight promoting Dove body firming lotion.  Dove spokespeople said conventional ad images of beauty are defined by "narrow, stifling stereotypes;" and while other ads show stick-thin women under 20 using body firming lotion, research shows consumers think they're ridiculous.

But it only works  on stick-thin women under 20!

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Two University of Pennsylvania researchers scanned more than 1,500 diet plan studies, and found most were worthless or unreliable.  There are a lot of diet plans, from the nonprofit Overeaters Anonymous to the expensive Jenny Craig (which is proven to lighten your wallet), but the discovered that only Weight Watchers had hard data to prove their plan works.  A Federal Trade Commission spokesman said diet plan sellers are reluctant to sponsor studies because "if you know what the truth is, it's harder to sell the dream."  Or the low-fat, sugar-free Dreamsicles.

Of course, you can still dream about being skinny for free.

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Finally, if "The Swan" isn't enough for you, a new reality show is coming to the UK that will use plastic surgery to turn real dogs into...well, prettier dogs. It's called "Pet Plastic Surgery."  It will show dogs getting facelifts (give a shar pei a facelift and you'll have enough skin left over to make a second dog), a rabbit getting a tummy tuck (you'd think it would go for the ear bob), and a neutered male dog getting fake testicles to raise his self-esteem.

But it's cruel, because they also raise his hopes.  And self-esteem and hopes are the only things they'll raise, so really, what's the point?
 
 
 

Jan. 3, 2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Contemporary Theater of Dallas' New Year's bash was wonderful, and I want to thank Doug Miller and Sue Loncar for inviting me to be part of their show.  By the time I took the stage, it was getting to within an hour of midnight, and the crowd was rather noisy and well-lubricated.  It was hard to hear myself, but I did get a really nice ovation for my warped version of "My Man," so I guess I sounded okay.  Our friends Susan Sargeant (the reigning top theater director in Dallas) and makeup genius Donnatelle Mascari and their husbands shared our table.  Pat even got a great deal on a new fax machine at the silent auction, so he was happy.  That's how he rates the excitement level of any holiday celebration: how much money will it save him on electronic equipment?   I may have to add another verse to my song about men to cover that little quirk.

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Moving on to the news, here's an amazing story:  Israel is considering passing a law requiring all models to undergo weigh-ins every six months to make sure they're not underweight.  It was proposed after officials discovered that nearly one in seven of 12,000 women who showed up for a recent model search contest were so anorexic, they should have been in a hospital.

To keep the modeling industry from encouraging eating disorders in young girls, women who pass the weigh-in would get a license to be models (if they move the scale needle at all, they'll have to become plus-sized models), and those who are too skinny would be given nutritional advice and a two-month deadline to put on weight or be banned from modeling.  Maybe each model will be assigned her own surrogate Jewish mother, who will nag her to "Eat! Eat!  Have some chicken soup!  You're skin and bones!"  If that doesn't work, and they need to put on weight really fast, they can always get breast and butt implants.

After that, if they're still too thin to model in Israel, they can move to America and be too fat to model.
 

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Finally, as I've mentioned before, my husband Pat is a public speaker who gets corporate audiences and civic groups laughing with his presentation on the "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."  That's also the name of a book we wrote together awhile back (you can read an excerpt and order an autographed copy by clicking here), and it earned us the coveted title of "loserologists" from the Wireless Flash news service.

Every year, Pat compiles the Comedy Wire's Top 10 Losers of the Year, and 2004's are now ready.  You can read them by clicking here, but if you're Ben Affleck, you might want to spare yourself the agony...
 
 
 

Dec. 31, 2004

Rehearsals for the New Year's Eve Cabaret bash at Contemporary Theater went very well.  There will be some great singers there (aside from me, of course), like Stephanie Riggs, who runs the Flower Mound Performing Arts Theater, but whom we've enjoyed this year in shows ranging from Theatre Three's "The Wild Party" to Lyric Stage's "Finian's Rainbow."   I hope to see you there, even if it does mean we're publicly admitting the passing of another year, which is normally something we try to avoid around here.

To clear out my files and finish out 2004, and also as a break from the horrible stories dominating the news this week, here is a round-up of the recent age and looks-related news...

In an update to the story about the people who were hospitalized with botulism after getting anti-wrinkle injections, a judge has barred two doctors and their Arizona company, "Toxin Research International," from selling unapproved botulism toxin as a wrinkle cure.  Nice to see the legal system working so swiftly.  Just to be on the safe side, maybe the government might consider banning anything with the word "toxin" in its name from being injected for any reason into anyone.   Other than Scott Peterson.

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Just before Christmas, the Center for Consumer Freedom, a group that fights lawsuits against the restaurant and food industry, posted a waiver on its website for anyone who planned to leave cookies out for Santa.  By signing it, Santa agrees that he is already obese and will not blame you, nor ask his trial lawyer elf to sue you for not providing nutritional info, not offering healthy alternatives such as tofu bars (Santa looks like the kind of guy who'd sue you if you did  leave him tofu bars), not warning that cookies may be habit-forming, or for using Christmas lights as manipulative marketing tools to lure Santa in to overeat cookies.

Have you tossed your cookies yet?

One caveat:  If you also leave him a glass of whole milk, he'll sue your pants off.

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Here's some annoying news, particularly at holiday time:  a Harvard study that tracked 116,000 female nurses since 1976 found that the key to a long life is being both slim and fit from working out.   The women who were least likely to die were slender and they exercised at least 3.5 hours per week.  Women who were slender but didn't exercise were 55 percent more likely to die, while women who were obese and didn't exercise were 2.5 times more likely to die.  Women who were fat but who did exercise were still twice as likely to die as those who were both toned and slender.   Their husbands were also more likely to die, usually right after answering the question, "Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?"

When toned and slender women did die, it was because fat women killed them.

I imagine that if the key to staving off death is that you have to both diet and exercise, a lot of people would rather die.

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If you need to lose weight, forget Atkins and Jenny Craig: a study by Sweden's Gothenburg University suggests that you should consider surgery.  People who had gastric bypass surgery were 23 percent below their previous weight after two years, and 16 percent below it after 10 years.  Those who relied on dieting to lose weight grew slightly heavier.

Probably because they relied on the Fudge Diet.

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By Jiminy, it turns out the old saying, "Live fast, die young" is true, at least for crickets.  Scientists at the University of New South Wales in Australia fed one group of male crickets a protein-rich diet and another a protein-poor diet.  The first group burned themselves out doing constant mating calls and died sooner than their quieter, malnourished counterparts (they must've worn themselves out rubbing their legs together).  A researcher said, "Only high quality males can bear the costs of an extreme sexual display.  Sexual advertisement is costly."

But I think Donald Trump already proved that.

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A study by Brylcreem proved that a little dab'll screw ya, at least job-wise.  Researchers found a link between people's choice of hairstyle and their jobs, suggesting that our style choices may be more influenced by co-workers than we'd like to admit.  For instance, men with cropped hair were more likely to have manual jobs, with 45 percent of construction workers having short-cropped hair.  Those with individual 'dos tend to be entrepreneurs, such as Bill Gates and Donald Trump (when you're that rich, nobody dares to tell you that your hair looks like a roadkill squirrel).  And mullets are common in jobs where you're not seen by the public much, such as long distance truck drivers and DJs.  Especially DJs for classic rock stations.  Or maybe it's just that people who like to wear mullets can only get hired for jobs where they're never seen by the public.

Finally, if you still use Brylcreem, you're probably an Elvis impersonator.

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An unnamed male sailor on the British assault ship HMS Albion has been given a military-paid breast reduction operation after he lost a lot of weight and was left with saggy man boobs.  A female sailor on the same ship also had breast enhancement surgery (this must be a torpedo ship -- or else a sexual assault ship).  They were among a number of nose jobs, tummy tucks and other plastic surgery procedures paid for by the UK Ministry of Defense last year.  The Navy insists that both breast operations were carried out in military hospitals for "serious clinical reasons."   To have the best-looking damned military in the world!

They also figure, what better way to boost enlistment than by putting women with 38-Ds on every assault ship?

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In what seems to be a counterproductive move, Kirstie Alley, who has revived her career by agreeing to star in a new Showtime series called "Fat Actress," has signed as the new celebrity spokeswoman for Jenny Craig weight loss centers.  Alley said once she decided to lose weight, she had offers from four companies, but went with the one that was the safest, most fun and had the "yummiest food."  She said, "I had a great time getting fat, and now I'm going to have an even greater time losing weight."

And then, gaining it again...

If Kirstie loses too much weight, she may find herself being replaced.  That should be easy, since Hollywood considers anyone who outweighs Lara Flynn Boyle to be a "fat actress."   But I doubt that will happen, considering this eloquent quote from her on how she will deal with it if she doesn't meet her weight loss goals:

"I would rather be 50 pounds overweight any day of the week before I would jeopardize my health and become some Beverly Hills skinny-a** b**ch."

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Let's finish off with some celebrity news...

Paul McCartney is taking his nickname of "The Cute One" to absurd new levels.  He said that decades of plucking guitar strings wore out his fingernails, so his wife suggested he get acrylic nails from a beauty salon.  He said he told her, "'No, I can't do that.' But I did do it on the last tour, and it works like a dream."  It enables songs like "Ebony & Ivory" and "Let 'Em In" to sound even more like fingernails on a blackboard.
 

Entertainment Weekly's "Best of 2004" issue is out, and it contains some good rebuttal material to anyone who thinks that entertainers' best work is always done in their youth.  The "Great Performances" honorees include Virginia Madsen for "Sideways" (I just saw that film and loved it.)  She's an actress who's worked for years in thankless, B-movie roles before finally getting a chance to shine, and now she's being talked up for an Oscar nomination.  Brian Wilson got a nod for brilliantly completing the Beach Boys' "Smile" album 37 years after he started it.  And Annette Bening was honored for the movie "Being Julia."  Here's an excerpt:
 

"Some actresses take a risk by signing on to an unglamorous role.  Others do it with a high-profile nude scene.  But Annette Bening has taken perhaps the biggest risk of all with 'Being Julia': She plays her age.  Bening (EW gives her age here, but I won't) infuses the already juicy role with equal parts devilish humor and heartbreaking vulnerability.  'A number of women that I've talked to who are my age say there's almost this 'coming out,'' she says.  'It's like a second adolescence, except that you're wiser.  There's a kind of rebirth and rejuvenation.'"
 

Of course, it would be nice if the point had solely been the quality of their work rather than the amazing fact that they did it at THEIR AGE, which is the equivalent of being stunned that a plumber might know more about pipes at 40 than he did at 20, but I guess we take what we can get.

In other encouraging news, the same issue names Loretta Lynn's "Van Lear Rose" as one of the 10 best albums of 2004 (it also topped a number of country music critics' lists) and "The Swan" as the worst TV show of 2004.  The write-up is worth quoting in its entirety:
 

"The reality series that invented an odious new category of female 'victimization': Girls Who Aren't Pretty Enough.'  Women who can't belly dance for their husbands were treated with the hushed awe usually reserved for Make-A-Wish Kids...then they had their faces smashed, bodies lipo'ed and hair glued, all under the false flag of female empowerment.  Plain ugly."
 

(A side note: Yesterday, Dr. Phil repeated his show in which he had the winner of "The Swan" on and used computer morphing to show that with a new hairdo and better makeup , she could've looked quite attractive with no surgery at all.  For more on "The Swan" and the unspoken consequences of getting too much plastic surgery at once, see my entry for Dec. 15 below.)
 

Finally, in what I guess we can consider a victory of sorts for mature women, a celebrity nudity website held a subscriber poll for the Best Nude Scene of 2004, and coming in a very strong #2 was Mimi Rogers in "The Door In The Floor."  Granted, Mimi is quite well-preserved, but it was still a surprise to the site's webmaster that so many young porn-buying guys would prefer her to all the much-younger naked chippies flitting across their movie and TV screens in the past year.  It would probably also be a surprise to Hugh Hefner, who seems to think that women stop being sexy when they become old enough to vote.  I'll bet he's dated triplets whose combined ages didn't equal Mimi Rogers' age.  And whose combined IQs didn't equal Mimi Rogers' age, either.
 
 
 

Dec. 27, 2004

I'm on vacation for Christmas, but will be updating the blog when I get a chance.  Some exciting news is pouring in related to my show, along with several amusing stories from the age-beauty front.  We'll catch up on it soon, but for now, just relax and enjoy your holiday.

If you don't have your New Year's Eve planned, you might consider Contemporary Theater of Dallas' New Year's Cabaret Bash.  About a dozen top musical performers will get up and do a couple of songs each, plus there is great food, dance music, a full bar, etc.  I'll be doing two songs during the second set, closer to midnight.  We went last year, and it was wonderful.  If you enjoy Dallas theater and great music, this is sort of the "insider" party that many local performers attend.  It's more affordable than a lot of the big hotel New Year's celebrations, and a lot more fun.  For info, click here or call Contemporary Theater at 214-828-0094.  It's just off lower Greenville.  You'll find directions here.  Hope to see you on New Year's Eve!
 
 

Dec. 20, 2004

It's been an incredibly busy week between work, a lot of industry Christmas parties, and seeing all the Christmas shows that Pat has to see as a Leon Rabin theater judge (we've seen three versions of "A Christmas Carol" alone!  God help us, every one! )  Only kidding, all three were very good, and quite different from each other.  I especially enjoyed the more intimate productions at Pocket Sandwich Theater and the Flower Mound Performing Arts Center.

Anyway, the result is that it's December 20, and I've barely done any Christmas shopping!  So I'm going to throw a lot of blogging at you at once to catch up on the past few days' worth of news, then you may not hear from me for awhile.  If not, have a wonderful Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Solstice/Festivus!

Let's get two pieces of sad news out of the way first:

1.  Turns out those four people hospitalized after getting Botox treatments were mistakenly injected with raw botulinum toxin.  That can leave you with a lifeless expression permanently.  There's now a lawsuit, and you can read more about it here.

2.  Here's a link to a scary story about the rage for plastic surgery in Italy, and some of the unfortunate results.  It revolves around a magazine story with the insensitive title of "The New Monsters," featuring former Italian "It Girl" Loredana Lucciso, who now has disfigured swollen lips after she injected them herself with "some chemical substance."  She's quoted as saying, "I should have had it done by a doctor.  I'll remember that in future."

That's why my lifelong motto has always been "Never inject anything into your own lips."

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Saturday in Beijing, Feng Qian, a 22-year-old student who's had work on her eyelids and cheeks (all four of them?), won China's first "Miss Artificial Beauty" pageant.  She said the contest provided "recognition of the girls like us" who "have undergone plastic surgery and aren't willing to talk about it." And that's all she said.  Ironically, she's probably had less plastic surgery than your average beauty contest winner.

Other prizes were given for Best Figure (i.e., "Most Silicone"), Most Intelligent (if plastic surgery made you more intelligent, Cher would rule the world), and Best Media Image -- a tie between a 62-year-old retiree and a 21-year-old transsexual who was a man until three years ago.  I'll bet she also won the award for Most Plastic Surgery.

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The other big plastic surgery story of the past week is that Sharon Stone has jumped on the Nicolette Sheridan bandwagon and is suing Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Renato Calabria for defamation for allegedly claiming he gave her a facelift.  Her face just fell when she heard that claim.  You can read her lawsuit here.

Calabria's lawyer replied that articles about him that say he worked on Stone did not get the info from him, and Calabria still has the right to post the articles on his website without correcting them.  Stone's lawsuit states that she's never had a facelift and "prides herself not only on her acting ability and other talents, but also on her natural physical appearance" (as well as her famous and widely-admired modesty.)

I don't know if Sharon is being honest about not having work done, or if this is just a face-saving move, but personally, I don't care.  Part of what "My Ship Has Sailed" is about is telling people to stop obsessing over someone's age or whether they've "had anything done."  It's nobody's business, and I joke about it only when someone wildly overdoes it, and especially if those people then make loud and ludicrous public denials (for instance, Michael Jackson insisting he's only had a couple of procedures on his nose and nothing more when he's obviously had his face repeatedly sand-blasted and jack-hammered.)

In this case, I think Sharon Stone looks great, whether or not she's had a little work done to her face, and that everyone should back off.  Besides, her face is not the part of her anatomy that made her famous anyway, so who cares?

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From our "Don't Mess With An Older Lady" Department comes this delightful story:

Police in Sycamore Township, Ohio, report that an unnamed 90-year-old great-grandmother was leaving a supermarket when Marcus Gendrew offered to help with her groceries, then stole her purse.  But she followed him across the parking lot, demanding it back and lecturing him on dishonesty.  He got in his car, but she held his door open and ranted on.  Eventually, he had enough, gave her wallet back and sped off.  She gave his license number to police, who chased him until he crashed his car, which was stolen.  Police commended her courage, but said they don't recommend doing what she did.  But of course, she doesn't listen to young whippersnappers.

By the way, something tells me she didn't really need  help with her groceries.
 

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Here's a link to an interesting article about Kirstie Alley's upcoming series, "Fat Actress."  She talks about how unforgiving the tabloids are of any imperfections in actresses and how they try so hard to get unflattering photos:

"If someone starts out fat, you don't see them on the cover of the rags.  If you're a pretty actress, you're supposed to stay that way."

This is the same attitude that drives actresses to get excessive plastic surgery.  It's a vicious circle: the tabloids harp on actresses "losing their looks" until they drive them to get plastic surgery, then they run special issues ridiculing them for looking horrible because of their excessive plastic surgery.  It's a particular peeve that really infuriates me.

I think that some highly-paid actresses should pool their money and hire some paparazzi to follow the other paparazzi around, getting unflattering photos of them, and put them out in a special tabloid "Extra!" on how fat and ugly tabloid reporters are.  It might not make a profit, but it would make a good point.  Plus, I bet they'd sell a copy to every actor and actress in Hollywood.

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On the other side of the coin, Ursula Andress, who stopped hearts by emerging from the sea in a white bikini in "Dr. No" in 1962, says today's female stars are too darn skinny.  Andress is disturbed by how thin Nicole Kidman and Cameron Diaz are.  She said, "In my day, there were curves and flesh.  Now all the women are straight, like a poker."  In fact, you could make a ball gown for Lara Flynn Boyle out of the material in Ursula Andress' bikini top.

She makes one exception: she said Halle Berry, who recreated the bikini scene in "Die Another Day," was "lovely" and "very curvy."  Ironically, Andress said she never thought she looked sexy in the bikini," but she did think she conveyed a new way for how women could be, "a sporty and aggressive image."

But then, it's hard not to look aggressive when you're sporting two torpedoes.

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Just to be perverse, I'll finish off with a "World's Greatest Dad" quote guaranteed to leave a bad taste in your mouth.  Joe Simpson, the obnoxious father-manager of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, told GQ that "Jessica never tries to be sexy.  She just is sexy.  If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both.  She's got double D's!  You can't cover those suckers up!"

Know what's really sexy?  A dad talking about his daughter's gazongas to a men's magazine.

Merry Christmas!  You may go take a shower now.
 
 

Dec. 15, 2004

THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM:  "REALITY" TV

Last week, I found myself in the dentist's chair for yet another root canal (long story), and, while the novocaine was taking effect, I had a really good conversation with the dentist about the soaring demand for cosmetic procedures.

"'The Swan' was on the other night," I began.  "There was a woman on that show who'd had all her teeth pulled at age 25!  She had no natural teeth, just some cheapie, fake-looking dentures.  They gave her a mouthful of dental implants, and it transformed her face."

As great as her new teeth looked, I expressed doubt that they could have safely completed the procedure within the stated five weeks (he agreed that much more healing time is needed), and I wondered about the lack of follow-up on "Swan" and "Extreme Makeover" patients.  The dentist's reply told me that I had, indeed, said a mouthful.

"The medical community is really scrutinizing those shows right now," he said.  "The main problem seems to be that viewers see the immediate result and never hear about any longterm consequences."  It's true - they rarely address such issues on those shows.  Will there be any complications?  What are those patients going to look like in a few years?  Is that cheek implant going to migrate northward to her temple?  What kind of maintenance is involved for a mouthful of dental implants?  How will those breast and tummy scars look over time?  And, for optimum healing, was it the best idea to have so many procedures done at once?  Many plastic surgeons don't think so.

The dentist saw another problem.  To paraphrase:  Young people come in here - in their teens and early twenties - asking for an entire mouthful of veneers or crowns.  They want an incredible, perfect smile, and they want it NOW.  Perhaps braces are really the way to go, and it would take maybe two years to fix their teeth, but the response invariably is, "I can't wear braces!  I need to look really good right NOW!"  Or perhaps just a couple of veneers and some whitening would do the trick.  NO.  It's not good enough to have a pleasing smile.  The teeth have to be absolutely dazzling!  Movie-star perfect!  And whiter than any white in the natural world.

Of course, all this perfectionism and impatience has no doubt bought my dentist a mansion, a summer home and a Porsche.  Several Porsches.  But he says he tries not to oversell patients on what they need.  They're the ones insisting on having teeth that would make Julia Roberts purse her lips in shame (if she could).  They've cashed in their inheritance from grandma - or their college fund, whatever -- so hang the cost.

I find it interesting that 18-to-20-year-olds are utterly desperate to look perfect NOW. Even two years from now is too late.  They're already getting the message that this is the critical time in their lives.  Cosmetic surgeons report that, increasingly, teenage girls come in for consultations about breast implants.  They want them NOW, and they want them BIG.  Of course, if anything else about their appearance is less than perfect, they want it fixed, NOW.

Yes, I know, the teen years are horrible.  For many girls, they are a clawing, clutching, bloody fight to determine the most beautiful, the most desirable, the most fashionable, and now, the most anorexic.  (As for myself, a skyscraper-tall, studious, straight-A-plus student, I was cursed with being "Most Likely To Succeed," but that's another story.)  But the girls who leave high school poised to do well in the real world are those with enough self-esteem and personal depth to take themselves out of that race.  In some cases, plastic surgery to improve a truly hated feature, typically a nose, can help them build their confidence, and that's fine, but they're smart enough to know that real self-esteem doesn't come from having huge, fake breasts that, while guaranteeing the presence of that all-essential boyfriend, also virtually guarantee a boyfriend who's hanging around for the wrong reasons.  Two big, fake, wrong reasons.

I just worry that someone who feels compelled to achieve the perfect face (and what is that?) at age 20 is never going to be satisfied and will end up at 50 or 60 looking like Farrah Fawcett or Burt Reynolds.  And no amount of plastic surgery is going to fix that.  Only getting into a time machine and going back to the plastic surgeon's office to say, "I look good enough NOW" is ever going to fix that.

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The Dallas Morning News recently had yet another one of those feature articles about "Aging Baby Boomers" that make me want to scream.

It's bad enough to be forever tagged a "boomer" or "baby boomer."  But since all the "boomers" have finally entered our forties, at least, we now have to be called "aging baby boomers."  The words always go together, as with any other cliche.  (To quote A. Whitney Brown, "I avoid cliches like the plague.")  But everyone is aging - and aging uniquely.  Some women go through menopause in their thirties.  Some people run marathons and care for children and get their Ph.D.'s in their seventies and eighties.  Give me a break.  Stop using the word "aging" to refer to me.

Anyway, this particular article was about the need for city planners to think about how to make communities more livable for people who want to "age in place."  "Aging boomers" don't want to go quietly into retirement homes.  No!  They want to stick around in the land of the living!  They don't want to go to a retirement home.  They don't want to go to Florida and play bingo.  This apparently will be very inconvenient for younger people who can read smaller print and like to run slower, old-model cars off the road of life.  Somehow, communities are going to have to accommodate their aging populations.

For example, some cities are rezoning to allow "accessory apartments" for older family members.  These can be part of the home's floor plan, but they can also be small, portable homes in the back yard. They actually call these  -- brace yourself - "Granny Flats."  The freestanding onnes are designed to be easily removable when Mom goes to that big granny flat in the sky.  (Don't worry; it's okay to call them that because age is the last big culturally-acceptable bias.)

Houses, too, are being redesigned with older people in mind:  one-story floor plans, wider doors, etc.  To me, these changes in residential design sound like good ideas that would benefit people of all ages who might have physical limitations and handicaps.  But, no, we can never get away from the constant reminder that we are getting old.

OLD, OLD, OLD!

Even if we're just heading into our forties now, this is going to be the constant drumbeat for the boomers.

Look, I know the population is getting older.  I know that Clearasil sales are down and Oil Of Olay sales are up.  I know there are serious diseases associated with advancing age.  I know that many of today's middle-aged and older people are popping nearly as many prescription pills as Elvis did.  But, Jeez, we're going to hear about how old we are and what a burden we'll be in 2035 until we're just sick of it.  I'm sick of it NOW.

I don't plan ever to retire.  (As George Burns once said, "I can't die, I'm booked.")  I certainly wouldn't want to go to live in one of those - shudder - "retirement communities," but I don't want to simply "age in place," either.  I hope life takes me to lots of new places.  And I plan to look beautiful (my idea of beautiful) when I'm eighty and beyond.  Barring some debilitating accident or serious medical condition, I'll still live in my two-story house when I'm an old lady and clomp up and down the stairs at least a thousand times a day, just as I do now.

It keeps me in shape.

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"Dr. Phil" has just aired a show called "How To Age Gracefully," focusing on women in their forties who have never really thought to take care of themselves.  His wife, Robin McGraw, spent several weeks putting this episode together.  She included interview clips with grownup women such as Mimi Rogers, Bernadette Peters, Cher (yes!) and Olivia Newton-John in which they talked about aging and beauty.  It was really upbeat and had some good information, but I still get a little frustrated when women whom you know have gone under the knife, when asked their beauty secrets say, "Oh, it would have to be moisturizer!"

From e-mails they'd sent to her, Robin had chosen for makeovers four women in their forties.  (Of course, their exact ages were given, because we all need to know how old everyone is.)  For two weeks, each woman was given the dermatological works (cost was not revealed); they also received great new hair, makeup and clothes.  It's really amazing what flattering, bouncy hairstyles and colorful, subtly-sexy clothes can do, not only for a woman's appearance, but for her mood.  A makeover doesn't have to be of the "extreme" variety to be life-changing.

Dr. Phil had his own segment on the show as well, in which he spoke with a lovely 21-year-old woman who was fearful of getting older.  She could not stand the idea of getting even one tiny sign of age.  She even worried that as she was "getting older" (here, the audience groaned loudly), the pool of available men was getting smaller!  Dr. Phil helped by introducing her to some of the great-looking "old hags" in the audience - and on the stage, too; Robin is 50 -- and showing her what maturity can look like.  She seemed reassured, but I wish there had been more time to deal with her problem.

Since many viewers had written her asking how she looks so great, Robin passed along her own beauty secrets.  I agree with her big priority:  SUNSCREEN!!!  Next in line of importance for Robin would have to be relaxation; she reserves time for herself every evening to take a restful bath.  She cherishes her privacy; she even mentioned that the bathroom door is locked.  Also, Robin uses a line of aloe vera products from Dream Valley Farm; in fact, I got on the Internet after the show (a search actually took me to Robin's section of the Dr. Phil website) and ordered their aloe vera drink called "Aloe Power."  I'll be a guinea pig and give you a report.

I enjoyed this show very much and hope they do more of this type.  One small suggestion, though:  don't make such a huge deal out of every woman's exact age.  Although this practice does prove my oft-stated point that our culture is pathologically age-obsessed, I'd love it if life could become less of a numbers game.  Can't we look at a woman without seeing a two-digit number stamped on her forehead?

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That 21-year-old woman who dreads the coming changes to her face and body should read "Ginger's Gene" in the October 2004 issue of Discover magazine.  (It happened to be on the coffee table in my dentist's office while I was waiting for my date with dentistry.)  Ginger Weber, age 56, was born with a genetic disorder, thankfully extremely rare, called Werner Syndrome, in which certain aspects - though, curiously, not all -- of the bodyy's aging process are greatly accelerated.  As a child, she was active and vibrant and seemed perfectly normal, though very petite, just 4-foot-10.  Her hair began graying and thinning in high school, but she still felt healthy.  It wasn't until after her marriage at 21 that her body started falling apart.  She suffered broken bones, two miscarriages, menopause at 31, loss of her hair, cataracts in both eyes, hip replacement surgeries, loss of tissue from the soles of her feet, improper healing, and, ultimately, the amputation of both lower legs.  Before the amputations, her height had shrunk to 4-foot-7.

Her husband definitely believed those words "in sickness and in health."  He's been there for her the whole time, and now visits her every day - yes, in the nursing home.  She's surprisingly upbeat, because she's shown the doctors she can beat their expectations; Werner's patients almost never make it to 50.

When I read about someone like this, it makes me want to shake the perfectly healthy, normal people who use their age as an excuse not to pursue their dreams.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Mother Nature for cutting me out of reasonably good genetic cloth!  Sure, I can't see very well, at least not without my contact lenses (thank you, Inventor Of Soft Lenses), and my weirdly tender feet require lots of TLC (thank you, Dr. Scholl), and I've even had to deal with serious illness (BIG thank-you to U.T. Southwestern Medical Center).  But compared to someone like Ginger, I have the health and vitality - and, as far as one can ever know, the time - to live a full life of joy and accomplishment.  I'm resolved more than ever not to waste it.

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Finally, those of you who have seen my show will recall the segment on aging movie stars.  Actresses have a dilemma:  Do I stretch and pull and freeze my face so that I still have a shot at lead roles, or do I allow it to move and look real so that I can ACT?  Well, the magazine Entertainment Weekly, in its December 10 issue, has an article called "Saving Face" about that very problem.  Casting directors lament that many actresses (and some actors) are getting so much plastic surgery and Botox that they don't look normal any longer.  Obvious example:  Cher, but there are many others.  Lighting directors complain that they can't make them look right.  Directors lament that heavily Botoxed actresses have the emotional range of your typical J.C. Penney's mannequin.  (Hey, I know!  They could play the cadavers on "CSI.")  Director James L. Brooks calls the use of Botox "messing with the instrument."  Besides, the consensus is that these actresses don't look young, just weird.

"Botox is an epidemic," says one casting director.  "It is now the drug of choice in Hollywood."  She goes on to say there's one show - I say it's got to be "Desperate Housewives" - that's become the brunt of industry jokess for the amount of Botox that's being mainlined, right on the set.

Of course, we all know the pressure that drives actresses to do this.  Movies are targeted mostly to teens, and teens don't care about seeing a movie about 40- or 50-somethings. (Those people are OLD!)  The mostly-male studio executives apparently like 'em young, too, as in barely legal, and they assume the moviegoing public shares their preference.  To quote one of them:  "It's a business principally driven by youth.  There are always going to more opportunities for younger actresses.  Julia Roberts is no longer going get the parts offered to Kirsten Dunst."

Julia Roberts.  What an old bat.

Even parts that once would've been offered to grownup actresses now go to hot young babes.  In the movie "Alexander," one of the more ridiculous examples, the mother of Alexander the Great (Colin Farrell) is played by Angelina Jolie, who is a whopping 11 months older than Colin Farrell!  I should also note that even at her age, the luscious-lipped Jolie has apparently had her own acquaintance with collagen.  Honey, it's just the beginning!  Actresses who become famous for their looks have the worst time continuing their careers.

The article cites Annette Bening as a 46-year-old actress (of course, we all have to know her exact age) who actually plays a 46-year-old actress in the acclaimed film "Being Julia," set in the 1930s.  She has chosen not to go the Botox/surgery route and shows her crow's feet and smile lines.  She looks beautiful and radiant and 46 years old.  It's almost startling to see this in an American film.  Very few Hollywood actresses could have played this part now; they're too "done."  Of course, if there were more parts like this, fewer actresses would get "done."

Movie professionals say the problem of fake-looking middle-aged actresses is so serious that we may witness a seemingly unlikely trend:  the importation of real-looking actresses from Europe!  (For some reason, when European actresses start showing their age a bit, it's considered chic, both in Europe and in Hollywood.)  So for a beautiful American lead actress in her 40s or beyond, the prognosis isn't good.  If she tries too hard to look younger, she may end up looking really strange and lose her career.  If she does a good job of maximizing her looks through healthy living and even some natural-looking plastic surgery, younger actresses will still beat her out for parts, and she'll eventually lose her career.  If she ages gracefully, she may get a chance at the rare parts available for older women, but they will probably go to Julie Christie, so she'll lose her career.  Aging actress in Hollywood just can't win.  Meanwhile, Clint Eastwood -- who has aged fantastically but not, I venture to say, totally naturally -- will still be making great movies.

I should give Eastwood credit for his record of casting actresses of realistic age as his romantic interests.  If he does cast a younger one, it may be because he can no longer find an older one who can move her eyebrows.
 
 
 

Dec. 14, 2004

Just sent out a very long essay to my newsletter list (and why aren't you on that?), which will be posted here as soon as it gets all formatted.   Meanwhile, here's a quickie story for you to ponder and discuss...

Next Saturday, Beijing will host the first Miss Artificial Beauty pageant just for women who've had plastic surgery (the first, if you don't count "The Swan" or Miss Universe).  Organizers got the idea after a contestant in a regular pageant who spent 110,000 yuan ($13,290 US) on surgery sued them for banning her.  There will be 20 contestants, the oldest of whom, Liu Yulan, 62, said, "I wanted to convey a message to society -- that the pursuit of beauty is ageless"  (well, the pursuit of looking 20 is ageless, anyway.)

The pursuit of beauty can also be futile: one woman spent 300,000 yuan ($36,250) in pursuit of the perfect body and didn't make it past the finals.  If only she hadn't already spent 600,000 yuan on cheeseburgers.

As repulsed as I am by this idea, I am curious to see it.  How often do you get to see 20 Chinese women who are all dead ringers for Morgan Fairchild?
 
 

Dec. 10, 2004

Still working on a big essay, but here's a quickie I just had to share with you.  Nicolette Sheridan of "Desperate Housewives" is desperate to kill all the talk that she's had plastic surgery.

Nicolette calls these rumors "malicious and patently false," and she's so hot under the towel about it that she reportedly went to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and paid him to verify that she is surgically unaltered (and would a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon help an actress deceive the public?)   A spokesperson for Dr. Frank Ryan told the Star tabloid, "Dr. Ryan concludes that she has not received any facial plastic surgery, including brow-lift, nose implant, cheek implant and various other procedures."

Of course, in our celebrity rumor-fueled society, that's not going to settle anything.  Jeannette Martello of "Skin Deep" magazine (apparently not the porn kind of skin magazine) is sure she's at least had a brow lift and told US Weekly, "She needs to stop denying something that's so obvious!"

Personally, I would agree with her that it's nobody's business whether she has or hasn't gotten plastic surgery.  I only poke fun at people who obviously go overboard.  And if Nicolette says she's had no plastic surgery, then I'm willing to take her at her word.

10,000 Botox injections still wouldn't be considered "surgery," right?...
 
 

Dec. 8, 2004

Been too busy to blog for awhile.  Pat and I went to see Lu Mitchell last night at a fundraising concert for Theatre Three.  She is just great, with wonderful music and hilarious lyrics.  She's a real inspiration for me, and I know we must be on similar wavelengths since she not only did a Tom Lehrer song, but a number of people in her audience recognized me from having seen my show (there were even Red Hats there!  Deja vu!)   I was thrilled when Lu came to see "My Ship Has Sailed" awhile back; for a parody songwriter/singer, it was like getting a blessing from the Pope.  Pat took a picture of us together afterward, and we'll try to get it posted as soon as it's developed.

I'm working on a longer essay, including some comments on an amazing article in the new Entertainment Weekly that makes the point I've been making in my show for over a year: that excess plastic surgery and the pressure to look young artificially is killing actresses' careers by making them look unnatural and freezing their faces into emotionless masks.  I'll have more to say about that later, but for now, do NOT miss this issue of EW!   "Entertainment Tonight" even did a feature on it Monday.  Everyone will be guessing which TV show they're referring to when they say that one show lays out Botox on the craft table like it's a lunch buffet.  My money is on "Desperate Housewives."   Their foreheads look awfully placid to be that desperate.
 

Well, let's catch up on the news.  Before we get into the funny stuff, here's a new scary story to hammer home my oft-repeated point that no anti-aging procedure, no matter how safe and common, should be entered into lightly.  A clinic in Ft. Lauderdale (and why do so many plastic surgery scare stories come out of Florida?) was sealed off as a crime scene when four people were left paralyzed by botulism after getting Botox injections.  According to this New York Post story, one of them was the doctor who administered the shots to three others and himself.  You'd think this might make people stop being so cavalier about getting Botox.

However, in Germany, they advertised bargain Botox in the circulars for a discount grocery chain (if you want botulism, can't you just go to the meat department?), and it sold out.  So maybe people are past the point of caring about warnings and just want to be injected with that sweet, sweet wrinkle stopper.  Nothing seems to raise their eyebrows anymore...

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Dutch actress and Playboy model Georgina Verbaan came up with a unique way to fight rumors that she's had breast implants: she posted X-rays of her breasts (or of somebody's breasts, anyway) on her website.  Showing the world X-rays of your own intimate body parts!  I'm amazed Madonna never thought of this.

Georgina might have some new troubles, though, since Dutch law is very strict about how X-rays can be used and she might have broken the law.   A spokesman for Holland's ultrasound and radiotherapy association NVMBR said she could've come up with some other way to prove they were real, such as ultrasound (or letting every interested party have a feel.)  The NVMBR now fears that the publicity will spur other women to demand unnecessary X-rays to prove their breasts aren't fake.  Somehow, I don't think this will be as big a concern in California.

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At least one movie star is fighting back against ageism.  Godzilla's 28th movie, "Godzilla Final Wars," is being sold as the big lovable lug's final film before his imposed retirement at age 50 (he'll be joining AARP and moving to Ft. Lauderdale.)  But saddened fans at the Tokyo premiere said they need him to keep wreaking havoc to smash their daily stress.  Director Ryuhei Kitamura told the crowd that marketing executives and producers say this is Godzilla's last film, but "it's a lie," and if this movie succeeds, he'll make a comeback in a few years.  (He's like the Barbra Streisand of famous, fire-breathing reptiles, and yes, I realize that's redundant.)  He just needs some time away to get microdermabrasion and smooth out his scaly skin.

Of course, if Godzilla comes back over 50, he won't get lead roles anymore.  He'll have to play dad parts.

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Let's end with a public service announcement: one of my favorite stars, Diane Keaton, is the celebrity spokesperson for the "Have A Heart Pet Adoption Drive," which hopes to get 300,000 cats, dogs and other pets adopted out of animal shelters by Jan. 2.   She's especially interested in finding homes for mature pets, particularly those previously owned by elderly folks who are too sick to care for their companion animals (one of our 13 rescued parrots is an adorable Jardine's whose owner was in just such a sad situation.)  Everyone wants the cute puppies and kittens, so many times, older animals are overlooked, just like older people can be.   Personally, I believe that old dogs can learn new tricks.  But you'll never find out if you don't invite an old dog (or cat or bird or whatever) into your home and give him a chance!
 
 
 

Dec. 2, 2004

I might as well give up: it is no longer possible to satirize anything.  Reality has become so goofy, no comic imagination could be wild enough to stay ahead of it.  Case in point:

Librarians in West Berkshire, England, were puzzled when they started getting requests for a lot of nonexistent diet books, such as "Honey, I Shrunk My Butt," "Gorge Yourself Gorgeous," "The Stick Insect Diet" and "Now You Can Eat All The Pies And Lose Your Bum While Sitting On It."  They finally figured out that the titles had appeared in a women's magazine, in a humorous ad for Special K cereal that parodied a book club ad full of ludicrous diet books that made ridiculous promises.  But they weren't quite ridiculous enough.  Apparently, a lot of women believed the titles were real (these are readers of women's magazines, after all, and primed to believe ridiculous promises) and wanted to read them.

So writers are hurrying to finish them at this very moment.

I have to hope, at least, that women who asked for "The Stick Insect Diet" were not actually ready to eat stick insects, but just wanted to read it because they want to look like stick insects.  Those who asked the librarians for "The Stick Insect Diet" were directed to Paris Hilton's book.
 
 
 

Dec. 1, 2004

Pat and I went out last night and met some very cool gals at the Women In Film-Dallas' Martini Madness party at Nikita (a trendy bar whose Soviet theme apparently inspired the communal bathrooms, which is frankly taking communism just a tad too far), so we are running even shorter on time than usual.  Still, I have a couple of brief fun diversions for you.

First, a story from the "Age Doesn't Matter" files:  John Whittemore of Santa Barbara, California, threw a javelin 11 feet.  While that doesn't sound too impressive, it did set a new national record for a 105-year-old man.  Apparently, Mr. Whittemore does not need Viagra to get his javelin up.

Mr. Whittemore, who gets around in a walker, said he plans to keep throwing the javelin as long as possible.  He said, "I love to beat the old men.  Most guys my age would rather just stay home and have a drink."  A drink of 100-year-old Scotch, I'd wager.

We learn from this that the secret to living 105 years is to throw the javelin... but never try to catch it.

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And here are a few funny quotes on aging from TV that I've jotted down over the past few days.  Enjoy!...
 

From Jay Leno:  "Lindsay Lohan said she enjoyed being in the hospital for exhaustion because she can't work and nobody bothers her.  Boy, she's gonna love turning 40 in Hollywood!"

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From a couple of "Simpsons" reruns:

Marge: "I've always wanted to go to France!  The women don't age -- like Catherine Deneuve!"

Frenchman:  "Eh, you wait till you see her up close, then you tell me."

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Mayor Quimby, as he cuts the ribbon on the new Springfield Plastic Surgery Clinic, which they tore down the children's hospital to build:

"Thanks to this clinic, we will no longer be terrorized by the spectacle of women aging naturally!"
 
 
 

Nov. 29, 2004

Back from the Thanksgiving break, so I'll take a little time to blog.  This is a slow time of year for news, so let's start with the type of stories that barely even qualify as "news"...

First up, Rockefeller University discovered that EXTREME STRESS AGES YOU!  (As Norm McDonald would say, "Another groundbreaking study from the journal, Duh.")  The researchers found that severe emotional stress, such as going through a divorce (or sometimes, not going through a divorce) or caring for an ill child, may speed up the aging of body cells on a genetic level and actually make you physically "older" than other people of the same age.  That's it!  From now on, my ill children are on their own!

I'm just kidding, of course.  I don't have children...  Still, it's not fair.  Going through a divorce should make you look younger!  After all, that's when you really need it!

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From the fashion front comes another completely unsurprising bulletin:  A study by Britain's Odeon cinema chain found that female celebrities at movie premieres are showing up more naked than ever before, and it's not just Paris Hilton throwing off the curve.  They now expose, on average, 59 percent of their bodies (they demand no-nudity clauses, but apparently, that's just for the movie.)

Oddly, the most prudish decade since the '50s was the 1970s, when stars such as Goldie Hawn and Carrie Fisher showed just 7 percent of their flesh.  The trend toward exhibitionism was sparked in 1994, when Liz Hurley showed up at the debut of "Four Weddings & A Funeral" in a Versace gown barely held together with safety pins (it could've been worse: I hear the original design didn't include the safety pins.)

Researchers say if the trend continues, by 2010, stars will be showing three-quarters of their bodies.  And Liz Hurley will be wearing nothing but high heels.

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And now, let's turn to looks and aging news that actually contains some new information.  According to a study by Prof. Pete Elsner at Jena University in Germany, treating hair with caffeine may help stop men from going bald.  But a spokesman for a cosmetic research firm said men who are worried about hair loss should start treating it with caffeine products while they're still young.  He added that drinking coffee won't help because you'd have to drink 60 to 80 cups a day to get enough caffeine to reach your hair roots.  Then your hair would grow, but you'd look like Don King.

Also, don't just soak your head in coffee.  Especially not McDonald's coffee, or you'll burn your few remaining hairs off.

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Speaking of hair, in a survey of women in the UK, Jennifer Aniston's "Rachel" 'do from "Friends" was named the #1 most influential haircut in history, followed by Farrah Fawcett's and Princess Diana's.  Marge Simpson's came in 14th (Really?  Do you see a lot of women with Marge Simpson hair?  If so, I hope you're not sitting behind them in theaters.)

This poll tells us that a lot of women in the UK are too young to remember a little band called "The Beatles"...

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Adele Hopper, a genius college student from Sunderland, England, was in agony one night after she wore high heels to a dance club, then walked home barefoot.  The Daily Star reports that it inspired her new invention: disposable foam shoes.  For under $4, women can buy a pair and keep them in their purses, then switch them for their stilettos as soon as they leave a party or club.

Of course, many women won't buy the disposable shoes until she offers some more attractive styles, with stiletto heels and pointed toes.

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Finally, I hate to end on a downer, but here's a sad and frustrating celebrity story:

Jamie Lee Curtis told FemaleFirst.co.uk that she is retiring from movies to spend more time with her family.  She said that's more important to her now, and besides, "I'm a 46-year-old fat woman."  She said, "I know that the film business is incredibly cruel as you get older.  My age is an important factor.  I am not aging well.  I don't want to see my face growing old on camera."  (Duh!  That's why nobody in Hollywood lets  their face grow old!)  I guess she just wants to be a regular 46-year-old woman and have nobody notice her at all.

It seems so odd that the woman who proudly posed for More magazine with no special lighting, makeup or retouching to show how comfortable she was with her age and looks would suddenly just throw in the makeup towel like this.  It's doubly puzzling that she thinks she can't make movies anymore, considering she's currently starring in "Christmas With The Kranks," which is the #3 movie in America with a $30.8 million holiday weekend debut.  Sounds like a lot of moviegoers really don't mind looking at her aging face all that much.

I would also like to note that the big flop of the weekend was "Alexander," which made $10 million less than Jamie Lee's movie.  It's the film where Angelina Jolie was cast as Colin Farrell's mother.

Take that, Hollywood!!
 
 
 

Nov. 23, 2004

Pretty busy with work and Thanksgiving coming up, but here are some stories worth sharing around the table as you carve up your traditional Perricone Diet grilled salmon...

Let's get the serious stuff out of the way first.  I have two more yucky plastic surgery cautionary tales.  Rather than try to relate them in detail, I'll just give a brief description and urge you to click on the links for more.

Here's yet another update on that "plastic surgeon" in Miami who was allegedly shoving things into people's bodies with spatulas...And here's another weird one about a shady practitioner who was giving injections of Artecoll, a wrinkle-filler not yet approved in the US, in the kitchen of Lionel Richie's estranged wife.  She was allegedly letting him host "injection parties" for her Hollywood friends in exchange for free treatments.  Artecoll is basically little plastic beads which can cause the body to form hard, ugly lumps, which unfortunately was the result of his handiwork.   One dermatologist said they "belong in Beanie Babies, not people."  Among the victims was Larry King's wife, I assume the current one.

So one more time, if you're thinking of getting plastic surgery, let me grab you by the virtual lapels, shake you hard, and beg you to read the 15 Plastic Surgery Commandments first!

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Now we know why Jamie Lee Curtis, who bravely posed for More magazine with no makeup or retouching, is so anti-plastic surgery.  She told Reader's Digest that she did have some work done on her eyes, "a bit of Botox" and liposuction, and she recently kicked an addiction to painkillers that she claims she developed while recuperating from plastic surgery.  Here's a sample quote from her:

"I attempted various types of plastic surgery, minutely, but enough to stave off this encroaching middle-aged body. And every time I did, something went wrong... I felt misshapen, just not natural any more. I think it was a big stimulator of my drug abuse... It was during a cosmetic procedure that I first had painkillers."

Of course, one surgeon called it "simplistic" and "nonsense" to blame the painkiller addiction on the surgery, but read it for yourself and draw your own conclusions...

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The World's Oldest Man, Fred Hale of Syracuse, New York, died last week at 113, and a new World's Olest Man has claimed the title  (Why he'd want it is a mystery. It's like the curse of King Tut: everyone it touches seems to die shortly thereafter.)  Anyway, the new title holder is Hermann Doernemann of Dusseldorf, Germany, who is 111 and credits his longevity to drinking a glass of beer every day.  Although how this makes him unique in Dusseldorf is beyond me.

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Speaking of senior accomplishments, a 30-year-old thief on a bicycle in Raade, Norway, tried to snatch an 88-year-old woman's purse.  But her 78-year-old male companion reacted instantly, grabbed hold of the purse, struggled with the thief and pulled him off his bike and onto the asphalt.  The thief ran away bleeding profusely and was arrested at a hospital, where he was getting seven stitches in his forehead.

This is why the 88-year-old woman prefers to date younger men.

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On the other side of the ethical fence, J.L. Hunter "Red" Rountree, the nation's oldest known bank robber, who turned to crime in his 80s and said the robberies made him feel good for days afterward, died in a prison hospital in Missouri last month at 92.  Too bad he never tried to rob that 78-year-old Norwegian man's 88-year-old girlfriend.  It might have resulted in a much-needed attitude ajustment.

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In news from the Lookism front, here are a couple of stories about weight prejudice (and I include such stories because I think it all falls under the same umbrella: people associate things like a slender figure, thick hair, etc. with youth, and that's how this society sets its standards of beauty)...

Susan James and Tina Walker of Seattle created a new concept in singles bars.  Their bar, Abundance Northwest, throws "size-positive" club nights, where plus-size women and men can meet without being surrounded by skinny people.  While other bars make large patrons feel "too fat" to be fabulous, one female regular says they're proving that plus-sized people can be hip, fun, sexy and non-frumpy.  The bar is attracting patrons from as far away as Vancouver, Canada, who want to dress up, mingle with like singles and dance to hip-hop music.

One warning, though: Fat guys might dance with plus-size girls, but they always marry hot, slender babes.  If TV sitcoms have taught us anything, it is this.

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Those plus-size party people may look fly, but they'd better not be wearing any Karl Lagerfeld clothes.  The fashion kingpin is reportedly furious that large people are wearing his clothes, and not because they're stretching out the waistbands.  Lagerfeld wrote a book about a diet that helped him lose 80 pounds in a year, and he's fuming at the Swedish retailer H&M for altering his designs to make them fit bigger people.  He ranted to the German magazine Stern, "What I designed was fashion for slender and slim people!"   Or as they're known outside the fashion industry, "Anorexic people."

One question: What did Karl Lagerfeld wear when he  was 80 pounds overweight?

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Finally, someone start working on an orthopedic thong: model Jerry Hall, told the UK Mirror that she'll keep modeling as long as they pay her.  She said she's had to tone down her outfits a bit with age, "but I've still got fabulous legs and wear mini-skirts.  I'll keep wearing bikinis till I'm 80."  In fact, considering the career lifespan of most fashion models, she's probably already been booked to appear in this year's "Modern Maturity" swimsuit issue.

Great Bonus Celebrity Age-Defiance Quote:   Hall said she intends to "grow old gracefully in public, and disgracefully in private."

Unlike her ex, Mick Jagger, who will continue growing old disgracefully both in public and in private.
 
 
 

Nov. 18, 2004

Remember that story from last week about the ring of senior citizen bank robbers in Germany?  Apparently, they are part of a trend.  Since 1995, the number of criminals over 60 in the German justice system has risen 28 percent, so the government is planning the first senior citizens' prison (unless you count certain V.A. hospitals).  Well, I guess you could sort of consider that as a victory for older people not letting age limit their career options.

And this prison isn't for the early retirement crowd.  The cells will accommodate walkers and wheelchairs and have plug-in earpieces for the hard-of-hearing.  Beds and toilets will have hand-rails, and nurses will be on duty 24/7 for health crises and to give sponge baths (bet younger prisoners wish they had that service).  Instead of a weight room, there will be a spa offering physiotherapy.  And instead of college courses, they'll get advice on how to spend their free time so they don't repeat their crimes and end up back in prison.  Because if they use a walker, they're pretty likely to get caught.

But of course, they'll want to return!  It's much  nicer than a nursing home!  I'd come back for the Tempur-Pedic mattresses alone.

Note to self: when I urge people not to let their age keep them from doing new things, I really must be more specific...

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With the new "Bridget Jones" movie opening wide tomorrow, we're up to our granny panties in "Bridget"-related news items, and the most interesting one concerns fashion, which is one of my chosen fields of commentary.

Australian underwear companies say big granny panties are riding up...in popularity.  Retailers...ahem..."Down Under" report that women are "taking a more feminine approach to underwear" and abandoning skimpy G-strings for the new "boy-leg" panties that give them more coverage.  Even men buying underwear for women are opting for boy-legs over G-strings (Caution: if your man would rather buy you boy-legs than a G-string, he might prefer boys' legs himself).  And the parachute drawers will only get bigger: next year, a top lingerie maker will launch a line of full cotton bloomers.

I suppose this was inevitable.  With panties getting smaller every year, and bottoms getting bigger, at some point, something literally had to give.  Since panties couldn't get any smaller, but there's no limit to potential butt expansion, I guess it had to be the panties.

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Playboy.com is shooting a nude pictorial of Jennifer Krum, a very attractive model who lost her left hand and forearm in a car accident as a child. Krum said she might not do it if she had her left arm, but she wants to show the world that amputees can be sexy.  And if this is the way she wants to promote her own personal crusade, then who am I to question it?  Although I am a little suspicious when Playboy says their intention in running her nude photos is to give confidence to other amputee women and a positive, affirming experience to the model.  I'll believe that when Playboy photographs a woman who's lost her breasts.  I also suspect that after they finish with all the Playboy PhotoShop retouching, Jennifer will have a left arm again.

As for public reaction, I doubt that Playboy readers will think it's a big deal to lose your left hand.  Losing their right hand, now that would be a tragedy for them.

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First, Japanese single women had the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow, a pillow shaped like a man's arm and torso for them to snuggle into.  Now, Trane Corp. of Japan has created the "Girlfriend's Lap Pillow" for men.  It's a pair of lifelike, miniskirted female legs made from soft urethane (they're so lifelike because it's the same urethane so many parts of real women are made from these days).  It looks like the bottom half of a hot young woman, ending just above the waist, with her legs bent under, so a man can rest his head on her thighs (click on the story link for a photo).

Naturally, the skirt is removable.  However, the maker insists that it's not nasty, but "pleasant" and healing.  In fact, in a survey, men who used it said the image they associate with it is not excitement but "relief."

Relief that, so far, nobody has caught them using it.
 
 
 

Nov. 16, 2004

Congratulations to John Garcia for the Column Awards!  It was a really wonderful evening of good fun and very talented people from the Dallas theater community, with great numbers from several recent local musical productions, a hilarious opening parody song by Ricky Pope, John's very funny opening production number sending up "I Go To Rio" (with 22 dancers, including a line of chorus girls in giant headdresses) and more.  I was even asked to be a presenter!  (Best Supporting Actor in a Musical - Non-Equity)  It was a real honor for me.

I made a little joke about nobody there knowing who I was (not exactly true, since John does, and one lady in the lobby stopped me to say she'd seen my show).  I have worked in theater most of my life, in both musicals and straight plays (I even played Kate Keller in a production of "The Miracle Worker" in that very theater), but since we moved back to Dallas a few years ago, I've mostly been doing radio work and my own show, which generally plays private performances and nightclubs.  But I'm hoping Watertower Theater will accept "My Ship Has Sailed" for their Out of the Loop Festival next spring, and maybe that will help us reach the theater crowd.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Anyway, if you have any interest at all in theater, you definitely should subscribe to John's free e-mail column.  It's very funny and informative, and you'll know when next year's awards show will be, so you can get tickets, which were only $15 each and the money goes to a very worthy charity.

And now, on to some serious blogging...
 

Oprah has just done another “anti-aging” show, this one inspired by TLC’s new program, “Look Ten Years Younger In Ten Days.”  (Wish I could see that one, too; eventually I’ll just have to break down and get cable, especially now that I'm on it.)  Although Oprah’s last looking-younger show presented some fabulous ideas for revving up one’s appearance, I was horrified at that time to see women prancing down the runway with their ages blasted onto a screen behind them in 6-foot-tall numbers.

Yes, I realize the idea was to shock and inspire viewers with the actual ages of these gorgeous, energized and stylish women.  But I hope that someday we can look at any attractive woman, regardless of her age, and simply say, “Man, she looks great!” We’re not there yet; we’re still age-obsessed.  We still have to be able to quantify – to count the improvement in years.  It’s because (all together now)…

AGE IS THE LAST CULTURALLY-ACCEPTABLE BIAS.

That’s the premise for my show, “My Ship Has Sailed (How To Be A Late Bloomer In A World Obsessed With Extreme Youth!).”  And if I needed more support for my assertion, I got it in spades with Oprah’s newest “anti-aging” episode.

This time, to set up the show with some produced footage, schlumpy-looking volunteers were placed in a transparent, soundproof box on a busy Chicago corner, while passersby were asked to comment on their looks and guess their ages.  The people on the street seemed quite practiced at this; they commented that they knew to look at “tells” like hands, jawline and the area around the eyes.  This came as no surprise to me, because AGE IS THE LAST CULTURALLY-ACCEPTABLE BIAS.  We coolly assess people by age -- the age we think they are -- all the time.

The age-guessers also looked at clothes, because everyone knows that the more frumpy and out-of-style the clothes, the older the wearer must be.  Everyone knows that young people always dress better, right?  (I think it’s somewhere in the Constitution:  “Congress shall make no law allowing people over 35 to shop anywhere but Wal-Mart.”)

The comments were ruthless --sometimes downright mean -- and utterly dismissive of the older-looking volunteers, who, of course, had no idea what was being said about them.  “She’s old,” sneered one younger man of a friendly-looking volunteer with her hair pulled back in a no-fuss ponytail.  “Those glasses look like the ones my MOM wears.”

Well, ugh.

They judged one overweight woman especially harshly, guessing her age at mid-50s when she was only 29!  (By the way, this is why, whenever I say that AGE IS THE LAST CULTURALLY-ACCEPTABLE BIAS, I’m including weight, too.  Putting on weight is generally seen as the natural consequence of getting older. There’s a reason why the smaller size range is called “misses” and the larger is called “women’s.”)

Anyway, while the volunteers were being scrutinized, I couldn’t help thinking of horses -- or even (gulp) slaves -- on the auction block, with interested buuyers counting their teeth to determine their age.

As for the age-guessing, it was all over the map.  Not only do we think we can categorize a person based on his or her age, but we’re also pretty confident we can guess the age with accuracy.  Wrong on both counts!  We not only make uninformed judgments about people based on their age, we can't even judge the thing we're making uninformed judgments about!  Most of the volunteers happened to be casual about their appearance; they dressed in comfortable, less-than-flattering clothes and had obviously had little acquaintance with sunscreen.  Most of the volunteers had sun-damaged skin, and the one male participant had gray in his hair.  All of them were judged to be older then they were, sometimes by a huge margin.

Oprah took the average of all the guesses for each volunteer and told each one in turn.  Since AGE IS THE LAST CULTURALLY-ACCEPTABLE BIAS, it didn’t surprise me that many of them shed tears when they heard the number.  We all want to be judged as younger than we are.  We’re all “tryin’ to pass.” In our culture, being thought of as older than you are is indeed a horrible thing.  Lately, it’s even worse:  after hearing over and over that 50 is the new 30,” it must hurt to find out that, for you, 30 is the new 50!

But then came the good part.  All the participants got makeovers in exchange for subjecting themselves to this humiliation, and viewers got to see all the wonderful age-shedding processes available to anyone with a bottomless piggybank.  True to the show’s theme, all were made considerably younger-looking in ten days.  Of course, everyone got a day with the dermatologist, where numerous effects of sun and age were almost instantly vaporized by such treatments as microdermabrasion, thermage, and a cutting-edge combination of lasers.  Everyone got a trip to the spa, too, and even if that vitamin-and-mineral mask didn’t have any long-term benefit for the skin (no one mentions that oh, by the way, skin doesn’t absorb minerals), it had to be fun and relaxing. They each got a fabulous outfit, great hair, and new makeup.  One of them even got Lasik eye surgery to rid herself of those “Mom” glasses, the source of so much disdain.

When they came out to see Oprah, they all obviously felt transformed, happy, and jazzed about their lives.  They all looked great.  They were thrilled to look so much younger, and why wouldn’t they be?  I want to look younger myself!  I eat wild salmon every day, buy 30SPF sunscreen in industrial-sized barrels, highlight my hair, and even stick Frownies on my forehead before going to sleep so I’ll look fresher and more beautiful.  Of course, everyone has to decide for herself where to stop – in my case, no paralyzing my face with Botox, spraying on a tan, inflating my lips to frightening proportions, crippling my feet with 4-inch stilettos, or having my eyebrows surgically arched into a permanent expression of surprise.  The reasonable efforts I’ve chosen to make in the interest of health and beauty are paying off, and I think that in many ways, I look and feel better than ever.  In five years, I hope to look and feel even better than I do now!

So I’m all for these “age-defying” makeovers.  In a culture where people are still judged by their age, I’m not about to say, “Forget your looks!  Bake in the sun!  Be a dried-out old prune!  Eat all the junk food you want!  Get fat!  Give up!”  On the other hand, I’m not going to tell you to try to “look 28,” run to the plastic surgeon for a monthly consultation or obsess over every teensy line, either.  (If you do that, you’re going to end up looking like Farrah Fawcett.)  I’m going to say, “Look at your life, at how age bias affects you and your goals for the future, and then make an educated, carefully-considered and conservative choice for dealing with it.”  In fact, one thing I especially liked about the Oprah program was that it showed some of the small, non-surgical steps one can take to make a lot of difference.

And as horrified as I was by the sight of people being put on display, scrutinized, ridiculed mercilessly and assigned that all-important “number,” I’m glad Oprah did it, because it illustrated in graphic terms what goes on in real life.

Anyway, the show went on to describe some other procedures that can help erase the appearance of years, the most intriguing of which was something called “threading.” Instead of getting a surgical neck-lift, the patient has fine strings threaded under her skin, from one temple, down one side of her face (how the heck do they get it through there?), under her chin, up the other side and ending at the opposite temple.  The strings are then tightened and anchored at each end to firm and reinforce the jawline.  If the skin starts to sag in a few years, the patient can always go in again and have her strings pulled!

One benefit of this procedure is that it takes place under local anesthesia.  If only the author Olivia Goldsmith (First Wives Club) had undergone this method instead of having general anesthesia for her neck-lift!  She went into a coma, you know, and never woke up.  This was a stunning tragedy.  I wonder if they had an open-casket funeral service for her; she would have no doubt looked lovely.

Moving on…Oprah’s show ended with an appearance by my anti-aging hero, dermatologist Dr. Nicholas Perricone, M.D.  (If you’ve seen my show, you know I sing a Puccini aria in his honor:  “O Worship Dr. Perricone.”)  He talked about “the facelift in your fridge,” which includes wild salmon, blueberries, more wild salmon, colorful veggies, extra-virgin olive oil, and more wild salmon.  It does not include sugar, starches, saturated fats, and most processed foods.  Of the things I do for myself to “keep young and beautiful,” I’d have to say this is the one that makes the most difference.  Dr. Perricone has a new book out, The Perricone Promise, which is already a bestseller.  I haven’t seen it yet but will certainly be reading it from cover to cover.
 

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Speaking of the issue of weight as it relates to age, Eve Ensler (The Vagina Monologues) has just opened on Broadway in her latest one-woman show called The Good Body.  It’s her humorous take on body image as experienced by a variety of women.

In an article in the New York Post, Ensler says, “When I was growing up, there were no shows like ‘The Swan,’ where women did complete, utter surgical makeovers of themselves…what is it about being skinny that makes everything okay?”  In her case, it was a flabby stomach that she agonized over for years.  Today, she’s fine with it; she says she wouldn’t trade bodies with anyone.

She sounds a little like me on the issue of plastic surgery and other cosmetic procedures when she says, “It’s not, ‘is Botox good, lipo bad?’  It’s more:  What’s your story?  What made you think getting a shot of botulism in your forehead would make you feel better about yourself?”
 
 

If you choose to read the whole news story, you’ll learn, of course, that Eve Ensler is 51.
 

(UPDATE!  Here's a review of the show by Clive Barnes, who notes that women outnumber men in the audience 20-1.  I know the feeling.  But really, men, it's okay!  You'll like my show!  There's even a song that's all about you!)
 
 
 

Nov. 12, 2004

It's looking as if the next performance of "My Ship Has Sailed" at Django will be on Sun. Jan. 30.  I'll keep you posted when that is firmed up.

Tonight, we'll be attending the fundraising party and silent auction to benefit the Women's Chorus of Dallas.  It's at the Park Cities Hilton, and there will be food, music and hundreds of donated items (including passes to "My Ship Has Sailed").  Admission is only $10, and you could pick up some great Christmas gift bargains while helping a good cause.  So dress to the nines and come on out!

Speaking of good causes, we'll also be attending The Column theater awards Sunday night at the Patty Granville Arts Center in Garland.  This is a fun event created by local critic/actor John Garcia.  You can see some of the best local theater talent performing numbers from their nominated musicals, and the very reasonable admission price benefits Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.  It's open to the public, and you don't even need a reservation.  It's also another excuse to dress like you're going to the Oscars and hobnob with show folk, so why not come on out?

And now, some news to kick off your weekend...

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Police in Soest, Germany, arrested a gang of armed robbers and were stunned to find they were granddads.  They're suspects in 30 bank robberies dating back 15 years.  The men, aged 63, 72 and 74, were caught in a parking lot as they were putting on masks before a hold-up.  A police spokesman (who must have heard the line from my show that "getting old is the ultimate crime") said they were expecting young gangsters, and "instead we saw these doddery old (guys) with lined faces and bald heads."  Well, no wonder they had to wear masks!  Maybe they needed to rob a bank to afford extreme makeovers.

Meanwhile, in New York, Aleta St. James, 56, gave birth to twins Tuesday, but her accomplishment may soon be eclipsed by Frances Harris of Sylvester, Georgia, a great-grandmother who's expecting twins next month at a record 59 years old.  Ladies, please!  You really must remember to take your birth control pills!

I pass along these stories to remind you that while my crusade is to convince people not to let their age prevent them from doing whatever they want, perhaps there are some things they might want to think over a little harder before going for it.

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From the "I Knew This Wouldn't Last" Dept.:  The low-carb diet fad has apparently peaked.  Fewer people are following the Atkins and South Beach diets, and makers of starchy foods such as cereals, pasta and snack cakes were greatly relieved to report that sales are climbing and they're making profits again.

Say, know who's most happy to hear the Atkins fad is over?  Cows.
 

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Here is my favorite story of the month:  Maggie, a 43-year-old orangutan at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo, had become a sullen couch potato, uninterested in romance.  She had a thyroid condition that made her obese, and she also had headaches, bad skin, dry brittle hair, constipation and gas.  Which meant she was still less of a mess than the contestants on "The Swan."

So the zoo gave her an "Extreme Makeover."  They treated her thyroid, changed her diet and put her on an exercise program.  One year later, she's lost over 90 pounds, her skin's cleared up, her hair is shiny, her digestion's improved, and I assume she now smells like "White Diamonds" by Elizabeth Taylor.  And proving that orangutans and humans are virtually interchangeable, she's also mating again -- with a male orangutan who is less than one-fourth her own age!  That's right: she's the Demi Moore of orangutans!

Check out the link to see her "Before and After" photos.  And just imagine how hot she's going to look once they finish her full-body bikini wax.

Next: Brazilian butt-lifts for aging female baboons!
 
 
 

Nov. 10, 2004

Pat and I attended the Leon Rabin theater awards Monday night.  It was a lot of fun; we saw many friends and acquaintances in the local arts community, and the show was very entertaining, with two witty hosts and numbers from many of the nominated musicals.  If you have an interest in the theater, this is a great way to learn a lot about it quickly and tickets are sold to the public, so be there next year!

Did you happen to catch "MAD TV" last Saturday night?  They did a hilarious parody promo for a new Fox reality series: a sequel to "The Swan" called "The Duckling."  In it, parents subjected their three- and four-year-old daughters to plastic surgery, abusive personal trainers and fashion makeovers to correct their "imperfections."  When the children cried, the parents would scream at them that they just didn't want  it enough.  At the end, the little girls toddled to a mirror to admire themselves, sporting sleazy gowns, teased wigs, trowled-on makeup and inflated lips, looking like transistorized hookers.  It was so much like the real world of baby beauty pageants, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
 

And now, the age, health and beauty news...

Government scientists at Biotechnology Australia predict that due to advances in biotech, by the year 2020, we will be able to slow the aging process (by injecting everyone with Dick Clark's DNA) and life expectancy will have reached 120 years.  Of course, TV shows will still be aimed at 12-year-olds, movies at 18-year-olds, and everyone will still want to retire at 50.  But at least I'll be able to keep performing "My Ship Has Sailed" for another...er...95 years!  Yeah, that's the ticket!

Before you get too excited, you should know these same scientists predict that by 2020, you'll also be able to own a glow-in-the-dark cat.  So if you thought the cat hair on your couch was noticeable now...

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Way back on Feb. 24, I told you the great story about the '80s British rock band The Alarm, which exposed the ageism in the music industry when they had their first radio hit in years by releasing a video featuring a hip young band lipsynching a song the Alarm really recorded.  (Young, attractive no-talents lip-synching to music really created by someone else?  Why, it's unheard of!)

Well, the prank was so good, "Shrek" producer John Williams has now optioned it for a semi-fictional movie version.  In it, the older band will be a group that broke up years ago, reunites for a Joe Strummer tribute concert, then gets the idea for the lipsynching scheme.  The Alarm hope to make a cameo appearance in the movie, which is better than they managed in their own video.

Hollywood couldn't hire the Alarm to play themselves, of course.  They're too old.

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British statisticians report that the increasing divorce rate has given rise to a new demographic group that they refer to as "footloose fiftysomethings" or "Bridget Jones' Mother" -- although the women prefer to think of themselves as "Bridget Jones' Hotter Older Sister."  They are single women in their 50s who were found to drink wine, beer or liquor as often as their daughters.  One in five regularly goes to bars in hopes of meeting someone, and many search for men through the Internet, dating services or traveling.  The researchers said these women never pursued hedonistic pleasures while young and they're not ready to turn old without experiencing it.  These days, not even grannies wear granny panties.

Good for them for getting out there and defying age stereotypes!  I also wish them good luck in finding men of their own age who are really interested in a romantic relationship...other than with their daughters.

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Speaking of "Bridget Jones," those movies' co-star Colin Firth said it fascinates him that men change their bodies for movie parts al the time and nobody cares, but people are in utter disbelief that a Hollywood actress like Renee Zellweger would gain weight on purpose.  He must not be as familiar with Hollywood body image culture as you'd think.  Out there, the only way an actress can put on 20 pounds and still find work is if it's 20 pounds of silicone.

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Finally, another story of an age-defying celebrity.   A 19-year-old Australian DJ paid $180 at a charity auction to meet Liz Hurley, but she got angry and had him thrown out when he started begging her to take his virginity.  He's typical of most young radio DJs I know: they all want to start at the top.

If that's all he wanted, he really should've saved his money to buy a date with Demi Moore.
 
 

Nov. 6, 2004

Back with another diary entry after several busy days.  Aside from our usual work of writing The Comedy Wire every night and spending the days sending out promotional materials for "My Ship Has Sailed" (got a cabaret in New York that needs a great show?  Give us a call!), my husband Pat has kept us hopping.  He was recently asked to become a judge for the Leon Rabin Theater Awards, which are sort of the Dallas versions of the Tonys.  That means he has to see every musical performed by every member theater, plus all new non-musical works.  We get two free tickets to everything, and we are seeing a lot of wonderful shows.  There are so many super-talented performers in Dallas these days, and a growing number of excellent theater companies.  In one week, we saw Watertower's "It Ain't Nothin' But The Blues," Plano Rep's "Camelot," Uptown Players' "The Wild Party," and Pocket Sandwich Theater's "White Trash Vs. the Monster of Booger Creek."  Talk about cultural whiplash!
 

On top of all that, Pat also has a sideline as a humorous public speaker, and I accompanied him to a Ft. Worth country club Thursday night where he entertained a dinner of Haltom City elected officials and commission members with his speech based on our book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."  I think it was the best I've ever seen him: he's always funny, but that night, he seemed particularly "on," and the audience was terrific.  If you ever have a corporate seminar or civic club banquet and need a speaker to wake your people up, you should definitely give him a buzz (for more info click here), and I don't just say that because I'm married to him and think he looks handsome in a suit (the only time he wears anything other than Hawaiian shirts that are as wrinkled as raisins is when he's speaking, so please call him and get him into a suit, for my sake).   And if you'd like to read an excerpt from "Nine Hallmarks..." (and to order a copy, or 40 -- Christmas is coming, after all!), click right here.

Anyway, now that I finally have a spare minute, let's catch up on the news from the age, beauty and fashion fronts...
 

On the topic of Christmas gifts, one of the hottest gifts this year in Britain (and one of the best ways to say, "Honey...you're repulsive!") will be gift certificates for plastic surgery, often given by husbands to wives.  "Breast implants: The gift that keeps on giving!"  Reminds me of the time Homer Simpson gave Marge a bowling ball for her birthday that was really a gift for himself, only in this case, it's more like two bowling balls.

Reuters reports that the vouchers come in values from $90 to $1800 and are mostly used for non-surgical procedures such as Botox and face peels.  The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons expressed concern that this was trivializing surgery by treating it as a commodity, like a bottle of perfume (give both and say, "Honey, you're repulsive, and  you stink!")   But sellers say patients are still assessed by doctors before any work is done, and most expressed a desire for surgery before the gift was given, so they're not angry to receive it.

And if they look angry, a little Botox will take care of that.

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If plastic surgery and Botox don't appeal to you, the latest alternative is acupuncture.  Some acupuncturists claim that by balancing the body's energy and letting it flow freely, laugh lines fill in and scowl creases fade.  It requires being stuck with 26 needles all over the face and body for an hour, and it takes ten sessions, one every other day, at about $150 each, which makes it far more expensive than Botox.  Some women swear it's painless and makes a difference, although the president of the American Society of Plastic Surgery called it a waste of time and money.  The acupuncturists responded by telling him to stick it.

As a skeptic, I suspect the wrinkles are just filled in by the swelling, and that it would only work if you're stuck with 26 hypodermic needles, all filled with Botox.  And it seems as if getting stuck with 26 needles would make you scowl more.  But what the heck, give it a try if you're so inclined and let me know how it works.  I promise I won't needle you.

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Here's another in our continuing series of stories on the powerful effects of physical beauty:

According to Funreports.com of Russia, a European psychological study found that male viewers have trouble comprehending TV news when it is read by an attractive woman (I have trouble comprehending the news when it's read by Tom Brokaw, but I think that's mostly a diction issue.)

75 percent of 1500 male respondents were so distracted by the anchor's beauty and the movement of her sensual lips, they couldn't remember the first minute of the news, and only 40 percent could recall the report's highlights (and the only highlight they recalled was her sensual lips.  That, and the time she said the word, "Bush.")

By comparison, 86 percent of men comprehended the news better when it was read by a nerdish female anchor with no makeup or lipstick.  Unless she has big boobs, of course.  And even putting horn rim glasses on her won't help: look at all the guys slobbering over Tina Fey and Ashlee Banfield.

I guess the only solution, if we want men to be well-informed on current events, is to hire only unattractive female news anchors and force them to go on camera in unflattering clothes and no makeup.  Then, men will sit down in front of the TV and immediately switch to the Playboy Channel.

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Rosalind Strover of Suffolk, England, made a 50-to-1 bet ten years ago that she would live to be 100.  Friday, she turned 100 and she stood to collect $23,200.  She celebrated with a big party for all her relatives at a country club.  The bookmaker said, "I suspect Rosalind is the best looked-after mother-in-law in the land."  So that's what it takes to get decent care from your family in your later years, if you're wondering.

Wait until her relatives find out the money is payable in 20 annual installments.  Or better yet, I hope she tells the bookie, "I'm shooting for 120.  Let it ride."

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A small tin canister of Roman face makeup from the second century AD has been unearthed in London, perfectly preserved under mud.  And it's not the turquoise eye shadow women wore in all those 1960s "Hercules" movies.  University of Bristol chemist Richard Evershed said they think it was a foundation makeup used to achieve the fair complexion Romans considered attractive.  It's 40 percent animal fat, 40 percent starch, and 20 percent tin oxide, to make it opaque white.  Evershed said the cream is very sophisticated, and while it's ancient technology, it doesn't differ much from today's cosmetics.   Joan Rivers used it then, and she uses it now.

It's always interesting to see how little things have changed even over vast periods of time.  I wonder if the starch was to stiffen the forehead so the eyebrows couldn't move?  If so, then the ancient Romans invented Botox.

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Let's finish off with a celebrity plastic surgery bulletin...

Remember my earlier story about all the rumors that British beauty Kate Beckinsale had a botched boob job?  This led one "bad plastic surgery" website to award her the uncoveted title of "Worst Breasts In Hollywood," passed to her after the death of Marlon Brando.  Well, Kate is again denying that she's had any work done, and blames the rumors on the stretch marks on her cleavage, but she insists, "I've got stretch marks everywhere!"   Yes, that's much more appealing than admitting to a second-rate boob job.

Anyway, I don't think the rumors were sparked by her stretch marks so much as they were by her breasts' apparent ability to defy gravity.  But I refuse to judge.  Take a look at the photo in that first link and decide for yourself whether her stretch marks are a result of stretching the truth.
 
 
 

Nov. 2, 2004

The new air schedule for the DCTV special was finally posted.  The next two showings are this Friday and Saturday (see times and channels at the top of this page).

Don't forget to vote today!  And here are a few news items to ponder while you're waiting in that endless line to impregnate a few chads...

I recently wrote about how Renee Zellweger enjoyed being heavier for the Bridget Jones movie.  Well, she's not the only one who envies Bridget's lifestyle.  In a survey of 2,000 single British women, one in four admitted that on first dates, they wear unsexy "granny panties" like Bridget Jones.  Guess they save the black lace thongs for date #3.

At least, if they do decide to let a man get into their panties on the first date, there's plenty of room for both of them.

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As much as I love and admire Oprah Winfrey (and I subscribe to O Magazine), I must admit that O's list of the 50 Greatest Chick Flicks is a bit baffling.  It does not include "Sleepless in Seattle," "When Harry Met Sally," "You've Got Mail" (how can there be a chick flick list with no Meg Ryan? It's sacrilege!), "Waiting to Exhale," "Sophie's Choice," or "An Affair to Remember" (did they just not remember?)

But what is on the list?  "Aliens!"  Well, it does feature a strong, powerful female lead -- but it's the alien queen!  Besides, men would rather watch "Aliens" than stab their own eyes out with hot pokers, so it can't be a chick flick.  Oh well, read the list for yourself and discuss...

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Finally, here's a feature story that's too long and interesting to summarize, so just read the whole thing.  It's about Avon targeting younger women with a new line of cosmetics which they can sell to other college-age girls, and how these young women are learning not only about cosmetics, but also about sales, marketing, bookkeeping and business.  As a self-employed person myself, I can relate.  I can also relate to what one of the girls says in the story about her cosmetics:

"I don't even know [what brand I buy]. The cheapest."
 
 
 

Oct. 31, 2004

Happy Halloween!  Pat and I went to Contemporary Theater last night to see the live production of "Rocky Horror Show."  What a terrific show and cast!   If you were a fan of that when it was a midnight movie, then you must see it live.  And be sure to bring along your playing cards, toilet paper and other stuff to throw.  They expect it.

Sorry about the delay in getting the next airtimes for the TV special posted, but DCTV hasn't updated them yet.  We'll have them here as soon as we get them.
 

Just a quick story from the Hollywood beauty front, and then it's back to work:

Renee Zellweger had to gain 20 pounds and go up to a size 14 again to make the "Bridget Jones" sequel, but she really liked the extra weight.  She said her boobs were bigger, and she loved being able to wear her C-cup bra.  She and all her friends thought she looked sexier, she felt better, and all the men around her made it abundantly clear that they found her more attractive with the extra curves.

However...she's now lost the weight and is back to her usual unhealthily skeletal look because that's what Hollywood studio executives demand if she's going to get cast in movies.

It's ironic that one of Hollywood's top goals is to find women men want to look at, but when men try to tell them that they don't necessarily think a woman has to be as skinny as Wile E. Coyote to be attractive, Hollywood responds, "The audience is wrong!  Go on a diet!"

Maybe this inclination to give the audience what they think it should want rather than what it really does want explains the greenlighting of all those Ben Affleck movies.
 
 
 

Oct. 29, 2004

Not much time for blogging, but I do have a few stories to share...

Berlin chef Gero Winiarski has developed a German version of the Atkins diet.  It's basic German fare, except you can't eat potatoes or dumplings, just sauerkraut, beer and Schweinshaxe, a massive pig knuckle roasted in a way that Winiarski says removes the fat.  Apparently, it's so popular in Germany, all the pigs are walking around on stumpy legs.  Winiarski claims a colleague is on the pork knuckle, sauerkraut and beer diet and has lost 20 pounds.

And all his friends...

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God knows I could use some more money, and the Kammerspiele Theatre in Hamburg, Germany, may have hit on a brilliant new revenue stream for all us struggling live performers (I mean people who really perform live, not people who lip synch while doing a sprightly Darby O'Gill dance on "Saturday Night Live" -- and by the way, am I the only one who interpreted Ashlee Simpson's dance to mean "The jig is up"?)

Anyway, at this German theater, actors come out on stage before and after the show and perform live commercials for everything from detergent to beer.  Director Dieter Wedel said the ads won't interrupt the shows, and "the dialogues could be as exciting as Shakespeare or Chekov"  ("To be or not to be -- a member of the Hair Club for Men?"..."Tonight's production of "The Cherry Orchard" is brought to you by Hostess Fried Pies...")

I can already hear myself: "My Ship Has Sailed will begin in just a moment, folks, but first: Have you considered Botox?..."

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Finally, a study by the National Center for Health Statistics found that Americans are growing in all directions.  The average adult American is an inch taller than in 1960, but 25 pounds heavier.

Of course, for women, that could just be the weight of the breast implants.
 
 
 

Oct. 27, 2004

Sorry to go so long between blogs, but I've been very busy.  We're on a hiatus from public shows, but I'm doing a ton of work to line up private and corporate shows, getting out promotional packages, attending convention trade shows, etc.  I'll be glad when I finally come to the end of all these decades of work and become an overnight success.  Remember, if you have a party, fundraiser or corporate event and could use some entertainment, drop me a line and see if we have a hole in the schedule!

I hope you'll be able to catch the TV special.  Dave Clements and the staff at DCTV really did an amazing amount of work on it.  I think you'll like it.  It's only 30 minutes of highlights from the show, but if you come to see it, believe me, there's a lot more material.  The hardest part of all the post-production was deciding what to cut out, and it resulted in much tearing of hair and rending of chic garments.

And now, let's quickly catch up on the health, beauty, age and plastic surgery news...
 

Raul Munoz, the head of Mexico's state oil monopoly Pemex, is under pressure to resign over a too-generous employee benefits package, and his wife's liposuction may be the last straw (or hose).  The Reforma newspaper reported that Pemex paid $12,345 for Munoz's wife's liposuction and eyelid surgery.  $12,000 worth of liposuction?!  Why didn't they just sink an oil rig into her?!

Munoz says he reimbursed Pemex, even though Pemex's medical coverage normally helps with plastic surgery  (but for mistresses, not wives).  Personally, I think oil companies should have to pay for all extreme plastic surgery.  It's only fair, since the patients end up being 95% petroleum by-products.

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Here's an exciting story from Fitness magazine:  It seems that many high-end designers are creating profitable clothing lines for larger women, so stores are finally buying larger mannequins.  The standard mannequin is size 4 and shaped like a tall, skinny fashion model, while the average American woman is size 14.  But in 2000, mannequin maker Ralph Pucci created a dummy called "Big Bertha" that more resembled Anna Nicole Smith (why do you think they call them "dummies"?), and it revolutionized the industry.  Many newer mannequins now have realistic figures modeled on J.Lo or Beyonce, with ample behinds.  Shoppers say the dummies are sexy and healthy-looking, and women (and, possibly, male transvestites) can finally tell how a dress might look on them.

They'll look just like Beyonce!

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"Celebrities...Is there anything they don't know?" -- Homer Simpson

This celebrity quote really has nothing to do with plastic surgery, other than being from one of my most Botoxicated idols, Cher, but I have to share it because it's just so loopy.  Cher spoke at a John Kerry rally at a Miami Beach disco last Friday.  She was embarrassed that thousands of people were expected and only a couple hundred showed up, but she went through with it.  She told the "crowd" that if Bush is reelected, gay guys "are going to be living in some state by yourselves.  So I hate scare tactics, but I really believe that that's true."

Could we give them Kansas?  It could really use a makeover.

Seriously, I doubt that gay men will be forced to move to one state (although they might be forced to move in with Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.)  Say, maybe this is a story about plastic surgery.  Maybe the silicone is leaking into Cher's brain.

By the way, I hate to use scare tactics, too, but if Cher could draw only a couple hundred gay guys to a Miami disco, then she's the one who should be scared.

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Here's a little blatant ageism news: a French supermarket mogul told President Jacques Chirac that he shouldn't be making rules to govern business because he may be too old at 71 to understand the hard-nosed world of retail.  He said, "Chirac is advocating a soft approach, which is normal at his age."  (Not anymore, thanks to Viagra and Cialis.)  He rubbed it in by praising the 49-year-old Finance Minister as better able to understand modern retail.

Forty-nine?!  In America, a 49-year-old is considered so over-the-hill, he's lucky to land a job in retail as a Wal-Mart greeter!  And in Hollywood studios, retirement age means "when you start to shave."  There may be a million reasons why Jacques Chirac should retire, but I would hope age isn't one of them.  The story notes that it's rumored he's having problems with his hearing, but when your job requires you to listen to French bureaucrats complaining all day long, that could be a positive.

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Finally, another story warning about taking plastic surgery too lightly.  This one comes from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons or "BAAPS" (sounds like something you'd need surgery to cure.)  It recounts the usual health risks, but also contains a unique point: that it's a bad idea to get cosmetic surgery during times of major upheaval, such as moving, bereavement, a break-up or child birth.  They give an example of a woman who got a nose job while going through a divorce, and while it was technically a success, she didn't like it.  Perhaps her nose was still out of joint over the divorce.   There was also a woman who complained of an unsuccessful breast reduction, and it turned out she got the surgery while she was breastfeeding.

All this did was leave her baby hungry.
 
 
 

Oct. 20, 2004

This is very cool: my performance at Saturday's Munger Place Centennial Party got a mention in Alan Peppard's Dallas Morning News column, amongst all the news about the celebrities and society swells.  Here's an excerpt:
 

   "Munger Place, the East Dallas neighborhood that sports the country's largest
    collection of prairie-style homes, will be 100 years old in April.
    On Saturday, residents got the celebration rolling with a formal fete at the
    white Swiss Avenue mansion of Bobby Chitwood and Sue Hilton.

    Watel's owner Rene Peeters laid out beef tenderloin, salmon and chicken
    dishes. Bobby's band, Restoration Blues, provided the entertainment with
    local actress, nationally syndicated comedy writer and award-winning
    preservationist Laura Ainsworth..."
 

He did leave out three vital pieces of information:
1.  I sang with pianist Wade Cottingham, not Bobby's band;
2.  I performed a concert of turn-of-the-century songs in an appropriate costume;
3.  Those stuffed mushrooms from the Garden Cafe really were to die for.  Or to kill for, if someone is standing between you and the buffet table.

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One of the points I make in my show is that men can be just as bad as women when it comes to worrying about their age and looks, maybe even worse.  I'd like to thank John Edwards for giving us a sterling example of a guy who spends more time fussing with his hair than Sarah Jessica Parker does.  I bet Dick Cheney would never spend this much time on his hair.

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Speaking of preening men, Rod Stewart had some choice remarks on the effects of age on his famous libido.  Rod admitted to Britain's Radio Times that he sometimes actually turns down sex with his hot (and of course, much younger) model girlfriend Penny Lancaster because he's just too tired to fan her hot legs.  Rod observed, "As the years go by, we don't get it up as often as we used to.  It's quality now, not quantity.  Kissing is very important."

Coming from Mr. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," that's almost sensitive.  Before you know it, he'll be cutting a new version of one his biggest hits, retitled "Tonight's The Night...Well, Maybe Tomorrow Night."

Of course, I think we all know what Rod's real problem is.  Penny is getting too old for him.

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There's a controversy at the Madrid Masters Tennis Tournament, where young tennis fans who used to chase down errant balls have been replaced with a troupe of 19-to-28-year-old models in short skirts and tight tops.  Spectators applauded, but some politicians call the change frivolous and sexist; and the replaced ball girls say the new girls don't even know the game, and that it's a sport, not a catwalk (plus it takes them much longer to chase down the balls in those stilettos).  But Spanish player Alex Corretja says the players don't even notice because all they look at is the ball and their coaches.

Martina Navratilova replied, "Speak for yourself!"

The only good news in this turn of events is that we've finally found a job on a tennis court that Anna Kournikova can handle.

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Here's a story that ties in to the recent backlash in Carmel, California, against mature women posing nude for charity...

Duchess of York and Weight Watchers spokeswoman Sarah Ferguson has agreed to pose nude for an AIDS charity book, wearing nothing but a pair of designer shoes and some discretely-placed Cartier jewels (don't worry: all her jewels are as big as hubcaps.)  But Britain's Sun tabloid immediately launched a campaign to dissuade her, called "Keep 'Em On, Fergie."  The paper is running petition coupons for readers to fill out and mail in.  They read, "Dear Fergie: Please, please don't inflict your naked pictures on the world."

Personally, I think Fergie's looking pretty darn good, and I don't see what their problem is.  Maybe they're worried she'll give the Queen ideas.  Or maybe the British just want to go for one week of their lives without seeing some royal family ass in public.

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Finally today, In Touch Weekly reports that Courtney Love wants to get on the Ashton-Demi "young boy toy" bandwagon and is asking friends to fix her up with "eligible boys" over 18 but under 30.

In this case, I wouldn't worry about the age difference.  Dating Courtney Love should age them fast.
 
 
 

Oct. 18, 2004

Recuperating from a busy weekend: Saturday night, I entertained at the Munger Place Centennial Celebration at a big, beautiful mansion on Swiss Avenue.  I rented this absolutely gorgeous (and dangerously low-cut) turn-of-the-century dress, and pianist Wade Cottingham and I performed a selection of songs from about 1905 to 1917.  It was a fantastic party, and the mushroom caps from the Garden Cafe were to die for.  I may post some photos when we get them developed.  Pat is also trying to catch up on scanning and should be posting more photos of all types shortly.

And now, a little news...

I noted back on June 27 that California was considering letting dentists do all types of plastic surgery, but the London Daily Telegraph reports that private practice dentists in Great Britain are already giving Botox injections to patients who are looking a bit long in the tooth.  Some patients say they were wary at first, but they finally realized dentists are very skilled with their hands and at using syringes, and they know all the facial muscles.  Plus they're used to paralyzing your face with Novocaine, so Botox is but a tiny step away.

Still, some health campaigners are complaining that due to the shortage of dentists in the British National Health Service, private dentists should use their free time to fix poor people's teeth, not give Botox.  Hey, either way, you're beautifying England.

The part of the story that's hardest to believe: that a dentist in England has any free time.

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Angelina Jolie has been voted 2004's "sexiest woman alive" by Esquire magazine editors and readers, and probably, her brother.  Jolie admitted her image was wild, bad, weird or crazy, saying, "The tattoos, the blood, cutting myself -- it's all very much who I am.  If you knew me privately, you might think I was even wilder than my reputation.  But I'm also much softer" (weak from blood loss, perhaps?).  "I'm a soft woman.  Softer than people think."

Except her puffy lips, which I'd wager are harder than people think.

Jolie was followed closely by Halle Berry and Britney Spears.   If guys actually think that Britney is the third sexiest woman alive, then the award should go to her makeup and lighting crew.

That reminds me: did you see "America's Next Top Model" last week?  They had the girls pose with no makeup, to see how much retouching they'd need.  Then they showed the photos before and after PhotoShop.  It was amazing how much work they did just to make girls who are naturally young and gorgeous look good.  I hope it hammered home to any young girls watching (and any men, too) that the photos they see of models in magazines are impossibly perfect.  NOBODY looks like that in real life -- not even the girls who actually posed for the photo!  So stop comparing yourself unfavorably to something that's no more real than a cartoon of Jessica Rabbit.

When Playboy featured a nude pictorial recently of hot computer-generated "virtual women" from video games, I wonder how many readers realized that the photos of that month's Playmate probably involved nearly as much computer artistry as the pictures of the women who don't even exist at all.
 
 
 

Oct. 15, 2004

Here's some exciting news: I just accidentally discovered that this site has been linked from the Plastic Surgery Portal's "Bad Plastic Surgery and Boobs" page!  I couldn't be more honored if it were a Tony Award!

Well, to be honest, it does put me in the company of a lot of sites where the main object is to ridicule celebrities for their looks after they've gone overboard with plastic surgery.  That's sort of what I do sometimes, but I try not to do it out of meanspiritedness.  My point is not to attack celebrities' looks vindictively, but just to use them as a cautionary example for others that it is not necessary to go to such extremes to be beautiful and accepted.  I want you to help me change societal attitudes, not your epidermis.  Going overboard on plastic surgery is like cutting off your nose to spite your face, as Michael Jackson could tell you.

However...if you are in a cranky PMS mood and just want to take it out on some surgically-remodeled celebrities, you should definitely check out that link.  It will take you to a cornucopia of websites that do nothing but chronicle bad plastic surgery, and unlike my site, they have lots of appalling photos.  Around here, we are polite enough to leave the grisly details to the imagination, thank you very much.

By the way, if you are more interested in serious info about plastic surgery than in schadenfreude, bookmark the Plastic Surgery Portal home page.  It will take you to thousands of useful sites, news stories and just about anything else related to the subject.

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Speaking of plastic surgery, GQ magazine reports that in 2003, 14 percent of US plastic surgery recipients were men, and they predict that within five years, there will be equal numbers of men and women patients.  Reality shows like "Extreme Makeover" are making it more acceptable, and men are seeking such procedures as hair replacement, liposuction, tummy tucks, facelifts, Botox, pinning back ears and lengthening the penis by stretching it with weights ("Give me the full John Kerry," they say).

Even less surprising to me, GQ says men are doing all this because they associate looking young with professional success: they see all the handsome young guys on "The Apprentice" and think "things are easier to achieve with a full head of hair."  And, of course, a longer penis.  In fact, their penises carry more weight than their resumes do.

Oddly enough, though, on "The Apprentice," the guy with the worst hair is the boss.

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In a related story, the Shanghai Daily reports that a growing number of Chinese men are getting breast implants.  The implants are stiffer than women's and designed to make saggy pecs look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.  Men think it will impress women ("I love you a bushel in a pec..."), their clients and their bosses.  Apparently, they come in on Casual Friday with no shirts.

One top surgeon said they could get the same effect more safely with exercise, but many of the patients blame their unhappy lives on their weak chest muscles, so the implant surgery "serves as psychological therapy."  Yeah, if you blame your unhappy life on your chest muscles, I'm sure breast implants will cure all your mental problems.

By the way, let me get this straight: they're getting breast implants because they don't want to be girly men?...

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Finally, the New York Post reports that there's a hot new diet that lets you eat anything you want, even chocolate cake -- but you can have only 85 bites per day.  It's the first diet that counts bites instead of fat, carbs or calories.  Fans say they're losing weight because they retrain their bodies to control portions.  The only limits are that you must eat a balanced diet and you can't take really huge bites that fill both cheeks.  You know, like we all do now.

Warning: this diet may not work for models.  You have to be able to count up to 85.
 
 
 
 

Oct. 12, 2004

One of the more delightful trends of the past few years has been the discreet nude calendars for charity featuring women well north of 40 proudly showing their bodies while also wittily preserving their modesty behind various well-chosen props.  (The movie "Calendar Girls" told the fictionalized story of the British originators of this trend.)  By now, I thought this had lost its ability to shock anyone, no matter how conservative.  But I was wrong.

A group of women aged 51 to 84 from Carmel, California, posed for a modest semi-nude calendar to raise money to help the financially-strapped town fix up the firehouse.  They even got permission to pose there, using fire equipment for props (how did they use the fire pole?!)  But then, city officials rejected the $30,000 they raised.  The city attorney said it might open them up to lawsuits for sexual harassment or a hostile work environment.  He said, "This is the kind of thing that just can't be done in the workplace...It runs the risk of offending people."

And then, the financially-strapped town laid him off.

Seriously, I suspect this really means some Californians are offended at the idea of any woman over 40 being naked unless she's had tons of plastic surgery.  The ironic thing about this outburst of incongruous Left Coast liberal puritanism is that it comes from the same part of the country where just last week, a federal appeals court ruled that a guy in San Francisco had the right to do yoga naked in public, even right outside a restaurant window, and if anyone was offended, tough toenails.  But then, he wasn't a woman over 50.

Maybe these officials have the same attitude as Simon Cowell of "American Idol."  Last week, the judges were asked if they would consider getting plastic surgery.  Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson both said no, while Simon said he would make it mandatory for every woman over 40.  I could think of a few operations I'd like to make mandatory for him.

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Well, at least someone thinks women over 50 are sexy.  Susan Sarandon told "Access Hollywood" that Playboy has been begging her to pose nude for years ("Please show us Thelma and Louise!," they whine), and they are still trying now that she's 58.  Pretty remarkable, considering she's about four times older than Hugh Hefner's ideal Playmate.  Hef must think 58 is her bust size.  But sorry, fellas, Sarandon said her sons are just getting to the age where they look at Playboy, so they'd kill her if she did it.  Guess they're at that delicate age when seeing their 58-year-old mom in Playboy could turn them off of women permanently.

By the way, this is another of those stories I hate, where the subject is not how beautiful or sexy Susan Sarandon is, but amazement at how she remains so appealing at
THE AGE OF FIFTY-EIGHT!!!

She should've taken my advice and just never told them her age in the first place.

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British Prime Minister Tony Blair gave an impassioned speech about how employers should not write off people who are 65.  Of course, he said this because the British pension system is going bankrupt and he needs to keep people working until they fall into the grave, but it's still a good sentiment and quite inspiring, in a totally inadvertent sort of way...

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When I first performed "My Ship," I used to do a bit about Chinese leg-lengthening, which I dropped because it was too graphic for some audiences.  But that doesn't mean we can't mention a similar subject here, where all kinds of quack plastic surgical procedures are fair game for mockery.

The Sing Tao Daily reports that a 5-foot-9-inch Hong Kong man who desperately wants to be a pro basketball player is suing two beauty salons for failing to make him taller.  The 23-year-old Yao Ming fan said he spent his life savings of $2600 at two salons that used hormones, drugs and special machines to increase his height (is he sure Yao Ming did it this way?), but all they did was make him vomit and collapse.

He should've known that the only way a beauty salon can make you taller is to give you hair like Marge Simpson's.  There's a reason why the only pro basketball player you ever see hanging out at beauty parlors is Dennis Rodman.
 

To finish off on a really queasy note, here's another cautionary tale about an unlicensed surgeon that illustrates the point I keep hammering home about never getting plastic surgery until you've thoroughly researched both the procedure and the surgeon.  Warning, this is not for the squeamish.  Sample medical term: "kitchen spatula."
 
 
 

Oct. 8, 2004

We went to the State Fair today.  Fun, but exhausting, and it didn't leave much time for blogging, and with hosting a wine-tasting tomorrow, I may not be back for a day or two.  But to tide you over, here's a cautionary tale for people who think America should have socialized medicine...

Gabriela Longo of Buenos Aires sued the Argentine national health service over her free nose job.  She hated it and claimed it cost her a modeling contract (although it could land her the lead in "The Nanette Fabray Story").  However, the judges ruled that she had no right to complain about free plastic surgery she took at taxpayer expense because everyone knows the doctors who provide government health care aren't as qualified as highly-paid specialists.

Oh come on, I'm sure the government doctor who did her nose job was a specialist!  Podiatrists are specialists, right?  Well, if that's their attitude toward nose jobs, she might want to skip the government-provided Lasic eye surgery.

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This week's People magazine cover story is about an alleged backlash against plastic surgery by big Hollywood stars (you know, all the stars with hairy moles, flat chests, love handles and big noses).  I'll try to write something more about that when I have a bit more time.  In the meantime, you can read it online at People.com, but only if you are a People subscriber or AOL customer.  If not, you might want to pick it up in the checkout line or something...

Finally, speaking of Hollywood and plastic surgery, here's a cute joke from Jay Leno:

A deer wandered into a house today in Beverly Hills and had to be removed.  Know how you could tell the deer didn't live in Beverly Hills?  Its rack was real.
 
 
 

Oct. 7, 2004

Sorry to go so long between blogs, but it's been very busy here.   On top of a lot of work, we're hosting a private gourmet wine class/party Saturday to thank supporters of "My Ship Has Sailed" during its first year.  We also put aside five seats for subscribers to my free newsletter.  See, if you subscribed to that, that's just one of the freebies you could've scored.

Well, I have tons of news to pass along, so let's dive in...
 

I mentioned the book A Little Work: Behind the Doors of a Park Avenue Plastic Surgeon back on August 7 (see below.)  Now it's finally out and the New York Post went gaga over it, allocating three separate dishy articles.   The author, prominent Manhattan surgeon Z. Paul Lorenc, thinks that "Extreme Makeover" and other such shows have fostered a dangerously casual attitude toward getting extensive plastic surgery, and he's written this book to expose the reality, pain and potential pitfalls.  I won't bother recapping it because you really should read it all for yourself.

To help you recuperate from that article, check out the sidebars.  This one is a list of his comments on celebrities who are victims of bad plastic surgery,  and this is his "15 Plastic Surgery Commandments," a.k.a. his "never list" of things you should never do (or have done).  Don't even consider plastic surgery until you've read this!  If you don't read it and you end up with leaky buttock implants and lips like bricks, don't blame me.

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Speaking of bad celebrity plastic surgery, even the stars are using vicious gossip about it as a weapon to hurt their fellow actresses who are their rivals for film roles (nice solidarity there, sisters!  Right on!)  Actress Sienna Guillory of "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" (sorry, missed that one) is quoted by the New York Post's Page Six as saying, "Everyone is so bitchy, and they don't want younger actresses coming in and taking their roles.  You only have to look at what it's done to Kate Beckinsale.  She used be cool.  Now I've heard she's got a clause in her contract saying that she can't be filmed bending over at more than a 45-degree angle because her boob implants slide up onto her collar bone."

Of course, Beckinsale's agent denies that she has such a contract or that she even has breast implants.  Although judging from the accompanying photo, she appears to have breast implants stuffed with old Hollywood contracts, ones with lots and lots of riders, and they're creeping up to her collar bone even when she's standing up straight.

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From the "Never Let 'Em See You Sweat" Department, UK division, comes this sad and frustrating story:  A researcher from Bath University surveyed 687 young people and found that 79 percent of teenage girls say they want to lose weight, but fewer than half do any exercise.  Why?  Ironically, while they want to lose weight to look more attractive, they don't exercise because they're afraid they'll look unattractive while doing it!  You know, girls, pilates lessons now come on home video.

Forty-nine percent of girls said they didn't exercise because they don't feel comfortable exercising in front of other people, and 34 percent said they don't exercise because they don't look good in exercise clothes.  And at this rate, theynever will.

If only they were this self-conscious and insecure about people seeing them eating, this problem would solve itself.   I wish I could get them to stop and think about how stupid this attitude is, but thinking causes brow wrinkles, so they probably wouldn't do it.

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Finally, those of you who've seen my show know that I joke about Cher (but in a gentle way; I'm a big fan) and all the plastic surgery that has left her looking laminated, and now Cher is encroaching on my territory by encouraging women to defy age stereotypes and try new things.  According to this story, Cher plans to celebrate her 60th birthday next year by posing for a nude photo shoot.  They quote an insider as saying, "She looks amazing and wants to capture her physical beauty" (hey, it did take the hard work of many, many skilled artisans.)   In fact, she's so proud of her body, she's already started inviting people to come watch her nude shoot on a beach in Hawaii, which could really boost Hawaiian tourism.

I can see why she'd want to wait until she's 60, since by then, all her original parts will have been rotated out and there'll be nothing on her that's older than 20.  It is terrific that at 60, she has such a great body that she's willing to pose nude.  But then, the real problem at the photo shoot won't be her body.  It'll be her inability to form more than one facial expression.
 
 
 

Oct. 3, 2004

Getting ready for the show TODAY, so there's not much time to blog, but I had two things I just had to post here:

1.  We still have seats available for the show, so if you couldn't get through on the phone, just show up at Django in Addison around 6 p.m. and pay at the door.  Don't worry about a reservation.

2.  Saturday at his estate on Long Island, Billy Joel married his hottie girlfriend Kate Lee, who at 22 is just four years older than Billy's daughter by his second wife, Christie Brinkley, who I'm sure was quite a bit younger than Billy's first wife.

The most touching part about Saturday's wedding ceremony?  He loves her just the way she is.
 
 
 

Oct 1, 2004

Just a couple of days to go until Sunday's show at Django, which may be the last there for this year, so I hope you'll come out and see us, and pass along the word to your friends.  This musical/comedy anti-aging crusade lives and dies by word of mouth!

And now, a little blogging...

We have friends out in San Diego who run a really interesting news service called the Wireless Flash.  They have a way of digging up all sorts of unusual stories, and in the past two days, they've run two things that fall under our topics of age, fashion and beauty.

First up, they report on a new survey by Dove soap which found that women have a self-esteem problem when it comes to their looks.  Only two percent of women worldwide would describe themselves as "sexy," just seven percent would say they're "good-looking," and a scant nine percent would say they're "attractive."  26 percent said they are "average" (seems like at least 50 percent could manage being average.)  Saddest of all, only two percent of women overall consider themselves "beautiful" (this poll must've been taken right after the Miss Universe pageant).  That includes zero percent of Japanese women, three percent of American women and  six percent of Brazilian women, which makes no sense at all because about 90 percent of Brazilian women have had extensive plastic surgery already.

The good news is that despite the lack of beauty of 98 percent of the women in the world, men are willing to sleep with them anyway.  Aren't we lucky that they overlook our flaws?  (sarcasm /off.)

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Speaking of men's looks, the Wireless Flash also reports on a new survey by Sears and Structure clothes, which found (surprise!) that men are not obsessing over their looks nearly as much as women are.  Turns out most men spend less than two minutes figuring out what they're going to wear.  And only 16 percent spend that  much time: 25 percent say it takes them only one minute, while 12 percent say they spend "no time" thinking about their wardrobe.  They need to be on "Queer Eye for the Hopeless Mess."

The survey also found that the average man spends just $713 on clothes annually, but one in five spends less than $200.  However, 87 percent of men insist that they don't need a makeover.  While 100 percent of women insist that they do.

Personally, I think this is all part of a male master plan: dress so your wife is ashamed to be seen in public with you and she'll never bug you to take her out.

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If you're one of those people who salivates over the designer purses on "Sex & The City" but can't afford the outrageous prices, New York Post fashion columnist MacKenzie Dawson Parks reports that you can now rent them like DVDs from a website called "Bag, Borrow or Steal."  You can join at three levels: Trendsetter ($19.95 a month) for lower-priced purses; Princess ($49.95) for mid-priced bags; or Diva ($99.95), which lets you awe passersby with your ever-changing, ultra-expensive purses, like a $1200 Prada bag.  Just think, you might be carrying a purse that was carried by Bianca Jagger...or Jade Jagger...or Mick Jagger!

There's just one drawback: if you lose it, rip it or spill red wine on it, you have to pay to replace it.  So if a purse snatcher gets you, you'll be ripped off twice.

Unfortunately, the only place I've found that rents shoes is the bowling alley.

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Finally, I'll end with one of those inspirational stories about people of advanced age doing unlikely things.  In this case, it's Walter Breuning of Great Falls, Montana, who marked his 108th birthday by taking up cigars again.  He gave them up at 99 because he couldn't afford them anymore, but when pals sent him some boxes for his birthday, he decided that at his age, they couldn't do him any harm.

But I hope he realizes that if he starts smoking now, he'll never make it to 130.
 
 
 
 

Sept. 28, 2004

Just had to share this "Pearls Before Swine" comic strip with you, since it fits our subject matter so well (click on the name to see it).

I love "Pearls Before Swine," but it's always a little frustrating to read because it's so much like the strip I would like to be doing if I'd been able to get the strip I did years ago syndicated.  I used to do a cartoon for the North Texas Skeptics newsletter, Companion Parrot Quarterly, and other publications.  It was called "Up A Tree," and it featured parrot characters based on our actual pet birds, such as Sydney the Cockatoo, Raymond Bird the hipster Jardines, and Danny Quayle, the wide-eyed innocent pocket parrot.  It came within a hair of getting syndicated by King Features in the '90s, but the top guy there finally decided that people didn't want strips featuring simple line drawings of cute animals saying cynical and sophisticated things.  No, they wanted "family" strips, so he took one of those instead.  It ran in the Dallas Morning News for about two months before it disappeared off the face of the Earth, and every successful strip since then -- Dilbert, Get Fuzzy, Pearls Before Swine, etc. -- has featured simple line drawings of cute animals saying cynical and sophisticated things.  So anytime some expert tells you that what you're doing is no good and nobody wants it, remember that and ignore him.

By the way, if this blog isn't wasting enough of your time, you can go here and see some of my old "Up A Tree" strips from the North Texas Skeptics.  Warning: these are about NTS-centric topics such as crop circles, Robert Tilton, etc., and may be a bit dated.   But they should help you avoid working for awhile, and isn't that why you're here?
 
 
 

Sept. 27, 2004

Pat and I went to the Irving YWCA silent auction and fundraising dinner Saturday, where we contributed free passes to our show and other stuff to the cause.  We met some really nice people, and we hope to see some of you at Django next Sunday, Oct. 3.  (This means you, Cathy!  I know you're reading this when you should be working!)

Next Sunday's show at Django is likely to be our last until January of 2005, due to the heavy holiday schedule and some out of town commitments, so please make plans to come out and see us before the holidays hit and wipe us all out and make us feel even older!

Did anyone catch the made-for-TV movie on CBS last night?  With the title "Revenge of the Middle-aged Woman," I had to watch it.  It was a fun chick flick aimed squarely at a particular demographic (if you couldn't tell from the movie, you could tell from all the commercials that began with "Are you suffering from hot flashes?...")   It starred one of my favorite actresses, Christine Lahti, who, by the way, has obviously had no plastic surgery or Botox but who is naturally radiant and sexy, wrinkles and all.

The movie was about a newspaper book section editor just north of 50 whose husband leaves her for her own young hottie assistant and who is then replaced in her job by the very same assistant (since her husband is on the paper's board, seems like she'd have the Moby Dick of lawsuits, but that never occurred to the characters.)  This being a wish-fulfillment fantasy, it all works out fine for Christine in the end: after many tears and some welcome humor, her boss begs her to come back and she tells him to shove it because she's already found a better job (she must've lied about her age on her resume) and her husband comes crawling back, but she turns him away and ends up with her old lover, hunky Bryan Brown, a famous writer with a gorgeous olive farm in Umbria.  See, I told you it was a wish-fulfillment fantasy.

This was a well-acted and enjoyable way to kill a couple of hours, but it did make me wonder why movies about middle-aged women rebuilding their lives always have to stick to certain cliches, like the dashing author with a gorgeous home in Umbria or villa in Tuscany or whatever?  That's why one of my favorite romantic comedies is "Crossing Delancey."   In that one, the handsome, famous author is a selfish jerk, and the genuine prize turns out to be the humble pickle man who lives down the street.   Not so sweepingly "romantic," but a lot more realistic, I'd say.

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And now, some health, beauty and plastic surgery news...

If you're thinking of getting breast implants, maybe you should just get a cell phone instead.  Japanese mental health counselor Hideto Tomabechi has created a cell phone ring tone that he claims makes breasts grow (this reverses the normal order of a girl getting bigger breasts first, then getting a ring).   Tomabechi says it's based on two decades of research into subliminal effects of sounds on certain parts of the brain, and its sound waves send a "positive brainwashing" signal that makes the brain increase breast tissue.  One young model said she thought it was a scam until her bust grew two centimeters in a week.  Better yet, I'll bet that once her breasts were bigger, she started getting more calls, and they grew even faster!

Even with no advertising, it was downloaded 10,000 times in one week.  Tomabechi is planning more ring tones that will allegedly help improve memory, boost sexual attraction, grow hair and quit smoking.  But I'm sure his main focus will remain on women's breasts.

This sounds pretty dubious, but if it's true, it could solve a lot of problems.  Just think, if a girl's phone ringing made her breasts grow, guys would finally start calling every time they say they will.

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Haynes, a British auto repair manual publisher, is issuing a "Practical Guide to Women's Health For Men."  It uses drawings, troubleshooting charts and other auto manual devices to help men understand women's bodies (I'd love to see the chart on proper lubrication).

A Haynes spokesman said a survey found that men were really clueless about women's bodies.  Half of men thought women had a prostate, but just had fewer problems with it than men; and a majority thought chlamydia was a type of edible shellfish  (Men say they have chlamydia year 'round, except in months without an "R.")

He said the car manual layout is effective because "men's brains work differently than women's.  They want to ask a question and get an answer."

Gee, I can't wait to read the section on "Women's Brains."  Sounds like this book, like all their others, is written by male auto mechanics.

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Those of you looking for fun ways to lose weight will be interested in the work of Italian dietician Bruno Fabri.  Pravda reports that he has created a detailed table to help people who want to lose weight through sex.  To burn all the calories from a pizza, you have to make passionate love for 25 minutes (that's either really passionate love or a very small pizza).  French kissing for 53 minutes burns off a hamburger and a bag of fries (but not onion rings because nobody will French kiss you.)  15 minutes of oral sex burns off a glass of wine (although it may take more than one glass of wine to get someone to do that.)   And a man can burn up 8 calories by removing his partner's bra with both hands, 18 calories if he does it with one hand, and a full 87 calories if he removes it with his mouth.

Plus, if he swallows it, it's low-cal and high-fiber.  And quite filling, if it's padded.
 
 
 
 

Sept. 23, 2004

Thanks so much to everyone who came out to see the TV show at Django and gave us so much positive feedback.  DCTV producer/director Dave Clements and his crew did an amazing job on this show, and I hope you'll be able to catch it when it starts airing within a week or so.

Our next live show at Django is Oct. 3, which may be the last public show at Django until the New Year, due to heavy holiday commitments, so please come see us while you can!

I'm still recuperating from the premiere party and other things that have kept me awake for days on end, so I'll just give you a few news stories and beg off...

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The Sept. 24 issue of Entertainment Weekly has a feature article and interview about a new album by Nancy Sinatra, featuring songs by Bono, Morissey, and other younger artists who are admirers.  It contains this great exchange:

EW:  After 30 years out of the limelight, you've had a tough time getting a record deal.  What do you think was the problem?

NS:  My age!  I got clobbered by a newspaper recently for my performance at Little Steven's International Garage Festival (in NYC).  The critic said nasty things about my being too old. Ten years ago, I would have cried, but not anymore.  This time, I wrote an e-mail to (the critic) that said, "If you want to talk about this, please get in touch with me.  If you don't want to talk about it, go f--- yourself."

"I wasn't proud of what I wrote, but it's like, give me a break.  Do I make good music or don't I?  If I don't, then tell me and I'll get off the stage. But don't criticize me because I'm getting older, because dammit, you're getting older, too."
 

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Proving she's either the bravest woman in show business or the craziest, Cybill Shepherd appeared on a morning TV wake-up show in London wearing a red velvet hooded cape to hide what she called her "jetlag hair."  She offered to take it off for a laugh, but warned it was "a little scary."  She wasn't joking (warning: that link includes a photo).  She then brushed out her topknot, and she looked like a hay stack that had been struck by lightning.  She was also wearing glasses, a pink tracksuit top and absolutely no makeup.

She was probably there to give tips on "Beauty over 50."

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I've never really noticed Cameron Diaz's nose, but apparently, there's something about it that has helped her land movie roles.  Diaz said when she first came to Hollywood, her friends told her she'd never succeed if she didn't get a nose job.  She said refusing to have her bad nose corrected gave her a different look than "all the other surgery-type girls."

I salute her for resisting the pressure to go under the knife, but I have a feeling that what made her a success wasn't her bad nose, but all the parts of her that didn't  need plastic surgery.

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Finally, my favorite story of the week, and one that is good news both for women and transvestites:

Attorney Bill Thomas of Durham, North Carolina, has created a new defense for DUI: the high heel excuse.  Thomas argued that a field sobriety test was unfair because it required his client to walk a long straight line, pivot quickly and stand on one foot for 30 seconds, all of which were impossible because she was wearing stilettos with 3-1/2-inch heels which make women wobble and wiggle.  (I suspect the cop only made her do this because he enjoyed watching it so much).  Thomas argued that under the circumstances, she did remarkably well by balancing on one foot for 16 seconds.  The judge agreed, invalidated the test and tossed out the case (then asked the defendant out for a drink).

I guess the judge realized that only runway models can pivot quickly on 3-1/2-inch heels, and they can do it even if they are drunk.
 
 
 

Sept 17, 2004

Too busy to blog for the second straight week, so there's a lot of stuff to catch up on.

After mentioning Elycia Rubin's upcoming book "Frumpy To Foxy In 15 Minutes Flat," I got a call from - guess who? - Elycia Rubin herself!  Wow!  Turns out, not only is she a beauty expert and celeb-watcher extraordinaire, but she also works for FOX-TV in Los Angeles.  We had a nice talk.

Elycia wanted to elaborate on her observation that people get more beautiful as they get more famous.  No, it's not just eternal good fortune shining down on them; it's the amazing array of expensive products, fashions, treatments, personal services and, yes, surgeries available to rich celebrities.  I agree completely.

After all, who wouldn't look beautiful with the $6,000 hair extensions, $600 haircut, and $2,500 haircolor that many stars routinely get?  Then there's Botox, Restylane, dermabrasion, the finest skincare products and vitamins available anywhere, and a weekly appointment with the dermatologist, plus the smoothest spray-on tan that money can buy.  She can spend weeks at a  time at the world's most exclusive salons and spas.  A celebrity can easily drop $30,000 or so on amazingly perfect, blindingly white teeth, and her personal stylist will create a look for her and comb the boutiques to find ultra-chic clothes, jewelry and accessories.  Her personal chef prepares delicious meals designed to keep her energized but rail-thin.  Her personal trainer helps her create a body with a perfect muscle-to-fat ratio.  Her makeup artist knows exactly how to make her face look startlingly beautiful.  (The late, great makeup artist Kevin Aucoin, who could make anybody look like anyone from Marilyn Monroe to Audrey Hepburn, used to do Julia Roberts' makeup for her TV appearances.  His standard rate: $4500.  David Letterman would go on about how beautiful she looked, which was true, but for all he knew, it might not even have been Julia Roberts.  It might have been Jon Lovitz with a really great makeup job.)    Finally, the most wonderful designers in the world line up to dress her for the red carpet.

This is all before any plastic surgery has been done.  You'd have to start out looking like Quasimodo not to look gorgeous after all this effort and expense.  Of course, if you still don't look perfect, there are breast implants, liposuction and perhaps endless facial tinkering that can be pursued.

Just look at Nicole Kidman, for example.  If you go back to her early film appearances, she appears to be a natural, healthy young woman.  Over the years, she's changed from coltish up-and-comer to skittish, thoroughbred racehorse.  She's gone from casually-curly redhead to icy Hitchcock-blonde.  She's taken off every last quarter-ounce of body fat.  She wears the most beautiful gowns and jewels in the world (well, she and Halle Berry).  She is perfectly "done" for every public appearance.  Imagine the team of stylists and assorted magicians required for this (nice to see the illusion designers who used to work for Siegfried and Roy can still find employment).

I'm a fan of Nicole Kidman and think she's a wonderful actress, but one of my biggest pet peeves is to be told by the Entertainment Media Monolith that women like this areTHE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD.  Give me a break.  Who wouldn't be???  How is this supposed to make me feel?  When I'm not performing, I spend most of my time writing, working around the house and taking care of 13 parrots.  I love to look glamorous, but with my life, it's a big deal if my nails are polished.

Of course, that will change when I become rich and famous and have my very own personal manicurist.

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I just caught the last 30 minutes of "Dr. Phil" and wish I'd seen the whole thing, because this show was all about the psychological repercussions of extreme physical changes - dramatic weight loss, extensive plastic surgery, etc.  When I tuned in, a woman who had lost 150 pounds and revved-up her body with new breasts and a liposuctioned tummy was expressing dismay at her husband's attitude.  Instead of praising her for losing all that weight, he had become jealous and possessive of her.  He was sure his wife was now going to leave him.

I have to wonder if this very insecure man had deliberately chosen a frumpy woman because other men wouldn't be attracted to her and she'd have to stay with him by default.  Yeah, that sounds like a good basis for a marriage!

Anyway, Dr. Phil rightly pointed out that the man's attitude was actually insulting to his wife, because it implied that she was shallow.  She obviously was very much in love with her husband and had no intention of leaving.  It appeared that by the end of the segment, the man had gotten the message.  Jeez, I hope so.

Dr. Phil also spoke with the winner of "The Swan" beauty pageant.  She said she'd gained a lot of confidence since her transformation but was afraid of reverting to her old, awkward self.

Dr. Phil did something very interesting:  he put up a picture of her "before" self, side-by-side with a glammed-up photo.  He pointed out that this second shot was not her "after" photo, but a computer-generated one showing her original self with weight loss, new hairstyle and color, and flattering makeup. NO SURGERY.   This was a great way to make the point that the new, pretty "her" was still essentially her - that so much of the way we look is within our control.  All her life, she thought of herself as plain - and her family and "friends" had reinforced that - but she really had been an attractive girl all along.  I wish Dr. Phil had had more time to talk with this woman before the commercial break, to make sure she got the point.

But I definitely got it.

By the way, on his website, Dr. Phil has a list of questions to ask oneself before having plastic surgery.  If you're considering going under the knife, you might want to check them out.  You'll find them here.
 

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Speaking of websites, you should definitely visit Amy Rigby's.

Amy has written dozens of wonderful songs; in fact, I sing one of them, "Invisible," in MY SHIP HAS SAILED. Most of the songs in MY SHIP are song parodies which I wrote, but "Invisible" is absolutely perfect for the show just as it is.  Now, on her website, I see she mentions that I'm doing her song in my show.  Thanks, Amy!

If Amy Rigby ever comes within driving distance of your town, do yourself a favor and go see her perform.  Take a carload of friends.  "Invisible" is just one of her catchy, hilarious and/or heartbreaking songs about being a grown-up woman, particularly in a very young business (like music).  She also writes a really entertaining diary at her website.  You'll love her!

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And now, here's the age, beauty and fashion news from around the world, hot off the fax machine from the Abilene Kinko's...

A survey of 1,000 Britons found that 52 percent don't want to live to 120 even if genetic science makes it possible.  They'd rather have a full, active life and die at 80.  Of those who would live to 120, 40 percent said the best part would be celebrating their 100th wedding anniversary, while 20 percent said it would be outliving their enemies (of course, the best way to outlive your enemies is to kill them...but I digress).  Eleven percent said they'd use the extra time to have more sex (probably with Anna Nicole Smith).

Asked the worst thing about living to 120, the top answers were watching all those annual Eurovision song contests, the fear they wouldn't be able to blow out their birthday candles, and seeing platform shoes make a comeback.  If they try to wear platform shoes at 120, they'll never live to see 121.

I'm amazed nobody said the worst thing about living to 120 instead of 80 would be eating British food for an extra 40 years.

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Once again proving that there are no heterosexual male fashion designers, the top fashion critic at Fashion Wire Daily declared, "The slut is out now.  She's dead."  No, this isn't a link to Christina Aguilera's obituary.  Fashion experts say there was too much "slutwear," which doesn't play in the boardroom (unless you're a contestant on "The Apprentice").  So the next big trend is the end of the bare Britney/Christina look in favor of classic, ladylike designs, such as 1950s style sweater and skirt sets or floral gingham dresses -- and nothing screams "boardroom" like a floral gingham dress.  One trend forecaster called the new look "prim and improper," saying it's "the new modesty...It's what's under the clothes, something seething underneath.  We won't be showing it so much on the surface."

So you still have to be a slut.  You'll just be dressed like someone from Stepford, or the 1950s, only without underwear.

While I applaud the end of the slut look, I have a feeling it will be short-lived.  If so, at least I won't have to stop doing my song, "The Simple Joys of Maidenhood." That gets some of my biggest laughs.  Plus, how often do you get to hear a Julie Andrews song about wearing a miniskirt that shows the veins on your upper thighs?    What a loss it would be to culture if I had to drop that just because of transitory fashions...

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Speaking of slutty clothing, thanks to a deal with Speedo, the Miss America Pageant will replace the modest swimsuits of the past with tight one-piece or bikini suits that leave little to the imagination.  Spokesman Art McMaster said this would make the TV coverage (or uncoverage) "more exciting," but he rejected suggestions that this compromises the pageant's educational goals or is just to titillate the audience.  Heaven forbid you should think such a thing!  No: he said the swimsuits are to demonstrate the contestants' physical fitness.

You know, like the suits Olympic beach volleyball players wear.  The suits will show off their rock-hard abs, their rock-hard thighs, and their rock-hard implants.  And it will be very educational, particularly if you're seeking a lesson in female anatomy.

Let's just hope next year's sponsorship deal isn't with Saran Wrap.

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Finally, from the "Life's Tiny Triumphs" Dept:  After launching Gap Kids and Baby Gap, The Gap is now targeting a new clothing demographic: women over 35.  Maybe they could call it "Generation Gap."

Next year, the Gap will open 10 new stores aimed at 35-plus women, whom they say are interested in fashion and have the money and lifestyle needs to buy it, but very few stores are carrying comfortable, stylish, attractive clothes for them.  They'd like to be able to find a cocktail dress that doesn't require them to get their bellybutton pierced.

Now if they can just make it fashionable to be  35-plus, we'd finally be getting somewhere...
 
 
 
 

Sept. 10, 2004

Too busy to blog the past week, and a ton of news piled up.  So I'll just remind you to join us for the TV Premiere Happy Hour at Django in Addison at 5:30 Tues, Sept. 21, and the next show there on Oct. 3, and get right to the news, none of which, I promise, is based on forged National Guard documents from the 1970s...

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In the most disturbing yet least surprising news of the week, a new survey by the marketing firm Mintel for the British teen magazine Bliss found that most UK girls age 7 to 10 have used makeup, and by 14, 90% are using mascara, eyeliner or lipstick.  That's the unsurprising part, now here's the disturbing part:

Many people complain about the sexualizing of young kids, but Mintel declared this a neglected marketing opportunity because very young girls want to try cosmetics and have yet to choose their brands.  Mintel suggested reaching them by putting cosmetics vending machines in schools.  Teachers unions were appalled, with a spokesman for one saying the purpose of school is education, not giving female students an opportunity to increase their sex appeal. (You'd never know that from watching the WB.)

But of course, seven-year-old girls need to have Mary Kay parties because they can't have Botox parties until they're 18.

Here's another neglected marketing opportunity: Many seven-year-olds have yet to pick their favorite brand of cigarettes...

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It turns out that liposuction does not suck after all:  a study by the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center here in Dallas found that liposuction is completely safe, provided it's carried out under favorable conditions.  That means as long as the patient is healthy and has no cardiovascular or blood pressure problems, and it's done in an accredited medical facility by a board-certified plastic surgeon (so be sure to hire a surgeon who sucks big-time).

Also, make sure the vacuum is made by either Hoover or Eureka.  And if the doctor takes you into his garage, puts you up on a car lift and tries to suck the fat out of your thighs with his mouth, leave immediately.

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Here's a story that proves just how powerful a thing feminine beauty can be:  Former Russian beauty queen Anastasia Nasinovskaya had a fight with her businessman lover, Igor Lantsov, and he demanded she return a car he gave her.  She was so angry, she stole money from him and hired a hit man to kill him.  The assassin chickened out and went to the police, who caught Anastasia in a sting operation.

But the charges were dropped when Lantsov hired one of the best lawyers in Russia to defend her and refused to testify against her.  Then he married her.

And now, of course, she realizes she was just being foolish...Imagine killing him before  she became his insurance beneficiary!

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As one of those tall, lanky girls who spent junior high hunching over, I don't know if I entirely believe this next story, but a study by New York State University at Buffalo found that being very short or very tall does not make children less popular with their peers.  Researchers discovered that height plays no role in the number of friendships kids have.

This continues into high school, when all the girls tell the short guys that they want to be their friends.

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In an inspiring story, Georgie Sinclair of Aberdeen, Scotland, who has gone hot air ballooning and flown in a micro-light aircraft after she turned 70, raised money for charity by skydiving from 10,000 feet at the age of 81.  She broke her ankle on landing and swore she'll never do it again.  She said, "I absolutely hated it.  Free-falling is a horrible feeling."  She added that the plane was "absolutely freezing," the experience was "terrible" and having her foot in a cast is "annoying."

Well, I'm inspired.  I guess this story teaches us that you can do anything at any age, but maybe there are some things you should avoid at any age.  As Marge Simpson once said, "I've learned that one person can make a difference, but most of the time, she probably shouldn't."

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Michelangelo's statue "David" is considered to be an icon of male beauty, but by today's standards, he's a couch potato. Alan Herdman, one of Britain's top Pilates experts, said David's pelvis is "all wrong;" it's thrust forward and pushing into one hip.  His right side isn't straight, and he'll have a weakness in one hip and suffer lower back pain.  Plus his right buttock isn't as strong as it should be (apparently, buttocks of marble can't compare to Buns of Steel). But Herdman said that with enough Pilates classes, David could improve his posture.  It would also help him limber up considerably.

Then, of course, he'll need to have his nose chiseled down a bit, and a little extra concrete added in the groin area.  To heck with that amateur Michelangelo, let's call in the team from "Extreme Makeover!"  They're real artists!

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It's hard to believe this is possible, but Playboy is becoming even more of a male fantasy.  The magazine made a deal with some video game companies, and the October issue will feature nude pictorials of some of the hottest female game characters, rendered as detailed computer illustrations (They're Hugh Hefner's dream girls: perfect bodies, no minds of their own, and they'll never age a day past 18).  They claim this marks the first time Playboy has featured nude models who exist only in silicon form.

Oh, come on, who are they kidding?!  Playboy hasn't shown a real, non-silicon-based woman since 1969!

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Speaking of manufactured female celebrities, let's finish off with Celebrity Corner, starting with Paris Hilton...

Paris' new book "Confessions of an Heiress" contains some health and beauty advice that really has the experts quivering with rage.  She suggests sleeping in your makeup instead of cleansing your face at night because it makes her skin look "dewy" (try that, and people will be calling you "Pimples Hilton.")   Also, she says drinking diet soda shows you "have no nerve," so she drinks only real sugary sodas and heavily-caffeinated energy drinks (she's not just dewy, she's Mountain Dewy!)

And here's some genius diet advice:  "Don't be afraid to eat fast food as often as you can.  Always order the largest portion of French fries.  Eat pasta as often as you can.  Eat as much chocolate as you can.  Eat popcorn at night.  In fact, eat all carbs at night.  In fact, only eat carbs at night."  (Her secret plan is to make all other women really fat so she'll look even skinnier standing next to them.)

As for fashion, she says to wear only clothes that show your navel.  Follow her diet advice, and soon, all your clothes will show your navel.

Now we know why she videotaped herself naked last year: because 10 years from now, it won't be a pretty sight.

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Braun shavers hired supermodel Heidi Klum to promote their new leg hair removal product, so as a publicity gimmick, they asked auction house Phillips De Pury & Co. to assess the value of Klum's legs.  Jewelry expert John Souglides said, "Having valued static objects for 15 years," this was "a refreshing change."  And I'm sure it was refreshing for Heidi to be treated as a static object rather than a sex object for a change.

Souglides assessed Klum's legs at $1,950,000 based on their length, shape, rarity and commercial value, adding, "I certainly admired the exquisite lines of this piece" (yes, there's nothing so satisfying for a man as examining a really exquisite piece.)

Still, a supermodel's legs aren't a good investment: they only decrease in value over time.

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And finally, a great Celebrity Quote on Aging, from one of my favorite actors, Johnny Depp.

Johnny appears in the upcoming movie "Finding Neverland," which is not a horror movie about Michael Jackson but a fanciful biopic about James M. Barrie, creator of Peter Pan.
Asked if he would want to remain a child forever, Depp first joked, "Nowadays, it's all a question of surgery, isn't it?" But then he turned serious and replied, "No, of course, the notion is beautiful -- the idea of staying a boy or a child forever.  But I think you can.  I've known plenty of people in their later years who were like little kids, had the energy of little children, the curiosity and fascination.  But I think it's great fun growing old.  I think it's great."

A beautiful sentiment.  But then, of course, growing old is fun for actors!  The older they get, the younger their leading ladies get!
 
 
 

September 6, 2004

Taking it easy for Labor Day.  Remember to donate to MDA!

Here are a couple of stories to get you through the long weekend...

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A study of three clinical trials of the Atkins Diet by the Centre of Advanced Food Research in Copenhagen (Mmmmm...Danish!) suggests that it helps you lose weight simply because it's so dull.  That's right: it literally bores you thin!  The studies found no evidence that eating more fat and protein and less sugar and starch makes you burn more energy and become thinner.  But it might suppress the appetite because the diet is so limited and monotonous, dieters simply lose interest in eating.

And eventually, in living.

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With Donald Trump now a big reality TV star, Fox has hired his ex-wife Ivana, the patron saint of First Wives everywhere, to host a two-hour matchmaking special in which a successful, single "older" woman --  "probably in her 40s" (and therefore, beyond hope of romance, at least to the Hollywood mind) -- will pick from a stable of younger studs.  The producer said, "For years, rich older men have traded in their wives for pretty young women with bigger 'attributes,'" but now, "mature women are finding that true love can happen with younger men."  Of course, any woman they choose for this show will be forced to go on "Extreme Makeover" first.

Ivana said it's the perfect gig for her because "I cannot be with an older man.  They're too set in their ways.  I prefer to be a babysitter than a nursemaid."  Isn't there a choice that doesn't involve changing diapers?

Oh well, I guess we'll all be watching for this, so remember its title (seriously): "Ivana Man."

On the second episode, they get married.  That'll be entitled "Ivana Pre-Nup."

And of course, the third and final episode will be named "Ivana Divorce."
 
 
 

September 2, 2004

Dear Friends:

Please forgive me for turning serious today, but this diary entry is dedicated to my mom, who died one year ago today.

One thing about being a late bloomer that isn't so great is that your parents might not be around to see you bloom.  My father, William Franklin Ainsworth, a fabulously talented Big Band saxophone/clarinet player and group singer, died much too young, when I was really just getting started with my professional life.  Outside of my little high school plays and musicals, he never saw me perform onstage.  He had no idea that I'd end up doing what I do now - accompanied by the son of one his best friends, no less.

My mother, Louanne Hall Ainsworth, enjoyed being in the business world before becoming mom to my sister Julie and me.  She became a full-time homemaker and devoted her entire life to her family.  Though she didn't always grasp my sense of humor or understand my performing "bug" (I'm sure she would've liked to see me become a lawyer or professor), she did see some of my work.  In fact, she came to the "preview" version of "My Ship Has Sailed" last August 28.  (This was sort of a "dress rehearsal" - the finished version premiered a week later.)

She enjoyed the show but left immediately afterwards; my sister told me she had said she wasn't feeling well.  I talked to Mom on the phone the next day; she mentioned that she was feeling tired, but we had a great conversation about my plans for the show and even for the future.  Then she said she had to go outside and mow the front yard.

The next day, I got a call from my sister saying that she'd had to take Mom to the hospital.  By the time my husband Pat and I got there, they had diagnosed the problem:  acute appendicitis.  It was very serious; her appendix hadn't burst, but it was ruptured.  She underwent emergency surgery, but the surgeon told us she came through it beautifully, was amazingly healthy for a woman her age, and should be able to go home in as little as three days.

She never went home.  Mom died September 2, 2003.

We don't know exactly why she didn't make it; there may be several contributing factors.  But my mother had been in such good health, as far as anyone knew, that her death absolutely stunned me.  One year later, I'm still looking back and wondering, "What happened?"

Well, as they say, the show must go on.  Just a few days after Mom died, "My Ship" opened at the Ruby Room.  In order to get through the performance, I had to rework a few of the things I say to avoid talking about Mom.  This show is very personal and even mentions things like Mom's facelift.  (I had asked her permission first, of course!)  It was so hard, but I must tell you that having to do the show during those first few weeks actually saved me!  I don't know what I would have done without it.  I will never forget the warmth and enthusiasm of the people who came to see it early on, or the friendship and emotional support I got from Brian, both backstage and during the show.

But for awhile, after every show, after everything had been loaded into the car for the trip home (and while Pat was still in the club taking care of details), I would just have to cry, because I'd want to tell my mother what a great night it had been and how wonderful I felt about what I was doing.  I'd imagine that she had come to the show, and that I'd been able to put my arms around her afterwards and thank her for being there.  But...then ...I'd get a grip, and it would be time to go home.

I have to say that Julie, my sister, really stepped in to offer that sense of "family" support.  It's been great to see her at so many performances, especially knowing how busy she is!

Still, today especially, I wish I could just pick up the phone and call my mother and have a long, LOOOOONG conversation with her.

Mom certainly defied her age.  She looked much younger than she was, and I think of her as being even stronger and healthier (at least for the most part) than I am now.  I'm in reasonably good shape, but compared to her, I'm a fragile hothouse flower.  She'd get up on the roof and clean out the gutters, and do all the other really heavy work around the house and yard.  All that work is probably what kept her so physically youthful.  So she is an inspiration to me - I know that I can do it, too.

I never thought of Mom as having much of a sense of humor (I definitely got mine from my dad), but she actually cracked a few jokes while she was lying in her hospital bed.  Under sedation, she was really funny!  (Of course, we had no idea how gravely sick she was until hours later.)  Is that what sedation does to people - make them funny? --or did I perhaps get aa "funny gene" from Mom as well as Dad?  I'll never know.

Of course, like so many moms, mine liked to nitpick; I swear that the last thing she said to me was, "Honey...your lipstick is so DARK!"

Well, I just felt the need to talk about this, on this day.  Thanks for humoring me.  If you still have your parents with you, cherish them with all your heart.  If they are gone, remember the things you learned from them - from both their wisdom and their mistakes -- and gain inspiration from their strengths, as you go on to live your dreams.
 
 
 

Aug. 31, 2004

Sorry to be away so long, but we are really swamped.  The big news is that the next Django show has now been scheduled: it's Sunday, Oct. 3.  We're still working on the TV special and a premiere party, and you'll be alerted as soon as we know anything.  I'll also have a very nice surprise for newsletter subscribers coming very soon, so if you don't subscribe yet, just send us your email address to have a chance at it (I swear, we never share it with anyone or send spam: it's for our newsletter only! )

We spent the weekend at the Women's Expo, promoting the show, meeting a lot of great people, and catching up with some early boosters of "My Ship Has Sailed," Mattie Roberts and Jan Strimple.   Thanks again to these great ladies for their generous support and advice!  I also asked Maria Menounos of "Entertainment Tonight" a question about age pressure in Hollywood (she's so young and beautiful, she hasn't experienced it yet, of course), and the producers seemed to like it, since they asked me to speak on camera for a few minutes afterward.  I have no idea what it was for, but maybe it will turn up on "E.T."  If anyone sees it, please let me know.

Anyway, mark your calendars and tell your friends about the Oct. 3 show, and get on the newsletter mailing list for info about the TV premiere party and a chance to win an upcoming thank-you gift (it's a secret for now, but trust me: it's fantastic! )  And now, let's catch up on the news...

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The Portman Group, a British responsible drinking organization, is launching a campaign to convince women that binge drinking can ruin their looks (this is a much better appeal to women than saying it will ruin your liver.  Heck, nobody can even see  your liver!)  Their posters in pubs and bars will warn that too much booze can cause a woman to suffer weight gain, dehydrated skin, bloodshot eyes and broken veins under the skin (men, too, but they don't care).  They say it also makes a woman smell of alcohol, get less beauty sleep, and have a greater risk of a disfiguring injury.  And that woman: Courtney Love!

Seriously, it is much better for both your health and your looks not to overdo the booze.  Here's a tip: have just one drink and give the rest to the man you're with.  Conversely, the more booze a man drinks, the better a woman looks.

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It's hard to believe our biggest problem in America is that our bottoms just aren't big enough, but London's Daily Telegraph reports that pumping up your butt is the hot new trend.  The director of the American Society for Plastic Surgery's Emerging Trends Taskforce said that thanks to J-Lo and Beyonce, the ideal female body image has changed from thin to round, resulting in a five-fold increase in buttock augmentations in the past year -- that's right: we're actually getting plastic surgery to look more natural.  The procedure uses the same implants put into breasts, filled with soft silicone or fat sucked from other parts of the body.  And if you don't have enough fat of your own, maybe J-Lo will let you suck some from her butt.

Butt implant surgery is so painful, you can't sit down for at least 10 days afterward (or to be on the safe side, ever ), but recipients interviewed for the story raved about it.  One formerly flat 40-year-old said, "It's cut years off my age.  I look like I have an 18-year-old's butt."

Well, actually, she does: on her, they did a transplant.

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From the "Everything Old Is New Again" Dept. comes a study by the British research firm D-Code, which found that young consumers are bored with sexually explicit advertising.  Marketers have bombarded them with so many envelope-pushing ads full of impossibly beautiful, PhotoShopped naked bodies, they are no longer shocked -- in fact, they barely even notice it anymore.  They've become better informed and more discerning, and react more to ads that are subtle, fun and innocent.  For instance, some trendsetters in their 20s and 30s are now collecting toys and going to cutting-edge venues on weekends to play board games.  (But not  Naked Twister!  That's for the old folks.)

Yes, for all the power people think advertising has to undermine young people's confidence in their looks, it turns out it also actually has the power to make sex boring.

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From the "God Must Be A Woman" file comes this:  A study by the Athens Medical School found that eating good quality dark chocolate improves the cells lining veins and arteries and may help prevent heart disease.  But they warn that if you eat too much of it and get fat, that cancels out the benefits.  So Ruben Studdard does not have the world's healthiest heart.

Of course, they could just be trying to make everyone else really fat so Greeks will win the next Olympics.  If they claim you get the same benefit from eating Count Chocula, we'll know for sure...

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Langenscheidt, one of Germany's top dictionary publishers, plans to launch a 128-page "woman talk" translation guide for men.  Each chapter will cover different situations, such as shopping or vacations, and explain to men what the woman really means (this truly should be 40 volumes.)  For instance, the book claims that when a woman asks a man to take interest in the shoes she's trying on, it means she wants him to look at them because he's about to pay for them.  And when she says, "Let's just cuddle," that means "No sex tonight, please!"   After he bought her those expensive shoes?!

Personally, I've found that shopping tactic only works when you're buying lingerie.  Still, it's a good idea.  Maybe I'll write a man-to-woman dictionary. It would be a lot easier.  Just remember: when a man says anything  to a woman, it means "Sex tonight, please!"

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Let's close out with a Celebrity Quote, this time from "Booty Call" star Vivica A. Fox, who is a true Hollywood rarity: an actress who's bragging about turning 40.  Most actresses who say they're glad to be turning 40 are really turning 50.

Fox told the New York Post, "Guurl, I'm excited about 40.  I ain't wet behind the ears no more!  I'm a woman and I'm cool with me, and if everybody don't like me, that's OK because I ain't goin' to like everybody anyway, and I'm cool with that, too."

However, Fox also shows no signs of age, she still wears the same sexy styles she's always worn, and she says she enjoys all those "little young fellas" who keep "checkin' her out."  So actually, she's cool with 40 as long as 40 looks 28.  In that way, she's not so rare after all.
 
 
 

Aug. 25, 2004

I just saw the first cut of the TV special.  The director did a really good job on it, although, of course, I want to do some tweaking, and I wish I could redo the interview segments to fix the lighting on my face.  No wonder Marlene Dietrich insisted that her own lighting expert work on all her movies.  I need to start doing that.  I wonder if he's still alive?...

We finally have Brian's schedule and should be scheduling another show at Django soon.  Also, we're working on some sort of premiere party for the TV special, and a way to put Comcast air times on this website, so you'll know when to look for it.  I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, here's some news to mull over...
 

From the "I'll Never Understand Men" Dept. comes this British story:  Greg Gutfeld, the new American editor of Maxim UK, has a novel idea for snaring readers in the cut-throat men's magazine market: offer them dates with Maxim's scantily-clad models.  He scoured the country to find beautiful women who wanted the opportunity to model so much that they would agree to date Maxim readers in return (and it wasn't easy finding women who were beautiful, stupid and nearsighted).  Gutfeld said, "It's a nice counter effect to what men's mags normally do, which is to show some incredibly beautiful woman who would never look at you."

I don't know why these guys automatically assume that if a woman is attractive, she'd never look at them.  Unless he's saying that his own readers are actively repulsive losers, which considering what Maxim's like, could be a distinct possibility.  So good news, guys: he found women so desperate to be models, they'll force themselves to look at you!

To make these guys feel more at ease, their dates will charge them $3.99 a minute.

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Speaking of women who'd never look at you, theSmokingGun.com posted Beyonce's five-year contract with L'Oreal.  It's depressing to learn that Beyonce's hair makes more money than all of us put together.  The contract reveals that she will be paid $4.7 million to work 10 days a year promoting L'Oreal, with an option of two extra days for $25,000 a day.

Ah, but it's not all teasing combs and catering tables.  She is not allowed to use any Revlon or Clairol products, she must maintain "approximately the same physical appearance and health" (that's right: she can't look one day older!), keep her hair in excellent condition (she'll be fined $25,000 for each bad hair day), and notify L'Oreal of "any radical change to her hair any concert tour may necessitate."   Apparently, they got burned 20 years ago when they signed an unknown singer with beautiful hair: Sinead O'Connor.

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Top plastic surgeon Prof. Werner Mang of the Bodensee Hospital in Lindau on the German-Swiss border reportedly told TV documentary maker Daphne Barak that he flew to California in 1998 to save Michael Jackson's nose.  Mang said Jackson's skin was stretched as thin as parchment and his nose was falling apart, and Mang thinks he had wanted "to change from a black man to a white woman" (maybe Michael asked him for breast implants, too).

Mang said he repaired the nose with some cartilage from Jackson's ear.  He said it's fine now, but he warned Michael it would be dangerous to have more facial surgery.  Or to sneeze.  And if he sticks a Q-Tip in his ear, his head will fall off.

By the way, if you see Michael wearing a nose ring, look closely.  It probably used to be an earring.

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A University of Ohio study found that people with asymmetrical ears, fingers or feet are more likely to react aggressively when annoyed or provoked (especially if you make fun of their ears, feet or fingers).  It's not that having, say, mismatched ears makes you a hothead, but researchers say the same stresses during pregnancy, such as smoking or drinking, that cause slight physical imperfections in the fetus may also cause poorer impulse control.  Anything can set these people off, especially the sight of a drunken pregnant woman smoking.  The good news from our perspective is that this means all your personality problems can now be cured with plastic surgery.

Incidentally, what does it say about your personality if you're using your ear for a nose?

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I love it when I have a quote from one of my favorite celebrities, Cher, who is always making news in the age/plastic surgery arena.  Well, actually, it's from Cher's spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg, but it's still pretty amusing.

Cher is always rumored to be seeing much younger men (she's famously said that she doesn't particularly want to, but no men her age ask her out).  This time, the tabloids have her sleeping with young Calvin Klein underwear model Gabriel Aubry, who says they've never even met.  Rosenberg told the New York Post (I assume sarcastically) that Cher has "been dating many male models, but she doesn't usually ask their names.  She also has a chicken coop backstage, and her manager gives out passes to the cutest guys, and Cher makes her selection from the coop."

And then she drinks his blood to stay young!

Only joking.  That chicken coop is just where the roadies sleep.  And I think we can safely assume that any male models you find hanging out backstage at a Cher concert are probably not a woman's best date material.

********************************************

Finally, to end on a serious note: the news just came in that Rodney Dangerfield was hospitalized Tuesday for heart valve replacement surgery.  Poor Rodney has survived a slew of life-threatening health problems in recent years, and now here's another one.  Coincidentally, I just finished reading his recent autobiography, It's Not Easy Bein' Me : A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs.  It's very interesting, extremely funny (his classic monologue gags are scattered throughout), and a little appalling to read about how women were treated as commodities in the comedy club world of the '40s to the '60s, and offered to the comics as a perk, like free drinks or a Cuban cigar.

But it's also inspirational to me because Rodney was the ultimate late-bloomer.  In a world where comedians are expected to succeed by 28 or get out of the business, Rodney plugged away, went nowhere, and got of the business at 28.  He went into siding and paint sales for 12 years, started a family, then got back into comedy at 40.  He said, "I was older and wiser, yeah, but I was funnier too."  At an age when most people would be considered "too old," Rodney started over from scratch, launched his own club that took him years to pay off, sometimes worked for shockingly little money even after he was famous (he got $35,000 and no residuals to make the giant hit, "Caddyshack!") and became one of the greatest comic icons of all time.   So please direct all your prayers and good wishes to Rodney for a full and speedy recovery.
 
 
 
 

Aug. 20, 2004

Still working on the TV show and a date for the next show at Django, but here's some news to tide you over until the next bulletin...

Wednesday in Hollywood, porn producer Mark Kulkis, who makes videos featuring allegedly all-natural, non-surgically-enhanced women, staged a rally against the U.S. military's offer of free breast implants to soldiers.  Porn star and ex-gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey displayed her huge breasts, which she claims are natural, in a tiny bikini top, and declared, "Women should be happy with their bodies and what they're blessed with."  She urged the army to spend money on "Bullets, Not Boobs."  (Mary doesn't need to buy bullets; she already has torpedoes.)  Kulkis offered to give any soldier who's honorably discharged with her real breasts intact $500 worth of lingerie (padded bras, I assume) and a spa day.   And possibly a porn movie contract.

By the way, is Mary Carey really the best spokeswoman for this cause?  Was Gwyneth Paltrow not available?  And I thought Hollywood's motto was "Boobs, Not Bullets."

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The London Daily Star reports that Madonna is using a medieval-style wooden torture rack.  No, she's not taking the advice of music critics.  She pays $110 an hour for private sessions on the "Gyrotonic Expansion System," nicknamed "The Rack," a device to stretch and strengthen dancers' muscles that was invented by Romanian ballet dancer Juli Horvath.  The paper says it's not only made Madonna's body more muscular, it's also made her breasts bigger.

Yes, that must be it.  Ballet dancers are famous for their enormous breasts.  And that's another reason why the device is called "The Rack."

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Here's my kind of gal: Helen Self of Missoula, Montana, celebrated her 95th birthday by donning a helmet and leather jacket and taking a ride on the back of a neighbor's Harley  (She wore a helmet because she'd hate to die young.)  Self called the ride "wonderful," but her stepdaughter said Self was worried when reporters showed up.  She didn't want them reporting that she was 95 because she'd told her boyfriend she was only 91.

He's 30, and the age difference might bother him.

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Finally, in a masterstroke of typecasting, Joan Rivers has been signed to appear as herself on the season finale of the plastic surgery series, "Nip/Tuck."

It's rumored that for this one very special episode, the show will be renamed "Nip/Tuck/
Stretch/Inject/Sandblast/Suck/Iron/Fold/Staple."
 
 
 

Aug. 18, 2004

Still recuperating from Sunday's show at Django, which went great.  Thanks to everyone who came out, especially Delia and Brigitte (who returned for the second time in a row - they won free tickets through my newsletter), and the great ladies of WOW.  I thought the sound was especially good that night.  From my vantage point onstage, it was the best I've ever heard.  I would occasionally hit a high note, hear it come out of the monitor, and think, "Whoa, is that me?!"   I've also got a few interesting new photos to post, including some from the set of the TV interview and a funny one of me with Jonathan Richman, which I'll share with you as soon as Pat finds enough time to scan and post them.

I'm told the TV show should be out of editing in two weeks or so and ready for airing.  We're considering having a premiere party at Django and projecting it on a screen.  I don't know yet if it will be invitation-only or open to the public.  I'd like it to be open to everyone, but we're still hashing it out.  I'll keep you posted, and if you subscribe to my newsletter, you'll be among the first to know.

I'm too tired and too busy cleaning up messes that piled up pre-show to write much today, but here are a few news stories we found for the Comedy Wire over the past couple of days that you might find diverting...
 

This is a fascinating article about the phenomenon of celebrities, Holly Hunter and Sheryl Crow for example, who actually seem to be looking younger the older they get.  I may comment at greater length on this baffling mystery when I have more time, but for now, I'll draw your attention to this classic quote from "celebrity and beauty expert" Elycia Rubin, author of the upcoming surefire bestseller, Frumpy to Foxy in 15 Minutes Flat:

"Some women just get more beautiful as they age — even if they haven't had anything done.  And people get more beautiful as they get more famous."

Now, I'm more determined than ever to make "My Ship Has Sailed" a hit, since I've learned that the more famous I get, the more beautiful I will magically become!

Younger, too!  Hot damn!

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The BBC reports on a growing trend in Brazil: dog plastic surgery.  Dr. Edgard Brito asks, "Why shouldn't a dog be beautiful?" (Say, isn't that the motto of all plastic surgeons?)

Dr. Brito says, "We all like talking to someone who looks good and smells nice.  It's the same with dogs," except they smell each other's rear ends.   He offers Botox wrinkle-reduction (turn your bloodhound into a wolfhound with just 500 easy injections!), eyebrow correction and full canine facelifts. Imagine giving a shar pei a facelift.  You'd have enough skin left over to make a second dog.  And your shar pei would always look as if his head were sticking out of a car window going 80 mph.

Many of Dr. Brito's clients are show dogs, who get such procedures as Restylane injections to stiffen a drooping ear.  Critics say it's unethical since show dogs are valuable as studs because people think they'll pass on their naturally superior features.  Instead, their offspring may resemble mutts, like the kids of those two people who got married after they both appeared on "Extreme Makeover."  But Dr. Brito insisted that he wouldn't hide a hereditary defect, explaining, "I would never attach an artificial testicle."  Unless it's a third one, just for show.  And he only does that for human males.

This being Brazil, I'm amazed he's not giving all those poor dogs butt lifts.

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I'll wrap this up with one of my favorite things: a celebrity quote, today from actress Cate Blanchett.

According to WENN news, Cate says she's skeptical of cosmetics and cynical about how the cosmetics industry encourages women to be terrified of aging.  But she signed to be the face of SK-II Japanese skin creams because, she said, SK-II doesn't play by those rules.  She also took a swipe at very young models by noting that they are now losing cosmetics ads to more mature celebrities.  Cate said...

"I certainly think that when I flick through all the magazines at the hairdresser's, I like to see and am drawn to images that have an intelligence and mind at work behind them. Whilst I'm sure there is a mind at work behind a 12-year-old girl, it's something different from a woman in her 30s, where there is a life experience behind it."

And of course, if that life experience shows in the model's face, there's always Botox.
 
 
 

Aug. 13, 2004

Hooray!  Django finally has their online calendar back up after weeks of blankness!  Welcome to all you visitors who just found out we were going to be there on Sunday!  Yes, we do exist!  We are not an ancient Mayan myth!

This may be the last Django show for a little while, since we're taking a bit of time to line up private gigs and shows in other cities and to edit the upcoming TV special, so if you'd like to come see us, please make your reservations for Sunday's show ASAP at 214-370-9917.
 

And now, the news you can't really use...
 

A Mexican model who goes by the solo soubriquet "Sabrina" is planning to have 13 breast implant operations in an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records (whether for Biggest Breasts or World's Worst Backache, I can't say).  After nine operations, she now has size 42GG breasts and is planning four more operations to "PUMP...herself up" to 42XX.

She said, "I don't care how many times I have to be operated on, I just want to be the record holder."  Well, I hope she gets the record she wants, because she sure won't be setting any records for the high jump.

An interesting sidelight to this story: she has a $1 million insurance policy on her breasts.  That's probably less than she's paid for them so far.  Still, it's nice to have liability coverage in case they explode and passersby drown in saline.

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Here's yet another way to make money off plastic surgery:  Argentine artist Nicola Constantino is selling sculptures made from her own liposuctioned fat.  Her Buenos Aires exhibit, "Take a Shower with Me," features 100 soaps and two sculptures of the naked female body that all include some of the two liters of lard she had sucked from her body.  She told Las Ultimas Noticias, "I know it is disgusting," but the soaps "have something that wakes up people's sexuality and eroticism.  It is an invitation to put our bodies in contact."

Apparently, before she had lipo, nobody accepted her invitations to shower with her.  She may think it's erotic, but it affects me like a cold shower.

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The London Daily Telegraph reports a new trend called "grown-up gap years." "Gap years" usually refers to young people traveling before starting their careers; but now, over-50s are deciding that they're not getting enough thrills from Viagra and Cialis, and they're quitting the rat race to live a little before retiring.

A firm that places volunteers says more older people are trotting off to help orphans in Peru or India, while travel agents report over-50s taking more extreme vacations, like whitewater rafting, scuba diving and elephant trekking (for me, taking any vacation would be extreme).  One factor is Britain's inheritance tax: older people have a lot of money, and they'd rather spend their kids' inheritance than leave it to the government.  Although I'm sure their kids would prefer that they just fork it over while they're still alive.

A salute to these people who are sowing their wild oats at whatever age, even if their kids think they should be home eating oats!

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Finally, in an online survey of over 55,000 people by Britain's FemaleFirst website, women chose a pair of stiletto heels as the women's clothing item that made them feel sexiest, and men chose stilettos as the item that makes a woman look sexiest.  No word on how many men chose stilettos as the clothing item that makes them look sexiest.  Experts said very high heel shoes change a woman's posture, enhancing her legs, pushing her hips forward and her rear out, and giving her a sexy wiggle as she walks (and giving her a sexy pout because her feet are KILLING HER!)  10 percent of the women said they feel so sexy in stilettos, they even wear them during sex.  Probably because men don't give them time to take them off.

In fact, they enjoy them even more during sex, because they don't have to stand up in them.
 
 
 

Aug. 7, 2004

Just eight days until showtime, and Django has yet to get us onto their online calendar, so if you have an email list of friends, please pass the word around.  This is the last public show we currently have scheduled for Django, and with the TV special and other distractions, I'm not certain when we'll be back.  It may be another five or six weeks, so please come see us next Sunday, the 15th!

Before we get to the funny stuff, here is a must-read serious article from the New York Post by Hope Donohue, who was literally addicted to plastic surgery.  She's written a book about how her poor self-image nearly destroyed her life.  It's called Beautiful Stranger, and I can't wait to read it, even though it sounds more like a horror story than a memoir.

The Post also has a good sidebar article about a top Manhattan plastic surgeon who actually discourages people from going overboard.  He warns against some procedures, particularly for certain people, and says that learning to say "no" is a "giant step for plastic surgeons everywhere."  His book (out in October) is called "A Little Work: Behind the Doors of a Park Avenue Plastic Surgeon."    A sample quote:  "Some people believe that if they don't smile, they won't have smile lines, but that's just ridiculous.  There are only two things you can do to make a difference in your skin: Protect it from the sun and do not smoke.   Otherwise, hope for good genes."

And, of course, eat lots and lots of salmon.

********************************************

One way you can tell you're addicted to plastic surgery is that you run out of things to do to yourself and start body-sculpting your cow.  Believe it or not, this has become so common, Tasmania's Agricultural Show Council has passed new rules to stop the rising tide of cattle breeders giving cosmetic surgery to cows to help them win blue ribbons.  A spokesman said when cows are in a show, they want them to be natural, not surgically enhanced (sounds like we have higher standards for cows than we do for actresses).  For instance, they seal or glue the cows' teats or pump up their stomachs to expand them, sort of the reverse of what they do to Miss Universe contestants.

I hope the cows don't become addicted to plastic surgery after they get all that work and still come out looking like cows.

**********************************************

And from the "(Some) Men Are Real Oinky-Oink Pigs" Department:

Police in Constanta County, Romania, want a ban on topless women over 60 at the Black Sea beach because they're getting complaints that it's "ugly" and may harm tourism.  Police chief Victor Popescu said old women should know that "going topless has its age limit," and patrolmen on the beach say they're often sickened by the sight.  One said, "It's always a pleasure to see a young woman, who also has to be beautiful of course, topless on the beach," but old topless women are "sometimes quite repulsive."  He says he understands wanting to get a uniform tan, "but old women should simply give up on it."

This from a bunch of cops who probably live on a diet of donuts.

I understand why they want only beautiful young topless women on the beach, because they attract lots of ugly, old, fat men tourists in Speedos.   But here's a news flash for those cops: If those young, beautiful women keep sunning their bare breasts, they just might look like prunes themselves by the time they're 30.  Then the older women may be the hottest-looking chicks on the beach.  But don't expect them to sleep with any cops anytime soon.
 
 
 

Aug. 5, 2004

Walk into any mega-store, and you'll see an entire aisle marked "Aging" or "Midlife."  These are the books that tell you that your age doesn't matter, marketed to people age 40 and up.

Without necessarily saying that I'm a part of that demographic group, I decided to read two of them.

The first one is called Age-Less, written by Fredric Brandt, M.D., with Patricia Reynoso.  Dr. Brandt, in practice as a dermatologist for over 20 years, is billed as the largest user of injectable collagen and Botox in the world; let's hope his claim isn't just referring to personal use.  He was actively involved in the FDA clinical trials that led to the approval of Botox and also participated in trials for collagen and Restylane.  He says that he "personally tests every procedure and product innovation on himself and his devoted patients."  (Wait a minute...isn't that how Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde?)

Patricia Reynoso is credited as the senior beauty editor at W magazine who has written extensively about skin care.  Let's hope they also had the assistance of a pharmacist in creating the final draft.  Who else would be able to decipher a doctor's handwriting?

Anyway, after reading this book, I know everything I could possibly want to know about Botox.  Personally, I have not ever gotten 'tox"-ed (though I have sung about it!), but Dr. Brandt assures me that, in the right hands, Botox doesn't freeze the expression.  I guess there are a lot of wrong hands, because I'm seeing more and more actors (male and female) and TV personalities whose brows never furrow and whose eyes never narrow the slightest bit, even when they're being photographed outdoors in bright sun.  (I'm resisting the temptation to "go tabloid" and name names.)  Presumably, these celebrities have access to the best of the best, Botox-wise, so Dr. Brandt's idea of what looks "frozen" likely differs from mine.  His view will probably end up being the dominant one; I'm sure that in the not-too-distant future, the sight of someone squinting in bright light will just seem...unnatural!

Dr. Brandt says that he pioneered the Botox "neck-lift."  I hadn't heard of this and wonder if most dermatologists even do it.  He injects Botox into the neck - pardon me while I breathe for a few moments.  Ah, now I can continue - INTO THE NECK to bring about a lift to the jawline and a softer look to the neck.  Yikes!  We may assume he tried this procedure on himself first, and he says there is no pain.  Not having met Dr. Brandt, I have to say he's one of the most courageous men I have never met.

I've always carried a lot of tension around in my neck and shoulders.  Maybe Botox in my neck would be just the thing.  On the other hand, I've learned from my voice teacher how to relax the muscles in my throat.  I'm also using a great "cervical" pillow, recommended by a chiropractor, and I think my neck does look softer and more relaxed than it did a year ago.  Sunscreen and good skincare don't hurt, either.  So I think I'll look presentable enough without Botox in the neck, thank you.  At least for now.

At the time this book went to press, Restylane was still awaiting approval from the FDA, so Dr. Brandt was recommending bovine collagen as the "injectable" of choice.  (I've never had my face injected with collagen, either, so this chapter made for interesting reading.)  Then he discusses up-and-coming products, and Restylane does sound like a good, natural, long-lasting "filler."  Of course, there are numerous other products on the market, especially in Europe and South America, that are probably close chemical equivalents of bathroom caulk (medical grade -- if you're lucky).  These include permanent fillers like injectable silicone, which will never go away no matter how awful they've made you look.  I've heard horror stories about the doctors in South America, but believe me, there are plenty of doctors right here in the U.S.A. who will give you anything you want  (just ask Michael Jackson), whether it's approved or not.  How they stay out of jail, let alone keep their licenses, is beyond me.  So consider yourself warned:  before asking for - or agreeing to -- any product or procedure, you'd better have done your homework!

I suppose that part of that homework, if you're seeking some cosmetic help short of plastic surgery, would be to read this book, even though it's a little out of date.  (All these books go out of date fast.)

The second book is The Five Principles of Ageless Living by model and motivational speaker Dayle Haddon.

Dayle - I feel I know her as a friend after reading her book, so I'll call her Dayle --  started modeling as a teenager and became hugely successful, but lost her husband as she neared 40, and her life changed sadly and abruptly.  Through bad management, her money was gone, too.  At her age, she could get no modeling work at all.  She found out what it's like to be rejected simply because of one's age.  But she didn't give up; instead, she went to beauty industry executives and convinced them that they should advertise to women of all ages.  She became a spokesperson for L'Oreal, as well as a bestselling author and motivational speaker.  And from the tone of her book, I can tell she would be a wonderful motivational speaker.

This is a lovely, inspirational book by a deeply compassionate and unflaggingly positive woman.  (I hope she would be able to laugh at some of my more satirical comments and song lyrics; there's not a moment of negativism in her text.)  This book would be especially valuable for the woman who has never really taken the time out of her busy life to examine her own needs and desires for her future.  Dayle encourages "ageless living" - in her words, "We live agelessly when we free ourselves from our preconceived limitations of age, when we live unrestricted by a date on our driver's license."

Question, please?  If the idea for a fulfilling life is to live agelessly, why is this book targeted only to those who are 40-plus?

Time after time in the book, Dayle mentions 40 as the approximate age at which women have gained the wisdom, compassion and life experience to start rocking their own worlds, as well as the understanding that life is finite and must be explored to the fullest.  Yes, this is true for many 40-year-old women.  But I hope to meet Dayle someday and tell her that I would have gained perspective from reading her book at age 30...even 20.  That's true not only for the inspirational parts but even for the medical advice; how I wish I'd known about the importance of calcium and sunscreen when I was 20.

Life does not happen according to a timetable, folks!  Some women are leading unexamined lives at 40, even 50.  Some women (and men) never really wise up.  We all lead different lives.  Physically, we age differently; I recently met a woman my age who looked old enough to be my mother.  Our careers follow many different arcs.  We get married and have children at different times; my niece is only 18, but she's already married and expecting a baby! When I was 18, I was living in a college dorm.  My niece's life will be vastly different from mine - I've never been pregnant (or even changed a diaper) and will never know what it's like to be a grandmother.  My niece may reach that stage of wisdom/compassion/desire much sooner than I did.

As for me, my epiphany didn't happen because of any significant birthday.  It happened after I was successfully treated for a medical condition that had limited my activities for quite some time.   Meniere's Disease, cause unknown, affects the ability of the inner ear (in my case, the left one) to control balance; it causes excruciatingly long sessions of violent vertigo and nausea that I wouldn't wish on anyone, except perhaps Osama bin Laden.  My onstage life was effectively derailed.  Three years ago, I was successfully treated at The University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center.  That was quite a process; I had to gradually learn how to balance myself again with just the sensory information from my right ear.

After several months, when my recovery was complete and I was remembering what it was like to feel good, I looked around at the world and wondered, "Whatever happened to me?"  Now, if I'd been "cured" at age 30, 40, 50 or even 60, I would have looked around in just the same way.  I would have had that same feeling of wanting to make up for lost time.  As it was, I felt cheated out of years of my life, and it had nothing to do with reaching "midlife" on the calendar.

I hope to meet Dayle someday, hear her speak, and suggest to her that she could better illustrate the wonderful concept of "ageless living" by communicating to women of all ages.

Perhaps it was her publisher's idea to target the book to women over 40.  No doubt that's the group the marketing department had identified as affluent and growing, with needs to be met.  In truth, I believe that most of the age-ism in our world today is the fault of marketers.  Divide and conquer, that's their M.O.  And it's not just age.  If you or I thought of people strictly in terms of their race, sex, income and neighborhood, we'd be rightly thought of as racists, sexists and snobs.  But if a marketing professional does this, he's just doing his job.

Which brings me to More magazine.  Now, I often read More magazine and have found much of value in it.  But I was recently paging through the July/August issue (with Sigourney Weaver on the cover), and suddenly had the most awful feeling of rage!  This is a magazine that I would think is dedicated to the philosophy of "ageless living."  It's always talking about breaking boundaries and exploding misconceptions about age.  But when you really examine this magazine, the whole thing is ABOUT AGE!!!  Virtually every page is a reminder that you're in that "40-plus" group.  No one under 40 is even mentioned; in fact, I believe that's editorial policy.  Every woman is identified by her exact age.  This magazine makes just as big a deal about age as the rest of our world does, perhaps even more.  The only difference is, they put a positive spin on it.  Actually, I think they put so much effort into putting on that spin, they've in danger of spinning out.  Yes, it's true:  More magazine is age-obsessed.

Okay, professional marketers, I have had enough.  If you want to target me, target me because I love to make a beautiful home, enjoy the arts, seek out great clothes (especially pants with a 34-inch inseam), appreciate fine food and wine, like organic gardening but need to keep it low-maintenance, have a professional-grade sense of humor, care deeply for animals (especially birds), am fascinated by history and period architecture, and crave un-spun, factual information about what's happening in the world.  I am not defined by my age.  Don't target me for my age!!!  Just stop it right now!  If you keep doing this, I'll see right through you, and you haven't seen resistance like mine.

At the same time, I have to mention that after I had cooled down long enough to pick up the magazine I'd flung across the room (sorry, Sigourney), I found a really enjoyable column in that issue of More.  It's the "Viewpoint" by Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly, in which she critiques a pile of self-help books marketed to "midlife" women.  She actually sounds a lot like me.  That must be why I like her.  And I'm sure I'll find much more of interest as I read through.  But, please, please, More magazine:  back off from the constant age drumbeat.  We all know how old we are.  Jeez.  Sometimes you need to just get off it.

Well, I'd better stop ranting (it's hard, though) so I can get this off to you today.  But very soon, I'll have an update on those celebrity tabloids that you and I never read.  You know, the ones with fully-illustrated articles that have titles like "The Best And Worst Celebrity Boobs And Butts."  Is it any wonder that celebrities get plastic surgery?

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I have a ton of great goofy news stories, but since I've ranted on so long, I'll include just a couple now and add more tomorrow. But these are too good to wait...

A health spa in Klagenfurt, Austria, is offering the ultimate fantasy: a soak in a bath full of melted chocolate.  It's drawing lots of customers who believe the chocolate has restorative properties for skin, including preventing wrinkles.  A spa worker said visitors are encouraged to splash around in it, but they're not allowed to eat any because it's "too fattening" (Also because a lot of wrinkly Austrians have been bathing in it.)

But if you do eat it and get fat, your wrinkles will fill out, so what the heck, dive right in!

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Mentor Corp. will air the first prime time TV commercials for a specific brand of breast implants during ABC's "Extreme Makeover" next fall.  They say the saline implant spots will not be sexy, but "classy and elegant" with general information and scenarios showing a working woman or mom.  Ad experts said it's an unusual ad for TV because this is normally a choice that's between a woman and her doctor, and it's a product that's never seen once it's in use.  Unless it's a really bad boob job.

This is really nothing new.  "Extreme Makeover" has never been anything but a 60-minute commercial for breast implants.
 
 
 

Aug. 3, 2004

Sorry these postings are coming less frequently, but I've been very busy.  The interview filming for the TV special got put off until next week, which will delay the show a bit, and it necessitated a lot of schedule juggling.  It also means the show definitely won't air before our August 15th show at Django.  So please come on out, and if you know anyone who'd enjoy our show, please send them an email or give them a call and tell them to come see us!  We need all the promotion we can get!

I'm working on a longer essay on a serious topic, but here's a celebrity story to tide you over.  It seems Halle Berry has come out against plastic surgery, claiming that people who get it to look younger are "insane" (she doesn't make any diagnoses of the mental state of people who get nose jobs so they can be movie stars).

Halle said women start mutilating their faces in their thirties, and it's a slippery slope, where you pull one side tight, then you think, "Oh my God, I've got to do the other side" (funny, I assumed most people did both sides at once -- maybe some surgeons do facelifts on the installment plan.)   Halle ruefully added that "Beauty is essentially meaningless, and it is always transitory," and that "being thought of as 'a beautiful woman' has spared me nothing in life.  No heartache, no trouble..."

Still, it is the only reason anyone's going to see "Catwoman."  And she may find that when she's no longer thought of as "a beautiful woman" but instead as an "older woman," she will have "no work."
 
 
 

July 29, 2004

Every so often, I run across a story that seems to be tailor made for writing jokes, but upon closer inspection, it's too sad and I just can't do it.  This is one of those stories.  If, like me, you have a morbid fascination with plastic surgery addicts, you must read this.  It's about a very intelligent woman whose unhappy childhood led her to have lots of plastic surgery in a desperate attempt to feel attractive, including embarking on a painful quest to have the biggest breasts in Great Britain.  Warning: contains a topless photo that is really more disturbing than erotic.

On a lighter note (I suppose, although this is actually quite similar to the first story), Anna Nicole Smith has posed nude again, only this time she did it to prove that her weight loss is thanks to TrimSpa, baby, and not stomach-stapling surgery.  She wanted to show there are no scars on her stomach.  Because how else could she prove that, other than by posing fully nude?  I'm sure Anna Nicole couldn't think of any other way.

The ironic part is that she's posing nude to prove she hasn't had surgery, yet if it weren't for surgery, Anna Nicole Smith might never have been asked to pose nude in the first place.
 
 

July 27, 2004

I'm getting ready for the next show at Django on Aug. 15 and will be cutting some interview footage next week for the TV special.  My makeup will be done by Donatelle, the "Makeup Maven," a regular Rembrandt of war paint, whom I highly recommend for anything from headshots to weddings.  Click here to learn more about her.  And now, let's catch up on the news...
 

Some people claim red wine can keep you looking younger and sexier, and I don't mean by getting your significant other too drunk to see straight.  No, they say wine is actually good for the breasts (that's why wine glasses are shaped the way they are.  It's no coincidence: they're made for soaking).

Red wine is rich in vitamin E, and proponents claim that applying it directly to the breasts nourishes the skin, making it healthy and elastic and restoring firmness.  Las Ultimas Noticias reports that in Buenos Aires, there's a fad in beauty salons for creams made with red wine, or treatments that pour wine directly onto the breasts and rub it in.  If they're doing it in Buenos Aires, it must be good for fake breasts, too.

I can just imagine all the straight guys who are now considering quitting their jobs, moving to Argentina and going to work in beauty salons.  Giving those treatments would probably do wonders for their heart rates.

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This November in Beijing, China, women from across Asia will compete in the first beauty contest for women who've had plastic surgery (as if all the other beauty contests aren't!)  The title is "Miss Plastic Surgery," and I assume the crown goes to her surgeon.  The contestants so far include a woman from Hebei province who's had 13 operations, or what Pamela Anderson calls "The Starter Kit."  To avoid having women subject themselves to bungled rush jobs, participants' surgery must have been completed no later than May 29 of this year, so Michael Jackson can't compete.  Good thing the producers of "The Swan" had no such qualms.

Let me know if you enter.  And if you lose, don't feel bad.  Just have more plastic surgery and enter again next year.

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That icon of age defiance, Cher (whom I mention in my act) is making news this week.  First, she announced that she's added another North American leg to her "Farewell" tour that's been going on for three years now.  Talk about "The Long Goodbye!"  She's added so many legs, it should be called "The Millipede Tour."

And more good news for gay guys: Cher hasn't even left yet, and she's already back!  The Logo network, a new cable channel that is targeting gay, lesbian and transgender viewers, announced plans for a new show hosted by Cher and her lesbian activist daughter Chastity Bono.  I hear the guests will all be transsexuals who look just like Cher, except it took them less surgery than it did her.

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Finally today, while my crusade is against ageism, it's not the only thing actresses have to battle in Hollywood.  There's also the taboo against having an ounce of fat on your body.

Kirstie Alley admits she has tarried a bit long at the catering table in recent years, but she's now swallowing her pride to poke fun at herself and at Hollywood's ideas about weight in a new show she created and sold to Showtime.  It's oxymoronically entitled "Fat Actress."   It will include improvised scenes of the life of an overweight celebrity, inspired by Alley's real life coping with Hollywood's obsession with weight and beauty, her own weight gain and her problems finding a relationship and getting work.  (Come on, she's over 40: she wouldn't be getting work, anyway).

Sometimes when I say that age is the last culturally-acceptable bias, people say, "Well, what about weight?" or "What about baldness?"  My theory is that it all comes back to age: people don't want to be fat or bald because they associate being slim and having hair with youth.   Which is ridiculous, since there seem to be millions of American teenagers these days who have shaved heads and weigh 300 pounds.

Anyway, hats off to Kirstie Alley for turning a problem into a career move and selling it to Showtime (even though they probably wanted to buy the idea and cast Lara Flynn Boyle in it).  Showtime will begin filming "Fat Actress" as soon as Kirstie loses 30 pounds.
 
 
 

July 23, 2004

Plastic surgery has become so omnipresent (soon, I expect to see an entire TV network that shows nothing but plastic surgery operations -- as opposed to all the other TV networks, which show nothing but plastic surgery recipients) that stories about it often go unnoticed, other than here.  But here's a story that seems to be popping up everywhere.  It's really captured people's imaginations:

The New Yorker reports that members of all four branches of the U.S. military are being offered free plastic surgery.  Enlistees and their family members can get facelifts, nosejobs, liposuction and even breast enlargements at taxpayer expense, as long as their commanders approve the time off. Between 2000 and 2003, military doctors performed 496 breast enlargements (guess our army won't be able to travel on its stomach anymore).

This has sparked the expected objections by everyone from anti-plastic surgery feminists to tax money watchdog groups.  But an Army spokesperson explained all the beautification by saying, "Military surgeons have to have someone to practice on."   Honestly, would you let Frank Burns from "MASH" hone his plastic surgery skills on you? You do realize the problem with being a guinea pig for a plastic surgeon is that you may actually end up looking like a guinea pig?  At least when you get a bad haircut from an Army barber, it eventually grows back.  Noses don't grow back (just ask Michael Jackson).

And I wonder if the breast implants are saline, silicone or Navy surplus torpedo shells, like the ones Anna Nicole Smith got?

Oh well, maybe this will make our "shock and awe" campaigns even more effective.  We'll leave the enemy stunned just because our troops are so damned stunning.
 
 
 

July 22, 2004

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who came to the DCTV taping of "My Ship Has Sailed" on July 18 at Django.  The place was packed with old friends and new, and I could not have asked for a more supportive and responsive audience!  I haven't seen the footage yet but am assured it came out very well.  (At the risk of sounding like Blanche DuBois, I just hope the light was flattering.  I have to look young and beautiful while doing my show about age bias!)

Director David Clements will be shooting some interview-style footage of me to intercut with moments from the show.  That's right, I get another opportunity to hop onto my soapbox, just the way I do here, to make my point about age-obsession.  As you might imagine, I can't wait.

I also understand that several members of the audience went before the camera to give comments.  Thanks so much for your input; I'm really eager to see it.

Many of you came up to me after the show to say that it really strikes a nerve -- that nobody else is really taking on the issue of age bias/obsession.  Even Brian (my music director and accompanist) beamed at me as he was packing up his van and said, "Wow…this is growing!"  And it's true:  we started small, last September, in the relatively tiny but very cool Ruby Room on Greenville Avenue.  (The Ruby Room has since closed, but we had good crowds there so, hey, it's not my fault!)  We had no budget at all for the show; my husband Pat became my unpaid "PR slave" and also my webmaster, even though he'd never created a website before.  Sometimes he drives to an all-night Kinko's at 3 AM to print the flyers and programs.  My glamorous dress really did come from Marshall's, marked down 80 percent.  We have come a long way, and this is just the beginning!

Sunday's taping was a wonderful experience for me.  Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you and sing my silly songs.  I believe more strongly than ever that this is what I was born to do.  (It doesn't matter when.)  Laughter has the power to change the world – and helps get us through in the meantime.

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And now, a little news...

Sharon Stone is in the headlines, for being 46 YEARS OLD and posing seductively in her skimpies for an artful black-and-white spread in Rolling Stone magazine.

By the way, if I didn't mention it, the reason Stone's photos are getting so much press is that she is 46 YEARS OLD.  This is the most important thing you need to know about Sharon Stone.  46 YEARS OLD.  In fact, any time that any actress over 40 manages to look gorgeous, with or without clothes, the slant will be how AMAZING it is that she looks fabulous, considering she's really an OLD HAG OVER 40!  OH, MY GOD, SHE'S OVER 40!!!  SHE MUST BE SOME KIND OF FREAK OF NATURE!!  SHE'S DEFYING THE LAWS OF GRAVITY!!!  HOW LONG CAN SHE DO IT???  HOW MANY HOURS OF PHOTOSHOP DID THEY NEED TO FIX ALL THOSE UNSIGHTLY AND EMBARRASSING SIGNS OF – gasp -- AGE???

Okay, Laura, take a deep breath and calm down.  Much better…

My point is, I just don't understand why this story has to be about Sharon Stone's age.  Yes, she looks great.  And, sure, she's probably had a little help, but so have most professional models and actresses, regardless of age.  (Remember, they receive the benefits of PhotoShop, too.)  The standards of beauty are almost impossibly high today for every woman in the public eye.

Ironically, Stone's villainous role in the upcoming movie "Catwoman" is that of a former supermodel who will stop at nothing – nothing, I tell you! – to halt the aging process and achieve eternal youth.  (Considering the outrageous acting in this movie, the secret of youth probably has something to do with chewing scenery.)  Stone herself is philosophical about getting older:

“I don't want to be one of those actresses with a baby-doll hairdo at 90.  My body is skinny now.  Let's gracefully surrender the things of youth, shall we?”  And, “I will not go around saying I'm 35 because I do not believe in that…I really like what this movie has to say about finding out who you are and then giving yourself the power to just be yourself.”

Hear, hear!  Now if the media would just relax about “the age thing,” she wouldn't have to decide how old she wanted to “be,” because they wouldn't even be asking her, because it would be irrelevant.  It would be like asking her for her blood type or shoe size.

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Here's a bit of trivia about me:  Like Sharon Stone, I've played a villainous character obsessed with youth.  She was the sorceress Morgan La Fey, King Arthur's evil half-sister in the musical "Camelot."   Morgan is actually hundreds of years old, but she gives the illusion of being very beautiful; she uses her magic powers to keep from ever looking over 20.  Playing her was great fun.  I have to admit, too, it did make me feel good to know that I could be considerably over 20 and still get cast in this role.  (Of course, I never told my actual age – why should I?)

Just think, if Morgan were around today and could bottle and sell her potion, she'd be richer than Bill Gates.  Just from the TV anchorwoman market alone.

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Speaking of “older women” showing off their great bodies, I just saw a beautifully made – and achingly sad – movie called "The Door In The Floor," starring Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger.  I was really moved by the performances, particularly Basinger's, whose character in this film has been crushed by tragedy.  Most of her suffering is internalized, unexpressed, but the audience feels every shallow breath, senses the effort her heart has to make just to keep beating.  The tiny lines etched into her still-beautiful face seem not so much a reflection of her age as of the tissue-thin fragility of her emotions.

Basinger does show her body in this film, and, of course, she looks beautiful.  Mimi Rogers, in a smaller role, shows quite a bit more of hers.  (Yes, we do see the natural effects of gravity here, but Rogers is posing for an artist.  It seems to me that most artists who paint the female form LIKE those feminine slopes and curves.)  And of course, it should come as no surprise that the feature stories I've read about this movie make a huge deal about THE AGE OF THE ACTRESSES who appear nude.

The film received high praise from critics and is doing well in limited release.  I have to admit, one reason I went to see it was to send movie studios the message that the box office for movies starring grown-up people can be strong.  This is the only way we're going to get more of them.
 
 

July 19, 2004

Still recuperating from the show/TV taping on Sunday.   A million thanks to everyone who came out, packed Django and supported me!   And our apologies for the delay in starting, which was largely caused by Django having an unexpected wait staff shortage.  That should not happen again at our next show on August 15, since that show will include a serve-yourself buffet dinner.

I'm also recuperating from a nasty cold/sore throat which I managed to sing through.  So I'll just post a few stories about age and beauty, and talk more about the show later...

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Scientists at Australia's St. Vincent's Institute of Medical Research are developing a pill that simulates the effects of an exercise workout (it makes you sweaty and cranky and paranoid about how you look in spandex?)  Many companies worldwide are working on such a pill, but the Australians have made a breakthrough by unlocking an enzyme that accelerates metabolism and turns off the synthesis of fat and cholesterol.  But before couch potatoes get too excited, a researcher says it might help burn fat and cholesterol, but if you want six-pack abs, no pill will do it, even if you wash the pill down with a six pack.  No, you'll still have to exercise.  Unfortunately, walking to the medicine cabinet to get the pill is more exercise than most people want to do.

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The FDA warned that more than 50 Americans have suffered adverse reactions to tattooed-on permanent makeup, including swelling, cracking, peeling, blistering, scarring, disfigurement and difficulty in eating and talking.  And that's just Michael Jackson.  Okay, so it sounds a little dangerous -- but it's such  a time-saver in the morning!

My big concern about this is, what if makeup styles change and yours is permanent?  Imagine spending 2004 with the same tropical fish-style eye shadow that was popular in 1968.

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Kirsten Dunst ordered the designers of the "Spider-Man 2" video game to "tone down the boobs" on her character, saying they had been inflated to "ridiculous" proportions.  They were like something out of a comic book!  It looked as if she'd been bitten by a radioactive milkcow.

I have to give credit to Kirsten.  Most Hollywood actresses would've just run to a plastic surgeon and gotten ridiculously inflated breasts that matched the video game.

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After 45 years on top of the toy market, sales of Barbie products have suffered a 13 percent drop worldwide. Mattel is trying to reverse Barbie's sagging bottom line with a mid-life makeover.  She's dumped long-time boyfriend Ken for an Australian surfer doll, is getting trendier makeup and fashions, and will appear in some hip new variations, such as an "American Idol" Barbie (she dumps Ken for the more macho Clay Aiken doll).  This sounds more like Mid-Life Crisis Barbie.

Well, good luck to her, getting onto "American Idol" at the age of 45.  Simon Cowell will probably suggest that she get that sagging bottom line shored up with a Brazilian butt lift.

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Finally, some news that will make Dr. Perricone shudder:  according to a new study, almost one-quarter of the calories consumed by the average American come from junk foods, such as candy, ice cream, chips, soda and cheese curls.  And the rest come from healthy foods, such as deep-fried pizza.

They made a pie chart to illustrate this, but someone mistook it for a pie and ate it.
 
 
 

July 16, 2004

The big day is fast approaching (the Sunday show/TV taping) and the club is filling up!  Thanks to everyone for making reservations.  We are almost at capacity, but there's a bit more room, so if you want to be there, please call in ASAP!  And remember, if you can't make it to this one, there's a dinner show coming up Aug. 15.

We're adding a bass player for this Sunday's show, and I'm going in for a rehearsal with him and Brian this afternoon.  Not much spare time for blogging, but here are a few stories to keep you updated...

To start off with a major one, "American Idol" is raising its age limit for singers!  As many of you know, one of the major inspirations for "My Ship Has Sailed" was the way "AI" put an arbitrary limit on how old a singer can be before officially being declared useless.  But the producers now admit that they were rejecting too many talented singers, so they're raising the maximum age...from 26 to 28!  (So if your grandma can sing, wake her up and tell her opportunity's knocking!)

The producers explain in this story that there is still an age limit of 28, because, after all, the winner needs to be young enough to have a career as a pop singer.  And we can't expect the kids to buy records by an old crone of 29, can we?

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Pulitzer Prize-winning editor Nancy Ruhling is suing New York Newsday for $60 million, claiming they've subjected her to a campaign of harassment and humiliation since she refused an early retirement buyout (she's 47, which she thought was a tad too early for retirement, but she says Newsday's bosses wanted to replace her with someone younger, hipper and cheaper).  She claims one of her principal duties is now the most demeaning thing the bosses could think of: she has to go through the daily comics, looking to see if any cartoonists have drawn in butt cracks, and edit them out.   She hasn't seen any butt cracks, but she has had to draw pants on Snoopy, Garfield and Marmaduke.

Funny, I don't recall ever seeing any butt cracks in the comics, but it sounds like there are a lot of A-holes at New York Newsday.

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Travel not only broadens you, it now makes you rounder.   Argentina's Pagina 12 newspaper reports that the American travel agency Plenitas Health & Leisure is offering all-inclusive vacations to Buenos Aires that combine tango lessons and a range of plastic surgery procedures.  Apparently, a lot of people think it's a great idea to head to South America for plastic surgery that's banned by the FDA because the most popular package is a week's worth of tango lessons combined with silicone breast implants.  (If you get the really big ones before taking tango lessons, you may also have to get your arms lengthened.)

Be sure to get both breasts done.  Remember: it takes two to tango.

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A survey by Britain's Norwich Union Healthcare found that women are feeling more pressure than ever to regain their figures quickly after giving birth.  With all they have to worry about, almost half of new moms said their #1 concern after having a baby was losing weight, largely because of the social pressure sparked by celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss, who make it look easy.  (Come on!  I'll bet that even when Kate Moss was nine months pregnant, she just looked like she'd swallowed an orange whole.)  One obstetrician told the London Daily Telegraph that normal moms need to realize celebrities have a vested interest in looking great quickly and can take time off to work out every day with paid trainers.

Just as soon as they recover from the liposuction and tummy tuck, of course.

Or they can take the easy way to preserve their figures and just buy the baby from Cambodia.

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Finally, here's proof that actresses over 40 are still a-peeling.  First Sharon Stone said she was close to doing a "Basic Instinct 2," and now Mimi Rogers and Kim Basinger are doing full nude scenes in the new movie, "The Door In The Floor."

Rogers called it "a little scary" to shoot the nude scenes (they must've been using high-def cameras), but she insisted it's not gratuitous, but an "art scene" relevant to the story (it makes you appreciate the art of the plastic surgeon).

Celebrity Quote Time: She added,  "The thing that's cool about this movie is that Kim and I both have a lot of nudity -- two hot ladies over 40.  We're going to set the industry on its ear.  'Don't forget about us, boys.'  And Kim, she's like freakishly beautiful.  It all helps reinforce the idea that age doesn't have that much to do with beauty.  Over 40 is a state of mind."

I'm certainly glad to hear her say that.  For most actresses, over 40 is a state of panic.
 
 
 

July 11, 2004

We're getting really good response to next week's show & TV taping.  Thanks to all the newsletter subscribers who replied; to the likeminded gals like Ellen at Noon City, a fascinating site where you can spend hours reading about everything from failed romances to the latest cosmetics and plastic surgery procedures (and aren't the two often related?); and to whoever submitted the listing for our show to the 500 Inc., which put it on the top of their entertainment bulletin.  I'm really looking forward to making this the best show ever.  We're even working on adding a bass player, not only for the enhanced sound but because what's cooler on a stage than a stand-up bass?

But it's a big club and we still have plenty of seats available (the Weekend Guide listing won't appear until Friday, and Django has yet to alert their email list), so if you'd like to come, please RSVP to 214-370-9917 as soon as possible.

Just so this won't be a complete commercial, here's some news for you, or as close to "news" as Entertainment Tonight is likely to get...

This weekend's one-hour "Entertainment Tonight", which airs at different times in different markets, is all about Hollywood's Plastic Surgery and Weight Loss Secrets (or as secret as anything can be that's covered in telescopic close-up photos on the covers of 14 tabloids.)  It seems as if they do this theme every other week (God knows, they'll never run out of material), but this one was especially interesting.

It included looks at some European TV shows that make "Extreme Makeover" look like "Romper Room" (just pretend you're not old enough to remember "Romper Room.")  The creepiest was an Italian show called "Scalpel!: No One's Perfect."  This show was basically "Extreme Makeover," except they actually show the surgery -- incisions, full frontal nudity, bloody goop and all -- live on TV.  One woman (pixilated by "E.T."), just sat there with her shirt off, telling the camera what she wanted the doctors to do to her sagging mammaries.  In America, we get hysterical over seeing Janet Jackson's breast for one second on the Super Bowl, but in Italy, TV viewers would just look at it and say, "When does the overhaul start?"

The winner of "The Swan" beauty pageant made a brief appearance, mentioning her brow lift. Did you know that every "Swan" contestant was given a brow lift, although most of them were just in their twenties?  Now we know why these women all looked so surprised when when they looked in the mirror.  From now on, they'll always look surprised!

There were also reports on the latest things the stars are having done to themselves so they can keep playing angst-ridden teenagers on WB shows until they're past 40, including a non-surgical face-lift device called ThermaCool that tightens the skin and promotes collagen production through the use of radio waves.  The doctor presses a wand that feels very, very cold against your facial wrinkles (I'm betting this was invented by a gynecologist who kept his exam tools in the freezer).  This proves the theory behind Botox: freezing your face really does make you look younger.

"E.T." even threw in a couple of those celebrity quotes I'm so fond of.  The most honest and thoughtful came from Sela Ward (naturally, they gave her age in the story, but I'M NOT GOING TO!), who noted that there's so much plastic surgery in Hollywood, we don't even know what 60 looks like anymore, and it's strange to think of all that energy going toward something like this.  But then, she added, "Having said that, do I think I'm going to have the courage not to have a face lift? I have no idea."

Finally, the funniest quote came from Pamela Anderson, who once again talked in hushed and serious tones about how she'd had her unhealthy and fake-looking breast implants removed.   Yes, Pam looks so much more natural now that she has traded in her plastic watermelons for the 100% natural, gravity-defying, giant-sized cantaloupes that God blessed her with.
 
 
 

July 7, 2004

We're on vacation this week and preparing for the TV shoot at Django, so there's not much time to post any news. But you really should see this.  It's a story about how many Hollywood celebrities are lying about their age, or trying to hide it.  Of course, that's not news.  But the new twist is that in some cases, they're actually trying to lock the barn door after the old gray mare has escaped by forcing their agents to try to have them removed from public forums such as the "Entertainment Tonight" daily celebrity birthday round-up.  That's a slick trick.  It's like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Eraser," except he only erases your birthday.

One of the most interesting quotes in the story comes from publicist Harlan Boll, who notes that male celebrities don't have this problem so much: "If they keep their hair, they pretty much have it made." (And if they don't keep their hair, they just have some new hair made.)  But as for women, "The American public doesn't really forgive people for getting older."

I think they may be selling the American public short.  It's not we who don't forgive women for getting older.  I believe most people are perfectly willing to spend time and money on good movies with interesting stories, dialogue and characters who happen to be older.   Look at the success of "Something's Gotta Give."  The problem is that not only are movies with intelligent scripts as rare as a starlet who'll tell her age, but Hollywood executives simply don't cast older actors because they assume the American public is as shallow as Hollywood executives are.  They should realize that outside of Hollywood, nobody is that shallow.  A wading pool with a hole in it isn't that shallow.

Oh well, back to vacation.  We're about to watch the DVD of "Calendar Girls"...
 
 
 

July 1, 2004

Pat ran up to Django last night to drop off posters, etc., and ran into an old acquaintance: Rick Vanderslice, with whom he worked years ago as a DJ on the old KMGC-"Magic 102.9."  Rick is a great guy who's now with The Oasis (Smooth Jazz), and they sponsor live jazz shows at Django on Wednesday nights.  We all worked together years ago on an unsold pilot for a live radio variety show we hoped to do from the Venetian Room of the Fairmont Hotel.  Pat hadn't seen Rick in years, and I'm looking forward to seeing him at the July 18 taping (hear that, Rick?  I've said it on the Internet, so you HAVE to be there now!)

And now, a few news items...

The world's oldest person, Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper of Hoogeveen, Holland, celebrated her 114th birthday Monday.  Asked her secret for a long life, she said that every day, she drinks a glass of orange juice and eats a herring (At the same time?  I'd rather die!)  I assume she never caught a disease because her breath keeps everyone far away.

I bet Dr. Perricone would say that if she'd just eaten a salmon every day, she'd not only have lived to 114, but she wouldn't look a day over 100.

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If you think that having just coffee for breakfast will keep you thin, a recent report on the drinks at Starbucks will give you a caffeine-shock wakeup call.  It turns out a lot of their beverages are quite fattening.  I don't know why it should come as a surprise that a drink filled with cream and sugar would be fattening, but apparently, it did for some people, who must be getting their Botox injected straight into their brains.  Anyway, it actually made national news that Starbucks' large Java Chip Frappuccino contains 650 calories, 50 more than a Big Mac.  So stop buying them to wash down Big Macs!

Oh well, at least with Starbucks, all the caffeine will make you burn off calories by twitching.

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Finally, a celebrity quote on the fear of aging from French actress Julie Delpy, who starred in one of my favorite movies, "Until Sunrise."  The New York Post reports that Delpy visited Transylvania to scout locations for a movie she wrote and will direct and star in.  The paper says it's about "Elizabeth Bathory, a 17th-century Hungarian countess who murdered 600 female virgins and bathed in their warm blood to keep herself forever young."

Delpy said she wouldn't go to such extremes herself because "Fear of aging is the least of my worries.  But I'm fascinated with people who are.  I'm scared of death, but not of aging."

She says that now, but considering she has to make a living as a movie actress, give her another ten years and she might start eying the arteries of a few virgins herself.
 
 

June 27, 2004

Pat and I just had a meeting with Teena, the manager of Django, and finally got some things settled about the July 18 TV taping.  The footage will be used for a special that will be running on DCTV/Comcast Cable.  We will perform the full show (albeit with camera people running around in the audience, and we might have to stop and redo a few things...such is TV).  It will be open to the public, with a $10 cover charge, but no buffet this time.  However, the bar and kitchen will both be open, so you can order food and adult beverages.  Just don't get too sloshed because audience reaction will be taped, and I'd prefer it if your reaction were not barfing.  You'll probably want to dress up a little, too, and use your Perricone anti-wrinkle cream, since you might end up on TV yourself.

There will be a lot of invited guests for this, and general seating will be limited, so if you want reservations, you'll have to call in quickly to 214-370-9917 and get on the list.  I will also be giving away some free tickets as a thank-you to supporters who've asked to be on my free, no-spam newsletter list.  If you want a chance at those, you'll need to drop me a line right away to subscribe at laura@lauraainsworth.com

We've also scheduled a regular Sunday buffet dinner show (with no TV cameras, unless you sneak them in yourself) on Sunday, Aug. 15, so wake the neighbors and mark your calendars!

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And now, a totally unrelated news story that I can't get over with a step ladder...

The California legislature is considering a controversial bill that would allow dental surgeons to perform any type of facial plastic surgery, including nose jobs, face lifts and eye tucks.  Plastic surgeons are fighting the bill, saying that dentists aren't qualified for this type of surgery and are only doing it for the money (unlike Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, who do it to beautify America.)   But oral surgeons reply that they have years of training in operating rooms and often perform plastic surgery in emergency rooms (How big a plastic surgery emergency would it have to be before I'd say, "Oh, what the heck, just let the dentist do it!")

I had no idea dentists were doing so much plastic surgery in California, until I realized they were probably doing all of Michael Jackson's work.
 
 

June 24, 2004

Sorry these entries have been coming slowly recently, but I've been very busy working on the upcoming TV taping (which now looks locked down for July 18 at Django.)  In the meantime, here are a few interesting news items to mull over...

There may soon be a new diet for "Extreme Makeover" participants: Las Ultimas Noticias reports that Aguaje, a yellow-and-brown, egg-sized tropical fruit from the Amazon jungle, has become popular with women in Peru who say it's filled with hormones and is not only an aphrodisiac, but eating it for a few months helps them develop voluptuous curves (apparently, it's even better than taking two cantaloupes and putting them in your bra).  One model said if she doesn't eat Aguaje, she has to go to the gym, and "I could eat 25 a day."   (25 a day?!  If she stopped, she'd have to go to the Dow silicone factory!)

Sounds as if in Peru, all the women eat Aguaje and all the men have bananas in their pockets.  Oh well, at least maybe this will finally make Americans care if they cut down the Amazon rain forest!

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Mary-Kate Olsen has entered a treatment facility for an "eating-related" issue.  Reliable sources say it's anorexia.  Guess she thought she was too fat to be a movie actress, when in reality, she's just too old.  All joking aside, I wish her a full recovery, of course; but it is worth noting that only in our looks-obsessed society could a teenage girl have a billion dollars and the ability to get a table in any  restaurant and still manage to starve to death.

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A new era in space travel dawned Monday in the Mojave Desert as the first "people's astronaut," civilian pilot Mike Melvill successfully flew the first privately-built aircraft into suborbital space.  The reason I'm mentioning this is that Mr. Melvill is 63 years old, which means that while he's still sharp enough to pilot an experiment craft on a death-defying ride into space and back safely, he could not get a job as a commercial airline pilot because he's beyond the mandatory retirement age.

He and designer Burt Rutan appeared on "The Tonight Show" this week, and Jay Leno asked Rutan why he picked a 63-year-old pilot for such a difficult, dangerous and historic flight.  Rutan said it was because he was the best-qualified person he could possibly imagine getting.  Wow, there's a novelty!  He didn't even stop to consider whether his wrinkles might impact sales of souvenir T-shirts to teenagers!

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Our final news item is from the beauty front:  According to a survey by Wilkinson razors, British women are the least hairy in Europe, while German women are the hairiest.  More than 93 percent of British women say they shave before wearing skirts and shorts for the summer, compared with just 40 percent of German women.  French and Italian women were in the middle, but more shaved than not (unless you count underarms; then all bets are off.)

Funny, you'd think the "hairiest woman" competition would be the one arena in which France could beat Germany.  (My husband wrote that joke, so send your hate mail in French to him.)
 
 
 

June 17, 2004

We're very busy preparing for the TV shoot coming up at Django.  If you'd like a chance to be in the audience and maybe get on TV yourself, some free tickets will be available to my newsletter subscribers.  Just drop me an email to get on the list.

Tonight, Pat and I went to the Palm restaurant in the West End for a Dallas Press Club party to celebrate last month's Gridiron Show.  It was fun seeing everyone again (plus getting free wine and shrimp).  We won three Lucifer Awards, which are tongue-in-cheek trophies for the "thespians" in the show.  Joycelyn White presented me with the "Best Female Singer" trophy, which was one of the more meaningful awards (Pat put that one on the mantle when we got home).  Legendary local satirist and singer/songwriter Lu Mitchell was there as well, and it was great to see her again.  She came to my last show at Django, and she'll be appearing next Wednesday, June 23, at the Pocket Sandwich Theater on Mockingbird.  You should definitely check her out.

And now, on to the age and beauty news...
 

Procter & Gamble just released data on a promising new testosterone patch to treat sexual dysfunction in menopausal and post-menopausal women.  They say that in a test of 533 menopausal women, those using the Intrinsa patch reported a 51 percent increase in frequency of "satisfying sexual activity," and a 49 percent increase in sexual desire.  (What an odd number...Did it feel like only 48 percent at first, but inch up to 49 percent after foreplay?)  Anyway, between this and Viagra, everyone will want to retire at 50 just so they can have constant sex.

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George Bush may have skydived at 80, but Frank Moody of Holloways Beach, Australia, has him beat.  Moody is claiming a new world record for world's oldest skydiver, after he made the leap at age 101.  He jumped from 9,900 feet in tandem with an experienced diver (it wasn't George Bush, was it?)  His friends at a local football club said Moody is very "switched on, witty and charming," and they arranged the dive after he said he wanted to go for the record.  One called it "a bit of a drunken dare" and said she nearly fell off her chair when he agreed to it.  Something tells me he and his drinking buddies fall off their chairs a lot.

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A study by Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis found that liposuction does nothing to lower the health risks of obesity.  (I'll take a slight pause while fans of plastic surgery say, "So what?")   Unlike weight loss through diet and exercise, liposuction did nothing to change cholesterol levels, blood pressure or insulin sensitivity involved in diabetes.  It doesn't lower your cholesterol count, just your bank account.  A researcher said that the surgical sucking of fat from the abdomen might make you look better, but it won't make you any healthier.

Boy, that sucks.  Oh well, at least you'll look healthier, and that's what really matters.
 
 
 

June 14, 2004

Sorry it's been so long since the last update, but my husband Pat, who is the webmaster for this site, was stuck on jury duty for a week and between the trial and the Comedy Wire, he had only about two hours sleep a night and no free time.  But that's all past us, thank goodness, so let's catch up on last week's news about aging and beauty...

A Harvard Medical School study in the journal Nature suggests that the brain really does start aging at 40.  They studied people age 26 to 106 and found a set of genes in the brain that play key roles in many cell functions such as learning and memory.  The genes show reduced activity after 40, and the brain starts slowing down.  But they admit that signs of "old age" vary widely among individuals, and "one of the major conundrums of biology" is when aging begins and what triggers its onset.  This is especially confusing to scientists over 40.  Personally, I suspect that what triggers the onset of old age is the moment when your own kids become teenagers.

A separate study on aging and the brain by York University in Toronto found that people who've been bilingual from an early age suffer less mental decline from aging than people who speak only one language.  They can forget an entire language and still be on par with everyone else.

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The producers of ABC's "Extreme Makeover" are being sued for $10 million by a Los Angeles woman who claims it was her idea (that's right, she actually wants the blame for this trend).  She says she pitched the concept to them first and they rejected it, then stole it.  (But then, they changed everything about it.)  And they had such honest faces!

I don't see how she's going to prove her claim.   The idea of getting excessive plastic surgery could have come from any woman in Los Angeles.

************************************************************

The Wireless Flash reports that Dr. Anthony Griffin, who made quite the name for himself by performing the first Brazilian Butt Lift on "Extreme Makeover," has created a new plastic surgery procedure for men: the Six-Pack Tummy Tuck.  Regular tucks pull the skin down like a roller shade, but after sucking out the fat, Griffin rolls the skin up on the sides like a fitted shirt and sews the abdominal muscles together to bring them forward like a pumped-up six pack.  He says it looks like you've done 1,000 sit-ups (you could just do 1,000 sit-ups, but let's not go overboard).  But it's mostly requested by women who've had children, not by men, possibly because it costs up to $15,000 (and men know how many real six-packs they could buy for that).

One word of caution: if a woman has this done, she'd better not get pregnant again.

************************************************************

Here's a story very close to my heart:  Alex Kingston, who has played surgeon Elizabeth Corday on "ER" for seven years, said the producers told her she's being written out because she's too old.  She's a creaky and decrepit 41, and the producers want to focus on the cast members in their 20s.  Kingston said it's fine to bring in young people to keep the show fresh, but they need authority figures, too, and she felt like part of the geriatric "old fogeys who are no longer interesting."  She also noted that new, young cast members aren't paid as much, which may be a factor (the younger cast members were hired away from Burger King for minimum wage).  Kingston said she doesn't know how she'll be written out.  Although I suspect they'll have her fall and break a hip.  Or possibly go in for a facelift and die on the operating table.

What's next?  Will NBC replace the cast of "Law & Order" with the Rug Rats?  Better shut up before I give them ideas...

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And finally, let's close out with a celebrity quote:

June 3, 2004

Have you seen the new commercial for Botox?  It shows a bridal bouquet being tossed and caught, as the female announcer says, "Can you think of a better reason for Botox Cosmetic?"  It's not clear whether the reason they mean is to look good for your wedding or to fool some guy into thinking you're ten years younger so he'll marry you.  But then, it's always hard to determine the intentions of the Botox people.  Talk about poker faces.

I noticed this hilarious headline on the cover of Seventeen magazine while waiting in a checkout line (I'm quoting from memory, so this may not be exact, but it's close): "435 Ways To Get That Natural Beauty Look!"  This probably involves 435 separate chemical compounds, but if it can give a 17-year-old girl that naturally youthful look, who am I to argue?

Finally, here's a story that first appeared in the New York Post's Page Six, then Entertainment Tonight picked it up.  Several fancy-shmancy Beverly Hills stores are under fire for size discrimination for their shoddy treatment of Marissa Winokur, the size-12, Tony Award-winning star of the Broadway musical, "Hairspray."  In a scene right out of "Pretty Woman" (except this was more like "Not Pretty Enough Woman"), she went shopping on Rodeo Drive for a gown to wear on Sunday's Tony Awards telecast and was repeatedly insulted by snooty clerks.  At Gucci, a clerk sneered, "Your boobs won't fit in that dress," which Winokur said they never would've told Jessica Simpson (even though Jessica's boobs don't fit into any of her dresses).  By the time she got to Neiman's, she said she was nearly in tears, but they ignored her, even though the store was nearly empty (gee, I wonder why?)  When she found a dress she liked, a clerk snapped at her to put it down before she ruined it.

Winokur said she was ready to spend $10,000 on a gown, but nobody would wait on her.  At last, she called her old friend (and isn't it nice to have friends like this?), Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who called several top designers, who immediately flew gowns to her from Italy.  Of course, they're all size 2, but she still has four days to get liposuction.

To be fair to these stores, it's possible they didn't shun her because she was a size 12.  They might've treated her like garbage because she only had $10,000 to spend.  When you walk into a Rodeo Drive store with $10,000, they tell you to go to Wal-Mart.  But then, if she'd gone to Wal-Mart, they probably would've told her, "Get your skinny butt outta here!"
 
 
 

June 1, 2004

Evian sponsored a survey of beauty editors, makeup artists, photographers and model agencies to choose the 100 most naturally-beautiful women of all time, and Audrey Hepburn was #1.  The idea was to choose women who most embody healthy living and natural beauty, with a glow that comes from both personality and complexion.  That sounds like Audrey Hepburn, all right (plus she's the most beautiful by modern standards because she was the skinniest woman of all time), but the rest of the top 100 will probably set off a million fierce arguments.

The judges seem to have rather short memories (aside from #86 Cleopatra -- they must've asked Hugh Hefner what she looked like), so the results were stacked in favor of current actresses, singers and models at the expense of some of the great classic beauties who were less surgically-enhanced.  For instance, Audrey Hepburn was followed by Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett and Angelina Jolie, with the stunningly perfect Grace Kelly trailing at #5.  Madonna (19), J-Lo (26), Julia Roberts (28) and that paragon of healthy living, Kate Moss (13), were all far ahead of Ingrid Bergman (65), Catherine Deneuve (76) and Rita Hayworth (88).  If only Ingrid had gotten a nose job and breast implants, she could have been the most naturally-beautiful woman of all time!  And such obvious contenders as Gene Tierney, Louise Brooks and Carole Lombard didn't make the list at all, even though, for some reason, Marilyn Monroe is listed twice, at 27 and 36.  Maybe they let the models do the math.

Looking over this list, I get the impression that to today's celebrities, "natural beauty" means your plastic surgeon is so good, it looks really natural.

********************************************************************

Here's some depressing news:  Energizer has hired '80s rocker Pat Benatar to promote their hearing aid batteries.  Benatar doesn't use a hearing aid (Pete Townshend might have been a better choice), but Energizer thinks she's the perfect celebrity to reach what they see as a huge growth market among Baby Boomers who've spent years listening to too much loud music (and considering the volume of the music many of them have listened to, I'm amazed they didn't lose their hearing by 1977).   It's an odd sales pitch: "You can trust me to recommend the best hearing aid batteries because I helped make you deaf in the first place!"

In Energizer's brochure, Benatar is quoted as saying, "From Aerosmith to the Rolling Stones, our music defines us, but all those years of rockin' are beginning to take a toll."  The campaign is called "It's Hip To Hear."  Unless, of course, you're listening to Pat Benatar records.

On the bright side, at least you can remove the batteries from your hearing aid when your kids start playing rap music.
 
 
 

May 31, 2004

Happy Memorial Day to all!  I'm taking a break from arranging our next show (and trying to get our backyard and house ready for a big dinner party next week) to catch you up on the news.
 

In a delicious irony, John Rezak, 56, who was an editor for Playboy for over 30 years, passing judgments on the bodies of all those barely-legal Bunnies, is now suing the magazine for age discrimination.  He was let go for what Playboy called "a difference in sensibility and a duplication of skill sets."  Rezak claims they actually canned him because they thought bringing in a younger staff would attract younger readers.

Or so he was told by Hugh Hefner, age 76.  (Hugh keeps his own staff ever young, thanks to Viagra.)

Mr. Rezak is just lucky he's not a Playboy model, or he would've been forcibly retired 35 years ago.

***********************************************************

Jody Gorran of Delray Beach, Florida, is suing the estate of Dr. Robert Atkins for $28,000, claiming that the Atkins Diet raised his cholesterol so much, he needed a medical procedure to unclog his arteries.  His favorite foods were cheese every day and cheesecake three times a week, and apparently, it never occurred to him that this could be bad for your health (he should claim that the Atkins diet causes brain damage, too).  He's also demanding that Atkins put warning labels on their products.  That's one I agree with: "Warning: This product is incredibly overpriced!"

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Speaking of healthy diets, last Thursday, Hermann Dornemann, the oldest man in Germany, celebrated his 111th birthday and credited his longevity to drinking lots of beer, drinking the water he boils his potatoes in, and avoiding all exercise.  He's 111, but he's had such a good time, his life actually seemed much shorter.

************************************************************

A study by the AARP debunks the idea that divorces over 40 are mostly men dumping their wives for a younger woman.  A survey of 1,147 people who got divorces in their 40s, 50s or 60s found that two-thirds were initiated by wives.  It found that women over 40 were more aware of problems in their marriages and less hesitant than in the past to leave an unbearable marriage.  In contrast, over a quarter of the men said they "never saw it coming."  They were probably too busy sleeping with younger women to see anything coming.

Judging from the tabloids, I assumed that most divorces over 40 were women dumping their husbands for Ashton Kutcher.
 
 
 
 

May 26, 2004

Thanks to everyone who came out to our show last Sunday at Django!  My husband Pat said he thought it was the best show we've ever done (and he's seen them all), and I think I agree.  The audience was great, the sound balance was perfect, nobody dropped any pans of forks in the kitchen... Heaven!

We'll be returning to Django very soon, and it's likely the next show will be an invitation-only taping of a cable TV special.  For a chance to attend, just drop me a line to subscribe to my free newsletter.  We'll give away some seats to subscribers on a first come-first served basis, so get on the list now and join my new "Don't tell your age" campaign.   Remember, when someone asks how old you are, just say, "Gee, I can't remember...How much do you weigh?"
 

And now, let's catch up on the news...

Scientists at Johns Hopkins medical school in Baltimore report that bad hair days are genetic.  Mice that lacked the Fz6 gene developed weird whorls and tufts of hair that looked normal under the microscope, suggesting that the problem wasn't the hair root but the skin cells around it.  This means bad hair may be more the fault of your parents than the wind or sleeping on it wrong.  So don't blame the wind if your hair really blows.  Just blame your parents, the same way you blame them for your nose and your saddlebags.

On the plus side, if your parents cursed you with really bad hair, maybe you'll luck out and inherit the baldness gene, too.

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The Heilongjiang Morning Post of China reports that Jian Feng was horrified when his wife gave birth to an ugly baby daughter.  He suspected her of cheating until she confessed that before their whirlwind romance and marriage, she'd had $127,000 worth of plastic surgery in South Korea.  She showed him a picture of how she used to look.  He promptly divorced her and successfully sued her for $99,000 for deceit.  He must figure that's how much he'll have to spend on his daughter's plastic surgery.

The story doesn't say whether this guy is a natural beauty himself, which I somehow doubt.  But it does bring up an interesting point: what will the kids of all these surgically-altered beauties from TV reality shows think when they get old enough to compare their perfectly-sculpted parents' features to their own?  They may wonder why mom looks like "The Swan" while they resemble an ostrich.   And remember when the two "Extreme Makeover" subjects got married?  Their kids may look like Bigfoot!  The show may have to add an extra platoon of surgeons to deal with the consequences of all this meddling with nature.

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Speaking of "The Swan," the finale was Monday night.  Rachel Love Fraser, a 27-year-old construction company clerk from Sammamish, Washington, was crowned "The Swan."  This proved that her plastic surgeons were better than the other women's plastic surgeons, but then, don't all beauty contests prove that?  Fox announced that all the contestants combined had received a total of $3 million worth of plastic surgery, or roughly a year's supply for Joan Rivers.

The oddest moment in a night of surreal moments came when the host told Fraser that if she could not fulfill her obligations, the first runner-up would take her place.  What exactly are her "obligations?"  Making personal appearances at the Dow Corning plant?

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Attention, all you purchasers of every new skin potion: Las Ultimas Noticias reports that Dr. Fernando Bascunan of Chile has developed a skin cream that really slows down aging because it's made from snail extract.  He's exporting 20,000 bottles of Elicina Cream to the US every month, and about to export it to other nations.  It was inspired by snail handlers who noticed how quickly their cuts healed with no scars. He said snails have a natural cell regenerator in their slime, and the cream is perfect for after shaving, to heal abrasions and keep your skin looking perfect.   Just don't expect it to work fast.

Of course, lawyers don't need it because they generate their own slime.  Ba-dum-bum!

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If you are already salivating at the idea of smearing snail slime on your face, perhaps you need to turn on Showtime and check out Penn & Teller's "Bulls**t," which recently focused on the anti-aging industry in an episode titled "Fountain of Youth."

On the Penn & Teller website, they describe the episode like this:

"The good news: we're living longer.  The bad news: the older we get, the more we're made to feel that there's something wrong with that, and so we make futile efforts to turn back the clock.  From nutty diets to expensive facial creams that don't do anything.  And if you're over 40, you're probably lining up for your Botox injections or extensive plastic surgery.  But beware all of the "medical" claims to extend your life 'cause they're mostly bulls**t.  Here's the bottom line.  Wrinkles are inevitable.  Get used to it."

A bit blunt, perhaps, but certainly to the point, as always.  Pat and I had dinner with Penn Jillette a few years back, and I can assure you, it's not something you want to do if you're easily embarrassed by what the people at the next table overhear.  Fortunately, we're not, and it was one of our more memorable evenings.

To see a clip from the show (about the woman who got 42 operations to look like Barbie -- see below, the May 4 entry), click here.

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Finally, NBC is planning yet another eight-episode "makeover" series in which plus-size contestants compete against each other to see who can lose the most weight without any surgery or liposuction.  It will be called (I kid you not) "The Biggest Loser."  That could be the name of virtually any reality show.

If you actually spend eight hours of your life watching this, take a wild guess who the biggest loser is.
 
 
 

May 20, 2004

Pat and I were both very saddened by the passing of Tony Randall, one of our all-time favorite comic actors.  Pat was especially moved because he had the honor of working with Mr. Randall in the 1980s.  He wrote a tribute that we sent to our Comedy Wire clients, and I thought I'd share it with you.  Just click here to read it.

For my part, I'll point out that he was definitely someone who never let age stop him from doing anything, from remarrying after the death of his wife of 54 years and starting a new family to taking on new professional challenges.  He started the National Actors Theater when he was 71, and took up rollerblading at 79!  We saw him in "The Sunshine Boys" with Jack Klugman in Ft. Worth just last year (absolutely hilarious), and he was performing in Pirandello's play "Right You Are" a month before he entered the hospital for the last time.  In one obituary, he was quoted as saying, "The most amazing, wonderful things in my life have happened since I was 70.  I think that's unique."

It probably is unique, but if we look to Tony Randall for inspiration, maybe it can be true for all of us.

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As long as we're quoting celebrities, here's a great line from Dolly Parton, who appeared on Ellen DeGeneres' show Wednesday.  Ellen asked her how she stays looking so great at 58.  Dolly replied:

"Well, it ain't cheap!  A lot of good doctors, a lot of good makeup...I'm a cartoon, so it's easy.  I'll probably look this way when I'm 100."

And you know...I bet she will!

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Speaking of plastic surgery, there's a new controversy brewing over Fox's "The Swan."   TheSmokingGun.com reports that Dr. Lynn Ianni, the therapist who counsels the contestants, is accused of having gotten her Ph.D. from a diploma mill.  If you read the entire story, she does have a lot of education and experience, but this one degree seems to be the result of an Extreme Makeover on her resume.  Let's hope the show's plastic surgeons got their training at actual medical schools and not at Fun Ed.

This week's Entertainment Weekly has a good observation about "The Swan."  They describe it as a show where women with terrible self-images are given both therapy and extensive plastic surgery, then half of them are told that they still aren't pretty enough to be in a beauty contest.

That  should undo all the therapy pretty quickly!

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If I suggested you get a "butt facial," would you think I was...

A.  Calling you a butt head?

B.  Making a gross sexual proposition?

C.  Recommending the latest beauty treatment?

The answer, of course, is C.  In the past week or so, I've come across two articles referring to "butt facials," which appears to be the charming new term for microdermabrasion performed on the buttocks.  Or to put it more bluntly, "sandblasting your heiney."   It supposedly gives you a smoother, firmer, tighter tuchus.  But according to this article by New York Post writer Barbara Hoffman, who got one herself, it also makes your butt feel just like it's been attacked by an angry cat.  So if you have a cat, you might be able to save a little money by letting it do the job.

Come to think of it, maybe your butt looks firmer because of all the exercise you'll get walking around when your butt is too sore to sit down.

In case you still think I'm making this stuff up, here's another story that not only mentions butt facials, it also discusses "MyPetFat."  This is a jar of fake lard (in one ounce, one pound and five pound sizes) that you can carry around with you, look at and get disgusted by, to help inspire you to lose weight.  As if you're not carrying around enough actual fat already!  The inventor says that for some reason, it's selling big in South Africa.  Maybe they think it's edible.

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"More" magazine is holding its annual 40+ model search, if anyone is interested in entering.  The deadline is May 24, so better hurry.  You can apply online here.

I'm torn when it comes to More magazine.  I love the idea of a magazine for women built on the premise that age doesn't matter.  On the other hand, More plainly declares that it's for women over 40 (that's "FORTY YEARS OLD!!") and scrupulously reveals the age of every woman they profile.  After all, how could you know how little her age matters if you don't know exactly what it is?  Seems to me this concept needs a little rethinking.  Still, that quibble aside, I love More magazine.  If they'd just stop giving everyone's age, they'd be perfect.

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"Troy" was the #1 movie at the box office last weekend, earning $45.6 million, but that's under the $50 million debut expected of a $200 million blockbuster.  One of the excuses given is that some critics complained the actress playing Helen of Troy wasn't beautiful enough.  You've probably noticed that today, with plastic surgery, liposuction and PhotoShop, no  woman is beautiful enough.

Slate.com reports that the producers had a hard time casting the role because everyone had to agree she was the world's most beautiful woman and therefore worth going to war over (I guess they've never seen guys on "Jerry Springer" go to war over a woman with biker
tattoos and no teeth).  I don't know why they even bothered because no woman they found could possibly be prettier than Brad Pitt.

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I'll leave you with another quote, this one from a funny young stand-up comic who made his first appearance on "The Tonight Show" last night.  His name was Daniel Tosh, and one of his lines struck me as particularly good:

"Plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance match your inner appearance: fake."
 
 
 

May 17, 2004

Thanks to everyone who came out to see the Dallas Press Club Gridiron Show on Saturday night!  Pat and I had a lot of fun doing it, but we're both absolutely exhausted and sleep-deprived, so I haven't had much time or energy to update this blog.  I promise, I'll have more stuff up soon.

If you haven't subscribed to my free newsletter yet, you should know that the Gridiron Show audience included a subsciber who won two free tickets (a $60 value!) just by being the first person to write back and ask.  And someone else who got two free tickets from us entered a raffle there and won free airfare on American Airlines to anywhere in the Western Hemisphere!  See how lucky you become when you subscribe to my newsletter?  What the heck are you waiting for?!  Another exciting offer is in the works right now!

The winner of the free newsletter tickets sat right behind Mayor Laura Miller, and she assures me that Mayor Miller laughed heartily during the song I wrote and sang, which is quite a relief.  The idea of the Gridiron Show is that local media people sing parody songs making fun of current events and the politicians in the audience.  For instance, Channel 8's Bret Shipp sang "The Night That Bolton Cried" ("The Night Chicago Died"), and Fox 4's Jeff Crilley donned a hilarious wig - actually a fake beard on his head - to play Donald Trump in an "Apprentice" sketch and fire the Dallas police chief.

My song was set to the tune of "Johnny Angel" by Shelly Fabares, and accompanied by dreamy background vocals by four female Press Clubbers dubbed "The Millerettes."  I can't get it out of my head, and it went over so well, I wish I could sing it again somewhere.  At least, I can share the lyrics with you here, and you can sing it yourself:
 

"Laura Miller,
She's our mayor,
She got elected as the pothole queen.
But the potholes still are just as big
As we've ever seen.

Laura Miller, a non-smoker,
And now, Dallas has a smoking ban.
If you smoke, you've gotta understand
Her master plan.

Laura Miller
Wants to clean up the streets.
The homeless must retreat!
The sidewalks must look neat!
All dispensers for newspapers must go.
Such thinking should unnerve her.
She worked for the Observer.

Laura Miller,
We still love her,
And we think her wardrobe is a dream.
She could be the product of an 'Extreme
Makeover' team.

Laura Miller
Has no budget to do
The things she'd like to do!
She's limited, it's true!
It must kill her
As she faces the truth:
The founders in their wisdom
Gave us a weak mayor system.

Laura Miller,
She's our mayor!
And she's taking us on quite a trip!
She wants Dallas to become a hip
Dictatorshiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!"
 

As I said, I was told that Mayor Miller laughed at this, so I assume she was not offended, as we have yet to be arrested, audited or have our property taxes raised.  Then again, it's only Monday morning, and City Hall has yet to open.   I'll keep you posted.

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And now, back to the regular business of this blog, mocking the fixation on age and looks... at least for one story before I go pass out asleep.

The cover story of this week's TV Guide is called "Makeover Madness," it's a look at all the plastic surgery shows, and the cover shot is a hot-looking picture of Britney Spears, with an itemized list of all the plastic surgery you mere mortals would have to get to look like her. Like Britney herself, some of the prices seem a bit over-inflated.  The whole package totals up to $75,000!

I don't know, judging by this recent tabloid picture (allegedly) of Britney, that doesn't seem like much of a bargain.  It looks as if Britney herself achieved this look by spending $70,000 on plastic surgery and $5,000 on cheeseburgers.  And 39 cents on a bathing suit.   This should show you how ridiculous it is to try to use surgery to make an actual human look like an impossible image that is professionally made-up, teased, lighted and PhotoShopped and doesn't even exist in real life.

And besides, when you have Britney's singing talent, what difference do looks make?

Okay, now I know I'm so exhausted, I must be punchy.   Goodnight...
 
 
 

May 12, 2004

Another celebrity quote, courtesy of "Jimmy Kimmel Live."  He had a clip of Cameron Diaz giving an interview to ABC in which she unloaded a major rant against "Extreme Makeover" and similar plastic surgery shows.   She said it appalls and disgusts her that there are shows that actually depict women being cut open, and that there are people who watch them.  Referring to the participants who care so much about looks over substance, she said, "Those people to me are sick in their heads, they have a mental problem."

Jimmy Kimmel responded, "Which is why she's dating Justin Timberlake."

While I certainly appreciate the sentiment (and God knows, some of the ones on "The Swan" do need the free therapy even more than the free cosmetic dental work), it's probably a bit tough for the women who appear on "The Swan" or "Extreme Makeover" to be told that they are too fixated on their looks by CAMERON FREAKIN' DIAZ!

In "Shrek," she plays a beautiful princess who happily transforms into a fat ogre so she can marry a really ugly guy with a good heart instead of a wealthy prince.  This is basically the opposite concept of "Extreme Makeover."  Maybe she could launch a show like that and see how many women who look like her sign up for it.
 
 

May 11, 2004

Not much in the news today (and due to Gridiron Show rehearsals, I missed that two-hour edition of "The Swan" -- Damn, how much sacrifice must I make forr my art?!!), but here's a good celebrity quote from actor Mark Ruffalo, currently appearing in "13 Going On 30," the movie about a woman who wishes she were 17 years older, which is how you can tell it's a fantasy:

Nice to hear that somebody else was worried his ship had sailed, even though he was worrying about it at a ridiculously young age.  But that's when actors start doing that, which is why they drop out of high school to become successful, and later inflict their painfully uninformed opinions about foreign policy on the world.
 

Ellen DeGeneres devoted her Monday TV monologue to the subject of aging, with lots of funny observations about how she's suddenly developing more interest in all the commercials for vaguely-defined new prescription drugs and thinking that there should be an age limit on sitting in bean bag chairs.  She noted that you know you are getting older the very first time you find yourself switching the radio dial to any station that advertises "Smooth Rock."   I don't know if that applies to me, though, since I've been listening to Ella Fitzgerald since I was five.   But I do agree with Ellen's declaration that she may be aging, "but I refuse to get old!"
 

Finally, on a slow news day, let's take a moment to remember Estee Lauder, who recently passed away after a long life as both a shrewd and successful businesswoman and a gal with a mission to give makeovers.  Here's a nice appreciation of her by New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser.
 
 

May 8, 2004

I always love a good celebrity quote about aging, since women in show business are in the front lines of the battle against ageism.  Some people think I'm overreacting when I talk about age bias in employment and sing my song "When Was I Born?" (about trying to conceal your age on your resume).  But check out what "Saturday Night Live" head writer and star Tina Fey had to say last week in "Entertainment Weekly."

Tina has a shelf full of Emmys, her movie "Mean Girls" is #1 at the box office, and she's on every talk show and magazine cover.  But when asked if she would leave "SNL" to try her own show, here's what she replied:

"I don't know.  There's more longevity in writing than there is in acting.  But there's prejudice against older writers, too.  So I've got to save my money."

As magazines always helpfully do, EW told us Tina's age: 33.  Believe it or not, that's actually considered an "older writer" in TV comedy circles.  Any older than that, and the teenagers running the studios think that all you can write is Gerald Ford jokes -- or they would, if they'd ever heard of Gerald Ford.  When you are 33, you are reaching the upper limits of where the TV industry considers you capable of being funny before senility sets in, so Tina Fey actually has to worry about her job security.

Thank God I'm a radio comedy writer!

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One of my suggested ways to fight back against the way society tries to put you in a box due to your age is to encourage people to refuse to tell their age.  (If you never check the age group box, they can't put you in the box!)  Newspapers and magazines insist on putting your age right after your name, because it's so vitally important - otherwise, how would readers know what to think about you?  (Even More magazine, which I love and which was founded for the express purpose of proving that age is immaterial and shouldn't limit women's ambitions in any way, always includes the age of every woman they mention -- I guess so you can appreciate how immaterial it is.)  I tell people that if they are ever interviewed by a reporter who asks their age, they should refuse to answer and say, "My age is not the point of this story!"  Unless it's a story about how you're now the world's oldest person.

Well, maybe I'm finally having some impact.  I refused to give my age when I was interviewed by Michael Precker of the Dallas Morning News' Texas Living section, and he made quite a big deal about it (you can read the article here).  But on Thursday, May 6, the Texas Living section featured profiles by writer Tracy Anchor Hayes of five prominent women who refuse to dye their gray hair...but more importantly to me, none of the profiles gave the women's ages! (Aside from that, it's also a wonderful article, so be sure to look it up at www.DallasNews.com -- sorry I can't link directly to it, but you have to register to access it.)

Maybe the tide is finally starting to turn, and we can at last eradicate this particular little remnant of journalistic ageism.  It's just too bad that it comes too late to help poor, decrepit, 33-year-old Tina Fey.
 
 
 

May 4, 2004

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post, but Pat and I are both swamped between writing the Comedy Wire, promoting "My Ship," and writing and rehearsing for the Dallas Press Club's Gridiron Show on May 15.  Also, my Saturday appearance at the Mystic Note Cafe, the monthly cabaret evening held at the Center for Spiritual Living on Midway Road, went great and all the music that night was wonderful.  I'd like the thank the terrific audience there, and especially the music director, Michael Gott, a brilliant pianist/vocalist who performs most nights at the Mansion Bar in Turtle Creek.  If you'd like to enjoy the closest thing Dallas has to an elegant romantic evening at the Algonquin Bar, canoodling to the classic music of Bobby Short, then you must drop by the Mansion Bar and hear Michael.

Not much in the news today, but here's a story I just had to share with you:

Thanks to the advent of extreme plastic surgery, there's now a real-life Ken and Barbie.  Cindy Jackson, an American living in Britain, was already in the Guinness Book of Records as the most surgically-enhanced woman in the world (and you thought it was Pamela Anderson!), having had 42 operations to become a replica of her heroine, Barbie, complete with button nose, blond hair, big (100% plastic) boobs and dazzling white smile.  (Say, this does sound like Pamela Anderson.)

Then Miles Kendall of Stoke, England, who always wanted to look like Barbie's boytoy Ken, saw Cindy on TV and contacted her to ask if he could be the male version of her.  After being assured that he was not a stalker or mentally deranged but simply a perfectly normal, mentally healthy man who wanted to surgically transform himself into a fashion doll, she agreed.  Miles spent $50,000 on 47 procedures to nip, chisel and implant himself into an exact replica of Ken.  The story notes that like the miniature Ken and Barbie, Cindy and Miles are not romantically involved.  (Not since Miles had that operation to remove his genitals, anyway).

When you think about it, this really isn't as weird as it seems.  Judging by "Extreme Makeover," "The Swan," et al, the entire aim of modern plastic surgery seems to be to turn us all  into Ken and Barbie.  At least these people freely admit it.
 

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If you'd like to share a news story or your own thoughts and observations about the pressure society puts on us all to "keep young and beautiful"or else, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com.

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