April 30, 2004

One of the showbiz gossip websites reports that Kim Basinger is planning to "shock" audiences by doing a fully nude sex scene in her next movie at age...brace yourselves...50!  And her leading man is a teenager (some would say a darn lucky one).  Lest you fear that you might have to avert your eyes from this terrifying spectacle, the story reassures us that Kim's "still got the body of a young woman in her prime."  Well, not really: it's much better than Gwyneth Paltrow's.

When you think about it, what's so unusual about an older actress in Hollywood having a young body?  Some of them have a face that's only two years old, boobs that are just a year old, etc.  Have you heard of something being less than the sum of its parts?  That describes most actresses in Hollywood who are over 50.   They're 50, and the sum of their parts is only about 27.
 

Columnist Deb Saunders takes a swipe at "The Swan" here that you might find interesting.  It also contains a reference to a group I hadn't heard of, About-Face.org.  They're a San Francisco-based group that blows the whistle on people in the media who promote unrealistic body images for women.  They don't denounce all cosmetic surgery, they just frown on extreme surgical overhauls to achieve a rigid standard of beauty and suggest that you can make improvements to your looks in a much healthier manner through changes in diet and exercise.  They sound like a group I could find common ground with, although I prefer not to frown on anything, since it causes wrinkles.
 

Here's a charmingly old-fashioned story:  A graphic talk about the horrors of facial reconstruction surgery by the survivor of a DWI crash had some unexpected results at a Chicago high school when students began passing out.  "They were dropping like flies in the gym," said Konrad Diebold, president of St. Patrick HS and a man who certainly has a way with words. "I saw one of them throwing up in a bucket."   Seven had to be rushed to a hospital (no doubt in dangerous, speeding cars.)

It's nice to hear that in this modern age, when they show the most grisly plastic surgery procedures on primetime network TV during the dinner hour, some high school students remain so unjaded that a simple description of facial surgery can send them running for the heave bucket.  There's hope for this young generation yet, by cracky!
 

Finally today, one of our periodic quotes on age from a Hollywood star.  This one comes from Isabella Rossellini, who told Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show that she didn't begin modeling until she was 28.  She said she had no idea models were supposed to be so young, and that was just when she was first asked, so she did it.  People liked her looks so much, she worked constantly, appeared on the cover of Vogue four times, and became the face of Lancome.

And then, one fateful day, someone finally asked her age.  She told them she was 30.  This prompted the panicked response, "30?!  You can't be a model at 30!  Models retire at 26!"  But she said nobody had ever told her that, and until that point, nobody had ever asked her age.

You just can't help but feel sorry for all those fashion magazines, paying her so much money because of her fantastic looks, unmatched charisma and bewitching personality, never realizing that they were throwing it all away on an old hag of 30 that nobody could possibly be interested in.

Thank God she finally told them her age!  What if they'd still been hiring her at 35?  The world as we know it might have imploded!  The world of fashion magazines, anyway.

This is why I am launching my new crusade, which I've begun working into the show.  I'm encouraging everyone to refuse to tell their age!  People only want to know it so they can put you in a box and decide what to think about you based on it, so make it as hard as possible for them.  If anyone asks your age, just say, "I don't tell my age, but why don't you tell me your weight?"  That should stop the conversation in its tracks.
 
 
 

April 29, 2004

If the posts here are sporadic for awhile, it's because we're in intensive rehearsals for the Dallas Press Club Gridiron Show on May 15, so spare time is as hard to find as an "American Idol" contestant with perfect pitch.  But here are a couple of items to keep you entertained...
 

Here's a heartening story about how some clothing chains such as Chico's are doing a brisk business by realizing that women between 30 and 60 actually buy clothing and don't want to look like either Britney Spears or Granny Clampett.  Sample inspirational quote, from a woman in Long Island:

“It’s either young or old.  Everything in between, you’re stuck fending for yourself.  It’s hard to find trendy, age-appropriate clothes.  I would love to sit all these designers down and slap them across the face and say, 'What the @#$%!! are you thinking?'”

I even have a song ("The Simple Joys of Maidenhood") about being a grown-up and trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans cut so low you have to get a Brazilian wax job to wear them, so it's great to see clothing makers finally doing something to fix a serious problem that I've been railing humorously about for so long.   I'm not going to stop doing that song, though.  It gets too many laughs.  But it does make me think that I need to see if Chico's would like to be the corporate sponsor of a satirical musical show.

On the more depressing side, it appears that the disturbing plastic surgery beauty pageant show "The Swan" is turning into a big hit and is now the third-highest-rated series on Fox.  A lot of other beauty pageants have been doing poorly in the ratings in recent years, so this gives me an idea: instead of the terrible "talent competition," just let the contestants' plastic surgeons come out on stage, show videos of what they did to the women, and describe their surgical talents.   Most beauty pageants hinge on who has the best plastic surgeon anyway, so let's eliminate the middle man and go right to the source!
 
 
 

April 27, 2004

Sunday's show at Django was a blast (my throat is still recuperating from talking to so many people afterward), and I want to thank all of you for coming out!  Brian and I were thrilled to perform for such a great audience, including our friend Paula Ayneworth of KERA, video pro (and darn good singer) Janet Kollmeier, a representative of the Dallas Women's Museum, and an icon of humorous songwriting, the wonderful Lu Mitchell!  What an honor to meet her!  We are coming back to Django again May 23 for another Sunday dinner show, so please tell your friends and spread the news.  We live by word of mouth.

Well, enough about me: there's BIG NEWS today!  If you recall, one of my crusades has been to knock down that age barrier of 24 on "American Idol" (not that I would want to try out for it; I just hate the general idea that if you are over 24, you are officially deemed to be too old to be a success in the music business).  That particular example of age bias was so glaring and hit so close to home, it was one of the main inspirations for me creating "My Ship Has Sailed."  Well, guess what?  The barricade has been toppled!  Well, sort of.

Simon Cowell announced that he has gotten so much criticism over the age barrier on "American Idol" that he is creating a new talent show that will allow anyone over 16 to compete, with no upper age limit.  The show will be called "The X Factor" ("X" standing for "X-tremely old," I assume), it will air only in Britain initially, and this won't affect the age rules on "American Idol," but at least it's a start.  I have a feeling that hearing the fantastically talented mom who won Oprah's singing challenge for grown-ups might have opened Simon's eyes a bit.   Or maybe he just listened to this year's crop of "AI" contestants and realized that America is running out of people under 25 who can carry a tune.   He says he hopes the new show will appeal to all the people over 35 who keep telling him there aren't any singers they like on "Idol" (people under 35 say that, too).

So finally, there will be a singing talent show with no upper age limit!  Why, you could be as old as...30!  Huzzah!

Of course, there's one condition: you still have to look 20.

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The New York Post's Page Six reports that "Sex & The City" vixen Kim Cattrall attended the premiere of a documentary about sex called "Still Doing It: The Intimate Lives of Women Over 60."  Despite rave reviews at film festivals, it can't find an American distributor because TV executives told the makers that middle-aged and older women aren't a demographic that interests them (since their average age is about 25 -- and their average mental age, about 12 -- they probably get sick just thinking of women over 60 having sex).  Cattrall said she attended as research for a documentary she's making on sex that will also include men's stories.  (Kim Cattrall and men talking about sex?  Now that, they'll buy!)

You'd think Lifetime would show it, but I guess they're not interested in women who have sex either. They only show movies about women who have diseases.

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Also from Page Six, (the world's greatest source of vital information), it seems Joan Rivers has become so synonymous with facelifts, Mercedes-Benz hired her to perform at a party to launch the "facelift" or redesign of their C-Class car.  It now has seats made of faux leather, the same material as Joan's face.  But if the C-Class Mercedes is anything like Joan, it didn't just get a facelift, it got put up on the rack for a total body overhaul.

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Finally, just a quick personal observation.  Have you noticed that there is a new version of "Extreme Makeover" where they send an overly-caffeinated construction crew to do a total makeover on someone's house?  I guess people and houses are now pretty much the same: both just big remodeling projects.

I hope the producer never makes a mistake and sends the wrong crew to the wrong show.  I can hear it now...

Producer:  "No, no!  You were supposed to use the jackhammer on her house, not her face!"

Remodeler:  "It was an honest mistake!  Her nose looked like a chimney!"

Producer:  "Oh well, don't sweat it.  Our plastic surgeons probably would have used a jackhammer on her, too..."
 
 
 

April 23, 2004

I'm very busy preparing for the big show at Django Sunday, and I hope you'll all join me there.  In the meantime, here are a couple of quick stories for your amusement...

There's a new book out called "Generation S.L.U.T.," in which 10-to-14-year-old girls are interviewed about all the sexual imagery and pressures put on them by the media to look sexy when they're still basically kids.  The good news here is that there is a backlash among some of the girls, who have coined a delightful term for young women who insist on wearing heavy makeup and tight, revealing clothes, a la Britney and Christina.  They call them "prostitots."  (Maybe the really young ones could be referred to as "Everybody's Babies.")  One young girl provided the quote of the day when she said she wanted "jeans that fit me but that are not so tight that I can bounce a ping-pong ball off my butt."

She's probably really sick of boys doing that.

Finally, just yesterday, I said I'd believe men were as dedicated to looking good as women are when they started willingly enduring bikini waxes.  Much earlier on this blog, I noted that writing topical humor is hard because no matter how outrageous a joke you write, somebody turns around and actually does it, and then it's news.  Well, click here and see my point being proven before your very eyes...
 
 

April 22, 2004

I'm too furious about Jennifer Hudson being kicked off "American Idol" to do much commentary today, so I'll just point you toward this story, then go back to brooding, spitting nails, and plotting revenge against faceless (and tonedeaf) "AI" voters.

Yeardley Smith, the actress best known for providing the voice of Lisa Simpson, has turned her journals into a hit one-woman show in New York called "Yeardley Smith: More."  The reason I'm including it here is that she recounts her nightmarish experiences with poor body image, which led her to start dieting at age nine, vomiting at 14, then getting liposuction to try to become an actress in L.A.

She says, "The cliché is you can change the outside as much as you like, but the inside more or less remains the same, and you are no more or less a better person for that."  But I'm happy to report that she has finally developed a more healthy attitude, or at least an attitude about plastic surgery that I can agree with.  She says, "Ultimately, I don't regret having the plastic surgery.  I do regret feeling as though if I didn't have it, I couldn't go on for another day."

I would think she might also regret going through all that dieting, purging and surgery if she had known at the time that she was going to become rich doing voiceover work.
 
 

April 21, 2004

Well, as I say in "My Ship Has Sailed," you didn't think this was just for women, did you?  If so, then I direct you to a story in today's London Daily Telegraph.  A new study by Virgin Money Loans found that nearly two-thirds of British men in their 40s said they feel under the same pressure as women to stay youthful.

The researchers say that while men having a mid-life crisis used to buy a sports car or trade their wives for a younger model, they now want to change their own looks, with 54 percent hiring personal trainers and one-third seeking plastic surgery or Botox  (So now they get plastic surgery, then trade in both their cars and their wives for a younger model).  A Lancaster University psychologist said that just as men reach the top of their fields in their 40s, they realize their success has come at the expense of their health and looks, and they've now started trying to fix that by spending £2 billion a year on everything from gym memberships to cosmetic surgery to salon facials and body wraps.   I guess this only happens to really successful men because it takes so much more money to have a midlife crisis these days.

Personally, I won't believe men are really as serious about looking good as women are until they start ordering bikini waxes.
 

April 20, 2004

We had the first rehearsals last night for this year's Dallas Press Club "Gridiron Show," the first one they've done in four years.  My husband Pat and I did a lot of writing on it, and we'll both be appearing in it.  Pat is in several sketches, including two he wrote, and I'll be singing a parody song in honor of Laura Miller.  This show will star a lot of your favorite local celebrities from the TV news world, and tickets will be available to the public.  For more info, visit the Press Club Website.

And now, a couple of news stories to ponder while we all recuperate from episode two of "The Swan"...
 

The A.P. reports that even after an extreme makeover, some people are concerned that their voices can still give away their age (they might contain too much wisdom or something...or maybe they're using words like "swell" and "whippersnapper").

But happily, there's a surgical solution: the voice lift.  It involves putting either implants or collagen or fat injections into the vocal cords to restore youthful limberness and to reverse tremors or hoarseness.  It's done under general anesthesia, so you don't even know what you'll sound like, which makes it risky for singers.  But one surgeon said for teachers or politicians who need strong voices and "don't want to sound like Marlene Dietrich," it's something to consider.  So Al Gore might want to consider it.

I hear 26-year-olds are getting it so they can sound young enough to compete on "American Idol."

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Angelina Jolie has some good news for male fans: Britain's Daily Star newspaper quoted her as saying she plans to keep stripping on screen until she's 40.  Jolie said she's not "overly shy" about nudity, and "I reveal more of myself when I'm extremely open emotionally than when I've got my shirt off" (that would make for a memorable Barbara Walters interview).  Jolie said she wouldn't mind continuing to appear nude when she's over 40, but by then, her adopted son will be a teenager and might be uncomfortable with it.  After all, she woudn't want her son to think she's weird.

There's only one kink in her plan:  by the time she's 35, the studio will already be insisting on a 20-year-old body double.
 
 
 
 

April 17, 2004

A few bizarre stories from the health/fitness/anti-aging front today...

Canada's University of Guelph is marketing a new kind of milk, produced by feeding herring to dairy cows.  (I follow an anti-aging diet of salmon and can't get my husband to eat one bite of it, but somehow, they're getting cows to eat herring.  They must have amazing powers of persuasion.)  The milk contains a healthy fatty acid found in fish, but people who don't like fish can now get it by drinking the milk (maybe my husband would agree to drink a herring milkshake, as long as there are no chunks of salmon floating in it).  Believe it or not, one of the researchers who helped develop it claims he can't detect any difference between herring milk and regular milk.  Other than the fact that cats like it even better.

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McDonald's is so worried about those stupid lawsuits blaming them for their customers' obesity, they are launching a campaign to show how health-conscious they've become.  At a press conference this week, they unveiled brochures telling customers how to reduce fat and calories by skipping the cheese or bun on a cheeseburger (as Jay Leno noted, you're guaranteed to lose weight because there's hardly any meat, then you hold the cheese and bun...what's left?!)  They also showed off a new children's menu that will allow substitutions such as apple slices instead of french fries (I assume the apple slices are battered, fried and dipped in cinnamon sugar); and most hilarious of all, they unveiled their new "Adult Happy Meals," called the "Go Active" meals.  They will include salad, bottled water, a pedometer and advice to walk more.  This will NOT make their customers happy.  In fact, most of them will probably use the pedometer to find out how far it is to KFC.

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Finally, a truly delicious item, which is the Story of The Day, or STD as I like to call it:

Russia's Miss Universe pageant was thrown into chaos recently by the possibility that an "ordinary" girl might actually win.  A friend of Alyona Pisklova, a 15-year-old who is sort of the anti-Paris Hilton, posted her photo on their website for Internet voters.  Anti-globalization activists saw it and latched onto her as a symbol of their fight against the "Barbification" of society, fake emotions, unnatural looks and conventional standards of beauty connected to waist and bust size.  She got 10,000 votes in one day, twice as many as the next runner-up.  Pageant officials thought the site might've been hacked, but it hadn't.  The groundswell of support must've panicked them like the popularity of William "She Bangs" Hung did the "American Idol" producers.

Lucky for them, they found a loophole and disqualified Alyona for being below the minimum age.  (This could mark the first time ever that a budding beauty queen was cursed by not being old enough.  They might have told her to try out for Junior Miss Russia instead - yeah, let those guys be panicked for a change.)  But as a consolation, they gave her a stereo, a karaoke machine and a puppy.

And, of course, an Extreme Makeover.
 
 
 

April 15, 2004

We've all heard of "Extreme Makeovers," but this has to be the ultimate.  A man named Michael J. Tito underwent surgery to turn himself into a woman, but not just any woman.  He wanted to become Jennifer Lopez.  So he had hormone sex change treatments, breast enlargements, cheek implants, jaw and brow sculpting, and of course, butt implants (no doubt in size XXXL).  Tito, who is changing his name to Jessica, appeared on MTV's plastic surgery show, "I Want A Famous Face," where viewers voted that he and J-Lo were "a match" (probably a better match than J-Lo and Ben Affleck).  Tito said that while nobody has actually mistaken him for J-Lo, "my people tell me all the time I am very J-Lo-ish."  But then, they have to say that; they're his entourage.

I'm sure he turned out beautiful.  I hear that to get the look exactly right, he went to the same team of plastic surgeons who created J-Lo herself.
 
 

April 12, 2004

I apologize for the long delay since the last update, but I've been sick, overseeing a major house/yard remodeling, working on my show, tending to a parrot with an injured beak, and helping write the Dallas Press Club's Gridiron Show.  No, that's not a multiple choice quiz: I've been doing ALL those things!  But now, it's time to get back to the serious business of laughing at aging until it finally gives up and goes away...

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I hope Linda Ellerbee somehow finds her way to my website and reads this, because I want her to know that she is my hero.

Her recent column, running under the headline "Too Old?" in THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS, was sparked by the "reassignment" of veteran broadcaster Bob Edwards from NPR's "Morning Edition" to a position as "senior correspondent."  Now, why, you may ask, was a popular radio host whose audience has grown by 41 percent in the past five years, someone whose show was the most listened-to morning radio program in the United States, and who has hosted that show for the past 25 years, abruptly cut loose from it?

Why, indeed.

Could it possibly be because Bob Edwards is...(brace yourself)...56 YEARS OLD?!!

The powers that be will never say that was the reason; Ellerbee quotes an NPR spokeswoman as saying a new host would "bring new ideas and perspectives to the show."  Yeah, right.

And this was in publicradio.  Blatant age bias has been going on in the commercial media for years; commercial radio stations live and die by their demographics.  Advertisers typically don't want to waste their considerable ad dollars on mature, set-in-their-ways people, preferring young skulls full of mush to brainwash into unshakable brand loyalty.  And ad agencies tend to follow the adage that only young writers and producers can appeal to a young demographic.  So if you're 45 and looking for a job in advertising, good luck, buddy.  You belong to another demographic group:  insane people.

In fact, I've noticed that even the "anti-aging" skin products advertised on TV are aimed at twenty- and thirtysomethings.  They're for the woman who wants the world to think she's still...28.  (Of course, the models demonstrating it are still 19.)

Anyway, I give advertising and marketing most of the blame for the blatant ageism that exists today.  There's a "divide and conquer" mentality that I see in radio, TV, music, fashion, magazine publishing, and almost everything else that has gradually settled like thick, fine dust into every corner of our culture.  We all think in terms of categories now.  That's why even public radio has been affected.  If the trend continues, mature broadcasters on NPR will be as scarce as Republicans.

As for ageism as it relates to media personalities, Ellerbee makes a superb point:  The assertion that a young person will accept the news only if delivered by a young person is just like the one that was used against female broadcast journalists.  TV executives actually maintained the notion that men wouldn't believe the news if it came from a woman.  These executives made six- and seven-figure salaries but should have been wearing striped hats and flipping burgers for minimum wage.

When I started in radio -- boy, I'm dating myself here! -- female artists couldn't be played back-to-back.  Almost all the voices on commercials were male, because male voices were thought to have more authority.  In fact, the lower the voice, the better.  Doesn't that kind of radio seem as out of date as the dancing cigarette cartons on 1950s TV?

My point is, things can change.  (There's a long way to go, however; executives do accept the existence of female broadcasters now, but the age bias against them is considerably worse than it is for men.)  I'm hoping that in the not-too-distant future, the idea that younger people won't choose to listen to the news from a seasoned broadcast veteran - a smart, witty and, yes, familiar fifty- or sixtyish man or woman -- will seem just as ridiculous and stupid as that damn dancing cigarette carton.

We can do more than hope.  Linda Ellerbee suggests taking action - or rather, inaction - by NOT reaching for the checkbook during NPR's next pledge drive.  Why, we're so ancient and creaky anyway, it surely would be too much trouble for us to get out of our rocking chairs and find our tattered checkbooks with our old, bleary eyes.

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In the April 3 edition of the Dallas Morning News, a local writer named Renee Schafer Horton wrote a guest editorial about plastic surgery.  (I don't know if this ran in any other papers.)  One of her fortysomething friends had just had a facelift, and this writer was thoughtfully considering the pros and cons.  She concluded that she would accept the gradual changes in her face.

It was a nice piece, but the thing that struck me most was that it ran right next to another guest editorial, this one about a film from Afghanistan called "Osama."  The headline read, "Film reveals terror behind the burqa."  I find it sad and unsettling that we have the luxury of agonizing over what to do with our faces when we know there are millions of women in the world who can't reveal their faces at all.

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Guess who's buying CDs?  It's the people record industry executives have been ignoring for years.  (As I suggested earlier, marketers target a young demographic that has developed no taste, so they can sell any kind of crap to it.)

The music industry thinks teenagers are their biggest market.  Teenagers, my Aunt Fanny!  (That's not an exclamation: turns out my Aunt Fanny is actually the one buying all the CDs).  Incredibly, Fox News.com reports that people in their forties and fifties have discovered a few new artists worth listening to, and they're buying their music big-time.  While the youngsters are doing all that free downloading, their elders are forking over their war bonds and silver dollars for Norah Jones, Clay Aiken and Alicia Keys, among others.  This is actually making news.  Mature record-buyers just may save the troubled music industry from imploding.  Real songs with melodies, performed movingly by people who can actually sing, are coming back.

I have one comment, though.  Norah Jones, Clay Aiken and Alicia Keys are all in their early twenties.  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)  What if Norah Jones had gotten married right out of high school, had a batch of kids, raised them, then gone to college and studied music, then gone to New York and played jazz piano for an appreciative over-30 crowd, and then started trying to get a recording contract?  Let's say the songs were exactly the same as the ones she's gone platinum with, but she were, oh, about 43.  Does Norah Jones get a record contract?

NO!!!!!!!  The day a 43-year-old Norah Jones (or 43-year-old anybody) gets a record contract is the day Joan Rivers doesn't  make a pit stop at her plastic surgeon's office.

Of course, as I say in MY SHIP HAS SAILED, the next step is to prove that age is no barrier for someone starting a career in music.  (That's why you all need to make me, Laura Ainsworth, a cultural phenomenon.)  Change will happen.  We'll sweep the dust out of those corners yet!

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Finally, from the "Shattering Age Stereotypes" Dept. comes this story, courtesy of the London Daily Telegraph.

A study of British grandmothers funded by the UK's Economic and Social Research Council found that they no longer fit the old rocking chair granny image.  Today's British grandmother is likely to be under 60 and have a full time job (and I bet she had to lie about her age to get it.)  Testifying to the increased brattiness of today's kids, grannies also said they don't want to spend all their time with their grandchildren.  In fact, they are so busy, some say they feel pressured to take on more child care than they want, and wish they had more time to themselves.  Probably so they can pose for nude calendars.
 
 
 
 

April 6, 2004

It's a landmark week in television, as Fox premieres what could be the most disturbing thing to hit prime time since "Fear Factor" brought good, old-fashioned stomach-turning carnival geek shows to network TV's family dinner hour.   I refer, of course, to "The Swan."

This is the show in which a group of "ugly ducklings," a gaggle of low-self-esteem women who have spent their lives wishing they could change their looks, all get extreme plastic surgery makeovers (Hmm, wonder where they got this idea?  As Ernie Kovacs once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of television".)  They are not allowed to look into a mirror until they've healed and been given new hair styles, makeup, etc.  At that point, the women -- or at least, the ones who are judged to have healed into the most eye-pleasing arrangement of scar tissue and silicone -- will compete in a beauty pageant for the title of "Miss Swan."  And yes, this is exactly how Donald Trump's Miss Universe Pageant works.

I have a feeling this will be like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but I'll probably be tuning in.  As we tell our Comedy Wire radio clients, our motto is "We watch this crap so you won't have to!"  It debuts Wednesday, April 7, at 8 p.m. CST if you're strong of stomach and want to join me.  And naturally, it's on Fox.

If you don't get your fill of surgical enhancement from "The Swan," Friday, April 9, Lifetime will present a show called "Head 2 Toe," starring Joan and Melissa Rivers, who between them have had more plastic surgery than "The Swan's" entire flock.  The show features the mother-daughter succubi tag team giving each other complete makeovers and inflicting their taste on each other for a change, instead of on hapless celebrities on red carpets.  The gimmick with this show is that they have to wear blindfolds while getting made over.

Not to be catty, but I suspect this isn't the first time Joan and Melissa have gotten makeovers while blindfolded.
 
 

April 2, 2004

At first, I suspected this story was an April Fool's Day joke, but it first appeared on the Internet on March 31, and it seems to be real, so I have to share it with you.

It seems that a 24-year-old woman in Hunan province, China, got a breast enlargement at a beauty salon that was not authorized to carry out plastic surgery -- talk about a full-service salon!  But one year later, she found two lumps growing on her stomach (hey, she asked for an "extreme makeover.")  The two lumps just kept growing and growing until she apparently had four breasts.  She finally had to get a second operation to remove her two extra breasts.

And that's when her husband divorced her.

All kidding aside, this again shows the dangers of getting plastic surgery from a less-than-reputable provider.  You might end up with four breasts -- although some women would probably tell the doctor, "Just remove the two smallest ones."
 
 

March 30, 2004

The lookism worm may finally be turning, at least in the UK.  Dove Firming moisturizer surveyed British women and found that two-thirds of them were depressed about their figures because of the thin, airbrushed models in beauty product ads.  They also chose Renee Zellweger in her pleasantly chubby "Bridget Jones" role as their healthiest celebrity role model (the skinny Renee in "Chicago" only came in 7th -- you'd think they'd pick Jamie Lee Curtis).  So Dove has launched an ad campaign featuring real women of all shapes and sizes in their underwear, with no retouching.  You can find the full story, along with the photos, here.  And these actually are real, unretouched women.  Some of them make chubby "Bridget" Renee look like skinny "Chicago" Renee.

One psychologist said it was great that a beauty product maker is finally telling women to feel good about themselves instead of implying their product performs miracles.  (It's not a miracle that a moisturizer makes you firm?)  Personally, I think they performed a miracle when they found real women who were willing to pose in their underwear with no retouching.
 
 
 

March 29, 2004

If you are like me and believe you shouldn't judge people by their appearance, then realize what an uphill battle we're facing.  The London Daily Telegraph reports that the UK financial advice company Sesame commissioned a study of 1,000 British adults and found that people with large blue eyes, blond hair, full lips and childlike features are more likely to land jobs and win court trials.  Most people, including juries, perceive those with such features as more trustworthy (what about Baby Face Nelson?), while people with small mouths and lips and more mature features are seen as less reliable.  Also, women are perceived as more trustworthy than men, as are people with clean hair and shoes (but I repeat myself).  So the lesson here is, forget that high-priced lawyer; just spend the money on an Extreme Makeover.

By the way, I would like to point out that big blue eyes, blond hair and clean new shoes didn't help Martha Stewart, did they?

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And now, one of our periodic celebrity quotes, this one from Julianne Moore, who was asked by an "Entertainment Tonight" interviewer if she would get plastic surgery.  She replied:
 

"I think it's insane!  I really, really do.  I think we're promoting this idea of a face that doesn't look like a face - that doesn't look like a person, and that becomes the standard of beauty, and the people think, 'What's wrong with my face?'  I have two kids, and I'm at this one place in my life where I don't want to look like I did when I was 22.  It wouldn't match where I am in my life.  There are things that are more important than how we look."
 

What a great quote!  Sad to say, though, if you're a Hollywood actress, you're no longer 22 and your looks match your age, where you'll probably be in your life is in the Unemployment line.
 
 

March 24, 2004

Sorry to go so long without an update, but I've been very sick for the past week and swilling cup after cup of Theraflu (most over the counter remedies do nothing for me, but Theraflu actually helped...Please send commercial endorsement fee to me, c/o this website).  Anyway, I'm finally feeling a bit better, so here are a couple of stories for you...

Tonight on "American Idol" (one of the inspirations for writing "My Ship Has Sailed"), Matt Rogers was voted out.  He wasn't one of the best singers, but he wasn't the worst this week.  The important thing for our purposes is that he was  the oldest  singer, having just sneaked in by having his 25th birthday right after he passed the auditions.  So naturally, he had to scram.  There can't be an American Idol who's been on the planet for a quarter of a century!!  That's why Simon Cowell always expresses to contestants that they were dull or lackluster by saying that they "seemed old."

I will never rest until "American Idol" does away with that stupid maximum age limit.  I still insist that the winner could be someone older than 24, but we'll never know that until they allow someone older than 24 to enter.  Also, until they find someone over 24 who doesn't sound like a bagful of cats when "singing."

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Crack out your hankies: Reuters reports that supermodels may soon be hurting for work. Glamour is the latest women's magazine to replace cover models with celebrities.  The editor said readers can't relate to models, because they seem unreal: "six feet tall, 95 pounds and genetically-blessed."  Despite their wealth, fame and beauty, celebrities seem more real because readers know, for instance, about Drew Barrymore's struggles with booze and her weight, or J-Lo's marital problems (of course, we're also sick of J-Lo's marital problems, but never mind).

The article doesn't mention that thanks to PhotoShop software, Drew Barrymore can now look 6 feet tall and 95 pounds.  Plus, all the really famous supermodels are over 30 now, so who'd want to look at them?

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Finally today, in a victory for Jurassic-era supermodels everywhere, comes word that Ultimo lingerie has signed Rod Stewart's ex-wife Rachel Hunter (a doddering 34, which is 117 in model years) to a $1.7 million contract.  Making it extra delicious is that they chose her over Penny Lancaster, Rod's current younger trophy girlfriend.  Hey, it's not children's lingerie.

I guess they saw Rachel in this month's Playboy and thought, "Boy, that old hag would look really hot if she had on some lingerie!"
 
 
 

March 17, 2004

The home renovations are just about done, and homelife is finally returning to normal, but I've still been swamped recently.  The last show at Django SOLD OUT (Yay!), and the club has booked us to return on Sunday, April 25, so please spread the word and tell your friends!  I'm working on some new material, and possibly a new song, if we have time to perfect it before then.  Also, we talked to Django about the problem with the food last time (they didn't expect such a big crowd and ran low), and they assured us that now that they know what to expect, it won't be repeated.  I promise, if they run out of food during the next show, I will stop in mid-song and order low-carb Subway wraps delivered.

And now, some fun news items for you to explore...

It's impossible to write jokes these days because no sooner do you make a joke than it becomes an actual news item.  Remember the joke from my last posting, in which I suggested we try to find a way to stop aging by equipping people with pause buttons?  Well, five days later, up popped this headline:

"Science Wants to Pause the Biological Clock"

Of course, this is mostly about prolonging fertility, but if they can stop that clock, maybe they can stop all the rest of them.  You'll look so youthful, your baby will never suspect that you gave birth to him at the age of 93.

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From the "Do Not Attempt To Adjust Your TV" department comes this story about something we noticed while watching the Oscarcast: that a lot of movie stars seem to have started bathing in vats of self-tanning cream.  The deep orange phosphorescence of Charlize Theron and Sandra Bullock did not escape today's eagle-eyed fashion mavens.  E! Network fashion director Elycia Rubin said that between their golden skins and frosted makeup, some stars are starting to resemble creamed donuts (Charlize Theron made up to resemble a donut: it's Homer Simpson's erotic dream).  One celebrity makeup artist said it's not good when your first thought is "Whoa, she's tan!"  And Cosmo's beauty director said the stars seem to be getting "oranger and darker."

It does seem a tad overdone when Charlize Theron is the darkest African-American in the room.  Still, the spray-on tan look is healthier for your skin than sun-bathing, and it's probably not going away for awhile.  Nobody in Hollywood wants the Oscar to look more gold-plated than they do.

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Perhaps because of the success of "Extreme Makeover" (or just because of their own cattiness), celebrity magazines and tabloids have become obsessed with bad plastic surgery of the stars.  Last week, I was standing in a check-out line and noticed the covers of four magazines side-by-side that all featured variations on the same cruel theme.  The Enquirer mocked celebrities caught at the beach showing cellulite, the Star had before-and-after shots of bad celebrity cosmetic surgery, the National Examiner had horrifying photos of actresses caught in public without makeup (what were they thinking?!!), and US Weekly had this cover headline: "Botox: Who's had it, and who hasn't...yet."  This was illustrated with photos of Madonna ("frozen, with her eyes wide open...") and Jennifer Aniston, who was quoted as saying she hasn't had Botox but she could sure use it (well, obviously, the poor old crone.)

If you'd like to see an example of this on the Internet (either to condemn it or to revel in the foolishness of rich beautiful people), here is a link to a story in the same jugular vein, from the British tabloid, The Sun.  In this case, they are mocking famous women who've had bad breast implant surgery.  You know the type: bigger than beach balls, or so fake they look like two colanders embedded under the skin, or the type that are set far apart and go off in two directions, like Marty Feldman's eyeballs.

If these women weren't celebrities, nobody would delight in their physical imperfections or bad surgical procedures, but because they're famous, it's open season.  People now slow down and gawk at celebrity surgical blunders the way they do at car wrecks.

The Star also ran a feature on actresses who look unbelievably good "for their age."  (Of course, their age is always noted.)  The idea: that these women look "too good to be true."

Actresses can't win. They either let aging take its course or give in to a plastic surgery overhaul, which can turn out good or bad.  No matter what they do, their looks are picked apart.  It's either, "Wow!  I wonder who her plastic surgeon is?" or "Oh my GOD!! I wonder who her plastic surgeon is!!"

Years ago, one of my husband's favorite writers, Merle Kessler (who writes under the name Ian Sholes) said, "Athletes, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for other people's amusement."  It's sad to admit, but I'm beginning to think that actresses may have to be added to that list.

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I hate to leave you on a down note, so here is my feel-good headline of all time:

"Texans Get Younger Every Year"

As if we don't have enough people moving to Texas already!  Actually, it's just a story about how the Texas population under age 14 is growing, but for a minute there, it made me very happy to be a Texan.
 
 
 

March 9, 2004

Sorry to go so long without an update, but it's been bedlam at our house.  We've having extensive remodeling done to the bathrooms and back yard, and everything is turned upside down.  My computer was unplugged and pulled away from a wall that had to be replastered, things are piled up everywhere, and there was a bathtub in the hallway and a disconnected toilet sitting in the middle of my husband Pat's home office.  He said if it had only been connected, it would have been quite convenient, but as it was, it was just another thing to trip over.  Anyway, I swear I am working on a newsletter and scheduling another public show of "My Ship Has Sailed" at Django, but for now, here are a few news stories you might enjoy...
 

One of my pet peeves is people whose ultimate dream is to retire at 50  (Why? As George Burns said, "The day you retire is the day you start dying.  I can't die; I'm booked.")  That's why it was such sad news to learn that one of our greatest movie stars, one who appears so strong and vital and who still does his own stunts, is packing it in at 50.  I refer, of course, to Godzilla.

Toho Films of Tokyo has decided to make one more movie to celebrate the giant lizard's 50th birthday, then forcibly retire him (wonder who's gonna tell him?)   But there's a chance Godzilla won't have to spend all the rest of his days stomping around the golf course, since Toho would not rule out a comeback in the future.   Godzilla could be one of those freakish creations of science that retires and refuses to leave, like Cher on her Eternal Farewell Tour.

Still, now that he's over 50, it'll be almost impossible for him to find work again.  Maybe he could do commercials: "When I was younger, I could devour Tokyo and wash it down with the Kirin brewery, but now, I swallow one little subway car and I'm breathing fire all night!  Thank goodness for Mylanta!"...

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Thanks to plastic surgery, we no longer have to join Godzilla in looking like an aging reptile.  Reuters reports that a survey by Abbey Bank found that almost one in 10 people in Great Britain want or have already had plastic surgery.  Women most want breast enlargements, while men want nose jobs.  Of most interest to the bank, nearly a quarter of those wanting to go under the knife were willing to spend up to 20,000 pounds ($36,500 US) to look young and attractive, and the same percentage would happily borrow money from the bank to do it.  (Or from their kids' college fund.)

Their plan is to turn out attractive enough to marry somebody rich and pay off the loan.

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Speaking of plastic surgery, this story from MSNBC describes some of the great strides being made in developing the perfect fake breast to replace leaky silicone implants.  They range from titanium implants (I thought Pamela Anderson already had those) to the most promising of all: gummy breasts!  These are implants filled with leak-resistant cohesive silicone gel with a consistency similar to that of gummy bears (seems like most women would prefer chocolate-filled, but never mind).   The gummy boobs come in three flavors: orange, cantaloupe and watermelon.  No, wait: those are the sizes.

One surgeon said they come close to the "perfect implant" in terms of durability, biocompatibility and natural shape.  Because what could be more natural than to have two bags of gummy bears in your boobs?

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If she's not flat broke, then Margaret Christie of Dundee, England, might be interested in buying a pair of those gummy breast implants.  She was upset that her wedding dress didn't make her look voluptuous enough, so she took the dressmaker to Sheriff's Court to demand her 250 pounds ($465 US) back.  But the sheriff had her try it on and ruled the problem wasn't the dress, it was her flat chest.  He said, "Unfortunately, she did not have the necessary basic ingredients for having voluptuousness."  The sheriff thought she was making mountains out of molehills and suggested she try tape or a Wonderbra.  She replied that both suggestions were offensive and sexist, called his ruling disgusting and ridiculous, and vowed to appeal.  Good luck finding someone she appeals to in that dress.

While Margaret decides whether to appeal to "Judge Judy" or "Extreme Makeover," any men reading this should take a moment to absorb a valuable lesson from Margaret's reaction to the verdict:  This is why you never say "yes" when a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?"

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Here's some good news for people whose memories are getting a bit foggy with age:  Tim Tully, a genetics professor at Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in New York, has developed a drug that helps improve memory.  It's about to be tested on humans, and if it proves safe and effective, it could be on sale within five years.  Tully says it could be used by students, actors who need to memorize lines, or middle-aged people studying languages or trying to learn to play musical instruments (or just remember where they put their car keys.)   It's called HT-0712, but it's been nicknamed "Viagra of the mind," I guess for people who can't remember "HT-0712."  I suggest you take both Viagra and the memory pill: not only will you be able to do it, but you'll never forget how.

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Finally, here is a fascinating website that I just had to share with you.  They took eight photos of the same woman at different ages throughout her life and used morphing technology to transition smoothly between them.  You can watch her age 69 years, from a young girl to an elderly lady, in just a few seconds.  If you're visiting this site, that's probably your worst nightmare!  Most touching, with all the changes, her shy, sweet smile remains the same throughout her life.

Know what I like best about this site?  The pause button.  Just click "Pause" and all the ravages of aging magically stop!  Think about it: all the billions of dollars we spend on cosmetics and plastic surgery to slow down the aging process are really just a search for that elusive pause button.  Maybe we should invest that money in computer research instead and actually find a way to install a pause button on each and every one of us.  That could solve this problem permanently.
 
 
 

March 3, 2004

Just a quick story, but one I have to pass along.  Dick Clark, who is 74, is being sued for age discrimination.  Game show producer Ralph Andrews, who is 76 and apparently not in on Dick Clark's secret of how to look like a teenager for six decades, approached Clark for a job.  He claims Clark wrote back a rejection letter wishing him well, but saying that the last producers he hired were aged 27 and 30, that TV is now being run by the "next generation" (well, in Dick's case, the generation after the generation after the next one) and that "people our age are considered dinosaurs."  Dick probably explained how 74 is fine, but 76 is too darn old; and then he had to run, because he's already preparing to host "New Year's Rockin' Eve 2005."

Personally, I think Dick Clark has to hire young producers so he can drink their blood and stay eternally young.
 
 

March 1, 2004

I'd love to comment on all the new faces at the Oscars (as Jay Leno said, they're the same old actors, they just had new faces), but I had a root canal today, so no deep commentary.  Just a couple of stories, then I'm crawling away...

From the "Chemical Preservatives" Dept., gerontologist David Demko wrote an article for Blender magazine called "When Will Your Favorite Rock Star Die?," predicting the lifespans of various rock musicians.  But he had to admit that he is baffled by one mystery: he doesn't know why Keith Richards is still alive.  Demko said Richards "defies all conventional wisdom."  He's 60 and still going strong, but judging by his history, habits and lifestyle, actuarial tables predict that he should have died at 52.  I suspect that he did, it's just that nobody's told him yet.

Either that, or the actuarial tables don't take into account the deal that he and Mick made with Satan.

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As I say in my show, "You didn't think this was just for women, did you?"  Transform Medical Group, a leading British private cosmetic surgery provider, says that one in ten plastic surgeries in the UK is now done on a man (that man: Michael Jackson!)

The number has doubled over the past two years, with nose jobs, liposuction and eye-bag removal the top requests, although tightening flabby buttocks is also popular.  One surgeon said there's been a generational shift and men in their 40s are no longer embarrassed to spend money on their looks, whether it's designer clothes, expensive haircuts, plastic surgery or gym memberships.

Of course, they never usethe gym memberships, which is why they need liposuction on their flabby buttocks.

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Finally, a good turn of events for all those who are still traumatized by their horrid high school yearbook pictures. Wisconsin has passed a new law prohibiting schools from signing exclusive contracts with yearbook photographers.  It's meant to foster competition and prevent monopolies, but the best news for students is that they no longer have to settle for a bad yearbook photo from the school photographer, but can provide their own.  And thanks to PhotoShop, every high school student will now look like either Josh Harnett or Britney Spears.

The bad news: no matter how good your yearbook photo, 20 years from now, your kids will still think you looked like a dork.
 
 
 
 

Feb. 27, 2004

We're still getting some wonderful comments on the Django show last week.  We've had interest from bookers in California and Las Vegas, and Django would like us to come back soon.  As soon as we can fit it into the schedule, I shall return!

Meanwhile, I'm running all over the place today, but here are a few news items you might find amusing...

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Here is a very interesting article about dating among people over 50.  Apparently, someone just realized that people over 50 who are divorced or never married don't just hang around the house watching Lawrence Welk reruns with their 35 cats, but actually have social lives and sex lives and go out on -- gasp! -- dates!  In fact, a spokesman for one matchmaking company says that group "is humongous, and it's been ignored for so long" (Tell me about it, pal!).

I'll have more to say about this later, but for now, I'll just direct you to the story and note that if you are a mature adult looking for a great date show, I'd recommend a little act called "My Ship Has Sailed."  Perry Stewart of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram just referred to it as a "dynamite revue," and who am I to argue with an expert?
 

This is a fascinating story about an ancient language used only by women.  It was developed in China during a time when only men were allowed to learn to read and write.  Women invented their own written language called "nushu" (that means "women's script," not that they only used it to talk about new shoes), passed it down from mother to daughter, and no man was ever allowed to learn it.  The closest thing we have to it in modern America would be the writings in Cosmo.
 

As I say in my show, "Fashion is important," and here's further proof.  William Rhode III, 53, of Paterson, New Jersey, is facing child endangerment charges after he allegedly showed up at Holy Spirit Catholic School clad in a diaper and pink stretch pants, and requested a job application.  When his request was denied, he pooped in his diaper, then fled on foot.  Not the most impressive job interview ever, but someone probably told him that if he wanted to get hired at 53, he'd have to pass as someone much younger.
 

Finally, from the "Miracles of Plastic Surgery" department, officials at the Miss Universe-China headquarters in New York ruled that Chen Lili, a Chinese man who had a sex-change operation last November, may not compete for a spot in China's Miss Universe competition.  He would have been the first (known) transsexual ever to compete.  I don't know what their problem is.  He probably hadn't had any more plastic surgery than most of the other contestants.
 
 

Feb. 24, 2004

Many thanks to all who came to my 2/22/04 dinner show at Django on the Parkway in Addison!  This was my first performance of MY SHIP HAS SAILED since going on hiatus at the end of 2003.  (I was stunned by the sudden loss of my mother last fall and had to continue at the Ruby Room for a run of several weeks.  Doing my show actually helped me get through a very difficult time, but when the run was over, I felt I needed some quiet, “alone” time.)  My return show at Django was a SELLOUT, and I couldn’t have asked for a better audience than you.

One of the most enthusiastic tables was that of a local, extremely highly-regarded cosmetic surgeon and his office staff.  (Who better to appreciate songs like “Plastic Surgery,” “Frozen,” and an aria in praise of Dr. Perricone?)  The Red Hats were out in force, as were a delegation from Curves and the ladies from Spark!  VIP guests included representatives from ewomennetwork.com.  We even had some North Texas Skeptics – and I can prove this to anyone who doesn’t believe me.  Of course, there were also some neighborhood friends of mine.  (That’s right, I’m still Laura from the Block.)  All in all, this was a fun, lively crowd that made me feel instantly at home in a new place.

This club was designed to be the best showcase in the area for live musical performers, and it must surely be!  It’s a big room, with an exotic, sophisticated look as well as great lights and sound.  The chef even worked to make the buffet diet-friendly for those watching calories or carbs. (The chef himself said he was on a low-carb diet!)  Unfortunately, all the low-carb stuff got scarfed up right away, leaving a few people at the end in search of some non-pasta sustenance.  I apologize for the problem, and we’ll make sure that does not  happen again next time.  As my husband Pat says, "Behind every glamorous showbiz event, there's some poor guy having to worry whether there's enough roast chicken."

I’m scouting a variety of venues for MY SHIP HAS SAILED (any ideas?), but the calendar will likely include a monthly-or-so Sunday dinner show at Django.  If you saw my show at the Ruby Room, I hope you’ll come to this exciting new club, bring your friends, and catch it again.  If you haven’t yet had a chance to see it, I hope to meet you at an upcoming show!

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And now, the news...

In MY SHIP HAS SAILED, I talk about “the age thing” specifically as it affects the music business.  I explain that I was inspired to do the show after watching “American Idol” and realizing the contestants can be male, female, any race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, height or weight.  They can be disabled.  They can even have a rap sheet.  But they can't be over 24 years old.  That’s when I realized that age is the last big culturally-acceptable bias.

This news story confirms my assertion.  A long-running British band, the Alarm, which had a hit back in the ‘80s with “68 Guns,” was considered by radio programmers to be too old for airplay.  They were in their 40s, and their careers were seemingly over.  Well, they decided to make a point.  They cut a new punk-style song called “45RPM” and released it under the name “The Poppyfields.”  They even produced a music video – but it wasn’t their band who appeared.  They got some local teenagers in a band called The Wayriders to lip-synch the song.  Guess what?  The song has cracked the Top 30 and is rising.  My guess is that it stood out because people thought, “Wow!  Listen to these guys! They sound just like the Alarm, but they’re young and hot!”  Their only mistake was not hiring a band of teenage girls in low rider jeans and nipple medallions.  It could’ve been #1 by now.

Alarm singer Mike Peters, 44, said they pulled the prank to prove that the music industry is more concerned with image than with the musical value of songs.  No kidding.  Of course, now that they know the lead singer is 44, it will only be played in nursing homes.

Okay, you’ve heard Clay Aiken sing.  (If not, get out there and buy his new CD.)  He has a phenomenal voice and is already having a huge impact on the music industry.  One thing I’m loving about his popularity is that people of all ages – from kids to grandmothers to those in between – appreciate him.  Plus, he seems like such a nice, unassuming guy.  Given his small-town circumstances, it’s unlikely that he would’ve vaulted to the top the way he did without appearing on “American Idol.”

Just imagine for a moment that Clay Aiken is living in his hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina.  He spends most of his time working with autistic children and singing with his church choir.  He hears about a singing competition called “American Idol,” but, darn it...he’s 25 years old.

I think that’s all I need to say.

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On a positive note, did you happen to catch Oprah’s “Pop Superstar Challenge”?  Praise to Oprah for recognizing that talent not only exists in the over-24s, but can grow stronger and richer with age.  She had her own singing competition, and anyone could send in a tape.  The prize – besides the exposure, of course -- was a recording contract.  Eight finalists were chosen from among the thousands of tapes sent in.  I think the oldest finalist turned out to be 39 years old.

All eight competed on Oprah’s show, and I’ll have to say that the level of talent was higher than that of this season’s “American Idol.”  (By the way, the contestants also didn’t have that snotty, immature attitude so typical of AI auditioners.)  The TV audience voted to narrow the field to three, who performed again about a week later.  Another vote determined the winner:  LaShell Griffin, an unbelievably talented woman.  She has one of the strongest, most beautiful, flexible, and emotionally evocative gospel/R&B voices I’ve ever heard.  She’s spent her adult life at home with her five kids.  I still can’t get over the way she got up on that stage and soared!

LaShell is 36.

When Oprah asked her what she had learned from being in the contest, she said, "Sometimes, society can put you in a box due to your age and limit what you can achieve.  And I've learned to stay out of the box."

Until next time, let's all stay out of that box.  And while we're at it, let's push the envelope, too!
 
 
 

Feb. 23, 2004

I'm still winding down from the Django show and will write more about that ASAP, but here are two news items I just had to share with you...

It's truly amazing how many ways people have found to use Botox, but this one really takes the cake.  The Toronto Globe and Mail reports that a growing number of doctors are using Botox for breastlifts.  It all began when Botox was injected into pectoral muscles that pull the shoulders forward, to paralyze them and improve posture.  But women noticed that once they stood up straighter, their breasts stood out more and seemed higher and perkier.  (So that's why moms are always nagging their daughters to "stand up straight!")  There is another eye-catching side effect: the Botox deadens neurotransmitters that make nipples retract, so the patient's nipples remain semi-erect (or maybe that's just because they live in Canada).

Some doctors insist that they only do this procedure to improve posture, but one admitted that no men ever come in and ask for Botox to "improve their posture."  (Well, John Kerry does.)

It's interesting that Botox started out being used to give women stunned, staring facial expressions, and now, it's doing that to the men who look at them.

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And here's more good news:  A study conducted by a British think tank for GE Life pension planners found that life is getting much better for people over 50.  It estimates that by 2030, the average lifespan will have increased to 87.3 years.  Computers and flex time will allow people to work at home into their 80s, so they'll have money for vacations and sports.  Their beds will monitor their health, their showers will adjust their water temperature automatically, robotic chefs will make their food, advances in wheelchairs and prosthetics will keep them mobile, and because of their affluence, marketers and the media will court them.  Of course, all the models in those Depends and Polident ads will be under 25, but you can't have everything.

Why do I suspect that the most affluent people of all in the future will be plastic surgeons?
 
 
 

Feb. 20, 2004

In my show, I sing about being “Invisible.”  If you're a woman over, say, 35 or 40, you've probably had the experience of walking into a room and being…well, totally ignored.  This happens even to highly attractive women.  When it starts happening, some women just say, “To hell with it,” comfort themselves with Almond Joys (why else would they be called Almond JOYS?), dress in baggy jeans and XXL sweaters, and focus all their attention on their kids and/or grandkids.

Others pose nude.

One such desperate attention-seeker recently turned up on the “Oprah” show, during an episode called “The Worst Mistake Of My Life.”  Nonie Reynolds, a high school counselor (“dropout prevention specialist”) and the mother of three boys, said she was ---aha! --“feeling invisible” after turning 50.  “Is this all there is?” she lamented.  “I wanted validation that I was still okay.”

She saw a classified ad calling for over-40 models to pose for “art shows.”  When she got to the studio, the photographer started shooting relatively tasteful boudoir-style poses, but after several hours was able to maneuver Nonie into shocking, hard-core gynecological sluttiness.  The next day, the light dawned on what she had done, but when she went back to the photographer to get her pictures back (hahahahahahaha!!!!), it was too late.  They ended up in a porno mag that specializes in lewd pictures of women over 40.

How does this happen?  Oprah pressed her for an answer, but Nonie didn't really have one for her.  At least she didn't try to make excuses.  She could've said, “The photographer got me drunk,” or “The photographer drugged my Diet Coke,” or “The photographer waved a pocket watch before my eyes and hypnotized me into thinking I was Paris Hilton,” but she didn't.  She just said that, wow, this was the worst mistake she had ever made.

Indeed.  She lost her job at the high school over this, of course, and she said she thought her firing was appropriate.  I agree.  The woman did just about everything short of posing with farm animals.

Naturally, though, I am left with some unanswered questions.  First of all, how did the school administrators ever find out she was in this magazine?  Does the assistant principal have a subscription?  Maybe the football coach?  For that matter, maybe the girls' gym teacher?  What does the school board have to say about that?  Or did one of the kids bring it to class for “Show And Tell”?  Had little Jason found it under Daddy's side of the bed, paged through it till he got to page 45, and then shrieked, “Miss Reynolds???!!!” ?

The questions keep coming:  Aren't most 50-year-olds (and even most 20-year-olds, I would hope) savvy enough to see through the strategies of some sleazebag shutterbug?  Is the thought of being “invisible” so painful that a woman starting to feel this way will do literally ANYTHING to get noticed?

And, finally, getting back to my original point about feeling invisible:  Why don't men (at least men under 70) notice a good-looking 40-year-old woman?  Why don't they find her attractive in a sexual way?  I guess a few men prefer to look at nude pictures of women over 40, but “older-woman” porn strikes me as a specialty product that's designed to reach the hard-core “perv” market, like fetish porn and even (shudder) child porn.  After all, “normal” men want to look at pictures of 20-year-olds.

I'm not here to defend any kind of porn, but to discuss it as a reflection of our society.  Why does a “mainstream” nudie magazine like Playboy feature, almost exclusively, centerfolds who are young enough (barely) to be my daughter?  If Hef could legally do it, you know he'd be using pictures of girls even younger – and bedding them, too.  Girls are being sexualized at younger and younger ages.  Look at the fashion industry – it wants models as young as it can possibly find them, and yet fashion photography tries harder than ever to shock and arouse.  Little girls with breast implants, exotic makeup and smooth, naked skin are the turn-on.  And the real, exciting, experienced, vital, interesting, gorgeous grownup women find themselves forgotten, ignored…

Invisible.

I think the culture can change, and I'm trying to do my part.  In the meantime, don't do anything desperate.  Don't “pull a Nonie,” especially if you work in the public school system.  But do lay off the Almond Joys.  Take care of your body.  Do things you love. Wear clothes that make you feel exciting and wonderful.  And remember – any man who doesn't notice how great you are is not worth having.

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I'll leave you with a quick news item...

If you've noticed that "Today" show host Katie Couric is sporting awfully long bangs ("She bangs! She bangs!"), Women's Wear Daily claims it's more than a hair fashion choice.  "Today" is about to switch to high-definition TV, and WWD claims that Katie is worried about her age lines and is planning a brow lift, and the bangs are to hide the surgery.  I guess once all TV goes hi-def, every woman will be wearing her hair like Cousin Itt.

One question does occur to me: Why is her browlift so hush-hush?  We got to see her COLONOSCOPY, for gosh sakes!  Oh right, I forgot: a browlift is embarrassing.
 
 

Feb. 17, 2004

Big run-through with Brian today to get ready for the Django show.  That plus thousands of other details (promotions, distributing posters, lining up sound and video people, etc. etc.) have kept me from writing a full update, but here are a few tidbits from the news to tide you over...

The big story, of course (and a terrifying turn of events it is) is that New York City's tax panel has suggested taxing cosmetic surgery procedures, such as Botox and breast enlargements.  They say it's one of America's fastest-growing industries, with the number of procedures more than quadrupling from 1997 to 2001, and they estimate the tax could add up to $62 million a year to city coffers (from Jocelyn Wildenstein alone).  Opponents are arguing that doctors will just start doing the procedures in New Jersey instead, which would allow Jersey to change its state motto to "Come To New Jersey and Get Your Face Rearranged!"  Seems to me that before they start trying to pay off the deficit on the backs of women who are just trying to improve their fronts, they should try giving the city budget a little liposuction first.

Speaking of huge boobs, police in Italy are searching for a woman who had a plastic surgery clinic install the biggest silicone breast implants available.  She then somehow managed to skip out without tipping over, and without paying the $9,500 surgery bill (or, I presume, the tax).  She used a fake name, but police hope that a photograph and her unusually large bust will make her stand out in the crowd.  They're staking out all the chiropractors' offices, and they've asked Italian men to be on the lookout for a woman with huge breasts, as if they really had to ask.

If they catch her, they plan to charge a cover and a two-drink minimum to watch the police lineup.

*************************************

In celebrity news, that old hag Nicole Kidman has just enjoyed her first experience with the shattering ritual that eventually befalls every actress: being told that she's "too old for the role."  In this case, the chronologically-challenged Kidman was rejected for the female lead in a movie of the John le Carre thriller "The Constant Gardener" for being too long in the tooth at the ripe old age of 36 (I guess at that age, she should retire and take up constant gardening).

Granted, the character is supposed to be 22, but what must've really hurt is that the director passed over Nickie for her Aussie pal Naomi Watts, who is a fresh-faced 35, and therefore, 12 whole months closer to being 22.  Sadly, Naomi passed, and the current frontrunner is Kate Winslet, who is 28 and might find it even easier to pass for 22.   (This movie must be produced by the creators of "Beverly Hills 90210," the only people in Hollywood who actually cast people way too old for the roles).

Nobody has yet asked the question, "Why does the lead character have to be 22?"   Oh wait, I forgot: it's because Hollywood knows that once you're over 22, nobody will ever want to look at you again.  Just ask poor, desiccated Nicole Kidman.

**************************************

As I say in my show, considering all the age bias we have to deal with in our society, I consider plastic surgery to be your friend.  The trick is just not to overdo it.  You want to keep looking good without letting the process become obvious; to make people think, "Doesn't she look fresh and beautiful," not "Whoa, her face has been remodeled more times than Marlo Thomas's apartment!"

Unfortunately, a lot of celebrities take it too far (Michael Jackson, anyone?) which has led to a thriving community of websites that do nothing but chronicle bad celebrity plastic surgery, examining every scar in excruciating and dehumanizing detail.  These sites, along with the tabloids, have the same sort of sickening allure as a car wreck: you know it's horrible, but you can't look away.  The latest victims are Farrah Fawcett, whose once-noble and prominent nose seems to have imploded like the Sphinx's, and conversely, Madonna, who apparently got a great facelift and showed up at the Grammys looking so youthful that nobody talked about how good she looked, but about how brilliant her plastic surgeon must be (she can't win, and I don't mean a Grammy).  Click on their names to follow the links, but I warn you, the Farrah link is not pleasant.

Finally, since I hate to leave you in a depressed mood, try reading this story.  I guarantee you it will cheer you up.  It certainly did me...  (*NOTE: Sorry, the link expired, but it was a story about the health benefits of eating chocolate.)

*******************************************************
 

Feb. 9, 2004

Sorry it's been awhile since the last update, but preparing for the Django show and being in the V-Day show has us really running.  V-Day was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had in a theater, with the warmth of the cast members almost (but not quite) overcoming the lack of actual heating in the theater. I'll write more about this as soon as I have a spare moment, but for now, here are a few items just to bring you up to date on the news.

First up, even though I hate boxing, I sort of have to admire George Foreman.  He already set an age record by winning the heavyweight belt at 45 (or was it a Sans-a-belt?), and now he's planning another comeback at 55.  He's like the Nolan Ryan of large men beating each other into paste.

Foreman said it's time people stopped being afraid of being 50 or 60 and worrying about their medical exam results all the time, and he wants to show them what can be done at that age.  He started working out on his 55th birthday last month with a goal of getting down to 225 pounds and said he may have to cut out desserts to drop another 50 pounds.  This could delay the rollout of his new "George Foreman Donut Grill."

More power to George Foreman, but I have a feeling that Mike Tyson will eventually break his record.  The way he spends money, he'll have to keep boxing until he's 90.

***********************************

Cue up "She Blinded Me With Science": The journal Nature reports that University of Tokyo scientists are using stem cells to try to make women's breasts bigger (and I'll bet a lot of men who object to using stem cells to help paraplegiacs walk will be all for this).

The article says that plastic surgeons often use fat from other parts of the body to fill wrinkles, but they haven't put it in breasts because the cells can die and harden, interfering with mammograms.  But the Japanese researchers think that if they mix a woman's fat with stem cells and put it in her breasts, the stem cells will keep the fat cells alive and growing.  Doctors say this would beat implants because it's a natural substance from your own body, and women are usually happy to donate a couple of pounds of fat from their thighs to make their breasts bigger.  (But -- oh no! -- most of them have already had it liposuctioned out!)

So they're taking fat from women's thighs and putting it into their breasts.  Why didn't God think of this in the first place?

Of course, if the fat continues growing at the same rate it does in thighs, you could end up with size 65 EEE breasts.  Not that any man would complain about that.

*************************************

Finally, here is a very interesting essay by Julia Baird in the Sydney, Australia, Morning Herald, which ties in to my thoughts on John Kerry and Botox (see below).  She talks about how plastic surgery is becoming routine maintenance even for men, but some people are overdoing it so much, we're in danger of forgetting what normal people look like as we all chase an impossible standard of physical perfection.  One line which piqued my interest was the mention of her friend who is thinking of getting liposuction on her big toe, which does seem to be a tad extreme.

Unless, of course, she wears open-toed shoes.  Then she might want to get lipo on all ten of those fat little piggies.
 
 
 

Feb. 2, 2004

For those of you who have been keeping up with the campaign for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, the answer to the BIG QUESTION is yes.

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Extreme Makeover” to assume that presidential hopeful John Kerry definitely has had Botox and/or a forehead lift in recent days.  Judging from my own observations and the “before-and-after” photos on the Matt Drudge website, I’d venture to say he’s had even more than that done, although it’s hard to figure out when a busy campaigner like him would be able to schedule the necessary recovery time.  (Did he ever drop out of sight for a couple of weeks?  I don’t know.)  Maybe just for now, he’s got one of those temporary “face lifters” hooked on under his massive helmet of hair, to lift his sagging jowls.  I mean it -- that hair is huge!  He could easily hide a few pounds of skin in there!  Anything could be in there!

Okay, so he’s improved his face cosmetically.  The question now is, what to think about this.  Kerry’s new look brings up a number of issues.

First, should a presidential candidate have plastic surgery?  If his face frightens small children (and the “old” Kerry face certainly did), I say he should.  Suppose Kerry actually did become president, and somehow he distinguished himself enough for his face to be put on our money.  Children would cry whenever they saw money, develop a phobia, and grow up with no incentive to earn it.  They’d have to use credit cards all the time to avoid looking at his face, and then Americans would go even farther into debt than they are now.

And while he was in office, he’d look so old and scary – oops, I’m repeating myself – that people wouldn’t even watch his press conferences.  It’s hard enough to get people to watch presidential press conferences now – or even to have them televised.  People might become even less engaged in the political process than they are now.  That would be bad for America.

Of course, there’s the question of whether he’d even get elected with a face reminiscent of a shar pei’s.  Shar peis are from another part of the world.  They’re un-American.  Kerry already has trouble because he looks vaguely French.  And remember: age is the last big culturally-acceptable bias.  Voters like youth!  They associate it with tireless energy and vigor!

Never mind that young John F. Kennedy was riddled with then-unpublicized health problems and could barely stand without a back brace.  He looked healthy and vital.  (As we all know, it’s more important to look maahhvelous than to feel maahhvelous.)  He was young, and, wow, his wife was even younger and extremely stylish, and he had that great hair (hair that John “F.” Kerry is obviously trying to emulate), and he was the father of adorable young children.  People loved that!  A saggy old candidate running against that would definitely be at a disadvantage.

Second, is there a double standard for men and women?  Definitely yes.  Hillary Clinton can get nipped and tucked, and have ten airbrushers working overtime for the cover of her book, and everyone says, “Doesn’t Hillary look fabulous?”  As long as the effect is totally natural, a woman in politics can have it done, and – especially if the interviewer likes her – she probably won’t even be asked about it.

On the other hand, if it looks artificial or overdone (Nancy Pelosi’s nickname of “the Botox Queen” comes to mind), she’ll be the subject of jokes, and I, as a professional comedy writer, will be forced to lead the pack.

But for a man, the issue is much more complicated.  To much of America, plastic surgery still isn’t seen as a “manly” thing to do.  “Vote For Me – I’m A Metrosexual” isn’t going to play.  I wish a male candidate could have plastic surgery and be open about it, but that day may not have arrived.

Which brings us to the third and most important question:  If a candidate for office – male or female -- has had plastic surgery or Botox, can that person lie and deny it?

No.  If Kerry has had it, he shouldn’t deny it.  His credibility is at stake.  Besides, it insults our intelligence.  A president – or a presidential candidate  -- should never lie about anything unless it relates directly to critical matters of national security.  (By the way, John Kerry had already misrepresented something else:  he denied that he’d had a medical problem, after he’d undergone treatment for prostate cancer.)  A president is not a movie star – what he  says matters.  (Are you listening, Barbra Streisand?)

Well, then, should the candidate tell the truth and say he’s had plastic surgery?

Again, the answer is no.  The issue of his or her plastic surgery is personal and none of anybody’s business.  Kerry’s answer should’ve been, “I think that question is irrelevant to my campaign for president.  If I’d had plastic surgery, I just wouldn’t say anything about it, so there’s really no point in asking.  Next question!”

That’s an answer I could respect.  We are owed no more comment than that.  Plastic surgery is not the same as a medical treatment for problems that might have an impact on an individual’s ability to serve.  It’s like Viagra – Bob Dole chose to tell all, but no candidate should be required to reveal something so irrelevant to his performance -- in office, that is.

None of this would be worth discussing if it weren’t for one thing:  the impact of not-so-good looks on our assessment of other people.  Yes, I’m saying that I blame the voters!  Drat those voters!  Sometimes I think we’re only marginally less primitive than our ancestors from the Middle Ages.  We still think that a weak chin means weakness of character.  A low forehead means lack of intelligence.  Protruding ears mean lack of sophistication.  Eyes too close together – better not trust that person!

But a big (albeit practiced) smile on an open, youthful, pleasing face can definitely win people over.  It can also fool them.  Perhaps we’re hard-wired to judge people this way, but if we can work to overcome racial bias, we can also start to notice the other ridiculous factors we subconsciously use to assess people.  “The age thing,” of course, is a huge part of that.  Until we, the voters, decide to focus exclusively on the important issues, candidates for office will have plastic surgery to look younger and more attractive, and I say that’s just fine.

***********************

I got an interesting e-mail this week, which the sender okayed me sharing (and if you'd like to offer comments on anything, too, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com)...
 

Hi Laura!
I am a local actress in my mid 30's. I am looking forward to going to your show!
I was reading your newsletter, and found the article in Bazaar, Bizarre, whatever, INSANE!!!
It reminded me of a recent article in O magazine along the same lines. A bunch of "stylists"
dictating fashion to the uneducated masses.
Can you believe that this article actually said that women over 40 should NOT wear blue
jeans?!!! They said it wasn't dignified.
I just couldn't believe it.
Along the same lines, I am pretty curvy, and I find that when I go to Dillard's or other upscale
dept. stores, where they have entire floors just for women's clothes, the curvy women are
relegated to the tiny far corner of the store where they have maybe two or three racks of
offensively florid fabric OR the "shameful mumu" as I like to call it.
It seems that curvaceous women aren't satisfied, and like to wear only ridiculously patterned
fabrics to accentuate their bodies, or maybe we all live in Hawaii?
Anyway, I just wanted to say "hi" and how much I admire the stand you are taking!

Christie Vela
 

Thanks very much, Christie, and welcome to the crusade!  While I don't have the exact same problem (one male reviewer of my show accused me of being "extremely thin," which I swear I'm not -- I'm just tall and lanky and always have been), I do often wonder whether some fashion designers have a secret vendetta against women.  I recently tried to buy a new pair of jeans and found that the jeans makers had decided that the only people to whom they want to sell their product are teenage Britney Spears wannabes.  About 90% of the jeans I found in the mall were cut so low that the zippers were only about an inch long.  From the back, you'd look like a plumber, and from the front, well...let's just say you'd better have a Brazilian wax job.  They were apparently meant to be held aloft by wishful thinking.

As far as the treatment of curvy women goes, clothes makers seem to have a really counterproductive attitude.  It's just good business to want to sell your products to as many people as possible and not alienate your customers, yet so many clothes only look good on fashion models, many of whom now come from a secret fashion model breeding farm on the Island of Dr. Moreau, where they create mutant hybrids from the DNA of Julie Newmar and a giraffe.

John Waters once noted a similar double standard among tabloids.  When they ran photos of their own readers, they very seldom looked like fashion models, to say the least.  Yet if Liz Taylor or some other celebrity put on an extra pound or two, they would run unflattering photos and vicious headlines mocking her weight.

On the other hand, it is possible to go too far in the other direction.  Check out this shocking story from the BBC about a society in Mauritania where plus-size women are so highly valued that little girls are sent to reverse "fat farms" and force-fed like French geese so they'll become better marriage prospects.  They make the assumption that round women come from prosperous families (here, it's the opposite: we assume that emaciated women come from prosperous families.  Paris Hilton, for example).  Also, I assume that in a land without plastic surgery, this is the only way to make women's breasts bigger.  See, there are worse things than plastic surgery.

*****************************

Finally, just when you thought reality shows couldn't possibly get any worse, leave it to Fox to "lower the bar" by announcing "The Littlest Groom," in which twelve female little people compete for a 4-foot-5-inch bachelor.  This might actually have been a positive blow against "heightism," except the producers threw a surprise at the women: halfway through the filming, a group of average-sized hot babes were suddenly brought in to compete with them.  (This bachelor must be super-sized in some other area.  Maybe his bank account).  Whoever came up with this idea should star in a reality show called "The Littlest Brain."

This cruel surprise was decried by an organization of little people, who said the women had been promised they would not be subjected to televised competition with taller women, purely for the purpose of trying to humiliate them.

The only person not complaining, of course, was the 4-foot-5-inch man whom all the tall women are fighting over.  He feels just like Tom Cruise.
 
 
 

Jan. 27, 2004

Several interesting news items have rolled in on the age and beauty front.

First up, if you think American women have a yen for anti-aging products, take a gander at this story from Japan.   A company called Noevir is selling a new "high-tech" anti-aging cream called Speciale that they claim contains bacteria, amino acids and extracts from the South American rubiaceae plant which prevent sun damage, wrinkles and aging.  But there's one eensy-weensy drawback: it costs 100,000 yen ($939 US) for a small 45-gram jar!  Noevir claims they use microscopic "nanotechnology" to make the cream.  They say the gap in dead skin cells is 50 nanograms, and the cream's ingredients are just 40 nanograms (leave it to the Japanese to make even skin cream smaller), which enables it to sink deeper into your skin.  Well, it certainly sinks deeper into your wallet, anyway.  If I were writing their slogan, I might suggest "Speciale: It takes years off your savings account!"

Next, as if you needed scientific proof, love really isn't blind.  A study by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery found that 59 percent of women and 54 percent of men would like to change at least one feature on their partner's face.  (The angry, disappointed scowl, perhaps?)  But I'll bet if the women got bigger breasts, the men would be willing to overlook their facial imperfections.  Come to think of it, this study might be good news:  it's the first scientific proof ever that men actually look women in the face at all.

Finally, in what I hope is a good omen for my show's success, Diane Keaton won a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for "Something's Gotta Give," a wonderful (and in a big surprise to Hollywood, very profitable) movie about a romance between two adults over 50.  In accepting the award, she noted that her and Jack Nicholson's combined age is 125, which prompted a pained head shake from Nicholson.  Or maybe that was just the rhumatizz.

Coincidentally, 125 is also the combined age of Jack's last six girlfriends.
 
 

Jan. 23, 2004

Every so often, a news item pops up that reminds me of exactly why I wanted to write and perform "My Ship Has Sailed" in the first place, and this story is one of those.

It seems that the hip German fashion chain Takko needs to cut its staff due to low sales, so they put out a memo ordering managers to evaluate all Takko workers who are over age 50 "for their personal development and outward appearance."  Those who aren't fashionable and trendy enough will get the boot (I assume it's a kicky, spike-heeled boot).  Now, honestly, what chance do these poor employees have of being judged fashionable enough to keep their jobs?  Heck, just being over 50 is not fashionable!   Union officials were outraged, but management said they're trying to target customers age 20 to 45, and they won't buy clothes from people who look older and less trendy than them.

I can't help picturing the CEO of Takko wearing black leotards and tiny, black-rimmed glasses like Mike Myers' "Dieter" character on "Saturday Night Live," snapping at anyone over 50, "You haf become tiresome!"

I would suggest that if Takko's sales are low, maybe it's because they aren't interested in selling clothes to anyone over the age of 45.  Despite what you saw in the movie "Calendar Girls," older people do wear clothes.  I'm just astounded that trash-canning people over 50 for not being fashionable enough is their official, written policy.  Sure, it's the unofficial policy everywhere in the world, but everyone knows you never put it in writing!

Oh well, until the lawyers get involved, the best advice I can offer to Takko's over-50 employees is to spend your Christmas bonus on plastic surgery.  Either that, or spackle your face with an inch-thick coating of makeup and tell the boss you're a teenage Goth kid.
 
 

Jan. 20, 2004

I've noticed that lately, the fashion magazines have been big on dividing their readership into age categories for one purpose or another - to help them determine the right skincare, fragrance, hairstyle, snack food, whatever.   One recent example was in the December 2003 issue of Bazaar.  A short piece called "The Best Black Dress For You" actually dictates the type of black dress one should wear in one's 20s, 30s, 40s or 50+.  (By the way, have you noticed that all women from 50 on up are stuck in that one category, "50+"?  That means everyone from Diane Keaton to that Chechnyan woman who claims to be 122.)  Wearing the right style for your particular decade of life is VERY IMPORTANT!  It would be criminal to get this wrong, even by a couple of years, so, as a service to my readers, I've included some key points to keep in mind:

20s:  "Fashion is yours to experiment with."  Have fun with plunging V-necks, revealing slits.  Be playful.  Be "of the moment."

30s:  "It's time to get more serious."  "Pick edgy but less showy silhouettes."  "Tone it down a tad."

40s:  "Sophistication and simplicity should reign."  Recommendations:  a straight, knee-length dress, modest high-neck cuts balanced with sexy cap sleeves.

50+:  Go for "grande-dame status."  (No, I'm not kidding; it really says this.)  Long sleeves.  Look for quality, and elaborate details, like "cashmere dripping with jewels."  Major bling-bling is necessary.

(In other words, look RICH, because that's the only way you're going to get noticed by a man at your age, dear.  Hey, it helped Margaret Dumont attract Groucho Marx.)

I'd think that any woman over 50 (especially one who works out and wears clothes well) would be really offended by this.  I'd think that a woman over 50 with great cleavage could have as much "fun with plunging V-necks" as a 20-year-old could.  And might I venture the opinion that a lot of clothes that look ridiculous on a 55-year-old also look ridiculous on a 25-year-old?

But here, as always, we're being defined by our age.

.......................................

If you've seen my show, you know that I don't criticize the judicious use of plastic surgery.  (Just because I do a song about how gruesome it can be, set to the tune of "The Addams Family" theme song, doesn't mean I'm against it.)  Age bias absolutely permeates our culture, and we have to deal with that.  Sometimes a little plastic surgery can help us pursue our dreams, find romance, or simply make a living.

HOWEVER, I want to tell you about someone who died recently - from plastic surgery to tighten the skin under her neck.  She was only 54.  Ironically, Olivia Goldsmith (real name Justine Rendel) was a best-selling author who penned the comic novel THE FIRST WIVES CLUB, about women who get revenge after their husbands leave them for younger women.  Plastic surgery and huge, collagen-inflated lips figure prominently in the story.  (I don't know the circumstances of her own marriage and divorce, but she did write this book after her husband left.)  I hope you'll read her story.

I wish I could have met her; she was by all accounts funny and incisive, and, like me, she used humor as a hammer to bludgeon the "age thing."  Oh, how I wish she could have come to my show, but it is not to be.

I'll bet that before she went into surgery, she said (or at least thought) things like, "God, I'd rather die than have a turkey neck!"

(Speaking of "turkey neck," a website dedicated to pointing out the flaws of celebrities' faces has a picture of Liz Hurley - you know, that ugly old hag? - with aan arrow pointing to her neck and the words "TURKEY NECK!!!" screaming across the page.  No wonder people risk death to fix those little signs of aging.)

Anyway, in case you think that plastic surgery is no big deal, remember:  you can die from any surgery.  (Check out this story about recent plastic surgery deaths in Florida.)  If you're going to do it, make sure you're in superb health.  It wouldn't hurt to have your heart checked out; many people have undiagnosed heart problems.  Make sure the surgical facility you've chosen has a good safety record.  Talk with the anesthesiologist; if you've been under certain types of anesthesia before with no problem, you might not want to risk using a different kind. Tell the surgical staff if you're allergic to anything.  Follow all pre- and post-op instructions to the letter.

Maybe you would rather die than have a turkey neck, but let's try to avoid that, okay?

..........................................

To leave you in a better mood, let's close out with a dumb celebrity quote:

At a recent press conference with TV critics in L.A., the "American Idol" judges were asked about the importance of looks to a singing star.   After noting that Britney Spears, J-Lo and Beyonce were all good-looking, Simon Cowell added, "Madonna used to be good-looking."  Fellow "Idol" judges Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson groaned, and Cowell blurted out, "She's a housewife now!"

So's Jessica Simpson.  And looking like a housewife didn't hurt Clay Aiken, either.   I don't expect to be seeing Simon much this season, because I suspect that after that statement, Paula finally killed him.
 
 

Jan 13, 2004

One quick news item from the anti-aging industry to share today, and this one should actually be of interest to men:

The Neuzeller Kloster Brewery of Germany has developed "Anti-Aging Beer," which they plan to sell in grocery and drug stores.  They claim it contains added ingredients that slow the aging process (Vasoline Intensive Care Lotion, perhaps?)  But they may run afoul of a German law dating back to 1516 which states that anything called "beer" can only be made from barley, hops, yeast and water.

A company spokesman offered the ringing endorsement that Anti-Aging Beer "tastes like beer more than it tastes like anything else."  Oh, sure!  We heard that when they came out with lite beer!  Well, it had better not taste too bad, because you can't look younger when you have "Bitter Beer Face."

Say, if you drink enough anti-aging beer, do you get an "Extreme Hangover?"
 
 
 

Jan. 8, 2004

It's official!  "My Ship Has Sailed" will be returning to Dallas stages next month at Django on the Parkway, a wonderful supper club just off the Tollway at the Beltline exit in Addison!  The tentative date is Sunday, Feb. 22, which should be confirmed within 24 hours.  It will be an early dinner show, so you can enjoy Django's delicious and reasonably-priced food and full bar, see the show, and still get home early enough to make it into work the next day and tell all your co-workers to come back with you and see it again the next month!

Also, if you'd like to help us get our anti-ageism message out, we would really appreciate you clicking on the 2004 Bloggie Awards.  It would be unseemly to campaign openly for your vote, but if you are on the site and just happen to think of a certain hilarious, insightful, satirical site that deserves a pat on the back for its quixotic attacks on entrenched and accepted stereotypes about age and beauty, then who am I to say nay?

And now, a few items of interest, courtesy of the Dallas Morning News...

The paper reports that as a gift for National Nurses Week, nurses at HealthSouth Plano Rehabilitation Hospital were given free Botox injections.  One happily declared, "We're going to be the most beautiful nurses in the whole Metroplex."  At least, I assume she was happy; there was no way to tell from her facial expression.

I could see this catching on in a lot of workplaces, particularly lousy ones.  Your employees might be angry, disgruntled and depressed, but with free Botox as a perk, your customers will never be able to tell.   With any luck, it will even paralyze sweat glands, making sweatshops much more pleasant.

Those of you who simply must purchase all the newest wrinkle potions might also be interested in trying the oldest.  According to the DMN, you can now purchase "Creme Ancienne," a moisturizer modeled on "the world's first cream, created by Claudius Galenus (Marcus Aurelius' doctor) in the 2nd century A.D." (possibly for Joan Rivers) and made on the "pristine island of Tautra by the Nuns of the Cistercian Order."  And you know how hot those Tautran nuns are.  While you're on the island to buy moisturizer, though, you might want to dig around for a few chests of doubloons because a jar of it will set you back $250.  Apparently, these nuns are not interested in charity work.

I'll close out this entry with yet another brilliant quote from a celebrity.  Today's pearl of wisdom comes from the young jetsetting fashion model, Jade Jagger, who told the Times of London:

Considering that her family fortune is owed to people who were willing to buy albums with her dad, Mick Jagger's, picture on them, Jade might want to reconsider her prejudices against paying ugly people for their work.
 
 
 

Jan. 6, 2004

Sorry to be away so long, but the holidays were quite hectic.  I will be posting more commentary soon on outrageous news stories about age bias and beauty, as well as a review of "Something's Gotta Give" (short review: "See it!") and a definite date for the return of "My Ship Has Sailed" to the gorgeous new Django supper club in Addison.  I may also have a date soon for the show to appear in Ft. Worth.  In the meantime, I will definitely be appearing in Ft. Worth at the Scott Theater in the annual charity production of "The Vagina Monologues" on Feb. 7, which was apparently deemed to be the best time of the month for it.  Some people mistakenly think my show is just for women, but getting men to come see it is a piece of cake compared to dragging them to "The Vagina Monologues."  Still, it should be a great show, and I may be doing a song or two from "My Ship" at the "Afterglow" party, so if you're near Ft. Worth, please come out and see us and support the very worthy cause of helping abused women.

Since we are still enjoying the afterglow of Christmas, I'd like to share something with you that my husband Pat wrote and sent out to all our Comedy Wire clients and friends.  Since so much of "My Ship Has Sailed" is about the stupidity of confusing people's looks with their worth, I thought this fit very well into the topic and makes a wonderful point.  I warn  you, though, you'd better have Kleenex handy.  Here's the story of "Rosey, the Handicapable Cockatiel"...

Back?  Well, now that you're all teary-eyed, here are a few silly news items to get you back into a humorous mood.  More coming soon...

A two-year-old model/actor in Greenwich, Connecticut, cut his head at a playground and is suing the city for wages lost from jobs he can't take until his stitches heal.  Of course, by the time his stitches heal, he'll be too old to be a model.  Boy, only two years old, and he already has stitches in his face and a lawyer on speed dial!  He's a born model, all right.

Speaking of an unhealthy obsession with looks, a nightclub in Des Moines reportedly refused entry to a veteran who had lost both legs in Iraq because his tennis shoes (the only type of shoes that would fit his prosthetic legs) weren't classy enough for their dress code.  Yes, this place obviously epitomizes "class."  Say, isn't the name "Des Moines" French?...

Finally, a story I just love, from China's Information Times.  It seems that a 71-year-old man who claimed to be 66 on an online dating service made a date with a 68-year-old woman who was claiming to be 48.  They were both so embarrassed about the lies they'd told, the man sent his son on the date and the woman sent her daughter.  After their kids figured out the deception, they introduced their parents, who now plan to get married.  That way, they can lie to each other on a daily basis.  Frankly, I'm astounded the old man didn't propose to her daughter instead.

This leaves the 50-year-old son and the 40-year-old daughter still unattached, but naturally, she's way too old for him.
 
 
 

Dec. 4, 2003

CALENDAR GIRLS

I just saw a preview of the new British film CALENDAR GIRLS.  It opens in America in mid-December -- at least in a few major cities; wide release comes later, I think -- and it’s great!  You’ve got to see this one.

Here is a movie all about late bloomers!  In fact, the ladies in this film, prim Yorkshire gals who have never hitherto posed in the altogether, REMOVE their bloomers and every other stitch of clothing to make the very first creatively-nude calendar designed to raise money for a worthy cause (in this case, leukemia).

Though the script has elements of fiction, it’s based on the actual story of these women.  The actresses playing them, notably Helen Mirren and Julie Walters, create warm, charming and (yes) sexy grown-up characters of depth, experience and complexity.  It’s fascinating to watch them explore new ways of thinking about themselves.

Editorial note:  no, they are NOT “reinventing themselves.”  I hate that term; it implies artifice and contrivance.  Instead, they are recognizing and exploring aspects of themselves that have always been there but were repressed by convention.

But I digress.  The women are wonderful, but you’ll also enjoy watching the reactions of friends and husbands to their creative body-baring and the flurry of attention it receives.  The characters in the movie raise many thousands of dollars to fight leukemia, and they even get to go on the Tonight Show, just as the real-life women did.  “Calendar Girls” takes a close and entertaining look at the effects of fame -- even the fleeting kind -- on personalities and relationships.

Just a thought:  how often do you see a movie – especially an American movie – with a healthy crop of mature actresses who haven’t been snipped, pulled, stretched, tucked, contoured, rearranged, repositioned, resurfaced, augmented, lasered, suctioned, injected, implanted, color-corrected, starved, styled, waxed, plucked, perfectly made up and artfully lit?  I have nothing against the judicious use of plastic surgery (and a few of these women, let’s face it, could use some dentistry), but it takes a British import to show us natural-looking people.  American movies and TV are setting the standards of beauty, and there’s literally no limit, money-wise or any other-wise, to what actresses will do to keep young and beautiful.  Or at least unlined.

Enjoy “Calendar Girls”!

And now, a few items from the news...

A study by Britain's Harley Medical Group found that 64 percent of women who've had cosmetic surgery in the past two years said it was one of the best things they'd ever done.  And proving that it's better to have a sagging roof than sagging breasts, they said that home improvements and vacations were the top two things they had given up to pay for their surgery (also college: people are getting plastic surgery younger and younger).  It's just as well they sacrificed their vacations; if they went on a cruise, they'd only have to get liposuction afterwards.

It seems there's always some new thing to stick into your epidermis to make you look younger, and this week's innovation comes from Emory University, where researchers report great success with the chin sling.  It's a plastic lining that runs from ear to ear, implanted under the skin of the chin, and it lifts sagging necks.  If your neck sags more, they can just tighten the chin sling (apparently, they install bolts on both sides of your head, like the Frankenstein monster).  Out of 100 women who got it, 86 were so happy, they'd recommend it to their friends.  Or they would if they could open their mouths wide enough to talk.

(By the way, if this sounds good to you, go ahead and pay to have it professionally implanted.  Don't cheap out and just walk around with a chin sling hanging off your ears like a fake ZZ Top beard.)

One week before the Miss World Pageant in Shanghai, China, a young woman named Zhang Di was overjoyed when she beat out 49 other women to be named "the girl who would most benefit from plastic surgery" in the first "Miss Ugly" pageant.  She won a $12,000 extreme makeover from a local clinic.  That should qualify her to enter next year's Miss World pageant.

Finally, just to show that my message is as much for men as for women, here is some good news for male readers.  Proving that even Anna Nicole Smith can be right sometimes, researchers at the University of Arhus in Denmark found that senior citizens are more virile than young men.  A study of 1,000 men found that the average 20-year-old had half as many sperm as the average 60-year-old.  Of course, this could be because the 60-year-old has a lot more trouble getting rid of his surplus.

Unless he's very wealthy and/or Michael Douglas.
 
 
 

Nov. 17, 2003

It's been a very busy week.  Pat and I have been checking out venues that are interested in hosting the show, and several seem promising.  One standout is a wonderful new club on Beltline and the Tollway called Django.  We were there for the grand opening on Saturday night to see Johnny Reno perform.  It's designed for live music, with a raised stage, full lighting and sound system, a piano, plenty of booths and tables, an upscale cabaret/concert venue atmosphere, and good food at surprisingly reasonable prices.  It's also co-owned by our friend Teena, who is a manager at the Ruby Room and a big supporter of "My Ship Has Sailed," so this could be the place for us, at least for North Dallas.  I'll post dates as soon as it's definite.

In other news, there have been a lot of interesting comments about aging from celebrities recently.  Ellen DeGeneres told Dallas Morning News TV columnist Ed Bark that she always thought a talk show would be something she did later in life, and then she realized she was 45 and "that is 'later in life.'  In this business, 45 is ancient."  Isn't it ironic that as soon as you're old enough to finally have something interesting to say, you're too ancient to have a talk show?  But despite her advanced state of decrepitness, Ellen's show is doing very well in the ratings, so we'll consider it a victory for late bloomers.  (By the way, I saw Ellen giving away gift baskets of Perricone products to her audience.  Maybe she uses them herself.  That would explain why she looks so youthful, despite her antiquity.)

Joan Rivers also weighed in by opining that plastic surgery is like auto maintenance: it's just something you have to do every two years.  Except Joan seems to be one of those people whose car spends more time in the body shop than on the road, if you know what I mean.  When you're filling in your wrinkles with Bondo, you're overdoing it.

Then there is this, from "Sex & The City" star Sarah Jessica Parker, as quoted in the Internet Movie Database News:

"I've had no plastic surgery.  I've had no Botox, no collagen, nothing, no.  I have lines.  If the rest of my peers weren't doing it, I wouldn't think about it.  But it's a little hard to sit in a room with people who are younger and older than me and none of them have any lines.  It's an epidemic.  You go to an awards ceremony, or to the movies, or watch television and all you see is a mask.  Women's foreheads, and now men's foreheads, do not move."

Sounds like Sarah might appreciate my version of Madonna's "Frozen" ("A few injections, then you look great...You look like you are lying in state...").  These days, when actresses say they're "going over their lines," they don't mean they're rehearsing, they mean they're jabbing needles full of botulism into their faces.

Luckily, this will all soon come to an end (along with my career), thanks to the Raelians, that wacky religious sect that claims to have cloned a bunch of human babies but won't offer any proof.  They now claim to have found the secret of eternal youth, a way to use stem cells from a cloned embryo to shorten the DNA that stretches over time, reverse the damage done by aging and make everyone look 17 again.  Of course, every cosmetics company claims to be able to reverse the aging process, and they're all at least as reputable as the Raelians.  So this raises a few questions.  For instance: If our DNA gets longer as we age, how come old people get shorter?  If the Raelians can show us proof that they can create eternal youth from the cells of a cloned human baby, why are they still unable to show us a cloned human baby?  And would everyone want to be, say, 40, and have pimples again?  Enquiring minds want to know!  And that's where I expect this story to play out: in the Enquirer.
 
 

Nov. 3, 2003

Still working on the video demo.  Brian and I have some open dates in December, and we are debating whether to book a few shows in public venues (which we'd have to publicize) or do more private gigs.  Decisions, decisions!  Oh well, if you're planning a private party or corporate holiday event and want some great entertainment, give us a call and we'll see if our schedules match up!

If you are in the Ft. Worth area, mark Feb. 7 on your calendar.  I have been asked to perform in a charity production of "The Vagina Monologues" for "V-Day" at the Scott Theater.  I may also be doing a song or two from "My Ship Has Sailed" as part of the pre- or post-show entertainment.   Hope to see you there!

Finally, a couple of amazing new quotes on aging from celebrities.  First, from the Fashion Dallas section of the Dallas Morning News, there's this timeless wisdom from designer Diane von Furstenberg:
 

"It's great to be respected by women my age, but to be respected by the young girls, and they think you're hip, then you know, it's better than Botox."
 

I was astounded she could say that with a straight face, but then I remembered: "Oh yeah... Botox."

Also, singer/actress Mandy Moore, who is a ripe old 19, gave an interview to the A.P. in which she described posing for Vanity Fair with other hot young stars, such as Hilary Duff and the Olsen twins.  Moore said this:
 

"My God, at that photo shoot I felt so old!  I'm, like, there with all these 16-year-olds, and I'm, like, I did not dress like that when I was 16!  They are in these little low-slung pants, and tight tops, and they're all sexy...I felt really old."
 

Well, of course, she didn't dress like that when she was 16!  That was a different era!  Or maybe she just doesn't remember dressing like that because senility is creeping up on her.   Either way, at 19, she's, like, much too old to be dressing that way now.  At this point, Hollywood producers are probably already barking into their cell phones, "Get me a young Mandy Moore!"

I bet she'd be frowning about this, if it weren't for the Botox.
 
 

Oct. 30, 2003

The performance in Lakewood last Sunday went great: wonderful audience in a big, beautiful home from the 1920s.  Thanks to everyone who attended, and to the organizers, Marianna Armstrong and Susan Steinbach, for being such great hosts.   Brian and I really enjoy performing private gigs like this (we've found that they are some of our most responsive audiences), so if you'd like to host a private performance, please don't hesitate to call us.

Aside from working on our video demo and doing private gigs that we don't list on the website, we are also currently checking out at least five new venues where we can present the show to the general public again in the very near future.  They range from downtown Dallas to Lower Greenville Ave. to Prestonwood to Ft. Worth, and from nightclubs to restaurants to a coffee house.  If you have any preferences or suggestions, please drop me a line and let me know.

I've noticed a couple of interesting quotes about age from celebrities in the news this week that I'd like to share.  Columnist Cindy Adams had this quote from actress Juliette Binoche:
 

"I think 20 is a beautiful age but very difficult, 30 was better, 40 . . . who knows? It will be strange for me as an actress because I will have to learn different ways to be seductive."
 

Juliette, honey, if you plan to work in Hollywood after age 40, good luck finding a role that allows you to be seductive. As Goldie Hawn once noted, "There are only three ages for women in Hollywood:  Babe, District Attorney and Driving Miss Daisy."

Also today comes word from a British tabloid that Kylie Minogue is hanging up her hot pants, and no, not just to air them out.  The paper claims that at 35, Kylie thinks she's now too old to show her famous bottom in public anymore.  Of course, Simon Cowell would say she's too old to show her face in public anymore.  From what I've seen of Kylie, I suspect this means her singing career is over.   Still, 35 seems awfully young to be putting your butt out to pasture.  Perhaps her bottom is aging faster than most because it's exposed to so much light.
 
 

Oct. 16, 2003

Tonight is our final performance at the Ruby Room, where this show was launched and where we've met so many terrific people over the past seven weeks.  We hate to say goodbye to this club and hope we'll be able to return soon, since its cool, early-'60s retro setting is perfect for our show.  One lady in the audience last week who was a true theater and cabaret connoisseur told us it reminded her of the great shows she used to see in supper clubs in Manhattan many years ago, which was high praise indeed.  And she told us she was a friend of Tony Bennett's, so we were doubly humbled and impressed.

Brian has to tour out of state for a couple of weeks with a jazz band, so we're taking a little time off to produce a video demo and some marketing materials and to scout out new venues, preferably some that serve dinner, since so many people have asked for that.  If you know of (or own) such a restaurant or club, don't hesitate to give us a call!

On the news front, you might be interested in this story, which is no surprise to those of us who work in radio, or to anyone who has seen "My Ship Has Sailed."  It's about how older country singers (the one genre that used to venerate its elders) like Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton can no longer get airplay, no matter how good their records are, unless they cut duets with hip young stars.  As if a #1 hit like "It's 5 O'clock Somewhere" would not have been worth listening to if Jimmy Buffett had recorded it solo rather than with Alan Jackson.  Or heaven forbid, if Jimmy Buffett had recorded it with Lacy J. Dalton!  Sure, she's the greatest female country singer on earth, but she's over 50!  Who'd want to listen to the voice of someone that old?  Other than my husband Pat, that is, who plays her records to death, along with recent albums by Don Williams, Merle Haggard and a whole lot of other people whose undiminished talents just aren't enough to garner them radio play anymore because - gasp! - they have gray hair.  Although how people can tell that over the radio remains a mystery.   When we solve it, I'll get back to you...
 
 

Oct. 14, 2003

Fox entertainment columnist Roger Friedman has noticed that local TV newscasts in New York City have a tendency to discard women over 40 just as they reach the peak of their skills and experience and replace them with young chippies who couldn't pronounce "Pataki" if Henry Higgins coached them for a month.  He also notes that many older actresses are being written out of soap operas, often by having them die in those creatively macabre ways the soaps are so famous for.   Maybe they should just have them put some vanishing cream on their wrinkles and disappear entirely.  Click HERE to read the full story.  It's at the bottom of the column, after the story about Uma Thurman.  Of course, this is Fox, so Uma must come before the women over 40...

I also got a nice note from Harriet G., who had been to see "My Ship Has Sailed."  She wrote to share a whimsical observation that we can all relate to:

"I realized I had passed the point of no return when I found myself calling a saleswoman 'miss' and she was calling me 'ma'am,' when it used to be the other way 'round..."
 
 
 

Aug. 7, 2004

Just eight days until showtime, and Django has yet to get us onto their online calendar, so if you have an email list of friends, please pass the word around.  This is the last public show we currently have scheduled for Django, and with the TV special and other distractions, I'm not certain when we'll be back.  It may be another five or six weeks, so please come see us next Sunday, the 15th!

Before we get to the funny stuff, here is a must-read serious article from the New York Post by Hope Donohue, who was literally addicted to plastic surgery.  She's written a book about how her poor self-image nearly destroyed her life.  It's called Beautiful Stranger, and I can't wait to read it, even though it sounds more like a horror story than a memoir.

The Post also has a good sidebar article about a top Manhattan plastic surgeon who actually discourages people from going overboard.  He warns against some procedures, particularly for certain people, and says that learning to say "no" is a "giant step for plastic surgeons everywhere."  His book (out in October) is called "A Little Work: Behind the Doors of a Park Avenue Plastic Surgeon."    A sample quote:  "Some people believe that if they don't smile, they won't have smile lines, but that's just ridiculous.  There are only two things you can do to make a difference in your skin: Protect it from the sun and do not smoke.   Otherwise, hope for good genes."

And, of course, eat lots and lots of salmon.

********************************************

One way you can tell you're addicted to plastic surgery is that you run out of things to do to yourself and start body-sculpting your cow.  Believe it or not, this has become so common, Tasmania's Agricultural Show Council has passed new rules to stop the rising tide of cattle breeders giving cosmetic surgery to cows to help them win blue ribbons.  A spokesman said when cows are in a show, they want them to be natural, not surgically enhanced (sounds like we have higher standards for cows than we do for actresses).  For instance, they seal or glue the cows' teats or pump up their stomachs to expand them, sort of the reverse of what they do to Miss Universe contestants.

I hope the cows don't become addicted to plastic surgery after they get all that work and still come out looking like cows.

**********************************************

And from the "(Some) Men Are Real Oinky-Oink Pigs" Department:

Police in Constanta County, Romania, want a ban on topless women over 60 at the Black Sea beach because they're getting complaints that it's "ugly" and may harm tourism.  Police chief Victor Popescu said old women should know that "going topless has its age limit," and patrolmen on the beach say they're often sickened by the sight.  One said, "It's always a pleasure to see a young woman, who also has to be beautiful of course, topless on the beach," but old topless women are "sometimes quite repulsive."  He says he understands wanting to get a uniform tan, "but old women should simply give up on it."

This from a bunch of cops who probably live on a diet of donuts.

I understand why they want only beautiful young topless women on the beach, because they attract lots of ugly, old, fat men tourists in Speedos.   But here's a news flash for those cops: If those young, beautiful women keep sunning their bare breasts, they just might look like prunes themselves by the time they're 30.  Then the older women may be the hottest-looking chicks on the beach.  But don't expect them to sleep with any cops anytime soon.
 
 
 

Aug. 5, 2004

Walk into any mega-bookstore, and you'll see an entire aisle marked "Aging" or "Midlife."  These are the books that tell you that your age doesn't matter, marketed to people age 40 and up.

Without necessarily saying that I'm a part of that demographic group, I decided to read two of them.

The first one is called Age-Less, written by Fredric Brandt, M.D., with Patricia Reynoso.  Dr. Brandt, in practice as a dermatologist for over 20 years, is billed as the largest user of injectable collagen and Botox in the world; let's hope his claim isn't just referring to personal use.  He was actively involved in the FDA clinical trials that led to the approval of Botox and also participated in trials for collagen and Restylane.  He says that he "personally tests every procedure and product innovation on himself and his devoted patients."  (Wait a minute...isn't that how Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde?)

Patricia Reynoso is credited as the senior beauty editor at W magazine who has written extensively about skin care.  Let's hope they also had the assistance of a pharmacist in creating the final draft.  Who else would be able to decipher a doctor's handwriting?

Anyway, after reading this book, I know everything I could possibly want to know about Botox.  Personally, I have not ever gotten 'tox"-ed (though I have sung about it!), but Dr. Brandt assures me that, in the right hands, Botox doesn't freeze the expression.  I guess there are a lot of wrong hands, because I'm seeing more and more actors (male and female) and TV personalities whose brows never furrow and whose eyes never narrow the slightest bit, even when they're being photographed outdoors in bright sun.  (I'm resisting the temptation to "go tabloid" and name names.)  Presumably, these celebrities have access to the best of the best, Botox-wise, so Dr. Brandt's idea of what looks "frozen" likely differs from mine.  His view will probably end up being the dominant one; I'm sure that in the not-too-distant future, the sight of someone squinting in bright light will just seem...unnatural!

Dr. Brandt says that he pioneered the Botox "neck-lift."  I hadn't heard of this and wonder if most dermatologists even do it.  He injects Botox into the neck - pardon me while I breathe for a few moments.  Ah, now I can continue - INTO THE NECK to bring about a lift to the jawline and a softer look to the neck.  Yikes!  We may assume he tried this procedure on himself first, and he says there is no pain.  Not having met Dr. Brandt, I have to say he's one of the most courageous men I have never met.

I've always carried a lot of tension around in my neck and shoulders.  Maybe Botox in my neck would be just the thing.  On the other hand, I've learned from my voice teacher how to relax the muscles in my throat.  I'm also using a great "cervical" pillow, recommended by a chiropractor, and I think my neck does look softer and more relaxed than it did a year ago.  Sunscreen and good skincare don't hurt, either.  So I think I'll look presentable enough without Botox in the neck, thank you.  At least for now.

At the time this book went to press, Restylane was still awaiting approval from the FDA, so Dr. Brandt was recommending bovine collagen as the "injectable" of choice.  (I've never had my face injected with collagen, either, so this chapter made for interesting reading.)  Then he discusses up-and-coming products, and Restylane does sound like a good, natural, long-lasting "filler."  Of course, there are numerous other products on the market, especially in Europe and South America, that are probably close chemical equivalents of bathroom caulk (medical grade -- if you're lucky).  These include permanent fillers like injectable silicone, which will never go away no matter how awful they've made you look.  I've heard horror stories about the doctors in South America, but believe me, there are plenty of doctors right here in the U.S.A. who will give you anything you want  (just ask Michael Jackson), whether it's approved or not.  How they stay out of jail, let alone keep their licenses, is beyond me.  So consider yourself warned:  before asking for - or agreeing to -- any product or procedure, you'd better have done your homework!

I suppose that part of that homework, if you're seeking some cosmetic help short of plastic surgery, would be to read this book, even though it's a little out of date.  (All these books go out of date fast.)

The second book is The Five Principles of Ageless Living by model and motivational speaker Dayle Haddon.

Dayle - I feel I know her as a friend after reading her book, so I'll call her Dayle --  started modeling as a teenager and became hugely successful, but lost her husband as she neared 40, and her life changed sadly and abruptly.  Through bad management, her money was gone, too.  At her age, she could get no modeling work at all.  She found out what it's like to be rejected simply because of one's age.  But she didn't give up; instead, she went to beauty industry executives and convinced them that they should advertise to women of all ages.  She became a spokesperson for L'Oreal, as well as a bestselling author and motivational speaker.  And from the tone of her book, I can tell she would be a wonderful motivational speaker.

This is a lovely, inspirational book by a deeply compassionate and unflaggingly positive woman.  (I hope she would be able to laugh at some of my more satirical comments and song lyrics; there's not a moment of negativism in her text.)  This book would be especially valuable for the woman who has never really taken the time out of her busy life to examine her own needs and desires for her future.  Dayle encourages "ageless living" - in her words, "We live agelessly when we free ourselves from our preconceived limitations of age, when we live unrestricted by a date on our driver's license."

Question, please?  If the idea for a fulfilling life is to live agelessly, why is this book targeted only to those who are 40-plus?

Time after time in the book, Dayle mentions 40 as the approximate age at which women have gained the wisdom, compassion and life experience to start rocking their own worlds, as well as the understanding that life is finite and must be explored to the fullest.  Yes, this is true for many 40-year-old women.  But I hope to meet Dayle someday and tell her that I would have gained perspective from reading her book at age 30...even 20.  That's true not only for the inspirational parts but even for the medical advice; how I wish I'd known about the importance of calcium and sunscreen when I was 20.

Life does not happen according to a timetable, folks!  Some women are leading unexamined lives at 40, even 50.  Some women (and men) never really wise up.  We all lead different lives.  Physically, we age differently; I recently met a woman my age who looked old enough to be my mother.  Our careers follow many different arcs.  We get married and have children at different times; my niece is only 18, but she's already married and expecting a baby! When I was 18, I was living in a college dorm.  My niece's life will be vastly different from mine - I've never been pregnant (or even changed a diaper) and will never know what it's like to be a grandmother.  My niece may reach that stage of wisdom/compassion/desire much sooner than I did.

As for me, my epiphany didn't happen because of any significant birthday.  It happened after I was successfully treated for a medical condition that had limited my activities for quite some time.   Meniere's Disease, cause unknown, affects the ability of the inner ear (in my case, the left one) to control balance; it causes excruciatingly long sessions of violent vertigo and nausea that I wouldn't wish on anyone, except perhaps Osama bin Laden.  My onstage life was effectively derailed.  Three years ago, I was successfully treated at The University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center.  That was quite a process; I had to gradually learn how to balance myself again with just the sensory information from my right ear.

After several months, when my recovery was complete and I was remembering what it was like to feel good, I looked around at the world and wondered, "Whatever happened to me?"  Now, if I'd been "cured" at age 30, 40, 50 or even 60, I would have looked around in just the same way.  I would have had that same feeling of wanting to make up for lost time.  As it was, I felt cheated out of years of my life, and it had nothing to do with reaching "midlife" on the calendar.

I hope to meet Dayle someday, hear her speak, and suggest to her that she could better illustrate the wonderful concept of "ageless living" by communicating to women of all ages.

Perhaps it was her publisher's idea to target the book to women over 40.  No doubt that's the group the marketing department had identified as affluent and growing, with needs to be met.  In truth, I believe that most of the age-ism in our world today is the fault of marketers.  Divide and conquer, that's their M.O.  And it's not just age.  If you or I thought of people strictly in terms of their race, sex, income and neighborhood, we'd be rightly thought of as racists, sexists and snobs.  But if a marketing professional does this, he's just doing his job.

Which brings me to More magazine.  Now, I often read More magazine and have found much of value in it.  But I was recently paging through the July/August issue (with Sigourney Weaver on the cover), and suddenly had the most awful feeling of rage!  This is a magazine that I would think is dedicated to the philosophy of "ageless living."  It's always talking about breaking boundaries and exploding misconceptions about age.  But when you really examine this magazine, the whole thing is ABOUT AGE!!!  Virtually every page is a reminder that you're in that "40-plus" group.  No one under 40 is even mentioned; in fact, I believe that's editorial policy.  Every woman is identified by her exact age.  This magazine makes just as big a deal about age as the rest of our world does, perhaps even more.  The only difference is, they put a positive spin on it.  Actually, I think they put so much effort into putting on that spin, they've in danger of spinning out.  Yes, it's true:  More magazine is age-obsessed.

Okay, professional marketers, I have had enough.  If you want to target me, target me because I love to make a beautiful home, enjoy the arts, seek out great clothes (especially pants with a 34-inch inseam), appreciate fine food and wine, like organic gardening but need to keep it low-maintenance, have a professional-grade sense of humor, care deeply for animals (especially birds), am fascinated by history and period architecture, and crave un-spun, factual information about what's happening in the world.  I am not defined by my age.  Don't target me for my age!!!  Just stop it right now!  If you keep doing this, I'll see right through you, and you haven't seen resistance like mine.

At the same time, I have to mention that after I had cooled down long enough to pick up the magazine I'd flung across the room (sorry, Sigourney), I found a really enjoyable column in that issue of More.  It's the "Viewpoint" by Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly, in which she critiques a pile of self-help books marketed to "midlife" women.  She actually sounds a lot like me.  That must be why I like her.  And I'm sure I'll find much more of interest as I read through.  But, please, please, More magazine:  back off from the constant age drumbeat.  We all know how old we are.  Jeez.  Sometimes you need to just get off it.

Well, I'd better stop ranting (it's hard, though) so I can get this off to you today.  But very soon, I'll have an update on those celebrity tabloids that you and I never read.  You know, the ones with fully-illustrated articles that have titles like "The Best And Worst Celebrity Boobs And Butts."  Is it any wonder that celebrities get plastic surgery?

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I have a ton of great goofy news stories, but since I've ranted on so long, I'll include just a couple now and add more tomorrow. But these are too good to wait...

A health spa in Klagenfurt, Austria, is offering the ultimate fantasy: a soak in a bath full of melted chocolate.  It's drawing lots of customers who believe the chocolate has restorative properties for skin, including preventing wrinkles.  A spa worker said visitors are encouraged to splash around in it, but they're not allowed to eat any because it's "too fattening" (Also because a lot of wrinkly Austrians have been bathing in it.)

But if you do eat it and get fat, your wrinkles will fill out, so what the heck, dive right in!

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Mentor Corp. will air the first prime time TV commercials for a specific brand of breast implants during ABC's "Extreme Makeover" next fall.  They say the saline implant spots will not be sexy, but "classy and elegant" with general information and scenarios showing a working woman or mom.  Ad experts said it's an unusual ad for TV because this is normally a choice that's between a woman and her doctor, and it's a product that's never seen once it's in use.  Unless it's a really bad boob job.

This is really nothing new.  "Extreme Makeover" has never been anything but a 60-minute commercial for breast implants.
 
 
 

Aug. 3, 2004

Sorry these postings are coming less frequently, but I've been very busy.  The interview filming for the TV special got put off until next week, which will delay the show a bit, and it necessitated a lot of schedule juggling.  It also means the show definitely won't air before our August 15th show at Django.  So please come on out, and if you know anyone who'd enjoy our show, please send them an email or give them a call and tell them to come see us!  We need all the promotion we can get!

I'm working on a longer essay on a serious topic, but here's a celebrity story to tide you over.  It seems Halle Berry has come out against plastic surgery, claiming that people who get it to look younger are "insane" (she doesn't make any diagnoses of the mental state of people who get nose jobs so they can be movie stars).

Halle said women start mutilating their faces in their thirties, and it's a slippery slope, where you pull one side tight, then you think, "Oh my God, I've got to do the other side" (funny, I assumed most people did both sides at once -- maybe some surgeons do facelifts on the installment plan.)   Halle ruefully added that "Beauty is essentially meaningless, and it is always transitory," and that "being thought of as 'a beautiful woman' has spared me nothing in life.  No heartache, no trouble..."

Still, it is the only reason anyone's going to see "Catwoman."  And she may find that when she's no longer thought of as "a beautiful woman" but instead as an "older woman," she will have "no work."
 
 
 

July 29, 2004

Every so often, I run across a story that seems to be tailor made for writing jokes, but upon closer inspection, it's too sad and I just can't do it.  This is one of those stories.  If, like me, you have a morbid fascination with plastic surgery addicts, you must read this.  It's about a very intelligent woman whose unhappy childhood led her to have lots of plastic surgery in a desperate attempt to feel attractive, including embarking on a painful quest to have the biggest breasts in Great Britain.  Warning: contains a topless photo that is really more disturbing than erotic.

On a lighter note (I suppose, although this is actually quite similar to the first story), Anna Nicole Smith has posed nude again, only this time she did it to prove that her weight loss is thanks to TrimSpa, baby, and not stomach-stapling surgery.  She wanted to show there are no scars on her stomach.  Because how else could she prove that, other than by posing fully nude?  I'm sure Anna Nicole couldn't think of any other way.

The ironic part is that she's posing nude to prove she hasn't had surgery, yet if it weren't for surgery, Anna Nicole Smith might never have been asked to pose nude in the first place.
 
 

July 27, 2004

I'm getting ready for the next show at Django on Aug. 15 and will be cutting some interview footage next week for the TV special.  My makeup will be done by Donatelle, the "Makeup Maven," a regular Rembrandt of war paint, whom I highly recommend for anything from headshots to weddings.  Click here to learn more about her.  And now, let's catch up on the news...
 

Some people claim red wine can keep you looking younger and sexier, and I don't mean by getting your significant other too drunk to see straight.  No, they say wine is actually good for the breasts (that's why wine glasses are shaped the way they are.  It's no coincidence: they're made for soaking).

Red wine is rich in vitamin E, and proponents claim that applying it directly to the breasts nourishes the skin, making it healthy and elastic and restoring firmness.  Las Ultimas Noticias reports that in Buenos Aires, there's a fad in beauty salons for creams made with red wine, or treatments that pour wine directly onto the breasts and rub it in.  If they're doing it in Buenos Aires, it must be good for fake breasts, too.

I can just imagine all the straight guys who are now considering quitting their jobs, moving to Argentina and going to work in beauty salons.  Giving those treatments would probably do wonders for their heart rates.

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This November in Beijing, China, women from across Asia will compete in the first beauty contest for women who've had plastic surgery (as if all the other beauty contests aren't!)  The title is "Miss Plastic Surgery," and I assume the crown goes to her surgeon.  The contestants so far include a woman from Hebei province who's had 13 operations, or what Pamela Anderson calls "The Starter Kit."  To avoid having women subject themselves to bungled rush jobs, participants' surgery must have been completed no later than May 29 of this year, so Michael Jackson can't compete.  Good thing the producers of "The Swan" had no such qualms.

Let me know if you enter.  And if you lose, don't feel bad.  Just have more plastic surgery and enter again next year.

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That icon of age defiance, Cher (whom I mention in my act) is making news this week.  First, she announced that she's added another North American leg to her "Farewell" tour that's been going on for three years now.  Talk about "The Long Goodbye!"  She's added so many legs, it should be called "The Millipede Tour."

And more good news for gay guys: Cher hasn't even left yet, and she's already back!  The Logo network, a new cable channel that is targeting gay, lesbian and transgender viewers, announced plans for a new show hosted by Cher and her lesbian activist daughter Chastity Bono.  I hear the guests will all be transsexuals who look just like Cher, except it took them less surgery than it did her.

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Finally today, while my crusade is against ageism, it's not the only thing actresses have to battle in Hollywood.  There's also the taboo against having an ounce of fat on your body.

Kirstie Alley admits she has tarried a bit long at the catering table in recent years, but she's now swallowing her pride to poke fun at herself and at Hollywood's ideas about weight in a new show she created and sold to Showtime.  It's oxymoronically entitled "Fat Actress."   It will include improvised scenes of the life of an overweight celebrity, inspired by Alley's real life coping with Hollywood's obsession with weight and beauty, her own weight gain and her problems finding a relationship and getting work.  (Come on, she's over 40: she wouldn't be getting work, anyway).

Sometimes when I say that age is the last culturally-acceptable bias, people say, "Well, what about weight?" or "What about baldness?"  My theory is that it all comes back to age: people don't want to be fat or bald because they associate being slim and having hair with youth.   Which is ridiculous, since there seem to be millions of American teenagers these days who have shaved heads and weigh 300 pounds.

Anyway, hats off to Kirstie Alley for turning a problem into a career move and selling it to Showtime (even though they probably wanted to buy the idea and cast Lara Flynn Boyle in it).  Showtime will begin filming "Fat Actress" as soon as Kirstie loses 30 pounds.
 
 
 

July 23, 2004

Plastic surgery has become so omnipresent (soon, I expect to see an entire TV network that shows nothing but plastic surgery operations -- as opposed to all the other TV networks, which show nothing but plastic surgery recipients) that stories about it often go unnoticed, other than here.  But here's a story that seems to be popping up everywhere.  It's really captured people's imaginations:

The New Yorker reports that members of all four branches of the U.S. military are being offered free plastic surgery.  Enlistees and their family members can get facelifts, nosejobs, liposuction and even breast enlargements at taxpayer expense, as long as their commanders approve the time off. Between 2000 and 2003, military doctors performed 496 breast enlargements (guess our army won't be able to travel on its stomach anymore).

This has sparked the expected objections by everyone from anti-plastic surgery feminists to tax money watchdog groups.  But an Army spokesperson explained all the beautification by saying, "Military surgeons have to have someone to practice on."   Honestly, would you let Frank Burns from "MASH" hone his plastic surgery skills on you? You do realize the problem with being a guinea pig for a plastic surgeon is that you may actually end up looking like a guinea pig?  At least when you get a bad haircut from an Army barber, it eventually grows back.  Noses don't grow back (just ask Michael Jackson).

And I wonder if the breast implants are saline, silicone or Navy surplus torpedo shells, like the ones Anna Nicole Smith got?

Oh well, maybe this will make our "shock and awe" campaigns even more effective.  We'll leave the enemy stunned just because our troops are so damned stunning.
 
 
 

July 22, 2004

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who came to the DCTV taping of "My Ship Has Sailed" on July 18 at Django.  The place was packed with old friends and new, and I could not have asked for a more supportive and responsive audience!  I haven't seen the footage yet but am assured it came out very well.  (At the risk of sounding like Blanche DuBois, I just hope the light was flattering.  I have to look young and beautiful while doing my show about age bias!)

Director David Clements will be shooting some interview-style footage of me to intercut with moments from the show.  That's right, I get another opportunity to hop onto my soapbox, just the way I do here, to make my point about age-obsession.  As you might imagine, I can't wait.

I also understand that several members of the audience went before the camera to give comments.  Thanks so much for your input; I'm really eager to see it.

Many of you came up to me after the show to say that it really strikes a nerve -- that nobody else is really taking on the issue of age bias/obsession.  Even Brian (my music director and accompanist) beamed at me as he was packing up his van and said, "Wow…this is growing!"  And it's true:  we started small, last September, in the relatively tiny but very cool Ruby Room on Greenville Avenue.  (The Ruby Room has since closed, but we had good crowds there so, hey, it's not my fault!)  We had no budget at all for the show; my husband Pat became my unpaid "PR slave" and also my webmaster, even though he'd never created a website before.  Sometimes he drives to an all-night Kinko's at 3 AM to print the flyers and programs.  My glamorous dress really did come from Marshall's, marked down 80 percent.  We have come a long way, and this is just the beginning!

Sunday's taping was a wonderful experience for me.  Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you and sing my silly songs.  I believe more strongly than ever that this is what I was born to do.  (It doesn't matter when.)  Laughter has the power to change the world – and helps get us through in the meantime.

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And now, a little news...

Sharon Stone is in the headlines, for being 46 YEARS OLD and posing seductively in her skimpies for an artful black-and-white spread in Rolling Stone magazine.

By the way, if I didn't mention it, the reason Stone's photos are getting so much press is that she is 46 YEARS OLD.  This is the most important thing you need to know about Sharon Stone.  46 YEARS OLD.  In fact, any time that any actress over 40 manages to look gorgeous, with or without clothes, the slant will be how AMAZING it is that she looks fabulous, considering she's really an OLD HAG OVER 40!  OH, MY GOD, SHE'S OVER 40!!!  SHE MUST BE SOME KIND OF FREAK OF NATURE!!  SHE'S DEFYING THE LAWS OF GRAVITY!!!  HOW LONG CAN SHE DO IT???  HOW MANY HOURS OF PHOTOSHOP DID THEY NEED TO FIX ALL THOSE UNSIGHTLY AND EMBARRASSING SIGNS OF – gasp -- AGE???

Okay, Laura, take a deep breath and calm down.  Much better…

My point is, I just don't understand why this story has to be about Sharon Stone's age.  Yes, she looks great.  And, sure, she's probably had a little help, but so have most professional models and actresses, regardless of age.  (Remember, they receive the benefits of PhotoShop, too.)  The standards of beauty are almost impossibly high today for every woman in the public eye.

Ironically, Stone's villainous role in the upcoming movie "Catwoman" is that of a former supermodel who will stop at nothing – nothing, I tell you! – to halt the aging process and achieve eternal youth.  (Considering the outrageous acting in this movie, the secret of youth probably has something to do with chewing scenery.)  Stone herself is philosophical about getting older:

“I don't want to be one of those actresses with a baby-doll hairdo at 90.  My body is skinny now.  Let's gracefully surrender the things of youth, shall we?”  And, “I will not go around saying I'm 35 because I do not believe in that…I really like what this movie has to say about finding out who you are and then giving yourself the power to just be yourself.”

Hear, hear!  Now if the media would just relax about “the age thing,” she wouldn't have to decide how old she wanted to “be,” because they wouldn't even be asking her, because it would be irrelevant.  It would be like asking her for her blood type or shoe size.

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Here's a bit of trivia about me:  Like Sharon Stone, I've played a villainous character obsessed with youth.  She was the sorceress Morgan La Fey, King Arthur's evil half-sister in the musical "Camelot."   Morgan is actually hundreds of years old, but she gives the illusion of being very beautiful; she uses her magic powers to keep from ever looking over 20.  Playing her was great fun.  I have to admit, too, it did make me feel good to know that I could be considerably over 20 and still get cast in this role.  (Of course, I never told my actual age – why should I?)

Just think, if Morgan were around today and could bottle and sell her potion, she'd be richer than Bill Gates.  Just from the TV anchorwoman market alone.

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Speaking of “older women” showing off their great bodies, I just saw a beautifully made – and achingly sad – movie called "The Door In The Floor," starring Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger.  I was really moved by the performances, particularly Basinger's, whose character in this film has been crushed by tragedy.  Most of her suffering is internalized, unexpressed, but the audience feels every shallow breath, senses the effort her heart has to make just to keep beating.  The tiny lines etched into her still-beautiful face seem not so much a reflection of her age as of the tissue-thin fragility of her emotions.

Basinger does show her body in this film, and, of course, she looks beautiful.  Mimi Rogers, in a smaller role, shows quite a bit more of hers.  (Yes, we do see the natural effects of gravity here, but Rogers is posing for an artist.  It seems to me that most artists who paint the female form LIKE those feminine slopes and curves.)  And of course, it should come as no surprise that the feature stories I've read about this movie make a huge deal about THE AGE OF THE ACTRESSES who appear nude.

The film received high praise from critics and is doing well in limited release.  I have to admit, one reason I went to see it was to send movie studios the message that the box office for movies starring grown-up people can be strong.  This is the only way we're going to get more of them.
 
 

July 19, 2004

Still recuperating from the show/TV taping on Sunday.   A million thanks to everyone who came out, packed Django and supported me!   And our apologies for the delay in starting, which was largely caused by Django having an unexpected wait staff shortage.  That should not happen again at our next show on August 15, since that show will include a serve-yourself buffet dinner.

I'm also recuperating from a nasty cold/sore throat which I managed to sing through.  So I'll just post a few stories about age and beauty, and talk more about the show later...

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Scientists at Australia's St. Vincent's Institute of Medical Research are developing a pill that simulates the effects of an exercise workout (it makes you sweaty and cranky and paranoid about how you look in spandex?)  Many companies worldwide are working on such a pill, but the Australians have made a breakthrough by unlocking an enzyme that accelerates metabolism and turns off the synthesis of fat and cholesterol.  But before couch potatoes get too excited, a researcher says it might help burn fat and cholesterol, but if you want six-pack abs, no pill will do it, even if you wash the pill down with a six pack.  No, you'll still have to exercise.  Unfortunately, walking to the medicine cabinet to get the pill is more exercise than most people want to do.

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The FDA warned that more than 50 Americans have suffered adverse reactions to tattooed-on permanent makeup, including swelling, cracking, peeling, blistering, scarring, disfigurement and difficulty in eating and talking.  And that's just Michael Jackson.  Okay, so it sounds a little dangerous -- but it's such  a time-saaver in the morning!

My big concern about this is, what if makeup styles change and yours is permanent?  Imagine spending 2004 with the same tropical fish-style eye shadow that was popular in 1968.

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Kirsten Dunst ordered the designers of the "Spider-Man 2" video game to "tone down the boobs" on her character, saying they had been inflated to "ridiculous" proportions.  They were like something out of a comic book!  It looked as if she'd been bitten by a radioactive milkcow.

I have to give credit to Kirsten.  Most Hollywood actresses would've just run to a plastic surgeon and gotten ridiculously inflated breasts that matched the video game.

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After 45 years on top of the toy market, sales of Barbie products have suffered a 13 percent drop worldwide. Mattel is trying to reverse Barbie's sagging bottom line with a mid-life makeover.  She's dumped long-time boyfriend Ken for an Australian surfer doll, is getting trendier makeup and fashions, and will appear in some hip new variations, such as an "American Idol" Barbie (she dumps Ken for the more macho Clay Aiken doll).  This sounds more like Mid-Life Crisis Barbie.

Well, good luck to her, getting onto "American Idol" at the age of 45.  Simon Cowell will probably suggest that she get that sagging bottom line shored up with a Brazilian butt lift.

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Finally, some news that will make Dr. Perricone shudder:  according to a new study, almost one-quarter of the calories consumed by the average American come from junk foods, such as candy, ice cream, chips, soda and cheese curls.  And the rest come from healthy foods, such as deep-fried pizza.

They made a pie chart to illustrate this, but someone mistook it for a pie and ate it.
 
 
 

July 16, 2004

The big day is fast approaching (the Sunday show/TV taping) and the club is filling up!  Thanks to everyone for making reservations.  We are almost at capacity, but there's a bit more room, so if you want to be there, please call in ASAP!  And remember, if you can't make it to this one, there's a dinner show coming up Aug. 15.

We're adding a bass player for this Sunday's show, and I'm going in for a rehearsal with him and Brian this afternoon.  Not much spare time for blogging, but here are a few stories to keep you updated...

To start off with a major one, "American Idol" is raising its age limit for singers!  As many of you know, one of the major inspirations for "My Ship Has Sailed" was the way "AI" put an arbitrary limit on how old a singer can be before officially being declared useless.  But the producers now admit that they were rejecting too many talented singers, so they're raising the maximum age...from 26 to 28!  (So if your grandma can sing, wake her up and tell her opportunity's knocking!)

The producers explain in this story that there is still an age limit of 28, because, after all, the winner needs to be young enough to have a career as a pop singer.  And we can't expect the kids to buy records by an old crone of 29, can we?

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Pulitzer Prize-winning editor Nancy Ruhling is suing New York Newsday for $60 million, claiming they've subjected her to a campaign of harassment and humiliation since she refused an early retirement buyout (she's 47, which she thought was a tad too early for retirement, but she says Newsday's bosses wanted to replace her with someone younger, hipper and cheaper).  She claims one of her principal duties is now the most demeaning thing the bosses could think of: she has to go through the daily comics, looking to see if any cartoonists have drawn in butt cracks, and edit them out.   She hasn't seen any butt cracks, but she has had to draw pants on Snoopy, Garfield and Marmaduke.

Funny, I don't recall ever seeing any butt cracks in the comics, but it sounds like there are a lot of A-holes at New York Newsday.

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Travel not only broadens you, it now makes you rounder.   Argentina's Pagina 12 newspaper reports that the American travel agency Plenitas Health & Leisure is offering all-inclusive vacations to Buenos Aires that combine tango lessons and a range of plastic surgery procedures.  Apparently, a lot of people think it's a great idea to head to South America for plastic surgery that's banned by the FDA because the most popular package is a week's worth of tango lessons combined with silicone breast implants.  (If you get the really big ones before taking tango lessons, you may also have to get your arms lengthened.)

Be sure to get both breasts done.  Remember: it takes two to tango.

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A survey by Britain's Norwich Union Healthcare found that women are feeling more pressure than ever to regain their figures quickly after giving birth.  With all they have to worry about, almost half of new moms said their #1 concern after having a baby was losing weight, largely because of the social pressure sparked by celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Moss, who make it look easy.  (Come on!  I'll bet that even when Kate Moss was nine months pregnant, she just looked like she'd swallowed an orange whole.)  One obstetrician told the London Daily Telegraph that normal moms need to realize celebrities have a vested interest in looking great quickly and can take time off to work out every day with paid trainers.

Just as soon as they recover from the liposuction and tummy tuck, of course.

Or they can take the easy way to preserve their figures and just buy the baby from Cambodia.

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Finally, here's proof that actresses over 40 are still a-peeling.  First Sharon Stone said she was close to doing a "Basic Instinct 2," and now Mimi Rogers and Kim Basinger are doing full nude scenes in the new movie, "The Door In The Floor."

Rogers called it "a little scary" to shoot the nude scenes (they must've been using high-def cameras), but she insisted it's not gratuitous, but an "art scene" relevant to the story (it makes you appreciate the art of the plastic surgeon).

Celebrity Quote Time: She added,  "The thing that's cool about this movie is that Kim and I both have a lot of nudity -- two hot ladies over 40.  We're going to set the industry on its ear.  'Don't forget about us, boys.'  And Kim, she's like freakishly beautiful.  It all helps reinforce the idea that age doesn't have that much to do with beauty.  Over 40 is a state of mind."

I'm certainly glad to hear her say that.  For most actresses, over 40 is a state of panic.
 
 
 

July 11, 2004

We're getting really good response to next week's show & TV taping.  Thanks to all the newsletter subscribers who replied; to the likeminded gals like Ellen at Noon City, a fascinating site where you can spend hours reading about everything from failed romances to the latest cosmetics and plastic surgery procedures (and aren't the two often related?); and to whoever submitted the listing for our show to the 500 Inc., which put it on the top of their entertainment bulletin.  I'm really looking forward to making this the best show ever.  We're even working on adding a bass player, not only for the enhanced sound but because what's cooler on a stage than a stand-up bass?

But it's a big club and we still have plenty of seats available (the Weekend Guide listing won't appear until Friday, and Django has yet to alert their email list), so if you'd like to come, please RSVP to 214-370-9917 as soon as possible.

Just so this won't be a complete commercial, here's some news for you, or as close to "news" as Entertainment Tonight is likely to get...

This weekend's one-hour "Entertainment Tonight", which airs at different times in different markets, is all about Hollywood's Plastic Surgery and Weight Loss Secrets (or as secret as anything can be that's covered in telescopic close-up photos on the covers of 14 tabloids.)  It seems as if they do this theme every other week (God knows, they'll never run out of material), but this one was especially interesting.

It included looks at some European TV shows that make "Extreme Makeover" look like "Romper Room" (just pretend you're not old enough to remember "Romper Room.")  The creepiest was an Italian show called "Scalpel!: No One's Perfect."  This show was basically "Extreme Makeover," except they actually show the surgery -- incisions, full frontal nudity, bloody goop and all -- live on TV.  One woman (pixilated by "E.T."), just sat there with her shirt off, telling the camera what she wanted the doctors to do to her sagging mammaries.  In America, we get hysterical over seeing Janet Jackson's breast for one second on the Super Bowl, but in Italy, TV viewers would just look at it and say, "When does the overhaul start?"

The winner of "The Swan" beauty pageant made a brief appearance, mentioning her brow lift. Did you know that every "Swan" contestant was given a brow lift, although most of them were just in their twenties?  Now we know why these women all looked so surprised when when they looked in the mirror.  From now on, they'll always look surprised!

There were also reports on the latest things the stars are having done to themselves so they can keep playing angst-ridden teenagers on WB shows until they're past 40, including a non-surgical face-lift device called ThermaCool that tightens the skin and promotes collagen production through the use of radio waves.  The doctor presses a wand that feels very, very cold against your facial wrinkles (I'm betting this was invented by a gynecologist who kept his exam tools in the freezer).  This proves the theory behind Botox: freezing your face really does make you look younger.

"E.T." even threw in a couple of those celebrity quotes I'm so fond of.  The most honest and thoughtful came from Sela Ward (naturally, they gave her age in the story, but I'M NOT GOING TO!), who noted that there's so much plastic surgery in Hollywood, we don't even know what 60 looks like anymore, and it's strange to think of all that energy going toward something like this.  But then, she added, "Having said that, do I think I'm going to have the courage not to have a face lift? I have no idea."

Finally, the funniest quote came from Pamela Anderson, who once again talked in hushed and serious tones about how she'd had her unhealthy and fake-looking breast implants removed.   Yes, Pam looks so much more natural now that she has traded in her plastic watermelons for the 100% natural, gravity-defying, giant-sized cantaloupes that God blessed her with.
 
 
 

July 7, 2004

We're on vacation this week and preparing for the TV shoot at Django, so there's not much time to post any news. But you really should see this.  It's a story about how many Hollywood celebrities are lying about their age, or trying to hide it.  Of course, that's not news.  But the new twist is that in some cases, they're actually trying to lock the barn door after the old gray mare has escaped by forcing their agents to try to have them removed from public forums such as the "Entertainment Tonight" daily celebrity birthday round-up.  That's a slick trick.  It's like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Eraser," except he only erases your birthday.

One of the most interesting quotes in the story comes from publicist Harlan Boll, who notes that male celebrities don't have this problem so much: "If they keep their hair, they pretty much have it made." (And if they don't keep their hair, they just have some new hair made.)  But as for women, "The American public doesn't really forgive people for getting older."

I think they may be selling the American public short.  It's not we who don't forgive women for getting older.  I believe most people are perfectly willing to spend time and money on good movies with interesting stories, dialogue and characters who happen to be older.   Look at the success of "Something's Gotta Give."  The problem is that not only are movies with intelligent scripts as rare as a starlet who'll tell her age, but Hollywood executives simply don't cast older actors because they assume the American public is as shallow as Hollywood executives are.  They should realize that outside of Hollywood, nobody is that shallow.  A wading pool with a hole in it isn't that shallow.

Oh well, back to vacation.  We're about to watch the DVD of "Calendar Girls"...
 
 
 

July 1, 2004

Pat ran up to Django last night to drop off posters, etc., and ran into an old acquaintance: Rick Vanderslice, with whom he worked years ago as a DJ on the old KMGC-"Magic 102.9."  Rick is a great guy who's now with The Oasis (Smooth Jazz), and they sponsor live jazz shows at Django on Wednesday nights.  We all worked together years ago on an unsold pilot for a live radio variety show we hoped to do from the Venetian Room of the Fairmont Hotel.  Pat hadn't seen Rick in years, and I'm looking forward to seeing him at the July 18 taping (hear that, Rick?  I've said it on the Internet, so you HAVE to be there now!)

And now, a few news items...

The world's oldest person, Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper of Hoogeveen, Holland, celebrated her 114th birthday Monday.  Asked her secret for a long life, she said that every day, she drinks a glass of orange juice and eats a herring (At the same time?  I'd rather die!)  I assume she never caught a disease because her breath keeps everyone far away.

I bet Dr. Perricone would say that if she'd just eaten a salmon every day, she'd not only have lived to 114, but she wouldn't look a day over 100.

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If you think that having just coffee for breakfast will keep you thin, a recent report on the drinks at Starbucks will give you a caffeine-shock wakeup call.  It turns out a lot of their beverages are quite fattening.  I don't know why it should come as a surprise that a drink filled with cream and sugar would be fattening, but apparently, it did for some people, who must be getting their Botox injected straight into their brains.  Anyway, it actually made national news that Starbucks' large Java Chip Frappuccino contains 650 calories, 50 more than a Big Mac.  So stop buying them to wash down Big Macs!

Oh well, at least with Starbucks, all the caffeine will make you burn off calories by twitching.

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Finally, a celebrity quote on the fear of aging from French actress Julie Delpy, who starred in one of my favorite movies, "Until Sunrise."  The New York Post reports that Delpy visited Transylvania to scout locations for a movie she wrote and will direct and star in.  The paper says it's about "Elizabeth Bathory, a 17th-century Hungarian countess who murdered 600 female virgins and bathed in their warm blood to keep herself forever young."

Delpy said she wouldn't go to such extremes herself because "Fear of aging is the least of my worries.  But I'm fascinated with people who are.  I'm scared of death, but not of aging."

She says that now, but considering she has to make a living as a movie actress, give her another ten years and she might start eying the arteries of a few virgins herself.

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That's all for now, but keep checking back here regularly!  And if you'd like to share a news story or your own thoughts and observations about the pressure society puts on us all to "keep young and beautiful"or else, just drop me a line at laura@lauraainsworth.com.
 

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